That seems to be what my H thinks. I don't agree, I think that if the wound is bad enough, and it is left untreated, it will eventually kill you.

It's not really being left UNtreated, it's just not the RIGHT antibiotic! He is being very good to me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> He is loving and does a lot to make me happy. Little things like getting up before I do and making coffee, then fixing me a cup to bring to me (no small task, I'm very picky about how my coffee is prepared) Last week I told him my son needed money for class, before he would complain a bit about that, now he just said "how much does he need". If I sigh or something that makes him think I'm upset or bored he asks if I want to go do something. He IS trying, in his own way. But even though I appreciate all of that and it does help to make me feel like he's trying, I need more than that. I need him to open up and be honest. I need to know how he really feels and what he thinks happened to us. I need to TALK about this! I NEED for him to be more interested in what I'm feeling! I left this page open on purpose last week. He read here for a few days then just lost interest, he doesn't bother reading what I have to say here anymore. It really bothers me that he is more interested in a website about an old cartoon or looking up episodes of an old TV show than he is in fixing our marriage.

I guess I don't have to worry about LBing here, he isn't going to read it anyway <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Patience my dear! Your H is doing WAY more than mine already! Mine still wont do ANYTHING for me. No affection, no meeting MY EN's at al. I spoke with SH about that today and he says that will come later...But I also told him I am fed up, I need something in return...H is trying though, he is kissing me a bit more. Little pecks, but at least it is something.

My H doesn't come here much either. he would much rather go to his car sites. My H is also not open with me right now. althuogh I THINK he is honest. That is all I ask of him right now, HONESTY!

dont push him, toomanylies. he will open up on his own time. Just be patient. he is coming along nicely. If you push too much, you might scare him away and bakc into a shell. also, dont lecture him. If he wants to read the boards, he will. I will tell my H that he has a reply, and he chooses to read it that is up to him.

What we as the BS's need to realize is that the WS's are on their own timetable. They are sorting things out their own way. Your H is there, he is with YOU...I have to keep telling mnyself this everyday too...believe me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Hang in there sweetie. And remember NO LB's. I'm famous for those lately! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

It is not about the time but what you do with it ... (dr. phil).

All wound has to be treated. Have you read The Language of Love by Gary Smally ?. It is a very good book to learn about using word pictures to open communication up.

Do you know all of his ENs ... ? do you let him know (admired) all the thing that he has done ?

Do you "train" him to meet your needs ?.

-rh-

I know you're right mom2, it's just so hard sometimes. I have to try not to LB when I WANT to SCREAM "HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME? TO US?!"
It's hard but I'm doing pretty good.

redhat, part of the problem is that I can't know his EN's unless he tells me. I thought I knew him very well but it turns out I didn't (how can you live with someone for 25 years and NOT know <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> ) He just tells me that he is happy, that I'm doing nothing wrong and everything right etc. I just don't know. I've told him what my ENs are, he seems to think he knows what's best for me better than I do.

toomanylies,

Couldn't you guess his ENs ? how about this could you weed out 5 ENs out of the 10 ENs that are not his ?.

I would print ENQ and filling it as if he does it for you.

-rh-

I can guess some of them and he has told me some. I'm just not sure what the most important ones are.

unfortunately I can't open the ENQ on this computer.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by toomanylies:
<strong> I can guess some of them and he has told me some. I'm just not sure what the most important ones are.

unfortunately I can't open the ENQ on this computer. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The order are not important, you only need the top 5 ENs and do them all.

I had one of the MOST uninvolved WHs when it came to recovery. H basically NEVER wanted to talk... only stayed (in the beginning) to be a co-parent... DIDN'T WANT TO BE MARRIED... He didn't wear his wedding ring for a LONG time.

If I hadn't been in so much pain, I would have drawn my lines in the sand (made boundaries) a lot sooner.

So... what I did was to quit focusing on H. I spent the first year focused on me and my own personal recovery... as I healed, our relationship got better and in the meantime, H was born again in Christ and his recovery started there.

So we recovered in parallel... as we each healed separately our relating to each other got better until H was able to talk to me, to open up and to tell me what was going on in his head then... this was just a year ago... 2 years past d-day.

My mantra was that no matter what I WOULD BE HEALTHY... whether or not my marriage was repaired, I would get stronger.

Over time, through mercy and grace and with large doses of forgiveness there is healing. Focus on YOU first.

Cali