Ok. Another R discussion.

He was here this afternoon. After I put the baby down for her nap, we were talking. His cell phone rang - three guesses who it was. He took the call outside, and when he came back - I'd had enough.

Me - "How long are we going to do this?"
WH - "Do what?"
Me - " THIS".
WH - "I was under the impression it was a long term thing"
Me - thinking...don't want to LB... "Do you have any idea how much this hurts me and the kids?"
WH - "yes"
Me - "our son is like a different kid. I'm not putting ALL of that on you, but he's definitely much better when you're here"
WH - silence
Me - "Do you ever think about us?"
WH - "yes"
Me - "and...?"
WH - "I was unhappy here, WHB"
Me - "and are you 'happy' now??"
WH - "somewhat. And truthfully, if things don't work out with OW, I'll probably get my own place - not come back here"
Me - "do you realize how selfish you're being? I just can't understand why you're totally giving up on us when we spent many years discussing how we would NEVER be in this position."
WH - "we've been over this. Maybe I shouldn't come around so much. Are you in denial?"
Me - "I know exactly what's happening. My H is living with OW. Do you want me to shout it from the rooftops?"
WH - "no, I just don't think you ACCEPT it."
Me - "what am I supposed to do?"
WH - "accept the fact that this is the way our lives are going now"
Me - "I can't date. I won't. I am a married woman"
WH - "I'm not talking about dating. I'm just talking about accepting things"
Me - still don't really understand what he's telling me..."why haven't you filed for divorce?"
WH - "truthfully, I just don't want to get involved with that right now. Why, do you WANT me to?"
Me - "of course I don't want a D, but for very different reasons. I believe we can have the happiest marriage on earth if you'd just give us a chance"
WH - "I'm just not ready to do that right now."
Me - "Is OW still getting D?"
WH - "yes"
Me - "and she'll have her kids 1/2 the time?"
WH - "eventually"
Me - "I feel sorry for those kids - they have some messed up parents"
WH - "actually, they seem pretty happy"
Me - "sure, now - but the recorder is on and they're going to remember everything that is happening to them."
WH - "Are you optimistic about us because I haven't filed?"
Me - "truthfully, I'm optimistic b/c I know that there have been people in your shoes - doing the same things, saying the same things; who have eventually come to their senses and come home to work it out"
WH - "then why don't you just keep quiet and wait?"

Then the phone rang. After the call, he was back to joking with me. I thanked him for talking with me and he said he didn't think we did much, but "you're welcome".

He seems so cold and uncaring - like it's not affecting him at all. But I know it is. I just don't get how he can talk with me about this and seemingly look right through me. When I asked him how he feels about me, he said he feels pity and guilt.

HELP!!! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Have you had the conversation with him about how you WOULD eventually move on WITH or WITHOUT him. How you would fall in love eventually and and another man would be filling his shoes?

You said he is living with this OW? Do they have an apartment or what? Have your kids met her? I would suggest that you make him take the kids for an entire weekend, without OW being around. If he wants it this way then he NEEDS to see how it will be. You need to start pushing reality up his nose. Start making plans for him to have the kids BY HIMSELF every other weekend and one or two nights a week for dinner. This is how it will be in the real world. Dont take any excuses about how OW will be there, etc...you MAKE him take those kids WHB. You need a break too. Also start talking about how you will move on. Tell him to come over and babysit so you can go out...go out, you can go out alone, doesn't matter, just dont let him know that. Look your best.

You ahve got to get this ball rolling. Your WH sounds just like any other WH. he is still coming over, just like mine did. Saying the same things, etc..Get the ball rolling NOW. Call him NOW and tell him you want to start NOW with the visitation thing and you have a "date" one night and he needs to babysit.

Mom - Like your FWH, my WH has an unusual job. He works odd, long hours - including most weekends. Part of his reality is that he'd never really be able to have the kids for any length of time.

Yes, he & OW have an apartment - isn't that disgusting??? And yes, I did talk to him about how another man would eventually take his place - in ALL aspects. He said he wouldn't like that, but he didn't put up much of a protest.

And no, the kids have NOT met the OW - by design. I do not want them exposed to this scumbag. There is NO reason for it. So, in order for him to have the kids, he'd have to come here or go to his mom's house (which I've suggested to him).

I have gone out a couple of times with friends and what not - always looking my best. I guess I could start by leaving when he comes over, and let him handle ALL aspects of a typical night around here - dinner, bath, bedtime, etc.

I am so lost. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

WAITTTTT !!!!!

Hold the phone on the whole DATE thing.

Say you have plans...or just could really use a break.

It's good to let him know you have a life of your own to live, but you are still communicating to him that you are a married woman, and you know your marriage can be stronger and better if given half a chance.

You HAVE to stay vigilant in what your saying. You're doing great so far.... hang in there. Their little bed of roses is about to burn....just inhale..exhale...and KNOW it will happen. You'll have the front row seat. Don't TELL him this....just hang on tight. You know what you want...fight for it !

Tell him to come over and babysit so you can go out...go out, you can go out alone, doesn't matter, just dont let him know that. Look your best.
In no way should you imply that you are going out on a date.
Yes, you don't need to let him know you are going out alone but there should not be a hint of a date.
IT should be EXTREMELY clear you are married and want to remain married and that you are NOT dating.

Wanting Him Back -

Wow. These WS's really follow a script. It is scary. And us as BS's do, too. Not only did I have that exact conversation with my FWH, I posted a thread about it and called it almost what you named your topic! Weird, huh?!?

It is all fogese. You did awesome not LBing, reminding him of commitments you made and things you used to talk about. And it is OK to tell him how much he is hurting you.

My H tells me now that a real turning point for him was when he realized that I truly did not NEED him anymore. I WANTED him in my life, but I didn't NEED him. I'm not sure of your whole story, but when H left, I thought I would die.

Then, I woke up the next morning and I was still alive! And with the help of this site, my church, my friends, my family, I grew strong. And one day I looked him in the eye and told him I didn't need him.

And now he is home. He said that feeling NEEDED in that way by me was crushing to him. Being WANTED by me was alluring. Strange.

Anyway, let me know if any of this helps you out. If not, I have lots more to share. H has told me lots of stuff that explained some of his puzzling fog actions. Perhaps I can shed light on something for you.

Lots of love and HUGS!

SS

WHB,

I'm sorry, but I'm going to jump in here and critique this a bit. I hope it's not too offensive.......

First of all, you say you're trying not to LB, but I see LB's all over the place in this dialogue. I understand, believe me, I do. But you will accomplish NOTHING with a "talk" like that........

You push, he pulls away, you suggest, he denies......you're going nowhere. Do you see that?

Let's analyze your "talk":

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Me - "How long are we going to do this?"
WH - "Do what?"
Me - " THIS".
WH - "I was under the impression it was a long term thing"
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">FOG TALK
You won't accomplish anything talking to a FOG-BOUND brain like his!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Me - thinking...don't want to LB... "Do you have any idea how much this hurts me and the kids?"
WH - "yes"
Me - "our son is like a different kid. I'm not putting ALL of that on you, but he's definitely much better when you're here"
WH - silence</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ooooooookay, you didn't want to LB, but you just told him son is better off without him.
No wonder there was a silence after that remark.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Me - "Do you ever think about us?"
WH - "yes"
Me - "and...?"
WH - "I was unhappy here, WHB"</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oooops!! Almost a Selfish Demand..........causes him to feel yrapped like a rat in a cage!! WHERE can he run?!?! HOW can he get away?

They always go back to "but I was unhappy.........."

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Me - "and are you 'happy' now??"
WH - "somewhat. And truthfully, if things don't work out with OW, I'll probably get my own place - not come back here"</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">FOG TALK!!! Don't believe a word of it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Me - "do you realize how selfish you're being? I just can't understand why you're totally giving up on us when we spent many years discussing how we would NEVER be in this position."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Disrespectful judgment, angry outburst.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WH - "we've been over this. Maybe I shouldn't come around so much. Are you in denial?"</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What COULD he say? You'd pretty much told him he was totally at fault.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Me - "I know exactly what's happening. My H is living with OW. Do you want me to shout it from the rooftops?"</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Angry outburst

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WH - "no, I just don't think you ACCEPT it."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is straight out of the FOG-LAND journal. WHY should you "accept" that your H thinks it's OK to live w/ow? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Me "why haven't you filed for divorce?"
WH - "truthfully, I just don't want to get involved with that right now. Why, do you WANT me to?"</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">GOOD QUESTION!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Me - "Is OW still getting D?"
WH - "yes"
Me - "and she'll have her kids 1/2 the time?"
WH - "eventually"
Me - "I feel sorry for those kids - they have some messed up parents"
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ooops, DJ.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WH - "Are you optimistic about us because I haven't filed?"
Me - "truthfully, I'm optimistic b/c I know that there have been people in your shoes - doing the same things, saying the same things; who have eventually come to their senses and come home to work it out"</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">GOOD answer!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WH - "then why don't you just keep quiet and wait?"</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">EXCELLENT!!!
He's telling you here that basically he wants TIME............

I would give it to him.

Listen Wanting,

Please don't feel like I'm beating you up. I'm TRULY not meaning to do that. I'm so sorry if you are taking it that way.

I just want you to see, first of all, what a waste of time a "talk" like that is.........

At this stage of their A, relationship talks w/your H are USELESS......
It just makes him defend her more..........
Otherwise, it just makes him look as stupid as she!! After all, he's doing the same horrible things to his fmaily that she is to hers!!!

Personally, I think it's time to consider Plan B. You have been doing this for what? 5 months? Has your Plan A been "pretty good?" Perfect is better! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

What about if you set yourself a time limit......like say, Memorial Day. Do a FAULTLESS Plan A till that time. That means NO Disrespectful judgments, NO angry outbursts, NO selfish demands.............NOTHING except showing him you love him, and want nothing more than to have your family back intact, and happy.

Then, is nothing changes, and he's still w/ow. BAM!! Go to Plan B. It'll rock his world, and make him have to have ALL EN's met by her.....and won't get to know whether or not you're still "waiting around" for this to end.....

He'll have to fish or cut bait then! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Just my .02 - fwiw

God Bless,

<small>[ April 08, 2004, 06:04 PM: Message edited by: lupolady ]</small>

Hi WHB,

I don't believe that you should be having these "discussions" either really.Neither one of you has accomplished anything except to rehash the painful situation all over again.I have had some talks with my WH like that and I always end up worse off.You should be in Plan B if your WH is living with OW and I am glad you set a boundary of exposing the children to this OW.I told my WH the same thing.The homewrecker is NOT to be around my daughters.

Your WH sounds "cold and uncaring" because he is not the H you married and has undergone a drastic emotional change and not for the better IMO.Don't look for him to be what you were used to.You'll set yourself up for a painful let down.

So,are you going into Plan B and if not why?

O

If this isn't a situation that is ripe for Plan B, then I don't know what is. WHB, you have been in Plan A for far too long and have actually become an enabler in this sitution.

He is able to sit on the fence and have a good ole time indefinitely because there are NO CONSEQUENCES. I can also tell he is losing respect for you. He knows you will be sitting there waiting for him so he can get his needs met by TWO women. Who wouldn't love that situation?

I would move to Plan B right away. And I do agree with mom's suggestion that he babysit those kids on a regular basis, just NOT that he ever take them to his flop house or let them meet the OW. He needs to experience what its like to be a single PARENT. So far he has only experienced being a single playboy with no responsibilities.

Make him take those kids to his mothers for his visitation. I wouldn't allow him back in your house. Change the locks and make it clear he is not to contact you anymore. Make him pick up the kids every weekend and spend the weekends with his mother. That will put a crimp in his playboy lifestyle.

I thought your discussion was very appropriate with him today. It is not part of Plan A to protect them from your feelings and he should hear how hard this is on you. It's unacceptable that he takes calls from his girlfriend in your house. That is called CHUTZPAH!

Two things jumped out at me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He is able to sit on the fence and have a good ole time indefinitely because there are NO CONSEQUENCES. I can also tell he is losing respect for you. He knows you will be sitting there waiting for him so he can get his needs met by TWO women. Who wouldn't love that situation? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My WH thought that I would always be waiting here for him. always here to take care of HIS kids. He could just go out and romp away. he actually thought I would grow old and gray and still be waiting for him...TYPICAL FOG talk <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My H tells me now that a real turning point for him was when he realized that I truly did not NEED him anymore. I WANTED him in my life, but I didn't NEED him. I'm not sure of your whole story, but when H left, I thought I would die.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This was also a waking point for my husband. When he saw me diong things that he would normally do around the house, he realized that I DONT need him...although I made it perfectly clear I WANTED him and I WOULD not find another man. But he saw that I COULD take care of myself and the kids. He didnt' like the fact that I didn't NEED him. I could get by fine without him.

I think ML is right...As bad as it may hurt, you might want to go into PLAN B...He is sitting on the fence.

Okay, okay.

Thank you all for your replies. Many have been encouraging Plan B for some time, I have been reluctant. There are several reasons for my reluctance - I don't think it'll work on him, it's too hard to do with two small children and his unpredictable work hours, and I'm not prepared for the consequences should Plan B fail.

I know you all think I'm weak. I'm no different than any other BS when I say that I love this man with all of my heart, and that I want MORE THAN ANYTHING to make our marriage work.

I sit here with tears in my eyes because you guys are probably all right.

I know he's cake eating - he knows he's cake eating. I am absolutely terrified at the possibility that he LIKES his single life. That he's happy to be free of child responsibilities. That I never really meant anything to him.

That statement just breaks my heart all over again.

Lupolady - thanks for the plethora of 2x4's. You were right on target with each of your analyses.

Spider Slayer - I have read some of your posts, and would love to hear more of your story if you have the time...

October & MelodyLane - I know you guys are right. It is time for Plan B. I just need to find the courage to implement it. I don't know if I can. Just typing "plan B" makes my heart shatter. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Mom - thanks as always for your support.

Also, you guys should all know that I have NO intentions of dating at this point. I am in no shape to do so, nor do I want to.

Someone please give me the strength and conviction to save my marriage. I am not ready for it to be over. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Also, you guys should all know that I have NO intentions of dating at this point. I am in no shape to do so, nor do I want to.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You dont have to date! I would never even imagine dating...I would always tell my WH I would NEVER go out with another man...HE is the man I want to go out with...

We will be here for you to help you along the way. You can do this. You are a strong woman. I can see it!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Wanting Him Back:
<strong>

October & MelodyLane - I know you guys are right. It is time for Plan B. I just need to find the courage to implement it. I don't know if I can. Just typing "plan B" makes my heart shatter. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't you want to save your marriage? Plan B is your best hope for saving your marriage. As you dawdle along in Plan A forever, he just gets closer and closer to the OW as she learns to meet his needs. Waiting too long only HURTS your chances.

Sure, it is not easy, but I can almost assure you that you will start feeling MUCH BETTER in 3 weeks time than you have for MONTHS! Not seeing him allows you to focus on your life again and not so much on your PAIN. It allows you to feel some peace when your face is not rubbed in the affair every time you see him.

It actually takes MORE strength to drag out Plan A, because you are essentially dragging out the PAIN.

Wanting, help pull him off that fence and stop enabling this affair. Plan B is no guarantee, but you can see for yourself that Plan A has not worked! Its time to try a new strategy.

Plan B can be done with children. Lots of folks on here have and ARE doing it.

Wanting - I feel I am in almost the same position as you. He's been lying and deceiving me for so long and I bought into his story. And as everyone says... he is in such a fog. I've been doing the whole LB thing for months now and this site (which a friend just pointed me to a few days ago) has made me realize how destructive it is. I knew that in my head but hearing from people who have been in eerily similar situations helps.

I really want my husband back too and thinking of the things we'll miss doing together and thinking of the damage to the kids (and no matter how well they turn out there will still be some damage) tears me apart.

I spoke to my SIL today and he's really mad cause he never told his brother what's been going on. Even tho it's been a year and half! I told him 2 days ago that I wanted to talk to SIL. I gave him the chance to talk to his brother but he didn't. Now he calls me selfish! Fog, fog, fog!

I've been telling myself for so long that things will work out. That there is no way he could turn his back on me and our 3 beautiful kids. But now I'm actually starting to think that maybe it won't work out. It's hard but I think I'm starting to move forward. And I am seriously planning a move to Plan B.

BTW... we are splitting time with the kids. We each get 3 or 4 nights a week. That will start in earnest next week. It's going to be hard on all of us, especially the kids. But I'm done sharing him and letting him pretend to play house. This is what reality will be if we can't work things out.

Good luck to you!

Good morning -

I talk with SH this afternoon, and will discuss intricacies of plan B with him.

I think you all know that I don't want to do this, but I know I can count on your support throughout.

I haven't decided if I am definitely going to plan B, but you have certainly given me A LOT to think about. I know SH will be agreeing with the majority of you, too.

BTW, how would I handle our daughter's birthday party in 10 days? WH dad is coming all the way from CA to be here...

And how do I handle letting him have the kids when he lives with OW and his schedule is so terrible? (he works every Saturday, most Sundays, and late nights during the week)

Thanks again....

Wanting -

OK, girlfriend, a lot of this stuff you will just have to trust all of us on, because you won't fully know what we are talking about until you have gone to Plan B.

I never initialized a Plan B, my FWH did! I think his guilt and shame, or maybe just fear of my temper, made is so he could not communicate with me. He requested contact only about kids and finances, only through email.

At first, it was SO HARD for me! Because, just as the WS is addicted to the OP, in a way we as BS are addicted to our WS. Does that make sense?

A lot of the fear you have right now is about not being able to communicate with him at all - because you might feel that the painful conversations (like the one you posted at the beginning of this thread) are better than the nothing you would have in Plan B.

The first week was the hardest. 7 days. By week 3, I was on more of an even keel and able to make decisions and motivate myself. My friends all noticed I was more stable and happy.

I'll also tell you what was told to me when I had concerns about birthdays, visitation, etc. LET HIM FIGURE IT OUT! That will be one of the natural consequences of him not having you in his life anymore if he chooses the OW - he will not have everything taken care of for him.

Let him find the visitation schedule. Let him feed them. Let him figure it all out!!! That's reality, I tell ya.

The way I look at Plan B, is that if you expect WH to go through the pains of withdrawal one day from the OW for you and your kids, you have to go through them from him in order to save your M. That is the way I looked at the whole thing. I also have lots of compassion for my FWH when he misses her. It is hard to go from talking to one person almost exclusively, to nothing all of a sudden.

So anyway, my H came home. And even though I didn't know if what I was doing was working or not, I kept posting my questions and following the advice I got from the vets on these boards. They have been there, done that, and they are wise in these areas.

I think you will surprise yourself with your strength and resolve if you will commit yourself to the plan. I sure surprised myself. Very few people go into these situations thinking they can do it. We are all full of doubt, fear, etc.

BUT, all of these are concepts that do work. I encourage you to be brave, take a leap of faith, and have confidence that no matter what situation you put yourself in, you will swim rather than sink.

You will get lots of clarity after the first week of Plan B. You must detach from his chaos. You must become the calm in the center of the storm, the safe place for him to come home to. You must be his lighthouse.

That is what I did. Mine came home.

Lots of love and support and HUGS!

SS

WHB,

I know exactly how you feel. I am in a very similar situation and I am reluctant to go to Plan B. I think the best is to listen to what SH has to say and draw up a concrete plan. Lots of love ang hugs.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Wanting Him Back:
<strong> Good morning -

I talk with SH this afternoon, and will discuss intricacies of plan B with him.

I think you all know that I don't want to do this, but I know I can count on your support throughout.

I haven't decided if I am definitely going to plan B, but you have certainly given me A LOT to think about. I know SH will be agreeing with the majority of you, too.

BTW, how would I handle our daughter's birthday party in 10 days? WH dad is coming all the way from CA to be here...

And how do I handle letting him have the kids when he lives with OW and his schedule is so terrible? (he works every Saturday, most Sundays, and late nights during the week)

Thanks again.... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WHB, I have never been in Plan B, but I think with your situation it will benefit you! Your H seems to come by the house quite often just to visit..Imagine when he CANT do that anymore..The pain HE will start to feel of not seeing you and his kids. right now when he needs his little fix of YOU, alls he has to do is come by, he's got his fix and leave again.

As far as the kids go and him having them. You make it clear to him OW is NOT to be around in their presence. Those kids need to be protected. He can have them at his mom's house or OW can go to her mom's house for the weekend. But he can work that out himself. You do not work it out for him. You tell him the weekend he will have them and he needs to work out his own schedule. You will be dropping kids off no matter what. You will be communicating thru a third party.

SH will tell you exactly what to do. He is very good. I know this is so hard for you...I can feel your pain. But I honestly think it will benenfit you in the long run.

Again, thanks everyone.

SS - Thanks for the encouragement. Did I read that your WH filed for D, then decided to come back?

Mom - As always, your words ring true with me.

You guys win.

SH helped me see the light. Off to Plan B I go.

He asked if I WANTED to go to Plan B. I told him that I did not, but obviously, Plan A isn't working, so.... SH said, "Ahhh. But wait. The purpose of Plan A is to demonstrate change. Have you done that?" Yes, I believe I have - whether or not my WH acknowledges it is another story.

He also explained that the groundwork has been laid, change has been demonstrated, and I'm having more and more difficulty 'keeping it together' in Plan A. Now is the time.

I will be waiting until after my D's birthday party to do it, however - with SH's blessing. So that gives me 9 days to prepare my PBL.

I am so scared to do this.

My best friend pointed out to me that it's always been important for me to believe that I've done EVERYTHING I can to save the marriage before I go dark. I believe that I have.

So, maybe like Spider was saying, this is the next step I must take in order to save my marriage. Thanks for that insight, SS.

Please keep me in your thoughts as I make preparations to go dark......

- WHB

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Wanting Him Back:
<strong>My best friend pointed out to me that it's always been important for me to believe that I've done EVERYTHING I can to save the marriage before I go dark. I believe that I have.

So, maybe like Spider was saying, this is the next step I must take in order to save my marriage. Thanks for that insight, SS.

- WHB </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WHB, we will be there for you. And as Spider so aptly pointed out, Plan B is part of a larger strategy to save your marriage. Staying in Plan A too long will backfire on you. It is really harder for many to stay in Plan A than it is to go to plan B.

Plan A is hard throughout, Plan B is only hard the first 3 weeks and then you start feeling relief and sanity for the first time in months.