i would rather post her to you all even if it makes me look weak, pathetic, psychotic or any other adj someone may come up with.

i just turned on the other computer with every intention of getting a yahoo id in order to play backgammon (except i also want to look to see if a particular person is on, not the OM, but someone i used to play a lot of backgammon with, and flirt very heavily with)

I CANNOT DO THIS!!!!

if i do, i will have to tell H and that would hurt him very much and completely screw up all the good progress that has occured the past 2 1/2 weeks.

BUT, it will also give him a reason to reject me and then i wouldn't feel so bad. i feel so bad that he is not wanting to be with me. i'm feeling vunderable and scared. i can't even state that he is really rejecting me, we are talking, he has been nice in many ways. but i'm just so sad right now. daughter is at school, H is out, son is playing in his room. and i can't believe how close i came to what i was about to do.

roman, you have asked me before, what will i do if H rejects me. well, i guess i am really going to have to figure out the answer to that question.

please help me. H is not like so many of the BH that would love to see their W doing the kind of things i am doing. but then he worked really hard while i was f**king some other guy.

all the old feelings i used to have before the A, the lonleiness i felt because we had essentially no relationship and he would not even acknowledge a problem existed let alone seek help, are flooding back. am i worried he will go back to being the way he used to be? YES He was like that because he only thought something occured between me and a co-worker that didn't even occur, this was years before any A occured. if he had to become so distant from me when he only had suspicions, how is he ever going to deal with the reality of a real A??

<small>[ April 07, 2004, 07:57 PM: Message edited by: FinallyLearning ]</small>

FL, we're not going to call you anything.

By coming here you are doing what a friend of mine (girl)used to tell me to do. If you want to contact OM, EMAIL ME INSTEAD.

Other people will be along shortly. I'm on the other side of the world and it's still only half way through the day here so I'm at work and shouldn't even be on here.

Keep going FL, I've been following your story but haven't posted that often to you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">By coming here you are doing what a friend of mine (girl)used to tell me to do. If you want to contact OM, EMAIL ME INSTEAD.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i hate feeling so weak but i figured better to let you all see how weak i am feeling right now and ask you all for help then do something destructive.

ok, i have to get out of this house. i'm going to take a walk with the dog instead.

FL, I dont have much to say...but just go and talk to your son, go for a walk, do anything but get away from the computer. This will pass. Remember it is an addiction and once the urge wears off, you will be fine. Call a friend on the phone...but get away from that computer...K?

FL, relax your H will come around just stop and breath.

please help me. H is not like so many of the BH that would love to see their W doing the kind of things i am doing. but then he worked really hard while i was f**king some other guy.

If he didn`t kick your butt out the door the instant he found out then he is most likely just like us BS`s.

He was like that because he only thought something occured between me and a co-worker that didn't even occur, this was years before any A occured. if he had to become so distant from me when he only had suspicions, how is he ever going to deal with the reality of a real A??

Because now its REAL. The threat to his marriage and family is REAL. You need to tell him what you need from him. He will not know what to do unless you tell him. Did you tell him why you had the A?

FL keep it together we're here for you. You are one of the first people to post to me hang in there. If I can do Plan B you can do this. My be you could review my letter to keep your mind off of things. Good luck hang in there.

thanks. i didn't take walk yet but i did quiz son on social studies for test tommorow. he is under major punishment todnight due to a whopper of a lie he told yesterday. so he has been stuck in his room except for dinner (which was just me and kids) and doing his written homework.

i don't want to take walk and leave son in house alone. so i'm going to have to wait it out.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Did you tell him why you had the A?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">yes. i told him i had given up on the marriage 100%, and it was my way of forcing myself to accept it. i had talked about divorce prior but he never took me seriously, because he would never go to counsoling or talk about anything. and i didn't take myself seriously enough because although i would talk about it, i didn't do anything about it. so having the A was my way to force myself to do something about it. it was a very calculated act <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> one i now regret, because it did the trick, i made it clear i was serious about divorcing, and he finally got it and started working on marriage, but by then it was too late in my head and it took me 2 1/2 years and a LOT of work from him to convince me otherwise. now i have confessed and it seems like we are back to square one or maybe even worse. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

tinman, i am sorry you are having to go to plan B. I really hope it helps you. I'll go read it for you.

FL, just wanted to check in and say hi. Remember how much courage it took for you to tell your H? Think of how good you felt for finally doing the right thing. Don't play around now. I don't know what to tell you but please be patient with your H and think positively. I can give you one hint though, when I found out, my number one EN went from SF to Affection and stayed that way for a long time. I was never affectionate and couldn't understand where it was coming from. I felt like how old woman talk about snuggling being better than sex. Two years later I still am very affectionate towards W. This may not apply to the situation at hand but I hope it took your mind off things. But seriously when you are with your husband again just try to be affectionate and then the other stuff may follow. Consider he is changed, at least for the time being, and maybe you need to change the approach in this area. He needs you to make him feel special again. And while he may be going about it the wrong may I think he is sincere. Why don't you pick up the phone and call him to say hi. Just light conversation. And by the way you're not all alone.

Originally posted by FinallyLearning:
[/QUOTE]yes. i told him i had given up on the marriage 100%, and it was my way of forcing myself to accept it. i had talked about divorce prior but he never took me seriously, because he would never go to counsoling or talk about anything. and i didn't take myself seriously enough because although i would talk about it, i didn't do anything about it. so having the A was my way to force myself to do something about it. it was a very calculated act <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> one i now regret, because it did the trick, i made it clear i was serious about divorcing, and he finally got it and started working on marriage, but by then it was too late in my head and it took me 2 1/2 years and a LOT of work from him to convince me otherwise. now i have confessed and it seems like we are back to square one or maybe even worse. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
[/QUOTE]

This is exactly what my husband told me... i told him i had given up on the marriage 100%, and it was my way of forcing myself to accept it.

mom, </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> This is exactly what my husband told me... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i am very sorry <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />


H called a few min ago, he is on his way home, panic time is over, disaser avoided. thanks for the help. i'm shutting this thing down.

oh yeah, H said to wait for him, he will take a walk with me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> now tell me again, why am i so worried???

FL,
You are learning how to choose the right thing. I am soooo happy that you were able to see clearly. Hear me on this, no matter how often your H rejects you or hurts you, do not choose the old habit. It is wrong for you because even though it brings comfort and gratification, after it is over, you will feel worse and defeated. Let me ask you how victory feels?

Your old habit brings acceptance, it brings the acceptance you crave and need. But it is the wrong source of acceptance. You know where I'm going with this. You see, Jesus will accept you just as you are. When you go to Him for comfort and acceptance, He will shower you with His grace and love. I feel so good for you right now, what a great moment and thanks for sharing it. I'm sorry I was unavailable, but I am in my busiest time of the year.

FL, you have the strength through Jesus Christ to beat this. He will always be there when we are at our weakest. When we are under stress and turmoil, our true character emerges and we see our flaws. That's when the choice becomes critical. You made the right choice.

Christ's Love,
Roman

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
You are learning how to choose the right thing. I am soooo happy that you were able to see clearly. Hear me on this, no matter how often your H rejects you or hurts you, do not choose the old habit. It is wrong for you because even though it brings comfort and gratification, after it is over, you will feel worse and defeated. Let me ask you how victory feels? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i don't know roman, not as good as it should be feeling.

i am feeling low today... can't figure out why.
am i mad at myself for coming so close??
am i upset about SF issue?
i had told H yesterday am that it was hard physically on me and he said he understood and that we should back off, one-sided SF is not fair. which was a very nice response. but that only makes me think, well one-sided SF is still better than no SF, which is what occured last night. i suppose physically i didn't wake up all tense, but emotionally i really missed making him feel good. i did tell him last night although i didn't get the physical benefit of SF, I was getting emotional benefit and I would rather have one-sided than nothing, that is if he wants it at all. i also asked him what was holding him back, was it that his emotions were unsure as to how he felt about me and therefore he did not want to be intimate with me, or was it more an issue of having visions of me with OM. It is the latter. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> which is better than the other alternative i suppose and it was helpful to hear him say it's not cuz he does not want to be with me, he just does not want to risk trying something and having it be bad.

i guess the bottom line is, this is going to be hard on me no matter what, until he is ready. although i feel better understanding what it is he is dealing with. helps me stay patient. but it is hard, as the WS, i do just want him to heal quickly and for us to move on. But I have to keep remembering, this has to be on HIS timeline, not mine!!!! I do believe we are on the right path. I just want to be close to him so bad now (something i forced myself to not feel for 2 1/2 yrs!!). And it reminds me of how i used to feel before all this happened, but back then we were not moving in the right direction, now we are, so although it feels similar, i have to keep telling myself IT IS NOT LIKE IT USED TO BE. Our marriage cannot go back to what it used to be like. too much has happened.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You see, Jesus will accept you just as you are. When you go to Him for comfort and acceptance, He will shower you with His grace and love.

you have the strength through Jesus Christ to beat this. He will always be there when we are at our weakest. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I thought about you last night, thought about what you would say if you saw i was struggling and i knew it would be something just like what you wrote above. and even though you were not around to post, i heard it in my heart and i did reflect on those thoughts and it did help. I probably should of gone immediately to read from the Blessed Disciple, which crossed my mind to do, other options being, going for a walk or hanging out more with son. I ended up doing a combination of hanging out with son and watching this board for support. I did read book right before bed though.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> When we are under stress and turmoil, our true character emerges and we see our flaws. That's when the choice becomes critical. You made the right choice. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">thanks.

i think all this rambling has helped.

Gosh
I had no idea that playing blackgammon online can be flirty and that emotional connections occur here. My H plays it a lot. It is about all he does now if he goes online, or occasionally a game of motorcross madness.

He had a real struggle with porn post affair and after sexual counseling this has been out of our lives for over a year now. The above is about all he goes online for now.

This scares me a little.
C&S

C&S,

i don't mean to scare you, everyone is different.

for me, because the internet was such a huge factor in all of this (OM was someone i met in a chat room) I cannot be online like that AT ALL.

And yes, while playing, people can end up chatting. Those chats can be totally innocent or can lead to more. That depends on the people. Besides the OM, I communicated with many people online, prior to meeting OM, there was definitely what people would call a big EA occuring with someone else and various superficial ones too.

For me, even the totally innocent friendly chit chat during a game or two is not good. it gets me started down the wrong path. I have to accept how vunderable i am to the internet. it is a true addiction i have and like an alcoholic, i have to accept it is one i will probably have for life. if i don't treat it that way, i leave myself open (and my H) to much potential damage.

Again, this is MY problem, it does not mean it is your H's too. For me, i used the internet to fill EN in both chat rooms and later backgammon which became a very destructive/addictive activity. Porn did not do anything for me. For your H, it sounds like porn was an issue. This does not mean he cannot innocently play backgammon with no problems. I am sure the majority of the people that play online games are just having fun and it is not causing havoc in thier lives as it did for me.

But with that said, if he is doing it too much, i would keep an eye on it. Do you play backgammon?? if you don't LEARN!!!! sound like he enjoys the game and it can then be something you do with him. It is a fun game, get out a bottle of wine, put on candle and nice music and try to enjoy an evening of backgammon.

Crazy as this sounds. I would actually do that sometimes but online. If i found myself at home alone for an evening (H went out a lot) I would put on music and candles, have some wine and then find someone to play backgammon with and eventually as i went from table to table, i would find another very lonely person wanting to chat more intensly. very pathetic really. but there are a lot of lonely people out there!!!

<small>[ April 08, 2004, 11:57 AM: Message edited by: FinallyLearning ]</small>

Thanks FL
I do play backgammon now. We used to play early in our marriage, and when I noticed that he was playing it on line, we got a new set and played a bit. He is pretty good, I am improving and managed to beat him 2/3 last time we played, although he helped me in the first game.

I am hopeful that his backgammon is just that and not something else. I might just be a bit alert to how often he is there now. He seems a lot more invested in us now so I don't think he is up to anything. It just surprised me that playing a game on line can even lead to EA.

I hope you stay strong and resist temptation. Good luck
C&S

Hmmm,

My husbands A's started a couple of years ago, when he was playing backgammon on Yahoo.

He had to change id's and leagues several times when he gotten involved with someone. He broke a few hearts in that place.

Thank God, he doesn't have time anymore, and I am doing my best to make sure his needs are met, so he isn't tempted out of boredom.

Shul