Can you do post to ruffled over in plan A/plan B about why WS have to lie for it to be a safe haven. I read your post on it once and now we can find it. She is really looking for answers over there. Thanks.

NY

Bump for Ark
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I've known my FWH for eighteen years, but the lies and secrets he created during our marriage of seven years made me doubt my understanding of him.

We have been separated for 11 months, and have been trying to work things out. When I discovered that he has continued to lie to me during our separation, I was completely reeled over. It hurt me so much I had immediately stopped talking to him. He lied about OW, his $$$ and other things.

Would appreciate an insight to why H is lying and cannot stop. He is creating new lies, not covering old ones. His first defense is always deny deny deny. After a period of time (a few days/week/month depending on how big the lie is) he would rationalise why he lied. His thinking stops there. It doesn't occur to him that he hurts me with his lies... I don't think he has an understanding of that.

I want a relationship where my spouse can confide in me. I don't know how to do that when he has done hurtful things and then lie about them.

I know you did not pose this to me...but I felt like I could relate to your comments.

I went to an intensive 3-day marriage conference and we spoke about just this topic. And they said something that made sense, even though it did hurt.

And that is, THEY ARE GOING TO LIE! The whole nature of an A is that the WS will LIE, and this is paramount in protecting the relationship with the other person. There is a great deal of energy spent nurturing the fantasy of the A. And lies to the BS are part of what happens in order to do that.

I understand you struggling with this. I HATE LIARS!!!!!!!!!! Have enough balls to say what you mean, and own what you say. And while it is unacceptable, even before this happened in your M, wouldn't you have guessed that a WS would lie through their teeth to the BS????????

I can also relate to how much that hurts. Honesty is a big deal to me...and my H lied to me about some things over the years that were piddly and silly to lie about, and that really hurt. Let alone now. And we, too, are separated, and one of the things that put me in Plan B, was the discovery of a HUGE lie about his ongoing A, that did not need to happen, because at this point, he could pretty much confess anything about that relationship and it would not be worse than what I already know.

But, alas, our feelings are so not on the WS's priority list...or they would not be having an A right now!

Hang in there...