i know a lot of people have shared what they have wrote to their WS and i have used a lot of what's been said in the conversations and letters that i have had w/my H. so i thought i would share w/you guys as well. We don't have kids so take that in consideration when you read these.

first planned conversation w/WH
I feel badly for you being in such a bad place in your life that you became vulenrable to an affair. i also know that you are entirely responsible for your choices as am i. I didn't realize the realtional consequences of my actions or lack of them. inspite of everything i believe you still love me. despite the horrifying days and nights i've had it has strengthened my resolve. i have become strong enough to see past all the hurt and anguish and see through the next portion of our lives.

i've known you for over 12 years and we've been married for almost 11 years. i would suspect that if you have considered trying to work things out that you are afraid things will go back to the way they were. but unless we could change time it is impossible for things to ever be the same again. i suspect you still cannot see that our future is brighter than ever. we can have the tools to make the coming years the best they've ever been. i know you will find your way back to us, until then i will remain yours.

a couple of things i want to share with you that might sound familiar (i read a card he sent to me when he was overseas shortly before we were married that said a lot but the short of it was that he loved me and he did want to spend his life w/anyone else and he would always be there for me, i also shared a card w/him that he gave me 6 months ago that basically said we've had rough times but that he loves me and that he couldn't imagine spending his life w/anyone else).

I then ended with that there are few guarantees in life but i guarantee you will never have to have doubts or fears about me again. i love you.


i'm going to post the stuff separately or this would be the longest post on record <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

This is a revised "trueheart" letter. again we don't have kids and i had to taylor it to the fact that my H isn't familiar w/the MB concepts. i had this letter but didn't plan on giving it to him unless i thought it might help. i gave it to him to read the day after i said what's on the first post on this thread and the day after i had confronted the OW's mom. I also told him i was giving it to him against my better judgement but that i do want to help him and want him to be happy and that maybe reading a letter written by someone who has been in his shoes might help. I also said that everything might not apply to him.


The secret to happiness is wanting what you already have.

Dear wayward spouses everywhere,
Thank you for taking the time and effort to read this letter. I am writing this in hopes that your spouse has brought you here in order that you might understand you are not alone in your thoughts and feelings. It is intended to give you a measure of comfort and hope that you can feel safe when you come out of the fog of an affair that has enveloped you so tightly over the past weeks, months. I do not know many of you by name, nor do I know of all the details or circumstances surrounding your life, or your affair(s). What I do know is that we share two very important things in our lives and makes us somewhat connected as a wayward spouse. I am hoping that I can help you come back to the light, that has, for so long, shielded you with that dense fog of an affair that you may still be in.

The first thing that we share is the love of a person that totally, completely, and unconditionally stands by our side. Through thick and thin, for better or worse, in our darkest hours, we have someone that has always believed in us, and still does. They have put up with our lies, our hurt, and our accusations. They have watched us trash the things they believed in more than anything in the world...our marriage, our vows, our trust and our love. In spite of it all, they see in us their hopes, their dreams, and their futures. They can't, nor do they want to, see themselves without us for the rest of their lives. They accept our imperfections and our infidelity as we have strayed from that which we know is wrong. They have continued to believe in us and want to help us right the ship and stay the course. They are willing to forgive us, grant us our mistakes, and come home to rebuild that life and make it better. They know they are not perfect, as well. They know they have made mistakes. They need us to open up, talk to them and give them answers so that they can learn, heal, and help repair the damage. They will accept their responsibility in these things. Can you? They don't see us as imperfect, scared, or angry. They see us as a shelter, a safe haven where they can laugh, cry, hurt, be silly or serious, and tell us their fears or fantasies. We are their safety net when they fall. They look to us for answers in life, no matter how big or small the answers are.

I know for a fact, that many of you, when with the other person, badmouth your spouse. You tell the other person how they do all the right things, fill you up, make you feel alive, do all the things your spouse does not, or used to do. You tell this person they are everything you ever wanted. They arouse you, they make you happy...interesting how you told your spouse that at one time too. And, the truth is, if you were to search your heart, you are not letting them do that now. They want to, they beg you to let them try...you justify your affair, by telling them "I just don't feel that for you anymore", "I don't know if I want to be married anymore", "I don’t know what I want", and a myriad of other flimsy reasons and excuses to buy time to spend with the other person. You give justifications that are so superficial they can't hold water. We even search our minds to think of everything that our spouse ever did, no matter how insignificant, how long ago it was, in order to make us feel better about cheating. We can find any reason to blame our spouse for US deciding and making a conscious choice to cheat and find a reason to say it is ok. What we should be doing is finding every reason for our spouse to forgive us. We should be finding every reason to stay together, to come home, to make it right, to be a couple...loving and supportive, forgiving and trusting. And you know what? Those reasons are there...everyday...the smile, the laugh, the tears, the love.... they are there each and everyday!! Just look!!!

The second thing we share is the fact that we are all weak!! I know full well the pain, anger, frustration, fear, embarrassment, passion, fun, laughter, love, fear, and all the rest of the wide range of emotions of having an affair. I know what its’ like to have that other person fill up your senses...so full and so fast you wonder how you ever made it without them. The sex is great, the passion is overwhelming, you can't wait to see them, touch them, hear them...all the while drifting further and further from your marriage...lost in the fog of an affair. No matter how we justify it, that other person...is a cheater, as well. They know we are married and they choose to cheat with us. And in many cases, probably have before, and have told the other person they are with, all the same, exact things they tell us. "You are my soul mate" "you are the only one for me" etc etc. We have heard them all and said them all. We have been told they can make us happy "for the rest of our lives". We have been so blinded by it all, that we give up family and friends we have had for years, in order for this other person to feel safe with us and convince them how we feel. We take all the energies that we don't use at home, and give them to someone "new". We spend money, time, and energy to build something with someone exciting, instead of spending that with someone that knows us and truly loves us. You see, the truth is, that we, both members of the affair, are very good at one thing.... telling each other exactly what we want to hear. We put together elaborate speeches, write poetry, find mushy cards, send the "perfect" gifts, say the right things...all for this other person. Both of us continue to hone our "cheating" skills to the point of perfection. What ever happened to doing that to your spouse, instead of leaving them at the side of the road with a flat tire?

We have derailed their entire life and emotionally checked out...in order to make us feel better about the affair. That simply isn't right. We took years to build something. We may have taken several years to weaken the foundation of it. But in one simple night of lust, and that is what it is, lust. The bottom line is that, you can trust the person you are cheating with less than you can trust yourself. It is a proven fact that only 25% of all affairs ever make it. Deep down in your heart, you still love your spouse, and you know it. You don't want to give up the excitement and passion you have found. The truth is that your marriage will never again go back to what it was. The blind faith in each other is gone.... it is replaced with doubt and fear. The wonderful thing is that you now have a chance to "rediscover" your spouse and your marriage. It is not as hard as you may think, but will take some dedication on your part. But the beauty of the whole thing is you will be stronger and more in love than you ever thought you could be. You create new memories, new routines, and a new life. You re-commit, reinvest your time and energies in that which truly loves you. The truth is most affairs end when the other person either gets what they thought they needed from you, and even more of them end when the other person finds another person. Oddly enough, you weren't enough for them either. In the end you are left with no loving spouse and your other person that was so steadfastly dedicated to you is off romping with "the love of their life". I know from whence I speak, my friends. I know of the pain, the sorrow, the hurt, and the look in my wife’s eyes when I left the house. I hear the sounds of my wife crying, begging, pleading, and hurting. I now see what a fool I was. I now spend everyday, happier than I ever thought I could be.

If the world were to end tomorrow, she would know I loved her as no other. No, she won't ever forget about the affair, and along the way, there will be things that will trigger her mind, but she has forgiven. You need to talk to your spouse to help them. YOU are the only one that can help them. They need you, much more now than ever before. You have to swallow that pride of yours, for them to heal. You have to open your life up to them, and hide nothing. You have to make it about them. The affair was making it about you, so now you owe it to them, no matter how embarrassed you are, no matter how much you don't want to talk about it, to make it about them. They know, from learning about his/her needs, what they need to do in order to help meet your needs. It is now up to you, to learn what you need to do in order to meet theirs. And make no mistake about it, it will be hard work, but it is oh so worth it!! This person you married, is willing to work with you in order to show you the love you deserve!! Are you willing to work to show them how much you truly love them?? By learning about what men and women need through Marriage Builders, they have shown that they are willing to adopt the principles that it takes to put their marriage back together. They have pledged their love, and even their support, to your recovery, as well as theirs. They have accepted the crumbs you have offered them, while knowing full well you were at the buffet with the other person in your life. You have one of the strongest, most committed, most wonderful, loving, and caring people in the world on your side. Don't expect them not be angry from time to time. Don't expect them to be perfect, let you off the hook, and not talk about it with you. They need and want to understand you and all the things surrounding what happened. It is part of the healing process. What you can expect is love, honesty, and the rebuilding of your marriage. They know what it takes to make things work now. They also know that they, as well as you, have to be stronger than ever before in their life, if this is going to work. That is why they are still here...they understand. They even know, that you may backslide in the beginning, but are willing to deal with that, in order to preserve and protect that which they believe in ......YOU.

I implore you, wayward spouse; burn off the fog of the affair. See the sand that is your foundation for the affair. There is no solid basis for this relationship.it is all smoke and mirrors that reflects this "love" you have found. Run, do not walk, back home and give your marriage all the energy, gifts, poems, cards, and love that you have given to the affair. The results are remarkable. But you have to be willing to be honest with yourself, first of all. You have to admit there is a problem, and you have to be willing to fix it, with your spouse, a counselor, whatever or whoever it takes to fix it. You have to be willing to want to be there in mind, body, and spirit. You will find a love more wonderful than anything you knew before. I hope this helps, in some way, to show you what life can be after an affair. I know that I am blessed with the most wonderful person. I was given the opportunity to feel what life was like without her, and it was not what I wanted. I found the answers I sought...I found them both here, and in her arms. I can only hope, that in some small way, you find the same thing, and that I helped the fog to lift. If you ever wish to talk to someone who understands what we wayward spouses go through, then feel free to write me...trueheart42@hotmail.com. There is a path back home. You need only choose it! Keep the faith!
*Out of our greatest fears, come our bravest deeds!*
Trueheart


My h's comments to this was that it was very good but that he has never talked bad about me to anyone, that if anything he has defended me.

This is the last letter that i gave my H. I left it for him taped to our TV 2 days after i gave him the "trueheart" letter. Again, i can't take all the credit for this letter i borrowed from another poster (i believe seekingbetter).


WH,
I'm not proud that it took this tragic situation to jolt me into action. However, i have taken a long hard look at myself and i'm making needed changes in my life. I have not rekindled this "fire" in haste, it burns with enduring passion and fiath. i've humbled myself these past few weeks. i've set aside anger and pride and any of it's forms as far as humnaly possible. Anger/pride kept me from listenting to you and gave me nothing positive to do.

i will be getting counseling to help me focus on the life i need to lead. it's clear that you withhld parts of yourself and i didn't nurture you back. counseling will help me and us in this. i wounded your love and enthusiasm for me and failed to share my own.

i would like to support you in your goals. you are still young, smart, and strong. i don't seek to control you but to be interdepentent to support each other. i didn't set you as my top priority but i am ready and eager to do this now, it's not too late and will suppport you if you let me. i want the opportunity to show that WE tried our hardest and did everything possible before giving up on our marriage. i would like to pursue this with you when/if you're ready.

with great respect, admiration, and affection, roughroad.

i don't know his reaction to this, haven't talked to him about it since i left it for him.

^ for starfish

rr....I love the letter to WSs, but it is one that is trying to motivate with guilt...helps some...bothers some. I love seeking's letter too....very humble and full of action that he can take....so like him. I know why you are reluctant to go to Plan B....because you are for most purposes already there...aren't you? How often to do you see or talk to your spouse?

yes, i guess when you put it like that, i am already in a modified plan B. i probably haven't talked to my H in 2 weeks and the last time i saw him was on 3/27/04. i guess the best way to explain why i'm doing what i'm doing is to read my thread on my sessions w/SH but you probably already have. guess i just don't feel like giving my h a plan B letter would help me because i would continue to think that he was probably glad i gave that to him and why would he even miss me or what we had because the last time we were actually together (intimately or living otherwise) things were still the way they were prior to Dday.

i really haven't had a chance to show him my changes other than my weight because when i was at our house last he didn't stay there (stayed w/a friend because it would be easier for him-his words) or try to spend any time w/me but was willing to "talk". again, thanks for the reply and God Bless, RR