My brief story was 3 years ago my H had an affair for 2 years which he told me about. I was desperate to get my marraige back together it was a deep shock no rows so came as a real blow. I came to MB website and really learned alot and started to put my plan togethr to build the love back into our marriage.

I thought we were going in the right direction and my journal reflects my private thoughts during this time. However I had to do most of this on my own as he would never discuss his emotional needs with me. He is intensley private and was sent away to school at 8 years old.

We moved house and I took some time off more than a year as my self confidence had gone and I was'nt the same lively person as I used to be. I knew we could'nt go back to what we were however I believed that we could build something new and stronger.

My H has never been unkind to me in fact the perfect gent, very attentive and thoughtful. But the emotional withdrawal I felt again last year was truly awful. I tore myself in bits but it never occured to me that he would do this again as I had decided to trust him. Yes I did LB during this period especially after a glass of wine not abusive but questioning our relationship as I knew something was wrong. he refused to talk about our relationship.

At Xmas time he told me that he had been seeing someone else early in the year I was so distraught and he told me then that he thought it better he left as I deserve someone better.

After 2 weeks he came back and said he would try but I did'nt want him just to be present for a while but to make the commitment to a lasting relationship. he tells me no-one is in his life at the moment, he has had a bad time since September his father died and then his business partner shafted him out the business leaving us with a debt of $200,000 dollars against the house. He has no job and is very bitter about the whole thing. I have supported him all the way through and we had decided to sell our home and get out of debt and move somewhere else.

Last week he decided we wer'nt working no rows again. I got a job and have been back 8 weeks. He said he wanted to be in love and that there is someone out there for me and someone for him. he tells me he loves my intellect am a great cook, loyal and kind attractive BUT i don't do it for him. He tells me that his gut feeling is to go.

He left last week and came back on Sunday, I did feel that he was checking me out. Anyway he left again this morning and said it was for good he wanted to know that he was making the right decision.

I feel sick and hurt but I know that I can't do much more as so many years of my life have been put on hold. I did'nt cry or anything he just put his arms around me and told me it was the best and wished me a terrific life and that he loved me in his way.

I guess there is a time when you have to let go and have the courage to accept that there is nothing you can do. He wants the old life back that we had in the arly days when he WAS IN LOVE.

I'm devastated and would appreciate your moral support

Your H is not a happy man.

Happy self-loving people don't put themselves through what your H has put himself (and you) through.

Do you have children? How old and where are they?

Who is your emotional support system right now? Family? Friends? Church?

Now is not the time to try and "win him back" ... all you'll have is a broken man who is just as likely to rotate out once again when his anxiety overwhelms him.

Now is the time to open your arms and release him to himself. Let him go lovingly. Set him free. That's the only way you'll ever get him back in any meaningful relationship. Let him go without tears or emotional scenes.

For now, your best plan is one of self love and self care and self respect.

Have you read "Love Must Be Tough" by James Dobson?

Dr. Dobson argues that a marriage without mutual respect will not work.

Respect yourself. Don't allow yourself to be repeatedly disrespected by him coming and going at his whim.

You'll need a time of self healing.

Then devise a plan for when he returns. You'll need to have your conditions of surrender all ready.

Are you familiar with Plan A and Plan B?? Then re-post about your Plan A .... if you did a good job at meeting his needs without too many LBs ... (and I suspect you did) .... and then why Plan B might be ripe for you now... But read and study about these plans first before making a a decision.

I am so sorry for your loss.

Pep

I can't even imagine what torment you have been and are going through, i am glad you came here though. did you or your H ever do any counseling? if so was is it w/someone from MB? if not or if it's been awhile i would highly recommend almost insist that you do this asap. prayers to you.

thankyou pepperband and roughroad for getting back to me. I tried to do plan A to the best of my ability but it was hard because I never knew what my H was feeling therefore I never knew whether I was on the right track.

My H was always brought up never to express his real feelings and even when his mother died we were instructed not to cry. tough stuff when you have grown to love them. I have got Dr. Dobsons book Love must be tough and everything is right in what he says. I have tried to be as calm as I can as I remeber how awful it was the first time round ringing my hands and crying all the time.

However I am a strong person and when he came back at Xmas I said it was only on condition that we had a great marriage otherwise I would make a great life for myself. I know at the time it did shock him, however what I am not sure of is if he is threatened by strength and needs someone to be needy of him.

The most difficult part here is I feel I have nothing left to give I have not displayed anger because that would only damage myself. This is my second marriage 13 years next week (unlucky for some!) I was married for 17 years the first time and my 2 children are from my first marriage.

I am well supported by a loving circle of girfriends who have been with me for 45 years and 25 years and I am well blessed with a lovely daughter who is there for me, a son and 2 grandchildren. i kept my immediate family away from all this (5 brothers and 2 sisters) in case we got together I did'nt want them to judge him and blab all because that then makes it very difficult to meet up as he would have avoided it.

The most difficult part here is the acceptance of the situation. My H tells me there is nothing I could have done it's all in his doing. I often wonder from all the postings I have read here whether or not men and women are meant to be together for all time. I see so much effort on the part of the women who post here trying so hard to put their lives and their families together. No disrespect to the men who post here who are also deeply wounded.

I know I will survive this but I don't think plan B will work as my H has looked for a reason to go. I think I'd get an Oscar for calmness and dignity, not that I'm not falling apart at the moment.

I live in the UK and we don't have an MB councillor and my H would not talk to anyone anyway. He believes in the adage "least said soonest mended"

I wonder should there be a seperate topic here for those who support one another trying to rebuild our lives.

The ironic thing is that most people who know us have believed that I have had an ideal marriage but that is because it's all surface stuff and I could not get to grips with what was happening to my H in his mind.

I always believed that an ideal relationship was that the love would be there which would allow you to grow as an individual.

At this point I can only reflect on those very good times I had and let this river of life flow, as I am very sure that everything is as it should be at this time in my life and our creators plan for me is something very different and I don't know it yet.

God Bless you both for replying if there is anything you can help me with I'd love to hear it

Listen to Pep...she's got an amazing nose for sniffing out crap...(sorry Pep...meant in the nicest way of course!)

your H is full of problems and is reacting to a lot of external stress (as are many WS)...why do you believe that he knows what he is doing right now? why do think he's in any healthy state of mind to make decisions, let alone life-changing ones?

here's the big one: why are you going along with him on this??? it sounds like you are the one that is giving up, not him...

I agree there is a lot of desperation expressed on these forums...but loads of people are also feeling terrific and happy to talk about it with you!

feeling terrific has little to do with your external situation and everything to do with your internal situation...

you don't have to make a decision about your M or your S right now...you can just let it be as Pep so eloquently wrote to you...move along and let him sort himself out given time...

by the way, Plan B is all about YOU, not him...it allows you to set firm boundaries -- he will not jump in and out of your life like a yo-yo because you find this distracting and upsetting...it helps you preserve what remaining love you have for him...

in addition, Plan B lets him experience the D he seems to be set on getting, without all of the legal mess...a trial before reality...often this snaps the WS into sharp focus...do they really want this?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> what I am not sure of is if he is threatened by strength and needs someone to be needy of him. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">you do what is right for you...if filling his needs is important to you, then you do it...if you need a break from him, then you Plan B...

YOU are the one who can recover this M, or at least has the potential to do so...this is why Plan B is so important...sounds to me like he's been draining your love bank and you are ready to toss in the towel...

hope something in that jumble helps...so glad to hear you are surrounded by family and such good friends...I am sure that helps immensely...awed

P.S. you can also do marriage coaching by e-mail...you may want to consider that option...

thankyou awed yes I guess I've thrown in the towel here as I don't know where to go from here.

I know when he left he said he it could be the biggest mistake of his life. I guess I've always been around in his life.

Maybe you are right in Plan B he will be faced with the reality of feeling what it is like to be without anyone close to him. He has no-one around other than a brother far away and they only talk about polite things and a friend who is less than reliable and honest who is engaged in multiple affairs as we speak. Not really someone who can give him good advice.

Last time he left I let him take the 2 dogs with him so that he would not be lonely. while he was . i thought it would help him and not feel lonely, I missed them like mad so this time I have decided to keep them with me because I love them very much too and thought why should I make it easy for him by being so reasonable.

So I will go with the flow and see what happens as you've said Plan B is for my benefit.

Keep your posts coming

Thankyou

Keep the dogs...they can be such a blessing. That unconditional love will be helpful to you. I promise.

this is a message to pepper I've paid attention to what you said however I'm not sure how it is possible to think there is a future for H & I.

I have a plan that will keep me busy so that I don't call him maybe he will feel bad, but what I haven't worked out is what it is that will make them feel that they have lost something special.

I am feeling a bit strange in that it feels so much like the end and would like to know if plan B has ever worked for anyone once there H has gone

Let me know