I know we have a similar situation being pregnant and all. What is helping you get through it? I am taking your advice and doing things for myself. The hard part is the uncertainty of my future life and family. Another twist is that the OW is not leaving the office for 21 long days. My husband states he wants to see if the feelings fade. I just can't believe he could love her in 6 weeks. He states he hadn't wanted to be with me in 6 months (a long time). We are both going to counseling and I hope the fog fades. What have you done to help the situation. I am getting to the point where I don't want to know about anything anymore. It controls your life. Thanks for any advice or input.

It is so hard when your life seems out of control. What's helped me is focusing on what I can control - myself. You can only control your own actions. You are not responsible for your WH's actions. I cannot make my WH do anything he is not ready to do, but I can influence him. I think some people have called this "letting go" Remembering this has helped me relax and focus on what I can do.

I'm learning more about love and how to selflessly love and give as a result of my FWH's A. Plan A teaches you the value of this as well. I found plan A comforting because I had a strategy.

I am concerned about your WH's response to the OW and that he "wants to see if the feelings fade". It sounds as if he's fence sitting. I think you should post veterans on this item for recommendations and see how it fits into your plan A.

Sure, he's probably told himself that "he hasn't wanted to be with you in 6 months" but he might just be rewriting history to justify his actions. My husband said he was avoiding me and didn't like being around me for x number of months. I asked him if that meant our baby wasn't conceived in love and he immediately retracted his statement.

I think it's great you're both going to counseling. We are going to counseling too but with our pastor. I want our family to be lead by our values rather than our feelings. Also, we are going to a Retrouville weekend next weekend. READ the posts on this site, search the archives, read the books recommended...

Don't worry about the uncertainty of your future and family right now. One day at a time. Personally, I can't envision anything much past my pregnancy. Except that I'm getting excited about my maternity leave, aka, summer vacation. I have plans for tanning my recovering body, letting baby sleep under an umbrella and mosquito netting while daughter splashes in a plastic pool and I drink lemonaid. Bliss....

I posted a help request for you. I hope you don't mind, but I thought it would be good to hear from the greater community on WH working with OW for next 21 days and Wh's desire to explore his feelings. I think your WH should work on exploring his values instead but I don't know the best approach.

Have you been doing a plan A?

not a veteran but i can offer you prayers and that many people are pulling for you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

While working with the OW for another three weeks is not great, it's not fatal either.

CV55 had a similar situation, her WH had an A with his office manager, and gave her notice and fired her with, I think, a months notice. It put her life on hold for those days, but it gave her a chance to read SAA and start Plan A with a vengence.

You can do searches for her posts and read her story and maybe glean some good from it. Her WH is REALLY DEEP in the fog, and here's hoping you won't have to experience that. Hope this helps...

SD

Hang in there! The 21 days will seem like an eternity, but you can recover your M. Stick to Plan A and keep insisting on NC. He will probably break it, but keep him on his toes.

At this time, just concentrate on yourself and don't LB. What have you done for yourself lately? Are you eating well? Are you exercising? You will need to be strong for Plan A.

Did you read "Surviving An Affair"? It really helps to understand what is going on. It gives you so much power to know that what he is doing/thinking/feeling is *typical* for WSs and they can come out of the fog.

Have you considered individual counseling? You will lots of support during this time.

Thank you for the response. I think he is in a way fence sitting. He has decided that he wants to try to work on our marriage and have no regrets and work on his priorities(the baby). The problem is that is what is in his head and not what is in his heart at this time. The A ended with great feelings for her and was only 6 weeks long because I found out. I don't think he ever had a chance to see what it would be like with her. Fantasyworld. I am going to IC and don't feel I have much control. If we separate until he knows if the feelings will fade he will just go back to her. If we don't separate I deal with the limbo state. The OW has not told her H and he works with them. I don't want my H to loose his job. I have been counseled not to tell OM and feel it is best for me right now. I don't want to deal with more problems right now. The only benefit would be to cause her family more pain which sounds nice but won't help me. Thanks so much for all input!!

durham

It is in your best interest to expose the affair. Affairs thrive in secrecy. Who better to tell than the OW's husband. He, like you, has a right to know. He also has a right to make decisions for him, based on knowing the truth about his wife. It will also lessen the chances of the A starting back up, so it will be for your own "protection".

SD

<small>[ April 09, 2004, 04:04 PM: Message edited by: shattered dreams ]</small>