My wife and I have had an incredibly open and honest relationship for our 9 year marriage.<BR>Recently, she went away for the weekend on a retreat to learn about a sexuality education curriculum that she will be teaching at our church. During the weekend, they discussed the idea of "skin hunger" which basically is the notion that most people feel the urge to be physically close to other people, in various degrees. Like wanting a hug, and anyone will do. Anyway, over the weekend, she became very close to a man from our church. This occurred because during the course of the training, every person became very open, honest, and vulnerable about themselves and their sexuality. This has always appealed to my wife. Basically, after a very sexually charged weekend, not because of the material,but because of the constant thinking about your own desires and wants, she ended up in his room to watch him masturbate. In and of itself, I could have dealt absolutely fine with this. She is interested and he didnt' care if he watched. Thing is, things progressed, (NOT SEX), but they were very close and intimate. <P>I trust her absolutely, and the mere fact that so much of what could have happened in that sort of situation didn't means that I should trust her. She explains it as two people who were exploring their own sexuality, were not desiring each other, but merely enjoying what each wanted to for themselves. <P>What did happen was both of them were naked, she kissed his nipple, and touched him rather close to a sexual organ.<P>For her (quote) it was not arousing, just a novel experience, enjoyable for anyone to rub her skin (he did) and be close to some one (very, except hips apart when facing each other). She was not interested/is not interested in him emotionally or physically at all, but was attracted to his openness. He even told her he was fantasizing about sex with her while masturbating. He thanked her for trusting him when she left.<P>I have not known what to think. She said that she thought it would be okay because I should trust her, and that I had given her the impression that being physically close to friends was ok. I have, too, just never to this degree. She has spooned with friends, and admitted slight arousal from a "flirting type" experience, but this has occurred with our gay friend only! They admitted way back then that it was individually exciting, and I never expressed any disapproval. So this weekend occurred on assumptions based on my past lack of complaint.<P>Mostly, I think I was hurt that I didn't know about it before hand and think that she should have made 100% sure of the way I felt about this. Also, I do not know this guy at all. I was terrified at what could have happened, by force or by compliance(seduction)? Supposedly, this guy never wanted to have sex, and they even did this after discussing that it was ok with me, she reassured him.<P>So despite I can't resent him, I do.<P>Despite loving and trusting her, I am terrified about her wants.<P>Was she unfaithful or just unthoughtful?<BR>Help? I read the resentment column and it has massively helped us. I just wanted to pour it all out and hear it from someone else. <P>------------------<BR>

I don't know if you really want my opinion, but here goes.<P>~She cheated~ Getting naked with someone who isn't you is cheating. Watching someone masterbate who isn't you is cheating. Spooning, flirting, and otherwise testing out sexuality is cheating. <P>I have some questions for you:<BR>What kind of church function was this?? Who's room did she end up in??<P>Don't want to say anything else until I get your answers...

cbitguru,<BR> I don't want to sound rude about your w, but what has taken place as you have described it is a one night stand, There was sexual contact here, not actual intercourse but contact, If I found out my H had done this then I definetly call it cheating. I hate to be crude, but there is a saying that some people use, "eating ain't cheating", well it is so! <BR> Or let us look at our President, did he cheat on Hillary with Monica ? YES HE DID, did he have actual intercourse with her , no he didn't. <BR> This does NOT sound like the type of teaching project I would like to have taught in my church. Why didn't you go with her to these classes ?<BR> Two people who are married, but not to each other have NO BUSINESS exploring their sexuality or anything else like that with each other. Nope, naah, no way buddy.<BR> Thats just mo, of course. Does this mean that it is ok with your w if you explore your sexuality with a woman from the church ? <BR> I have been to many church's in my life time, everything from Penecostal to Bapitst to Nazerene, and non denominational church's even went to a chuch in a big metal barn. I never saw one where this sort of thing would be called acceptable behaivor.<P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>

They were naked, she kissed his nipple, and touched him elsewhere, and she wasnt aroused?? But she was aroused to spoon with a friend? I sense danger here, I'm sorry!<BR>yes, I believe it was cheating, she was with another man, naked! doing things with him and to him! What stopped her from having sex with him? Did she say? I dont't get this at all, but it is dangerous for her to be doing this.<BR>I hope that things work out for you.<BR>Ian

OK here goes... So, How do you deal with a 1 night stand, exactly?! Obviously this is what happened here. There don't seem to be many posters here who have dealt with the betrayal of a 1 night stand. If anyone out there can enlighten me please feel free! I would like to know if the process for "Proccessing" this is the same as an ongoing affair. <BR>Any answers welcome...<BR>But for now I must sleep... will check tomorrow.<BR>Thanks,<BR>Me

Lets all try to be a little less personally inolved; less judgemental.<BR>Guru, Your wife seems to have assumed a bit too much, but you gave her too little to go on. Be grateful that you have as much forthcoming and honesty in your wife as you do. Never underestimate the power of withholding. You were not up to snuff in holding back your FEELINGS in the past. No matter how romantic it might seem, spouses cannot know by "being on the same wavelength" what goes on in the hearts and minds of our loved ones. You were not fair to her - or yourself - by keeping from her your feelings about her past "spooning". If it FELT like unfaithfulness to you, then for you - for all intents - it WAS. She has to be told this. Better late than too late. It's time to get down and talk. Keep your emotions under control while talking - anger is counter-productive in a heart-to-heart. Keep in mind what yor own responsibilities have been in this. Keep in mind that SHE came forward with it - albeit after-the-fact.<p>[This message has been edited by Dave P. (edited September 16, 1999).]

cbit, I hate to add any fuel here, but what she did was not only cheating but very immorral and I doubt very much that the Pastor, Minister or Priest would find it ok. She was very wrong, I sense something is wrong emotionally with her. I feel that she needs counseling. I for one feel there is nothing wrong with finding out who you are sexually, but you should only share that with your significant other. If she wanted to watch someone masterbate, she could have done it at home. Sorry, but this smells a little bad to me.........if this was in the church buletin would she still think it was ok? Is the other man married? If he is would this have been ok with his wife? Too strange for me!

cdit-Hate to say this but if this is a "religious" event isn't the bible there? In the bible, no matter what religion!, it says that if you think it, it's the same as doing, she cheated and don't think otherwise about it. Now, the next step is what are YOU going to do? It sounds as though, weather she thought so or not, she doesn't believe in this as an affair. She is not committed to the man. My advice would be to have both of you recommite to the marriage and attempt to work all this out, no matter what your beliefs are!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<BR>

I hope they aren't going to let her teach at the church anymore.

I have to agree with Dave. Do I think this was cheating? -- Yes!! definitely. But... if you have allowed the other things (spooning, etc) to go on without letting her know it bothered you, then you may have been sending mixed messages. Some people have very different ideas on what is acceptable behavior. There are married couples who have "open" marriages where both are allowed to have sex outside the marriage. If both parties agree and can live with that, I guess it's okay. I don't personnally agree, but I know there are people who do. It is time to sit down and talk to your W and let her know that this has crossed the line of what you will accept. <P>On a positive note.....be glad that she told you. If she is comfortable being honest and open about what she did, that is the first step in dealing with it. The honesty is something some of us are still trying to achieve with our spouses!

Hi Cbit<P>Well for my 2 cents worth. I may sound like a pesimistic person but I feel that your W is testing the affair waters. She may want to or has had an affair already and does not know how to handle the guilt or feelings. She is addicted to these sexual contacts from others because it is charging her dormant feelings inside. Address these sexual desires and tell her your honest feelings about how it makes you feel when she does these acts.<P>Take Care

cbitguru - That's one hell of a story!<P>I agree with betrayed that the positive note in all this is that your W did tell you about the experience, in graphic detail, apparently. But if she honestly didn't consider what she did to be cheating, then the two of you need to have a long, soul-searching discussion of exactly what your sexual commitment to each other is, possibly also with a couples counselor.<P>Also agree with Bozo's Deb in wondering why you didn't go with your W to this sexual workshop weekend. I think this may indicate a problem in the sex life the two of you have together as a married couple? It does sound like your W is looking for more than she's finding in her marriage. You probably should also have a lengthy discussion about each other's sexual needs and whether they're being fulfilled in your marriage.<P>I certainly don't blame you for being upset with your W's behavior, though. In your place, I know I would certainly be. What she and this other guy had may not have been a "sexual relationship" (in Clintonese) but I agree with what most people on this thread have said so far, that it is cheating, no two ways about it. And you should make clear to your W two things:<P>1) You do appreciate her honesty in telling you about this experience. "Serious" cheaters DON'T tell.<P>2) You consider this kind of behavior out-of-bounds. And while you can forgive her this time, it should never, ever happen again.<P>Hope this helps. Regards and blessings,<P>--Wex