Lady -

You hit the nail on the head with your post. Shooting from the hip is what helped me the most during my ordeal. I applaud your post.

Medic -

I hope you realize that this statement alone should open your eyes to what is going on. You stated the following:
[B]
I didn't realize the hole was so big until I met OM.[/B

Doesn't that tell you that what you are saying is gibberish? Not to say that you should discount your feelings. I have no doubt that you have some connection to this man. You have found in him what you were looking for in your mate.

I would suggest that you disclose this relationship to your H. You can tell him in a way that will help him see how important your ENs are and that you are very serious when you say you want to work on your M.

If you are not willing to do this and continue to go down the path of adultery why not end your marriage now. It'll still hurt you H but not as much as the betrayal and lies...or should I say the continuation of the betrayal and lies.


One more note and I'll shut up here. The fact that you say you are a Christian should help you through this difficult time. In my mind a non-beliving sinner sets a better example for the Christian lifestyle then a someone who publicly proclaims to be a Christian yet commits the sin of all sins all the while proclaiming to be a Christian.

Hi Medicwife,

"His wife has been hinting divorce for months so he isn't as bothered as I am by it."

Don't you mean HE CLAIMS "His wife has been hinting divorce for months so he isn't as bothered as I am by it"?

Oh really? Have you asked his wife about that claim? How much you want to bet she has no idea whatsoever their marriage is in trouble? For all you know, she may be the one trying to fulfill his needs but he's put up barriers and won't do the sort of things with her (like communicate) that he does with other women. And why in the world would you assume you are the first or only woman he's had an online affair with?!?!? Why would you believe anything a complete stranger that you met at a chat room would tell you?!? For all you know he could be telling his wife 5 times per day how much he loves her. That's what my husband was doing during one of his affairs. Don't be so naive. OF COURSE he's going to tell you his marriage is no good. DUH! Even my 12 year old understands that men who fool around LIE: to their wife, the other woman, and even to their own children. What did you THINK a man who is at a chat room looking for somebody to have an affair with would say?!?!? You don't really expect an adulterer to admit he has a wonderful wife but he wants to fool around some on the side, do you?

Listen, we understand you want and deserve more than what your husband can provide right now. But you made a committment - he's your husband, not a mere boyfriend. You owe it to your husband to give him a chance. And that means including being honest with him and letting him know what he's up against. The same with the other man's wife; you are shamefully competing with her behind her back, taking her place in her husband's life, filling needs she probably would love to meet if he'd turn to her and you would butt out! I bet you don't have the courage to contact the other woman and let her know what her husband is up to. Nope it's easier for you to compete with her if she doesn't even know she has a competitor. If you really believed that she wants a divorce then why not contact her? You'll provide her the reason she supposedly wants to dump him. Ah, but it's better for you to keep the wife in the dark and pretend you believe him, isn't it? That way you can pretend you're a 'good girl' who's doing no harm to his wife. You need to believe she's a bad wife or doesn't appreciate him, don't you? You are afraid to find out the truth is most likely otherwise.

If you truly believe your husband will not work on your marriage then get a divorce. There simply is no excuse to go behind your spouse's back and have an affair. The same thing with the other man - if he really has such a bad marriage he needs to get a divorce before he starts a relationship with another woman.

And what are you thinking considering a guy you met online at a chat room, a married man to boot, who apparently can't be trusted and doesn't believe in taking responsibility to work on his marriage? Is that really what you're looking for in a mate? That's just plain dumb. Why not just take out a personal add saying you want to meet men who are dishonest, two-faced, won't care enough about their wife and children to protect and honor them, can't be trusted...

He's not your 'soulmate' unless your soul is as black and shameless as his. Don't bother with the pretend guilt. Genuine guilt is based on acknowledgement that you're doing something wrong (no rationalizations, blaming others, selfish excuses, 'soulmate', blah-blah-blah). And then that acknowledgement should lead to changing your behavior - stopping the wrongdoing. When you choose to continue further expressions of guilt are false. You want understanding/support (endorsement) for continuing the affair while pretending to be of high morals. Sorry - you won't find that here.

Addictions influence you to make choices that don't make sense, dangerous, destructive choices. You have an addiction. You acknowledge it. Get some help ASAP. If you don't stop what you're doing, completely and ASAP, then the consequences will be devastating and your fault. You said someting about how good it makes you feel to have an affair but admit it will hurt everyone (including the adulterers). You and the other man will have all the fun but your spouses and children will have nothing but the pain. You are purposely choosing a path that will cause immense hurt to those you claim to love, making a decision that will harm them in so many ways, making that decision behind their back, while they're trusting you. And the ONLY ones who will have any pleasure from your selfish and immoral choice is you and some (IMO) loser you met online?

I feel sorry for your husband, your adultery partner's wife, and the children.

Tell the OM that you are not interested in a sexual relationship and see how long he keeps talking to you.

Tell him that you will both need to be single before it would be acceptable to take your relationship to the next level and see what he does.

If he is willing to lie to his wife, and have an affair, what would stop him from doing the same thing to you?

Ask him if his faith condones adultery.

Don't you wonder how many other ladies he is chatting with?

Don't you wonder how many other women he is having an affair with?

Is his wife the way he describes because of his past history of being unfaithful?

Are you willing to give up on your marriage and risk your health without making an attempt to rebuild your marriage?

Have you ever felt the pain of having your soul ripped out by the one person you should be able to trust the most? Your husband will if you continue this EA and advance to a PA.

Use your head. Most men will say anything it takes to get laid. Sorry for the crude term but it is the truth and you are old enough to know it by now.

The real question is are you smart enough to put down the "loaded gun" (the affair) or do you have to find out the hard way, pull the trigger and shoot the one who is in hell right now fighting for our country?

Just an update on my current situation. I am ending it with OM. I sent the following email this afternoon, and have heard no response. Which is good, right? I Know that God led me to this site, this forum... to whack me upside the head with some brutal truth. Truth I already knew but was ignoring.

S...
It is time to end this for us. I can no longer violate my conscience... it is getting to the point where it is so calloused that I am not feeling the weight of my actions. Not a good sign. I can't be the one to put the nail in the coffin of your marriage... if it is even headed that direction. But I know that if K were to find out that the pain this would cause could be irreparable. And to your kids. I can't be the other woman. As much as in my flesh, my humanness I want to be with you, be close to you, even just be your friend and confidant... I have to do the right thing here. God says the heart is deceitful above all things... and I have found that to be true. My heart tells me to choose this despite the future consequences to either of our lives... but my spirit is crying to stop. I have been completely ignoring the voice of the Lord speaking to me, whispering to me His word, showing me the right way to go. I have completely indulged my desire for sin, and it has led me to a place where I am on a downward spiral into something I can not handle... that will tear apart my family. And potentially yours too. I think we are both lying to ourselves if we don't acknowledge that we are full on cheating on our spouses, betraying them. And no matter how bad each of our marriages may be, there is no justification for this. At all. I have been wrong. I have sinned against God and my husband as well as K and your children.
I ask for your forgiveness for pursuing this relationship, for indulging in our desires, for doing anything and everything that made you desire me more than your wife.
The simple fact is we are married. Whether we like it or not. We have spouses that would never think that we were involved in this kind of betrayal of their trust in us. Spouses that we have already hurt, and they aren't even aware of it.
I was trying to ignore my guilt, my sin... but I cannot any longer. This morning J called me and poured out his heart about wanting to make our marriage work, to do everything he can to make me happy and fulfilled, to be an example to our kids of true Christ like Love. That hit me right between the eyes. As i murmured in agreement my head was spinning and my heart was aching as I realized that while he has been praying and soul searching for how to love me better, the way I need to be loved; all I have been doing is seeking that love from you. Being a horrible example to my kids of Christ like Love. I had been doing things I knew would destroy him.
I am so so so so so so so so so so sorry for everything. I never expected to be in this situation, or to drag someone else into it with me.
I am sure there will be many tears shed as I mourn the loss of you in my life. To have a huge void filled and then cut off I expect is going to be painful and depressing. But I have to do this. I owe it to J (HB), I owe it to my babies, I owe it to myself, I owe it to you and K and A and D... but most importantly I owe it to My Lord Jesus. Who gave up everything that I might live in freedom from the sin that binds me.

I will be praying that we both find forgiveness and a renewed strength to put our energies into loving our spouses.
-- M

I am going to talk to our marraige ministry leaders this weekend and set up counseling for myself. I can't even believe that I am doing this. That I did this at all. I am so ashamed. So humilited by my sin. So in pain over the betrayal I involved myself in, and the hurt I have caused my H and our M.

Medicswife,
I am proud of you, you have come so far and with God's help are now on the road to recovering a loving Christian marriage.

When you feel weak or torn, go back and read your E-mail. Remember that sin is in our paths at every turn and with faith and perserverence, you do not have to taek that path.

There are a lot of MB'ers here who are willing to help, keep posting and reading!
Your H knows that the marriage needs help, you are both on the same path now. God Bless You! Ladysing

Mrs]http://www.marriagebuilders.com...t_topic&f=37&t=013937&p=]Mrs WLD's story[/URL]
I haven't been on this site in over a year but somrthing has guided me back. Please read my story and do searches to read my H's story. He is WLD, we are now in our 3rd year of recovery...IT CAN HAPPEN!!!!! I was the WW, I know your pain. IT CAN BE HEALED! God loves you and so does your H. Please read the above, assuming I did the link right! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Mrs WLD's Story
Maybe this one will work? I'm trying but not 100% computer savvy!

I am very proud of you and believe me you have done the right thing here. There are not many folks out there that will claim that their affair had a positive impact on their life in retrospect. This site is full of wayward and betrayed spouses that have felt the pain that you have averted. Now comes the tough part. IC is a good start. MC will help when your husband returns from deployment so that things don't fall back into the same old routine again. If you are depressed seek help from your doctor. I take an anti-D and there is no shame in doing so if it helps. I have found Effexor 150 mg to be my anti-D of choice. Fill your day with productive activities, such as visiting family and friends. Take your kids to the park or the zoo, just stay busy and keep out of the chat rooms. Your NC letter was one of the best that I have ever seen. The OM's failure to respond is a good thing and shows just how much he really cared about you. Once the option of sex is taken off of the table the OM will usually move on to his next victim. If he does write back, do not respond. Continued contact with the OM in any form or fashion will only take you back to square one. Seek help here anytime, we all may have a different perspective on things but we do share a common experience and can help. Please keep us posted as to your progress. Good luck and God bless.

medicwife. I'm so glad that you have found help here. This is an awesome place for advice and support in rebuilding your marriage. I want to say that I am very proud if you for making the right decision to not take this further into a PA. I can tell you that right now you will have withdrawals but at least you know that you haven't given yourself totally to this man like I did in my A. I am 10 months into recovery and still have a hard time forgiving myself at times.

I wish that I had known of MB before my EA became a full blown PA. This would have saved me and my H a lot of heartache.

My prayers are with you!

medicwife...your NC letter is awesome too. Very heartfelt but very stearn to OM.

That's great Medicwife!

To see that some can avoid the suffering and humiliation by stopping the affair in time is encouraging. I'm so glad for you. Stay strong. It will be tough - like withdrawal form an addiction. Don't give in to any desire to contact him ever again. You might find yourself trying to justify it for closure's sake or trying to just stay friends. But just remind yourself that would be like smoking another cigarette and thinking you can control it and still quit.

That's great about your husband contacting you and saying he was ready to work on the marriage!
What miraculous timing. You are SOOOOO lucky to get the opportunity to stop now before you destroyed two families.

I rec'd an email this morning from OM, a "last words" as he titled the re: bar. Just wanted to share it:

M-
I could never hate you, and you did the right thing by being the stronger one. I had already deleted you from yahoo, and I was just trying to figure out what to say to stop this. When you beat me to it.

M I dont know that my marriage is salvagable back to the way it ever was. We have some real issues that will probably take some serious outside help. Or maybe it never will, but it was that way before we met and you have not made it any worse. If anything you have shown me something that I miss and I would never have realized that if you hadn't come into my life. I dont want to forget you, or pretend you never existed. So even if you ask for my forgiveness I may not be able to give it to you if that means that we are erasing this.

I wish you all the best and you are fortunate that your marriage is still young. Good luck.


-- So i guess that is the end of our A.
I will be starting a new post, need help dealing with the withdrawl, etc...
Thank you to all who posted to me with encouragement and shedding light on the things I was trying to keep in the dark. I know I have a tough road ahead... but not nearly as tough as the one I could be on had I pursued this EA further. Thanks again, those who think of me keep me in your prayers...they are needed!

medicswife,

i am very happy for you! God bless. I will keep you in my prayers.

MW25-
I know that you've started a new thread, and I will read that later today, but I wanted to let you know how proud I am of you. I will tell you later how similar our stories are... except that mine went much further. I so wish that I had had the strength that you are displaying in stopping your affair before it got further. I know that it will still be difficult for you - withdrawal is not an easy thing - but it will get better. You are definitely in the right place!
I'll be praying for you.
CW