I am trying to understand my husband and his actions. The short version is that he turned away from me after we lost our first baby early on. He was depressed and stressed from his job. This happened in six months. He states he hasn't wanted to be with me in so long. (6 months). We had a great marraige before that in his opinion. He turned to a coworker who filled his needs. She will be leaving to another job in 22 long days. The affair ended after 6 weeks when I discovered it. He states it is an EA but hey also had sex once. She is also married with a child. He has stated he wants to see if the feelings fade and try to work things out with me. We are both in counseling. He tells me he has a lack of confidence and optimism. He doesn't know Why this happened? He also states that he never had anything with her that he didn't have with me. My question is do you think the feelings will fade. Can you love someone and give up your whole life based on six weeks? I am also expecting our first child in 5 months. I hate the uncertainty of my future. We planned this family. Thanks for any input.

Hi Durham,

I'm not a WS but I hope I can help some anyway.

It's good news that your husband and the OW won't be working together muc longer and he's willing to go to counseling.

Yes, his feelings will fade. They only feel so strongly because it's like an addiction. But he will have to understand and agree to not have any contact whatsoever with her after she's gone. If he is able to do that (no phone calls, e-mails, snail mail, arranging any meetings for 'closure'...) then he will be able to get through the withdrawal and start feelign in love with you again.

Read as much as you can here. There's a lot of info that will help you avoid the common mistakes. Unfortunately the way you will feel like reacting will probably not be helpful in saving your marriage (whether that is reacting in anger, fear, or even love). Most affairs end eventually, but knowing your way around the do's and don't's sure can make things go a lot quicker and less painfully.

I'm not a WS either and i'm still learning but will offer what i can and hope you know that this site is a good place to be. you need to read his needs/her needs and surviving an affair both by dr. harley. you need to read as much here on the forum that you can as well as on the web homepage. post, post, post here until you are in blue in the face. don't get discouraged if you don't get many replies, sometimes it takes you replying to others before you start to get replies. prayers to you.

durham...I am a FWW and to answer your question, yes his feelings will fade and the optimistic part of your situation is that in a few weeks he will no longer we working with her. I still work with OM, due to the fact that I can't find another job and he is a stock broker who is very successful in our office and he certainly isn't going anywhere. I personally feel like a lot of A's feed upon those times when we are down and out and are just looking for a diversion from what is causing the stress. Your H is probably not really "fog-free" just yet and doesn't yet know what his feelings are exactly.

The A provides an escape from all reality. It truly is like being in a bubble where time stands still and you don't have to think about all of the problems in your life. It truly is a fantasy world for a time, one in which can be very challenging coming back from. My advice to you which has already been given is to make sure that your H truly has NC with the OM even after she leaves. He hasn't dealt with that reality yet and it's going to hit him hard when he no longer has the opportunity to see her anymore. Right now his security blanket is that they still work together. Just keep an eye on him, closely and tell him how you feel.

Tell him what is on your mind, hey you are entitled!!! Ask him how is he going to deal once she leaves the office and there is truly NC unless it is pre-arranged.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My question is do you think the feelings will fade. Can you love someone and give up your whole life based on six weeks? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is actually three questions.

1) Yes, the feelings will fade. I think he should get into some good IC to help him break out of his depression. Otherwise, it's likely that he will continue to "escape" into the memory of his affair. That will make it tough for him to "come out of the fog".

2) Can you know you love someone in six weeks? No, I don't think so. Can you be head-over-heels infatuated with someone in six weeks? Absolutely. The WS confuses the rush of infatuation with love.

3) Can you give up your whole life based on six weeks? Again, the answer is absolutely yes. But he'll regret it once he comes to his senses.

Affairs born out of depression are an attempt to self-medicate. Some escape into alcohol. Some escape into another's arms. That's why healing the depression is critical.

You may wonder why he didn't turn to you if he was feeling so bad. You represent the pressures of life that he's trying to escape from. Being around you reminded him that he's supposed to be a strong husband and father but he was failing you and your soon to be born child. In an affair, there are no such expectations. It's delightfully stress free when you're in the affair bubble.

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