I rarely post but today I am feeling very upset. I was told by sister in law about H trying to commit suicide H said he is stress out and depressed I figure it must be his guilty consence (sp?. H did admit he messed up for the infidelity, but he is still with the 18 yrs old. H says she treats him good,but that she feels quilty for what is happening to him and that she blames herself. I say she should blame herself in a way for persuing a married man and tearing a family apart like she did, H is also to blame.I guess my question is did any of you notice in your WS drastic changes like what they thought would maybe better their situation by choosing OP really in reality set them back. I ask this because H has lost atleast 40 lbs I can tell he's depressed and not happy yet he wont let OW go.H says he knows things between us are over, little does he know I would take him back in a heartbeat. It makes me feel sorry for him, but he chose to go this route, now he is on antidepresants. also how much can an 18 yr old take seeing this man suffer for abvious reasons. I want to call him and ask how he is doing but I don't know if that is good since I'm on plan B.
from what I was told this happen after we had talked about some financial stuff he couldn't take his eyes off of me. in his eyes I'm doing great little does he know I can't take him off my mind.

Destiny,

You are in plan B but you have learned of a critical event in your H's life. Contact is not forbidden so it w/b proper to contact your H to see how he is doing and let him know that you do care for your H just not the WS part of his character. Or something like that.

I agree with plan B but I also found that plan Aing the spouse and plan Bing the WS worked better for me.

I used to ask mine which character he was going to display when he came over the house (I kept communication limited to mail, money and child visitation). It forced him to review his attitude before he contacted me. I think that was important to ending his A. He did not like having that split personality.

Mine threatened suicide several times and one of those time, I called 911. That's a whole 'nother story but safe to say he is alive and well....recovering (right now he is also in the hospital because he had surgery today but he is definitely back in the M). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I am very sorry your H feels this bad, though it is a good sign that your H is not the WS all the time. Let him know you love him and w/b willing to help your 'H'.

JMHO,
L.

I agree with Orchid. I contacted my WH when I found out he turned down an offer to retire. I knew he always wanted to do that. So now he is retiring, and I promised not to initiate divorce.

My WH could hardly believe it and is so happy now. I told him that he has always been a good man and that I want him to be happy with or without me. I feel great about it.

i would definitely suggest contacting him. Plan B started by giving him a "love letter" right? From what I have seen by other's Plan B letters, it very much states how much you still want to be married, but that you need to take the action you are taking to protect yourself and your love for your S. I could imagine that the love portion of the letter is missed by the BS and all that is heard is the "i want no contact with you" part. i think your H really needs to understand the "i still love your and i still want a future with you" part of the msg.

My advice is to restate the love portion of the letter to him now, whether that be in person, on phone or in a note. with that said, i would also suggest restating the other part too, that is you still cannot be in constant contact with him until he commits to NC and commits to working on the M. make that part secondary and make sure the first part can really penetrate is hurting and fearful heart.

GOOD LUCK!!

not really familiar w/your story but are either one of you in counseling? you've gone to a PBL but you're a junior member on the forum? i guess just trying to figure out your history (exposure, plan A, understanding the MB concepts, etc.) and what got you to the point where you guys are in the M. I'm still relatively new w/this as well. but i have heard that a lot of times that hitting the lowest rock bottom possible is sometimes what it takes to bring the WS out of the fog. prayers to you and yours.

destiny2974,

Do you want to call him b/c of you miss him or you want to call him to find out if he changes ?. In strick plan B, you shouldn't call him. However you know your H better than any of us, if he is stuborn and you think you need to open a bit front for him to talk since he wouldn't know how to. Then make the call and make it short and just to find out, no R talk but concern about his emotional health.

roughroad,

Not every A ended w/ crash and burn, it could be de-fog slowly. MB concept is a bit different than "tough love". Also some WS will crash and burn but still not wiling to work on M even after A ended.

-rh-

Happy Easter to all of you!

Here is my update I contacted H about his actions
H said he had been feeling very depressed and that he did not deserve to live,he went on to say how much weight he has lost, how the medication he was taking for depression was making him feel,how he was always broke,he went on and on about himself wanting pity. I responded on his suicide actions I told him he would not solve anything by commiting suicide except that he would definatley leave our son fatherless and that he would make alot of people suffer for his selfishness.H said all his depression and his suicide thoughts came about from being away our his son (long story)- I had to make the VERY hard descision of sending our son with my parents out of state mainly because of H actions,H would have our son some days and only be with him a couple of hrs then call me degrading and insulting me to come pick up the kid ( all of this was witnessed by our son)each time things got worse. H had broken into my home threatened to leave our son their by himself, call the police and say I had left him their by himself things were really getting out of hand and our son was paying the consequences. I will also be losing my job soon and not having a place to stay so I will be renting a room for a while. I thought it would just be better for our son to be away from all of this, trust me a very hard descision, but I must say he is very happy right now.

Now back to my long talk with my H I may sound harsh on my responces to him but like I told him all that has happened to him has come from his actions what he did not me.H did take the blame for breaking up the family and saying things were never ment to happen the way they did,(but they did.) we talked like 2 adults something we have not done in a long time no screaming no insulting no nothing.I asked him a few questions about why he did things they way he did and he answered I was shocked to hear that he said he had no feelings for OW as far as love,that blew me over I said "you threw away everything for that and you have no feelings". he said she just treated him good,how can he base a relationship on just the way they treat you he had no answer.(she is 18 yrs old her parents kicked her out when they found out she was seeing a married man so she came to him after I had kicked him out. knowing my H the way I do, H felt responsible and took her in not thinking about what would actually happen)they are currently living in a rented room he is supporting her and her 1 1/2 yr old son , they are about to be kicked out because he owes rent from what he told me. I guess it is not paradise like he thought it would be.I told him he decided to raise another family and abandon his, what comes around goes around. H went on to tell me all that he was going through trying to make me feel sorry for him, I don't I love him but I don't feel sorry for him he chose all of this not me. I told him I had my own problems all of them focused on the future of our son because he gave up on him,I now have to play the role of mom and dad because of his actions. I don't really know how remorseful he is because he is always lieing but I don't for one second doubt he loves his son.
H is just not thinking straight, he would rather stay with this OW he feels nothing for then stay alone. I am planning on moving to FL in a couple of months if he would straighten up and decide to work on this marriage I would be willing to forgive.I just don't know how to approach him on this I do know he knows I still love him, but he also knows I told him over and over again in our marriage if he ever cheated I would never forgive him,( you never know until you walk in those shoes).

I don't know if it was easy to follow my story it's very complicated we have been married for what would have been 9 yrs today and living together for 14 yrs I was 16 he was 20.we've had our share of problems like everyone else things just got worse and I stopped meeting some of his needs like he stopped meeting mine and we grew apart.now is realized I love him more then I thought and it may be too late, H may sound like a bad person but he was a great man in many ways. the thick wall of this fog thing changes them into evil monsters willing to give up everything.OW from what he says feels guilty for what is happening I say she should, how can she expect to come into this mans life who has been with a W for 14 yrs and just expect him to forget everything. H says they rarely spend time together. wonder how long an 18 yr old can take this for..... sorry so long...

Dear Destiny,

Good to hear from you. Much of what you posted happened to me. The anger, confusion and double talk from your H is not your H talking but the WS babble.

You are right to take the higher road. It is a rough road but in the end will get you recovered quicker. If your H also learns to take the higher road with you, your M can be recovered.

Right now you need to do what it takes to stay on that path. You love your H but probably not the Ws he has become. His problems that the A created are his, he needs to work through that.

You can reassure him that you love your H but not the WS' (actions and words). Let him know that when he can be a good H and father, there are 2 loving people waiting for now. How long is unsure.

That is what I did to my H and eventually he came home. Recovery was long and hard. Recovery had several false recoveries inside so we went back to page 1 each time. Yet today the OW and the WS' character are out of the pix. H now lives at home.

Hope this helps.
L.

destiny2974,

Happy Easter !. Hang in there, you know their fantasy A bubble will pop soon. You have to be ready to take him when that happen and I hope you still have love left for him.

With suicide thought, you have to learn very quick ... suicide happens b/c the individual can't cope with his/her situation and has no hope. Actually not talking about it it could be very lethal. By talking about it you have a chance to assess the situation. When he brought it up make sure you give him hope, a hope for living and keep talk him out from his negative thinking ... such as "It is not about the mistake but what are you going to do with it ?" or "What you think our S would go through again ?" . Does he has prior suicide behavior ?, including family or close freind that attempted/completing suicide. That is red flag number one. Find out if he has thinking about how to carry out his suicide. A definite plan would ring red flag number two. Find out if he has a mean to carry it out ... for instance if he lives/drive though near train track and talk about doing it ... you have red flag number three.

If he has all of those red flags, beside 911 I suggest you to have this number handy 1-800-Suicide. Actually you could use this line for yourself to get help in assessing his risk factor.

It is normal for someone that depress has this kind of thought ... I did !. But I have many reasons not to do it !. Give him reasons but don't step back from your boundry !. You have told him that you are moving what he does is his own responsibility. He could cut his ties w/ OW and work on M ... rather than taking different avenue.

-rh-