We are both sitting here in the same room. Back to back on our respective puters. He's so intently focused on his buddies, he might as well be on another planet. I am so sick of monosylabic (sp) answers and being treated like nothing. I'm sure he's just waiting for the wonderful "soul mate" to chat. I want to throw something at the back of his head.

I think throwing something at the back of his head might be considered an LB.

How long has your H been off work?

Hi,
Well I didn't throw anything and we sort of talked a little. He's all depressed and hostile but won't tell me much. I really am trying to leave him be to sort this junk out.
He's been not working since January last year. He finished his degree in July last year and has been looking for a job in the computer field since then. I haven't been nagging about that either. Any suggestion I made was ignored. Unemployment ran out a couple weeks ago. $ wise we are doing ok because we knew he was getting laid off and saved up. I know some of this is due to his lack of feelings of self worth etc. but even when he was working, he would get into these funks. He tells me that he doesn't feel safe telling me stuff, really anybody (except her). He has long standing issues from childhood about emotional issues. I've been trying to plan A and did really well for a week but he did see me cry last night. I want him to see that I can change. But he's so wrapped up and wallowing in his stuff! I've told him that I am committed to make it work. And that I will be there for him if he needs me. Inside I'm just in knots, my back went out, probably from stress, this walking on eggshells is really hard.

He needs to go to work. This is a self-perpetuating cycle. He needs to be busy all day, and not have so much free time. I would tell him to get on anti-depressants and get a job.

I know he has too much free time on his hands. He seems to be looking for a job, he's told me about applications he's put in etc. He won't see anybody for depression. I can't MAKE him do anything, he has to do everything in his own way and on his own terms. He's not open to anything I suggest. Nothing can be resolved until he gets a job though. Gotta go, he's awake and I have an easter egg hunt for 500 kids to put on. Thanks for your interest and I will check back later.

Hi Ms Dian,

Have you read the Divorce Busting book?

Something you said reminded me of some advice from that book.

"I can't MAKE him do anything, he has to do everything in his own way and on his own terms. He's not open to anything I suggest.

There was a seesaw analogy in that book that might help. It was about balance and how sometimes a sort of (unworkable) balance is arrived at by drifting to opposite extremes instead of compromise. Basically, it was about needing to take the opposite POV when you're dealing with polarization, or a spouse who resists any suggestions. You're on opposite ends of a balanced seesaw. He's free to let you do all the worrying and talking about needing to solve the problem because he knows he can count on you to do that. The more you express that concern the less he has to even think about it let alone do somethign about it. So if you find your suggestions just make him more resistant to change, then start agreeing with him more (get on his end of the seesaw) and he will then be more willing to adjust his POV more to the center (or even to the oppostite POV that you were advocating). Or you can even just try getting off the seesaw - drop the subject altogether and just busy yourself with other stuff (like the Easter egg hunt - I'm impressed! 500 kids?)

"Nothing can be resolved until he gets a job though."

Also (I'm pretty sure in the same book) there was an example with a husband who was dragging his feet on getting back to work and just hanging around the house depressed. Instead of trying to give him job-finding encouragement, the wife switched to accepting he probably would never go back to work. He snapped right out of it and got a job. (In this example though, the husband was using back problems as an excuse to not get a job though. So the wife started agreeing with him that he was helpless and got some brochures for nursing homes to leave laying around the house! LOL) Seriously though, he would feel much better if he could find work - even if it wasn't in his field. My husband is a computer professional too. And all of his employment for the last decade and a half has been contract. So there have been times when he wasn't employed for half a year here and there. He would end up taking whatever work he could get in the meantime. It helped him to not get so depressed especially if he worked somewhere that was sort of like a hobby (repairing boats at a marina) or physical (outdoors building fences).

My experience with depression (my own, my husband's, and our daughters') is that it robs you of your desire to do the very things which could make you feel better. Does your husband have any athletic hobbies? Maybe if you try inviting him to take walks with you? A lot of people in my neighborhood go for a walk every evening after dinner. You could make plans to go canoeing or to play tennis with some friends. And so it doesn't seem like nagging (or trying to fix him) even if he declines the invitation you should go ahead without him.

Another thing I've found helpful is to make social plans that the depressed person will have to snap out of it at least a little or temporarily to participate. A cook-out at your home or inviting other families over to play board games works wonders.

Hi,
Thanks for the suggestions Meremortal.
I do some of that already. I haven't been even bringing up job hunting, except when he mentions it. I learned long ago to not bother giving him ideas. I will look at what you said about the seesaw analogy in regards to the bigger picture of the relationship and see if I can apply it.