A little background information. My wife and I have been separated for 3 weeks now. She is staying with a male friend. I found out Tuesday that she had an affair with him. I've read Love Busters and His Needs Her Needs as well as several websites and they all say that in order to start working things out that the cheating spouse must sever all communication woth the lover. Now my wife tells me that this affair happened "before" and it's not currently going on. She is not willing to leave his house because she says she needs to think about whether or not she wants to work things out. But at the same time she tells me that she does want to work things out. The more I push that she needs to get out of there before we can recover from this the more it hurts her willingness to work it out. I told her that I would quit pushing as long as she could promise me that this affair wasn't going on anymore. Am I an idiot? I feel that I'm being manipulated.

Sorry about the double post.

Hi K, sorry you are here. But you are in the right place. First off, the affair is still going on. What she is saying is not true about it being over. I would explain to her that you do realize what is going on here so its not necessary for her to make up incredible stories.

Secondly, I would avoid all lovebusters and any behavior that will push her away. I would be as nice as possible, but be firm in other ways. For example, if you are supporting her, I would end all such support. Don't pay her insurance or otherwise do anything that will protect her from the consequences of her affair.

Affording her the benefits of the family will only prolong her adventure.

I would also suggest that you expose this affair whereever it makes sense, ie: to her family, friends and the OM's wife, if any. You might also consider exposing it at her workplace if that will make difference. I believe that all exposure should take place in ONE day because it is a lovebuster, and it is much easier to recover from one big lovebuster than 10 smaller ones.

Exposure always helps kill off the secretive, fantasy aspect of the affair and hastens its end.

I would stick with a solid Plan A for a few months to show her the best side of you. If that doesn't work to end the affair, then you would want to move to Plan B.

What do you think led to this affair? Is this part of her character or was there something lacking in the marriage that made her vulnerable to an affair? Has she done this before? Any children? How long married?

Thanks for the reply. I understand that the affair is still probably going on. The way I found out about it was by checking her email. The email that confirmed my suspicion was fron Tuesday.
I've been trying to avoid all Love Busters and in fact I think that is part of the reason it began in the first place. It's hard to tell though, I asked to her agree to Radical Honesty and she said that she would. I asked her to promise that the secret second life would end and she said that it would. Then I asked her when the affair happened and she blew up on me and told me that she didn't want to talk about it.
As far as what may have caused it, I emotionally abused her pretty much since we have been married (July 26th '03). Mostly selfish demands, disrespectful judgements, and angry outbursts. Ever since we have been married she has seemed to have a secret second life but I realize that my being emotianlly abusive probably pushed her away even more. Also, I'm in the Air Force so I tend to have to deploy every so often.
As far as support goes, she is a student and her car was a gift from her parents and they still pay the insurance. With the exception of the bills around the apartment I only pay her phone bill which is in my name.
I've already talked to all my friends and family and I have even spoken with her father about it. Which I felt really bad about doing. I see your point about needing to do that though.
I think that the hardest part about this is feeling that I am the only one really trying and the fact that I don't know what to believe from her. Luckily there are no children. We've only been married for 9 months.

She's probably very frightened and confused right now. You have to be her support, K. I know you are probably very angry right now, but she is hurting too. Try to be the wonderful man she married. You can do this via Plan A.

If she is insistent on staying away, offer to rent her a place where she can 'think things over'. That way, you'll be seen as helping her. Tell her she needs a NEUTRAL place to do her thinking. Do not LB otherwise she'd go to OM for comfort. Instead, feel for her, reach out to her and let her come to you.

I know that she is hurting right now and I'm trying not to let any LBs happen. I just pushed the issue of her getting out of there too hard.
I have tried suggesting thta she come home and I would move out. Her father even told me that he would pay for her to get an appartment at school. The only problem is is that she doesn't want to leave the OMs. No matter what I try to come up with, she has an excuse to not go that route.
I'm trying to be sweet and supportive it just seems to backfire a lot. She says that she just wants to have normal conversations but whenever we try to talk about anything other than what is going on there is mostly silence from her. Every thing I try to do to help she seems to turn that into me trying to push to get her to come home.

KC:

Dude...sorry you are here...but happy you are here in that this site will give you some valuable tools to enable your M to actually survive the A.

I totally understand your comments about driving her to this. I felt much the same way when I first found out... and had spent several years with my H making Disrespectful judgements, angry outbursts, etc. And while it is VERY important that you own what you did to create an environment for the A to happen in your marriage, understand that our spouses are adults, and made a CHOICE to handle this problem with an A. So be a better man for being able to look within yourself and honestly admit blame (something people have trouble doing in less stressful situations than your own).

So now is plan A time. Read up in the articles, discussions, search on this site. Plan A your butt off. I posted a link from a woman who was the rare exception of someone who was able to win her husband back with JUST Plan A, and without all the elements of Plan A (something veterans on this site discourage...never bastardize the plans, follow them true to course, etc). The story is linked here: Lost VA It is a good example of how a Plan A works on some Wayward spouses.

Another thing...your wife is truly conflicted. Wanting one thing one moment and another the next. Loving you than hating you. Remorseful and then arrogant. It is the "fog" that everyone refers to. And as crazy as this sounds, you have to try and not take what she says too much to heart. HopefulNY posted a post recently with BS's fog talk: Greatest fogese sayings It helped me to see that many of the most cutting, hurtful, painful, contradictory, screwed up things my WH said could have been the exact same words, verbatim, that another WS said to their BS. So he was no longer this evil lunatic, but someone effected at by a powerful addiction that seizes their emotions and common sense.

Exposure is key. Crumbles the fantasy aspect.

Come here often and read read read. We will help you through it.

K,

Let me add a few things in here, as well.

You say you "emotionally abused" her since you got M'd. Dude, I hate to tell you this, but that will be VERY HARD to overcome.

You have to start NOW to end that cycle of behavior. NO MORE angry outbursts. NO selfish demands (she sees you saying "come home" as a selfish demand), absolutely NO disrespectful judgments of OM, or any other aspect of her life now. Show her you can respect the decision she made (based on why she made it). Tell her this. That you UNDERSTAND that your disrespect and anger were hurtful to her. OWN YOUR PORTION OF THE BREAKDOWN OF YOUR M.

Demanding, MAKING her promise radical honesty, etc. are all going to make her see you as continuing to control and manipulate her. She doesn't see anything has changed if you continue doing/sayting these things. She might agree verbally with being honest, but it's obvious she is not planning to do it with her actions (ex: she said yes to honesty, then lied about still being involved in A w/om).

Right now, for the next fews weeks, here's what you can do that would help the most: Plan A. Be Get to work on YOU. Get control of your temper, your selfishness, whatever she sees as your controlling ways. STOP demanding anything from her. Live your life. Talk pleasantly to her whenever she contacts you, but in the meantime read and understand how destructive those LB's were to her mental/emotional well-being.

As you begin to fix you, and their A wanes on, HE will begin to LB and she will begin to reconsider if she really did a wise thing.

God Bless,

Thanks for the replies. It seems that I just need to Plan A the living hech out of this situation for the time being.

Thanks for the replies. It seems that I just need to Plan A the living heck out of this situation for the time being.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by K Chance:
<strong> Thanks for the replies. It seems that I just need to Plan A the living heck out of this situation for the time being. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Exactly. Just bide your time in Plan A and see what happens.

I am concerned that this happened so early in your marriage. That sometimes indicates a character issue rather than one that stemmed from unmet needs in a marriage. Does she believe that adultery is wrong?

Because if she doesn't you might be in for a life of hell, K. Would you choose to have children with a woman who did not see anything wrong with adultery? Can you imagine going through this hell with 3 little kids in tow? Just some food for thought, K.

<small>[ April 10, 2004, 10:06 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

I appreciate you viewpoint. As far as I know she thinks adultery is wrong. She criticizes her mother for having an affair right in front of her and her brother when they were children. But this wouldn't be the first time that she has said one thing and done another.
I can imagine being in this situation with children and I can see how that makes things even worse. Luckily all we have is 2 cats that she took and I still miss them.

K, does your mother know about this?

Yes and I also spoke with her father about it.

What does your mother think?

She is disappointed that it happened. She said it doesn't surprise her really though because when I was in the desert during Operation Iraqi Freedom my wife visited my mother and then got sick. The the OM drove from Atlanta Georgia to Central Florida to pick her up. I had a feeling then that this guy wanted more than a friendship. Funny thing is is that after I got back from the desert and after this guy preoclaimed his love to my wife I told her that I didn't think she should talk to him anymore. Turns out she has been lying and going behind my back hanging out with him for some time.

My nexy question is, How do I cope with what's going through my head while I pretty much just sit here and wait? Let me guess, this is were the support from people on the board comes in?

This support board is good, but be careful, sometimes other people's pains can remind you too much of your own and you'll not stop hurting. Read as much as you can from recommended books and work on healing yourself and becoming a better person. Take this time to grow. Build other areas of your life that is not affected by her. Strengthen other relationships that can give your marriage good support.

Can you take this time to quietly do something for her? I am going to suggest something that may sound soppy to you; but us women really appreciate when our Hs write a poem or put together something creative, like a big collage of your memories together or something that shows how much you love her and think of her... something she totally does not expect from you. Something that may take weeks to do, to prove your love and patience in waiting for her. That may bowl her over a bit. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hang in there, mate. I'll pray for you.

I see how you can say thta other people's pain would keep me from healing. I sat here for a while last night just reading posts so I can say that would be very possible. One thing that I have been doing is growing. I've been reading, started classes, and doing a lot of thinking and I can already see that I have grown up quite a bit.

That's a really good idea about making something for her. I will have to try and come up with something.

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers