After telling H what was wrong in the 15 year marriage, H thougth I wanted a D. I cannot put the details of my husbands actions towards me, but will say H paniced, and this was I'm sure the sister of what is the worst feeling next to cheating.

It has been a few years. I try to believe the hand that hurt is the hand that heals. He touches me in a loving way, love life is better, but when an arguement forms, my heart sometimes races. If an arguement is drawn out, I start to think of what life would be like being the wife of this man or that man, this is my escape. But recently I thought of a specific man in that part. I hate myself for liking this thought. How do I get my body and mind to stay on the right side of the fence?

struggling

Wow, Struggling, you have come to the right place before you do something you'll really regret. I would say that if you read through the posts here you will see enough pain to know you don't want to be on either side of an A. Just take a look at the names people use. There are no winners in an A. In fact I am primarily dealing with an EA and it is devastating. Please keep reading and you'll realize you better find another way. Try dragging your H into counseling. Let him know whats going on. It may knock him over again but at least he'll be able to get up. Hang in there and do the right thing, you won't be sorry you did.

Thanks walking. I did go and read some posts. The hurt is horrific.

We read the Act of Marriage and the Marriage Builder a few years ago. We have been working on things since. (MB) I give to him, he gives to me, the love deposits such as, I cut up fruit for his snack to take to work and he says TY. He opens the door for me and I say TY. (A of M) When he wants sex and I'm not in the mood, I've told him to help me, touch me soft and in a loving way, caress me, run fingers through my hair... He understands what I need, he gets what he needs/wants. I should say our love life is the most improved and through his soft loving touches is what has been bringing me back. He says he has more sex now than he has ever gotten and wishes he would of known this when we married 17 years ago.

As you know anger, resentment, and blues are a battle. For me toss in nightmares which seeem to be the worst enemy or would that be fear. In my nightmares I see myself being murdered or tortured by my H. I wake up with my heart racing because in my nightmare I am trying to run from him. Or I wake up crying because he is hurting me. Not normal. I was only hurt once, but it only takes one time to hurt someone as you know.

My H promised he will never hurt me again. I chose to believe that,try to so I can talk openly to him. I told him my mind escapes when we argue. I go someplace else, where I feel I would be comforted. Don't argue!!!

I will do the right thing. I plan on seeking Christian therepy, as well as pick up some of the terrific books on this site by Harley. It really seems to be greatest chance for happiness, for the entire family. Thanks

Struggling, I can't say I know the feeling but I know my W knows the feeling. I have been so happy for last several years I never stopped to consider the possibility that she may not be. I wish she would have sat me down and told me how serious was her discontent. I don't know how I would have reacted but I do wish she gave me the chance. So what I'm saying is keep talking as long as the lines of communication are open. Be consistent in your comments and concerns. If you jump all over the place, H may dismiss you. But you know this isn't the route. My W now turns more to alcohol then address the real problem but sooner or later you/we need to face the music. Everything else is a bandaid and it will bring temporary relief followed by longterm grief.

Walking, your W had an A because she was discontented with you. You are trying to work it out, but sounds like her guilt (alcohol) is getting the best of her.

14 years of neglect. My H says I had an emotional A. I talked to a man online about our troubled marriages on im and we talked on phone. Never tried to hide anything, put the mans picture on computer and his phone number, address and full name in our phone book, as well as him on cell. This OM told me about the marriage builder book. This lasted 6 months. My H asked me to stop and I did not, I talked with him more. I will admit the OM would of liked it to transpire to more because of his position in his marriage changed to divorce, although some feeling for him did emerge, and I/we did run away with our imagination, but things started to get better in my marriage. I ended talking to him.

In all honesty I partley led the OM on because I was angry with my H. I did not hide the OM because I wanted my H to know, make him jealous. I was desperate for H attention. I got his attention, wrong kind of attention, but part of me feels I deserved it.

Like you, my H thought nothing was wrong for all those years.

I guess we are in the bandaid stage, but now I want to stop the cycle of hurt(face the music). I need to go see a therapist and H says, "you can talk to me." But all my husband keeps saying to me is, You want to have an A, because you have never been with another man. I think I need to see a therapist because I have hurt and need to deal with it better so I don't have an A. So I told H, I will go and we will see who is right. If he only knew how often I thought of this OM he would drop me off at therapy. I am crying for help again and it needs to be a therapist.

I use to be so strong.

Walking, I called insuracne co. Seems we have a great behavioral health program that includes MC. I also found a nice Christian MC.

My H is skeptical at going to MC and said he won't sign a D-paper. I told him they are Christian MC and don't advocate D. And I don't want a D. I want to stop hurting, and more I want to stop feeling like I want to hurt you. I want to move forward so we can enjoy life together and they will help. We both have to take our shames to the table, or as you put it, face the music.

Thanks from our entire family, me 35, H 36, D 16 and son 11 married 17 1/2 years.