I have been having an "affair" with a single man for about 7 months now. We were actually friends prior and it developed into more. I have been married for 4 1/2 years. I am 30, my husband is 42. I have been unhappy for quite sometime in my marriage and I have told my husband the issues I had. He seemed to just ignore them as he usually does and the biggest issue is he does not want to find a full-time job. I recently owned a cafe and was supporting the house for 3 yrs, now that I have sold this cafe, I suggested after a 2 month break for him to give up trying to build his home based travel business, he has been doing for 3 yrs, and try to get a full time job. He is not interested. I feel I have been the provider and supporter in this relationship. He is not a go-getter like me. I always aim higher. He does not. I finally found a job with a friend and we became very close. I realized he was everyhting I wanted in a friend and spouse, except I was having trouble with one issue, his disability (he has a prosthetic leg). He is 28 years old and makes me happy. He would do anything for me and he feels bad how our relationship got started and has put things on hold until I seperate or decide what I want to do. The problem is I am very confused. I love "Mark" but I cannot seem to let go of my husband "Bob". My therapist says I cannot let go because I am afraid of the uncertain and I am afraid to start another relationship, in fear of making the same mistakes. Do you think I should work at my present marriage or try for happiness with "Mark"?

Values .... pick the top 3 that are important to you:

Honesty

Loyalty

Fidelity

Courage

Kindness

Family

Integrity

Security

Money

Appearance

Fun

Sex

Social position

Education

Children

Freedom

Creativity

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ April 09, 2004, 03:50 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Originally posted by baby7482:
I have been having an "affair" with a single man for about 7 months now.

I find the way your wrote "affair" very telling.

You are not having an "affair". You are having an affair.

This makes you an adultress. A cheat. An infidel.

See, we sell ourselves a prettier picture of our wrong behaviors when we paint our sins with "nice" words. This makes it somehow less ugly.

You are not a bad person. But you are doing a very bad thing. Adultery is ugly.

Why is adultery ugly?

Adultery is ugly because it betrays your character and integrity.

It isn't a matter of which "guy" you should choose.

Which YOU are you chosing?

This IS a choice that defines your character.

Keep posting.

Welcome to Marriage Builders.

Pep

<small>[ April 09, 2004, 08:01 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Please try to work on your present relationship.

ouch ,, get out now and try 100% with your husband ,, i thought the same thing you did when my affair started i was the WS and believe me the road your taking isnt the right one ,, THE GRASS ISNT ANY GREEEEEENER ON THE OTHER SIDE and you could have found any man and he would have made you feel that way ,, you probibly even think your soul mates ,,but your not your making a big mistake if you want out of your marriage do it when someone else isnt involved so you know your doing it for yourself no one else ,, believe me if you keep the affair going it will only tear you down as a person and hurt alot of people in the process,,
sorry to be so harsh but damn i was on the same road as you and its a dark road leading you to the bottom of your life and soul ,, you wil tear yourself down to the core and then what ? will you be happy ???
think about it ,,
steve

I realize what I have done is wrong, but my H is not in love with me. I believe this and he shows this in actions. I don't think I would have fallen for any man, because I had other offers in the past and never took them. I am in love with the OM and he is in love with me. I know this by how he behaves and the way he treats me. I feel sorry for my H but he does not want to even talk. I told him we are not made for eachother and he does not make me happy. I know he is hurt, because he feels I have changed as a person, but changing does not have to be a bad thing. I was very young when I married and I think since he was my first everything, I am very attached to him, although I know I can be happier. I am so lost and confused.

Does Bob know you are having an affair?

No he does not. But he does not understand why I do not love him anymore. I think he feels alone.

He needs to know NOW. He has a right to know what is happening in his own life, baby. He might make the decision for you about whether or not to continue this marriage. He has a right to choose if he wants you or not and should know so that he can protect himself from you. Not telling him is cruel and manipulative.

I realize I should tell him, but I think he has someone also. So my thing is to end it and go on in our own directions. He is the manipulative one. He takes and takes and gives nothing in return. He had a good looking young woman in front of him who is smart and caring and instead he chose no intimacy and porno. So I am not manipulative. In fact I am a very patient wife.

baby, having an affair and lying to him is manipulative and cruel, no matter how you look at it. He might not want to stay married to your if he knew the truth so not telling him is just manipulating him into staying in the marriage. Tell him the truth, it is HIS life.


No wonder your marriage is such a mess.

I do not plan to stay with him. So why tell him.

If you are leaving, then why wouldn't you tell him? Surely you feel some obligation to tell him WHY. This is HIS LIFE, baby, he has a right to know what is going on in it. A plan to leave does not erase that moral obligation.

I don't understand what the problem is. Why wouldn't you tell him? As you said, you are leaving anyway so what difference would it make? If there is nothing wrong with your affair, why not tell him now?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by baby7482:
<strong> I do not plan to stay with him. So why tell him. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Because..... it would be the honest, brave and decent thing to do.

Because it would reflect better on your character.

Because it would strengthen your communication skills.

You are beginning a new relationship with the same flawed communication and relationship skills that ruined your marriage.

You lack the personal characteristics that will allow you to be part of a quality, long term relationship.

Aren't you worried?

Pep

<small>[ April 10, 2004, 01:23 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

I'm afraid to tell him. I know it is the right thing to do, but I don't know how to. I think he deserves to know, but where do I start?

You refuse to be at the mercy of your fears and accept that his right and need to know supercede your fears. You start by sitting down today and telling him the truth, one word at a time. And then you come back here and let us help you through the fallout.

When you tell him, you don't try to blame others, you take full responsiblity for your choices. And yes, they were your choices and yours alone.

That is what a brave, accountable woman does.

With all of the truth out on the table, your H and you can then make a decision about your marriage. But without the facts, your H can't make a decision about his life.

I will keep you posted. Thanks.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by baby7482:
<strong> I'm afraid to tell him. I know it is the right thing to do, but I don't know how to. I think he deserves to know, but where do I start? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Whooo-hooo!!!!

This is the first totally honest thing you've posted yet!

I am soooo happy for you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

This little post of yours is a door to a brighter future!

Explore this deeply.

"I'm afraid".... is usually said right before an attempt to escape something. Being afraid does NOT allow wrong-doing. It can be true.... you ARE afraid .... but the right thing must still be done. Or your life sinks into muck.

"But I don't know how" .... Is also an attempt to escape from responsibility.

Yes you do know how .... you sit down and begin talking and lay down the facts.

What you are REALLY saying here is "I don't know how without experiencing the consequences" .... well, ~duh~ .....

You don't want uncomfortable ~feelings~ to be exposed. A typical conflict avoider quagmire.

If you cannot do this simple act of being honest .... trust me .... all your future relationships will be infected with "I don't know how.".

The consequences are real life.

"Where do I start?" ..... sit down and say...

"I am about to lay some hard fact on you. We need to be real with each other.

Our marriage is sinking fast.

Here's what I have done ...." (tell the truth).

And sit through all the uncomfortable consequences .... like a grown woman.

Keep your chin up sweetie!

Pep

<small>[ April 10, 2004, 01:49 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

How are you doing today?

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

I am doing okay. I tried talking to my H, but he did not want to hear anything. I actually have a feeling he is gay. How would I find out?