I am a 25 year old woman who has been married for 3 years. We have 2 children, 15 mos/4 mos. Things have been bad since our honeymoon. My HB was not honest with me about many "problems" he had before we were married and I only learned of them a year ago when I rec'vd a $350 cell phone bill. Apparently he had been really into porn and calling those chat hot lines to talk to women for a number of years. I was glad that it all finally came to light, although I was very hurt by all the lies and betrayals of my trust and of our marraige. I had doubts before we got married about whether he was right for me, but brushed it off as "cold feet". Looking back had I known the stuff he was in to at the time (porn) I would have broken up with him. I have tried (unsuccessfully) over the pst 3 years to have him read His Needs Her Needs with me, or by himself, to talk about my emotional needs, asking him to read it so I can know his and be a better wife...etc... but have only been met with resistance. He joined the Army almost 2 years ago , telling me at the time that he wanted to join to provide a better future for our family and get career training. But last year he admitted he joined to run away from the temptations of the city we lived in, sex shops, chat lines...etc...
I was so mad when i found that out. The transition to Army life had been so hard on us as acouple, we were seperated for his training for 7 months and he barely missed the birth of our first born, we moved away from all of our family and friends and our church home... it was very very difficult for me. Then we got pregnant again and a few months later he was deployed to Iraq, where he has been for 7 months and may not be home for another 6-8. I am alone, raising two babies and so lonely.
Not having a great marraige to begin with. I know my husband has NOT met my emotional needs in our marraige. Or even tried. There are many Love Busters in the area of irritations. Sometimes I just wish I could start over, knowing what I know now.
About a month ago I was online and ventured into a chat room for the first time. There was a man on there from my same area and we started chatting about the area and our families. Very innocent, normal stuff. He is also married with 2 kids. I know he isn't some weirdo, we have used our webcams to see each other so we can tell the other is who they say they are. He and his wife have a bad marraige also, he travels alot for work and his wife's focus is on the kids not on him. Anyway, we have really connected. We have so much in common and similar views and almost everything. WE have spoken on the phone a few times and talked aoubt getting for coffee. The one hang up is he is a Mormon and I am a Christian and we have very different beliefs about God. But other than that we get along so well. I feel so valued and admired by him, he definitly is filling my most important emotional needs. We have not met and we both don't think we ever will, for fear of hurting our spouses and being the ones to destroy our marriages. He has said that I am the closest thing he has ever known to a soulmate. And in honesty I feel the same way. I have never felt this connected to another person. Not even my husband, when we were In love and dating/engaged.

I feel like I didn't really know who I was marrying... like I got jipped. Had I known who he really was I would not have married him.
But I know that I made a commitment to be married to him in front of our families and to God.
I know many who might read this are on the other end of this kind of thing and have no sympathy for my situation. And I understand that.

I just don't know what to do. I don't feel like I can talk to anyone I know about this. Any advice or wisdom from others who have been there would be great.
Thank you so much for listening. I hope it wasn't too confusing.

I am a betrayed wife but many years ago I was in a situation much like yours. Very unhappy in my marriage and having my EN's met by another man. The A did turn physical before I ended it. I have regretted it ever since. I DO believe in fidelity and marriage and giving all you can to the one you promised to love and cherish FORSAKING ALL OTHERS.

I know that sometimes we lose our integrity when life becomes unhappy and stressful, and we do things we later regret. I'm having a problem understanding why you chose a married man to meet your EN's? Isn't it bad enough that you are betraying your own husband?

You seem to be feeling bad about this. I'm not sure what you want here? You already know that what you are doing is wrong. Hopefully others can give you some good advise that will help you to get out of this relationship. I'm having trouble getting past your choice to harm ANOTHER marriage while harming your own. Cheating is always wrong, cheating with another married person seems twice as wrong to me.

You both have a spouse who will be hurt by this. You both have CHILDREN who will be hurt by this. Is what YOU want really worth hurting all those people? I really hope not. I hope that most people aren't that selfish, but I'm finding out that many are.

Please let there be others here who are willing to try and help you. I guess I'm not able to see past my own pain to do that. All I can say is that you are doing something that you will regret, people are going to be hurt. for WHAT? It's NOT worth it!

I also want to comment about something that really bothers me. Your H is an Army medic in IRAQ right now! No matter what your problems are that should be foremost in your mind. My H LEFT me last year, but I still would have been very worried about him if he were in the kind of danger your H is in. Affairs, porn, any of that would have taken a back seat to my concern for his LIFE. Deal with the porn problem when he returns home, right now just pray that he comes home.

<small>[ April 08, 2004, 05:37 AM: Message edited by: toomanylies ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The one hang up is he is a Mormon and I am a Christian and we have very different beliefs about God. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, the only hang-up is you are married, and so is he, and not to one another.

Yes, you are having an affair. At this point, it's an emotional affair. Please, do NOT meet him, or I fear it will become a physical one as well. You need to stop all contact with him immediately. I know it will be a very difficult thing to do. I've been there, I know what it feels like to be so thirsty, and here is this guy, suddenly and gloriously quenching your thirst. I suggest you read everything you can on this site. Click on the Q & A at the top of the page. Order the book, Surviving An Affair, and any other books dealing with the subject matter you can get your hands on. Read, read, and read some more, and also, post, post, and post some more, doing both will guide you, AND will keep you occupied and away from chatting with the other man. Also, check out www.saveyourmarriagecentral.com
There you will find a message board as well, and they have a private board for those in an affair, looking for a way out.

You are fortunate to be here, and you are here FOR A REASON, don't squander your chance. You know, I found this site while still in my A, but I never posted at that time. I often wonder these two things if I had posted: Would my A have lasted as long??? Would I have gotten pregnant by the om???

Take good care, and keep us posted.

~ad

Gag me with the soulmate comment, it's the 'key" word used in an affair, a way to justify cheating on your spouse.

You ARE having an EA, if you continue in this path it will lead to a PA. You are MARRIED, STOP IT NOW!

You are worried about the Mormon issue? are you kidding me? The issue here is that each of you has a husband/wife and children who do not know that they are all being cheated on. Not very much in line with Mormonism or Christianity, is it?

I understand that your needs were not being met and that you felt cheated by an unfullfuilling marriage. Looking to find someone to fill your needs on the internet is always going to lead to trouble. Did you consider a Moms group, ladies bible study, military support group, counselling etc. etc. etc.?

There are a lot of marriages out there that need to be worked on, your's included. When you marry and have children you have made a commitment for better ot worse and it seems that in the bad times, you have both let each other down.

YOU feel jipped? Imagine how the OM's wife, your H and all of the children will feel when they realize that you have each found your "soulmates".

DO NOT go to the chat room again. DO NOT send photos again, focus on your family and making a better place for them. You are not giving your marriage a fighting chance by filling your needs outside of it.

PLEASE get professional help ASAP! There are many here who can help, but we are not professionals, you need more.

<small>[ April 08, 2004, 11:08 AM: Message edited by: lovemyhubby ]</small>

You are getting HIS side of the story. My H told his married lover that I ignored him and didn't care about him.

Well, he kept saying "Leave me alone" and "I need my downtime". I was trying to placate him. He didn't even come to the hospital the day after major surgery but instead had lunch with OW.

Send that man on your way, then tell your H that you need to separate or he needs to get into a program to build your M. Tell him about the contact with that man, in fact show him the e-mail.

My H never got us into MC, only got me into IC.

MedicWife -

Please do not leave this board. You will get mixed posts from different people with different views. You can find help here.

You did the right thing by coming here for help. You are in a tough situation and you need support...even if you are the WS in this situation please understand that the BS's on this site are in pain and we will vent on WS's at times but this is not done to hurt you.

Many times these posts will help lift the fog that you are in.

When you say you do not want to destory or hurt your husband...I think you need to realize that what you are doing right now with this OM is doing just that. It doesn't have to be physical to be considered an A. You are in an A right now and you are betraying your commitment to your H and to God. You have to realize that before you can begin to heal.

If you see your H's addiction to porn as something he will never give up and if that is an addiction you aren't willing to live with then you need to put our foot down right now and let him know that. Then you need to stick to your guns about it and leave if he continues to refuse. By staying with him you are enabling him to continue this behavior in front of you and his children.

Having said that I'll say I too am a military wife. My H spent a great deal of time on the front lines. We lost people very dear to us. When my H was gone I could not think of anything but his saftey. You need to be strong for your H right now. Our soldiers need to know that when they are on the front lines they do not have to worry about what is going on back at home. I made sure my H never worried about my ability to keep the home fires burning. He knew without a doubt that while he was gone I'd keep things running smooth for me and the other spouses around me. That gave him the ability to go out and do his fighting without the fear of things falling apart at home.

How do you think your H would feel right now if he knew what was going on with you? Do you think he could focus on the tasks at hand. Those tasks could put him at risk...worse yet those tasks put a lot of people at risk. When our soldiers are fighting we do not want them or the person watching their back worried that their mate might be mess'n around back home. Right? It's only fair.

Think about what you are doing and who you might be hurting...it's not just your H you are hurting. It's your children, your family and yourself. Not to mention the family of OM.

So stop saying I think I'm having an AFFAIR...you are having an AFFAIR.

As a Christian I would hope that your faith will see you through this tough time. You need to also focus on the legacy you will be leaving to your children with this relationship.

Do you want them to think of their mother as a person that would do something like this? Is that the legacy you want to leave. Is that the example you want to set for them to follow. You can use your H's addiction and refusal to meet your ENs as much as you want...it doesn't matter. You made a committement to this man and to your marriage...regardless of what he is doing if you have an A you are the wayward spouse.

What can you do? Stop being the martyr here. When your H gets back from the war and is settled in...tell him that he must get help for his addiction and you require him to start working on your M. You do everything you can to turn this situation around so that if the M does end you will have the peace of mind that you did everything you could to save your M.

Don't continue to have this affair and get caught up in the whole soulmate "crock". It's not true...it doesn't exsist...it's a fantasy world that you are living in that does not consist of real life. There is no bad breath, no children to worry about, no stretch marks, no bills to pay and more importantly there are no trips to the other side of the world for months and months at a time. All of those things exsist in the real world with your H and your children.

Thank God for all the blessings you have an seek his help during this lonely confusing time in your life. Pray for strength for yourself your H and OM.

Set the good example for your family. Leave the legacy of your faith and passion for the Lord to your children.

I'll be praying for you.

Medicwife,
You listen to me now! You have a rare chance and you must hear me out. Please indulge me 'cause this may be a little long, but you need to hear every word.
One year ago this month, I had a wonderful family. My marriage had some problems, but nothing I thought was so urgent. My wife, a beautiful redhead who was in the best physical shape of her entire life, I'd known since childhood and it was our 12th year of marriage. I was so proud and felt so lucky to be her husband, I always thought I'd married above me.
We suffered 11yrs in a tiny block 1 brm house and had 2 beautiful girls there, in order to save money to build our dream house. We made it through those very tough times and after 3yrs spent designing and hand drawing(me)the plans to the house, we spent another 3yrs building it. We were a family unit, we were sacrificing everything for a common goal ...together. I called in ALL my business favors (7 years worth), played ALL my cards, to have our dream home. We were there, we had no great financial difficulties, managing all the payments fine, we had a family life that many people would envy. My marriage... I always bragged that I had a better marriage than anyone we knew. I have cool cars, bikes and play rock and roll in a band, I fly planes, I have (had) just about anything within reason that I wanted. My wife was going to church, (part of the eventual problem) and doing the things she wanted to do.
My business was doing better than it ever had. I hired a secretary and my wife got jealous... and that's a long story, and why my life is crap now.

Here's my point, we're not wealthy, but in our own way we managed to have the finer things in life that lots of people don't have, our family had it made. Life was awesome and I had a wife that was the epitome of principal, unlike almost everyone else I knew, I NEVER would have to worry about infidelity with her. Never, never a doubt, not even if she was tempted, she had such strong principals and such strong religion, that she'd do the right thing and walk away. So all my efforts could be concentrated on everything else it took to have our beautiful family.
On mothersday night, my world was shattered as she talked in her sleep. My very soul was being ripped out of my body. My wife, my girlfriend, my best friend and my soulmate, was with another man.
The perfect girl, with the highest morals of anyone I knew, my love of 12 years, the mother of our 2 beautiful girls. It was the most devestating, surreal, and mentally painful thing I could ever imagine. There are no words to adequately describe how deep and how intense and how so very long the pain and anguish is. I needed to end my life... desperately. There are stages of denial, withdrawal, forgivness (in desperation, until the reality that it's really happened hit's you again)that cause violent mood swings while all along, the pain, physically and mentally is always there, relentless, day and night. If you nod off to sleep, you dream xxx rated dreams of your wife and another man, until the agony is so great that you wake screaming. So you try to stay awake, to try to fend off the mental videos that play, of the woman that's your soulmate performing sex with another man in front of you. All the while laughing and having excitement and passion, while taking from you the very most intimate, precious, sacred part of the two of you, and forever giving it to another man. Never, ever being able to give it back, no way to ever say "I didn't mean it, or I didn't mean to, or the universal, I didn't mean to hurt you". Once you stick it in, it's OVER!!!
That tremendous portion of the pie that was our marriage and life, was ripped from my heart and soul and presented in a pretty package to another man, in front of my face, as a token gift, never to be able to be returned to me. It's done!

Now... like you, my wife had all these things in her head. He doesn't really love me, he doesn't really care if I do this. If he loved me he wouldn't do this or that. Bull****! You find a way to communicate! Stop feeling so sorry for yourself and friggin' SACRIFICE whatever self indulgent ideas you may have right now to WAIT UNTIL YOUR HUSBAND (HE'S "YOUR" HUSBAND!)GETS HOME. I don't care what he does on the internet, or on the phone, or if he flirts in person, or any other ideas you may have in your head. I'll bet the farm that his thought's are nowhere near the conjured up notions and scenarios you've put together in your head. I'll also bet that ninety nine percent of what you're worring about with him, will be explained and you'll get to breath a sigh of relief that it's nothing near as serious as you thought. I'll BET! that he loves you with all his heart, and if you were to do such a vile and vicious thing as RAPE his very soul with the help of another man, while his back is turned, forever and not to be able to take it back, NOT only will you destroy the very man that he is now, BUT YOU WILL SUFFER almost as much!
You cannot know the pain that you'll go through, if you love him, to watch him lose his world and his identity. You'll watch him cry nonstop, days and nights for weeks to months on end as he rises and falls with the brutal reality of losing the most intimate and sacred part of you and him forever, and to the relentless PAIN that you did this so willingly with another man. You'll see your family and your children decay to almost nothing, you'll see your financial situation devestated, risk losing EVERYTHING you have. And if you think you may have nothing now... just try an affair.
My wifes affair (with a married man) only lasted 4 weeks, It has literally DESTROYED! BOTH families and the people that are close to them! And what's so sad, is that the two former lovers now pretty much hate each other!
NOW PLEASE LISTEN!
IF... If only we could go back, only to the point where it was only an emotional affair, only before the sex, AND HAVE SOMEONE TELL US THIS! I WOULD GIVE UP EVERYTHING WE HAVE! Our beautiful home, our savings, our toys, our so-called friends. If I would wake up tomorrow penniless and homeless, but with my kids and my wife, and [without just the physical part of the infidelity}, I would be the happiest man on earth. I would have my life and my wife back, I would be wealthy in a year! I would be able to face people again without humiliation, my wife could go out in public again, or face our parents and friends without humiliation. We could buy our groceries at home, without driving 30 miles to the next town to avoid seeing anyone we may know. I could drive through town without being reminded daily of sites where they had sex. I could wake up for one day and not be miserable!
And this is only the the tip of the iceburg of the result of ONLY a 4week affair... sex 5 times (yeah right). AND, this is a year later! Believe me, none of this is an exaggeration. And it doesn't begin to describe the real pain, the destruction of the very fabric of a marriage and family that once was.
Your husband may watch porn, and do 900 numbers or whatever, but that can be dealt with when he gets home, and If you'll give it enough time, with the help of this website, you can fix it and you'll have no regrets. If you let yourself do the affair, the damage and the pain will be with you the rest of your life. If you do this to your husband behind his back, no matter how bad he really is, while he's off serving his country and risking his life for you and me, and while he has no way to defend himself from your selfish promiscuity, while he has no way to defend himself to your accusations that he doesn't really love you, then you'll put yourself in the category of a common dirt road whore. You'll end up screwing another man in your husbands home, screwing him in his wifes home and destroying his family, parking with him on a dirt road, etc... doing all the things that would make "someone else, but not YOU because it's different" the kind of person you've always known as a dirt road whore!
PLEASE take my advice, please take advantage for free, of the advice that I would now give up everything for. GET AWAY FROM THAT MAN NOW! He's married and you'll destroy two families at once! It only takes ONE quick instance. Once you do any sex act with another man, you've raped your husbands soul forever and you CAN'T take it back no matter how bad you want to.
Please don't take offence to the language, it's not meant to insult you, it's meant to try to convince you of a reality that you can't possibly see right now. I hope I can help to spare you the agony my wife, my precious kids and I have to live with every day.
Good luck and good decisions.
Bill

Hi,

I understand how lonely and upset you must feel.
And you deserve to have your needs met and to be happy.

The emotional affair you have started will not be the solution though. It will only cause you and many others so much more pain.

You are jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire. Why would you even want a man who tells another woman she is his 'soulmate', behind his wife's back?!?!? AND the part about you and the OM sharing photos of your families sent a shudder through me. How would you feel if you found out your husband had betrayed your trust that way? I certainly understand your feelings that your husband hasn't been there for you and has betrayed you with porn. You deserve more than that. But even if your husband can't or won't give that to you, obviously neither will this guy! RUN! He sounds like he's just as bad or maybe even worse than your husband IMO.
There's no future with this guy so end it now before you get any more involved. Drag it out and you will only make the ending more painful and destructive.

IMO you should tell your husband ASAP, send a non contact letter to the OM copied to your husband, tell your husband he has to decide whether he will work on his problems and the marriage or give you a divorce, plug into ALL the legitimate, Christian support you can find, get into counseling and start taking an anti-depressant to help you through the withdrawal from the affair. And you definitely should end the affair whether or not your marriage survives.

If you are that unhappy with the state of your marriage, tell your husband that things will need to change when he returns from deployment and that IC and/or MC is needed. I was in the USAF and saw way too many husbands and wives pull off their wedding rings and visit the NCO club when a spouse was out of town. The outcome was almost always the same, divorce, disease, pregnancy (with lover's child) and the everlasting guilt of knowing that they had lied and broken their marriage vows. Once you cross that line there is no way to take back what you have done. If your husband will not work on stopping his addition to porn, and rebuilding your marriage, meeting your needs of course, it may be time to look into your other options. I would never encourage someone to seek divorce, but do concede that it is the right thing to do sometimes. My wife met a man at our town's public library. She told me that he was very charming and attentive, that he seemed to care about her. Within three months the affair went from an EA to a ONS PA. He gave her Herpes, which she then passed along to me. A nice little reminder of the lies and consequences that "pops" up from time to time. He disappeared after she told him that she did not want to continue the affair, so I was in a better position to rebuild my marriage than most.

Questions for you: if this man cares about you then why is he seeking to destroy your marriage and break up two families in the process? Is he really sincere, or does he want a piece of a$$ (another notch on his belt)? How many other affairs is he involved in right now? If he can lie to his wife, how can you trust what he tells you? Will he give you a disease? My WW's OM was married too and still gave her Herpes. What does your Bible say about having an affair? These are only a few of the questions that YOU will need to answer. Until that time, turn off your computer and spend some time with members of your family and friends.

Killmeplease -

First off...change your name it makes me cringe.

I love your post. You have said everything I've ever wanted to say and in the exact terms I wish I could use.

I feel so terrible for your pain. You seem like a very strong person. Do you have a thread where I could go to read more on your situation and where you are on the road to recovery?

I think you have offered some wonderful advice to MedicWife and I think she will view this as a 2x4 but I hopes she listens.

Your expression of pain should have a tremendous impact on any WS.

I commend you for that.

medicwife,

you have gotten some great responses and i don't want to overwhelm you. but i had to respond.

3 yrs ago, I was EXACTLY were you are now. The first person i met was miles and miles away from me (he was also very much younger, single). we had a major EA for a while. but that one could go no where, mostly due to the distance. and once i had a taste of that connection, i wanted more!!! and so i kept looking and i kept insisting that my marriage s*cked and would never improve until i got to the point that I decided the marraige was over and i would have sex with some guy to prove it to myself. (this one i had only talked 2 times prior to meeting him, but that is the thing about internet, and if you get too comfortable chatting online, all of a sudden you feel a huge connection with someone after the first 5 min)

I MADE A TOTAL MESS OF MY LIFE!!!!!

The point is, if you are struggling in your marriage do something about it directly. And i think the plans here are perfect for any troubled marriage, not just those hurt due to infidelity.

So first: PLAN A him to death!!! i know this sounds crazy but really dig deep into your soul, find out what you are doing that makes this marraige less than what you want it to be. get into individual consoling if you must. keep posting here, we will help and support you thru it all.

then if you feel your love for him is getting totatly depleted, then do a type of plan B on him. Plan B is really for a spouse to do to another spouse that refuses to stop an affair. But in your case it is that your husband refuses to work on marriage with you. So you tell him you must seperate from him until he is able to commit to working on marriage, that you must protect yourself from the damage his inaction is causing.

Don't do it the way i did it!!! which is what you are heading for. If you cannot get thru to him and you are that miserable, seperate from him, if that does not work and the marriage really does have to end, then make it end, learn, heal and be ready to move on with your life with someone else who is NOT MARRIED!!!

Please post more here!!!! i care about what you are going thru, because i have been there and i know how much it hurts. If i can be of any help at all, then maybe the hurt I have gone thru and now the hurt my H is going thru can be put to some good use. that does not erase anything, but it would still be a very good thing.

please keep posting!!!

Karen

Heroswife,
I think I've only actually posted on the site once, when I was at the end of my rope (the chosen name was no exaggeration, I would've paid for my own hitman if I could've found one). But upon finding this site I read the words that, (except for my dad and he'd never been in this position so how the hell would he know) NO ONE else ever told me, not friends, not internet searches. I read on this site,"affairs do not usually end marriages". Everyone I talked to, all the tv programs, all the divorcees said, get a lawyer do your homework it's OVER, and I was devestated, I couldn't bear to lose the most sacred and intimate part of my marriage with my dear wife, and everything I had worked for. I just wanted to be dead. This site had the first words of hope for me, and I made a post thanking Dr. Harley for them. Not that I haven't been down almost as low since, but I feel he did save my life at that time. And after pouring through the sections on infidelity and surviving an affair, I was able to overcome the negative offerings from everyone else. We're on the grueling road to recovery. I can tell you this. An affair hurts you as much as you love someone. The stronger your love is, the deeper and more devestating and the longer the pain of betrayal is. When I read medicwifes' post, I felt compelled to try and save this fellow in Iraq, (he's gonna need to wake up when he gets home), his wayward wife, and his kids from one of the most devestating things that will ever happen to them. And the thing is, it's a choice and it can be stopped right now ... if she'll listen. If she doesn't, I'll challenge her to post back here and tell us how she feels then.

Medicwife

Basically it sounds like you are unhappy in your marriage and with the partner you have choosen. You can focus on the marriage to try and create a marriage that works. You can end the marriage and go on your separate ways (never completely separate due to the kids). Or you can continue to have an EA and then a PA. I would suggest that your feelings for this new man have more to do with yourself and your relationship with this new man. This new man could be one of million people that would fill your needs now. You need to concentrate on your marriage and decide if that is where you want to be. If not, then you can move on and their will be plenty of new men out there, maybe even this one. Then you can move on honorably. However, having an affair and escalating an EA to a PA (which for most betrayed spouses is harder to recover from -- the PA and EA rather than "just" an EA) will only make dealing with the marriage harder.

Killme -

I'm starting a thread for you. You have such a way with words. I want others to hear about your story without having it embedded in Medics thread. I hope you do not mind.

Hero

Well, it seems I was ill-prepared for the beating I was to take after my post last night. Not that i really expected sympathy. But it was better to hear from other WS who have been where i am at... not so much from the BS who wanted to make me feel like a whore. I'm sure not the intention, but i believe that phrase was used a time or two.
Anyway. Not alot of progress today. I did not follow advice to stop talking to OM, we talked this evening, I actually brought up the word "affair" and he acknowledged we are completely in an emotional affair. His wife has been hinting divorce for months so he isn't as bothered as I am by it.
To anyone who knows me this is so unlike me. Everyone believes I am so strong and full of faith... but in actuality I am scared to death. I didn't get married to be alone! I don't think anyone does. I am not blaming the deployment or the Army or even my husband for my actions.
I am the one choosing to do what I am doing. No one has coerced me into this.
My explanation on my first post of the situation was a bit rambled... so many thoughts and emotions it was hard to get them all down, and to make sense. I don't blame my H for what I am doing. I know that the problems that we have had have contributed to the emotional hole that I have inside, a hold that I didn't know was so big until I met OM, and it was filled. I am not going to tell you I've been a perfect wife (up until this point). I haven't. I know that I had huge expectations for a great marraige. That is all I had seen around me, couples with healthy loving relationships. I wanted that. Expected that. I told H in premarital counseling my EN and my Love Languages. I had studied and read up on all of this before I even dated him so I would know how I "work", what I needed/wanted. He seemed to fill some of those in our dating months.
Let it be known that we rushed things. We met in May and married the end of December. I was so in love with being in love I ignored alot of warning signs, because I was so "convinced" he was the one. He was rarely romantic, and I over compensated by being the romantic one, figuring he'd see that it was important to me. He never "let me in" to who he was, things he thought about... instead pushed me away, to deal with it on his own with God.

I know I am rambling again. Sorry. I know the whole soulmate thing makes most people gag, and I never even used that word before to describe someone else.
The OM said tonight that we both are totally fulfilling gaps in the others lives... ones that should be filled by our spouses. But they won't even aknowledge there is a problem.

I read some more posts last nite after I put mine on, and I really believe OM and I are addicted to each other. We have both attempted to cut this off, but then one of us, or both of us makes contact with the other... and it escalates.

I know that telling my H would destroy him. Especially with the situation he is in. I think that part of this A is not only a fulfillment of EN but also a distraction from the depression and fear I feel all the time about losing my H. Most days I don't even want to get out of bed. My children are my joy, my reason to get up and make myself be prodcutive instead of wallowing in fear and despair.
I am afraid that when H gets home I will not be able to help him to deal with all of the horrific things he has gone thru. That it will drive us farther apart. He will push me farther away. I have been fearful of not being able to fix our marraige, of being doomed to having a failed marraige.
Perhaps I am subconciously sabottaging this M so he can't hurt me again. I don't know... maybe I am overthinking this.

I know that I NEED to stop talking to OM. But my flesh does not want to. I want to keep doing what I am doing. The good feelings I get ( which is so selfish) outweigh the future pain I anticipate my H and kids and family will feel when/if this is revealed at this point. Does anyone else understand that without jumping down my throught? I am not asking for sympathy, but for empathy, guidance and suggestions from WS who have been there, particularly WW.

I have gone back and read your replies and you should also, NO WHERE do I see anyone accuse you of being a whore or anything close!

What I do read is replies that are honest, you ARE having an affair, you ARE looking for someone else to fill your needs, you ARE addicted to the OM, YOU contacted him today!

The replies you received were heartfelt and very MB style, tell it like it is. NO, it's not pretty, people have taken the time to respond and try to help you from jumping off a cliff, from taking the next step. They are ALL trying to help you!

If you felt that it was a beating, I believe that your guilt is taking over rather than your sensibilities. The OM says he and his W are TALKING divorce? Until both of you are single, neither of you has any business continuing this relationship. You are free to end your marriages and be together if that is what you choose to do.

I did not see you respond to any of the suggestions you received, only complaints that you did not like them and are blatently ignoring them. It's tough love here Honey, but it's love and many marriages have been saved this way. You are fortunate to have the benefit of those who have been on both sides, learn from it instead of repeating it.

If you only want responses from WS's, you need to start another thread and ask specifically for BS's to not respond. Honesty, remember, that's what it's all about. My prayers to your family, Ladysing

ladysing,

the word whore is used in killme's post:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> then you'll put yourself in the category of a common dirt road whore. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">BUT (medicwife this is for you to see) it is there with the word IF:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> IF you do this to your husband behind his back, </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Please understand, some of the BSs here are in a lot of pain!!! but they still only want to help you and your H and your family.

NOTICE WHAT ELSE KILLME says:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Please don't take offence to the language, it's not meant to insult you, it's meant to try to convince you of a reality that you can't possibly see right now. I hope I can help to spare you the agony my wife, my precious kids and I have to live with every day.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">and notice something else, who does killme list first in the list of people he knows was hurt so much: his wife. pretty amazing huh?

one of the biggest benefits i got from this board was reading what so many BHs had to say. hearing how much they still loved their Ws, even though they betrayed them. reading how they just didn't understand how much pain their Ws were in prior to the As. how they now take responsiblity for the state of the marriage prior to the A. They should not take responsibiltiy for the A itself, but they do get their eyes opened about how they could have been better Hs and how they hurt their Ws by not being better Hs and how they are sorry and how they want to be better Hs now. It is amazaing and very powerful to read their posts.

(BWs, i don't mean to just focus on BHs, it's just that I am a WW, so it makes more sense for me, i want to understand my H and I can do that better by focusing on the BHs here because that is now what my H is). BWs stories are just as important.

medicwife,

i am SO GLAD you posted again. I really thought about you all evening. YES, there are (too) many WWs here that can help you. listen to autumday, her kind words have helped me a lot just recently (i just recently confessed to 2 1/2 yr PA). I, like you, felt H didn't love me at all. Please read up on my story (something you can do with your free time while you ARE NOT talking to OM).

You are asking for help, I am right here offereing it to you.

Now I understand things so much better, it is not that H didn't love me, actually i have discovered H loves me emensly. WE just didn't know how to be happily married. H did not want to work on marriage until i crossed that line. externally all H knew is that I wanted to divorce, and that was a huge wake up call and he has grown so much. My story would of been so much different if I had not coupled my decision to divorce with the act of infidelity. PLEASE don't make my same mistake.

I understand you may not be able/ready to jump into 100% and complete no contact yet. that is OK, we can still work with you here...

How about this, tell OM you need to take 1 week off? Ask him to not contact you during that week at all. tell him you need the space, tell him you understand he will miss you (because i suspect that is what he will say to you) but you really need him to do this for you. you need him to give you a week off.

this will do two things for you.
1) give you time to read and post here till your fingers are tired of typing and your eyes are tired of reading.
2) possible see OM in a different light because if he refuses to give you the space you have just told him you very much need, then he is NOT thinking about you first!! and if he is NOT capable of trusting that you know what you need and if he is NOT willing to give you what you need, that should put some thoughts into your head about whether or not he is your soulmate.

Can you do that medicwife? can you give YOURSELF a week?? you know i will be asking you for more later, but for now, i am just asking you for 1 week.

STARTING NOW! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

i may not be able to post again until sunday or at the very latest on monday. PLEASE know I am thinking and praying for you anyway.

Karen

I stand corrected Karen, the word was used but it was not calling Medicswife one.

I hope that she will keep reading and take advantage of the caring people here who are willing to take their time to try to help a stranger.

There is always hope for a broken marriage if both parties are willing to work for it, this site HAS saved my marriage and I hope it can do the same for Medic's family.

ladysing, right, it is there BUT with the big qualifing IF. I just wanted to make sure medicswife got that. As you can imagine i can relate to her so intensly so I can understand her not really getting the "IF" part of his msg.

I really want to help her, like i said, it doesn't undo the mess i have made and the pain i have caused my H and family (i am working on making ammends there) but boy would i love to keep someone else from doing what i did. and then in turn, she may be able to help another, and so on and so on. sounds so nice to think that is possible to accomplish. and I sure need to think i can accomplish good here too.

so medicswife, by reaching out, you are not only helping yourself, you are helping me too.

<small>[ April 09, 2004, 10:06 AM: Message edited by: FinallyLearning ]</small>