My wife and I have been seperated for 2 years and our son is with me. He is 4 years old. She really has not been in his life much for almost 3 years, I have been the primary decision maker. During this time she has contributed all of 100.00 towards his daycare expenses. I make a little too much to qualify for any assistance programs.
She is not willing to help at all with his expenses, they are all on my shoulders. She is able to keep up with her bills and I have a juggling act every month that is adding a lot of stress to the home. I make more than her but I also have a car payment, insurance and all the normal bills.
She just has rent, cable, phone.

My question is this.

We are getting along fine but as soon as any money discussion comes up she gets angry and it pushes her further away. She has no clue how hard it is to raise a child and keep up with everything.

Should I say to heck with it and go for child support and risk loosing our marriage alltogether? I ask this because as soon as she see's any financial difficulty or struggle on my part she finds more and more reasons to validate being seperated.

I certainly don't want our marriage to completely collapse because of money issues, but our son needs to be taken care of also.

Hunter, i don't see what you have to lose. If your marriage collapses over this, then it already was, I assure you. If she wants the marriage, then having to pay child support will not stop her. I think that is terrible that she is not willing to contribute. I would go for child support, she needs to be accountable.

As a parent, she has a responsibility to provide all different kinds of care for her child. Financial support is one of those.

Keeping in mind that I know very little about the dynamics of your relationship, my advice would be to pursue the support.

dewt (who is also separated and has young son in his care and who also has not asked for financial help from Mom but who would if the situation called for it)

You didn't say why you were seperated, and whether or not either of you had, or are having an affair, but I would guess she either did, or is involved outside the marriage.

And I'm not sure how much that matters, except, if that's true, child support would be one more dose of reality she should face, as a result of her errant decisions. And that's a reality she should face!

You don't need the additional stress of trying to be a "single dad" without the proper financial resources.

Go for it!

SD

I agree with the others, in that it is a parental responsibility to pay money towards the children's upbringing and basic survival.

Your child shouldn't suffer b/c the mother is being selfish. If she can't afford to pay child support, that's HER problem. The courts see it differently.

A good dose of reality is what every parent needs, and the financial responsibilities to the non-custodial parent are imperitive.

The courts work SLOW... so getting this stuff in order now is a good idea. Even when collection programs are in place, they take time to be implemented in each case (for example, I am in Ontario, and my stbxH now owes over $4200 in child support... payments which were to have started in June 2003... but he's still sliding by, without any real repercussions).

Do what is right for your child. He can't do it for himself yet.

Karen

I agree with the others as well. My WH has always been willing to pay child support while we are separated, because his own father didn't when he was growing up and he knows that although his dad was angry with his mom, the lack of support ultimately hurts the kids. (Though he has been spending a lot lately and I had to wait on last week's support.)

If it came down to it, and my WH quit paying, I would have no other choice but to go through the courts to get the support. I don't understand why having your financial difficulty gives your wife reason to remain separated.

LL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by shattered dreams:
<strong> You didn't say why you were seperated, and whether or not either of you had, or are having an affair, but I would guess she either did, or is involved outside the marriage.

And I'm not sure how much that matters, except, if that's true, child support would be one more dose of reality she should face, as a result of her errant decisions. And that's a reality she should face!

You don't need the additional stress of trying to be a "single dad" without the proper financial resources.

Go for it!

SD </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am seriously considering go after child support. I have sacrificed alot and have lost a lot during this seperation. I still manage to keep my son and try to keep it easy for him. She on the other hand is of the opinion that who ever has him is responsible for him, example: "why should I pay if I can't have my son".

I told her the other day that the daycare assistance I have been getting is being eliminated and instead of $75 a week I will be paying $125 a week. Her response was "I wish I could help you but I have bills to pay also and you know how tight my income is" but she can still manage to spend $50-$75 a week at the bar with no problem. (i have access to her bank records).

On the 1 night a week she does have him 9 times out of 10 when I call har and tell her i'm on my way she asks me to pick up food for him so he can have dinner. I have no problem feeding my child but if she knows she is going to have him then..........

She normally takes him on Monday nights and I pick him up in the am. This monday he had swimming lessons and he could not go to her place and she had cramps, she was going to watch him tuesday but she called and said she wasnt feeling well, she said I'll take him thursday.
That leaves Wednesday. Well heaven forbid she takes him on "ladies night" at the bar!!

I am real tired of this whole "has her cake and eat it too" thing she has going on.

Feelin' for ya, dude.

dewt

With all that you've said on this thread... what is keeping you from filing with the courts for child support? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Karen

The other day I told her that our sons daycare funding will end and will cost me 33% more than now (or roughly $140.00 a month increase).
Her response was "i wish I could help ya but I have bills to pay, besides, you have him, I don't so you need to take care of him"

Now, she wants to go back to school and get a degree so she can take care of herself. Which is fine but our son still needs to be raised and have some quality of home life.

Maybe I should slam the door and say to her "you want to stay seperated, thats fine, but you need to step up to the plate and contribute to your son".

I'm sure that if she had custody of him that she would be coming after me for all sorts of support financially and wouldn't think twice about it, maybe I should do the same thing.

It's sad that she wants to turn this into something it doesnt need to be turned into but then again she is the one who ultimately decided to walk out on the marriage.

Maybe I should say to her that I am going for child support and she'll be stuck with it for the next 14-16 years if she decides not to come back not the family that she claims she wants and use her words against her.

Her most famous phrase is "sorry, but thats just the way it is" and if she asks why I am going after her for child support I will use the same phrase.

<small>[ April 20, 2004, 05:34 AM: Message edited by: HunterFox ]</small>

Creating life begets an awesome responsibility. Part of that responsibility includes caring, loving and teaching your child. Part of that responsibility includes feeding, clothing and housing that child. This is not optional.

She on the other hand is of the opinion that who ever has him is responsible for him,

Fair enough. Part of that responsibility includes ensuring that the proper resources are available for his care. That includes arranging for child support when neccesary. Still, just because you are primarily responsible for his daily care does NOT absolve her of responsibility.

"why should I pay if I can't have my son".

Answer: Because he still needs to be fed, clothed and have a place to live. He is not a prize. This is one of the most selfish things I've ever heard. And she does have him. She is still Mom. It's called visitation.


"I wish I could help you but I have bills to pay also and you know how tight my income is"

Well, um, get a better job. Get a second job. Make a budget. Stop going to the bar. If he was living with her, would she let him starve so she could pay the cable bill? Here in Canada, support is based on an income chart. The not custodial parent pays based on his/her income.

Maybe I should slam the door and say to her "you want to stay seperated, thats fine, but you need to step up to the plate and contribute to your son".

This is not about 'slamming the door'. Use this as a threat, or attempt to coerce her to return to the marriage and you will be making things worse. She needs to contribute either way.

I'm sure that if she had custody of him that she would be coming after me for all sorts of support financially and wouldn't think twice about it, maybe I should do the same thing.

Maybe you should, but evaluate your reasons. This is about your sons best interests. Not retaliation.

Maybe I should say to her that I am going for child support and she'll be stuck with it for the next 14-16 years if she decides not to come back not the family that she claims she wants and use her words against her.

Know what a lovebuster is? Do you want to fill her with resentment and anger against you? Going for child support should not be a tactic.

Her most famous phrase is "sorry, but thats just the way it is" and if she asks why I am going after her for child support I will use the same phrase.

I hope you are just venting here. You said you want to save your marriage, but the things you are saying here will work directly against that. I agree that she should be helping to financially support your son and you may have to make a move. But make sure you do it with love and not out of vengeance or to try and force her into coming back. He is your son, and you have a duty to him. The tone in some of these posts smacks of using him as a tool. That's just wrong.

dewt

Has anyone filed for support only to find that it was the final straw that dissolved the marriage?

I think that when one does decide to go for child support that it's kind of saying to the other party that it is truely over and it is one step closer to divorce.

The other day we were talking about our situation and she said to me "just because you have our son for now, keep one thing in mind. Nothing has been settled yet you SOB".

Do you have anything in place legally in regards to you being the custodial parent?

dewt

No, legally I don't have anything in place. I have been told that by her deciding to walk out of the marital home, away from her husband and son that basically she has given up custody just by the act itself. I know that IF we went to court and started the div proceedings that it would turn into a real nasty battle. She knows she has little or no chance of custody (which I really don't think she truely wants anyway) because of her actions. I think she is in deep denial knowing this is reality.

Frankly, I see no reason to get a divorce but can find all the reasons to make us work again.

However, this can only go on for so long until something has to be done.

I agree. I am facing the same issues. If there is no reconciliation, I will indeed be asking for child support.

My only advice on this is that even if you do have to go to court for support, do it with love, not out of spite. Do it because you must, because you have a responsibility to your son. It will not be a wake up call for her, it will most likely cause anger and resentment. Try to minimize this because a) you still have to deal with this woman for many years to come, and b) you don't want to set up blocks against any future chance of reconciliation.

The trick is to win them back. Pressuring the WS into returning is no solution, but boy, do I know what you mean.

I dunno if they have this service in your area, but see if you can get a mediator involved rather than a lawyer. A mediator can help you put together a legal document, but without the all-out fight in court which can be extremely expensive and have long-term negative consequences.

dewt

Dewt, I throughly understand where you are coming from.

I would not go for support out of spite but rather to make sure my son has what he needs when he needs it.

It is an enormous financial responsibility when you have children and I have sacrificed alot, a heck of a lot more than I should have, we were even homeless for about 2 weeks (something she does not know), but I managed a nice rebound from that kept him in daycare the entire time.

However, she is going to look at this as purely as lack of financial responsibility on my part and feel her money being threatened.

Sure I make good money, more than her, but I have much bigger bills also.
Daycare alone runs me 500-550 per month because I dont qualify for any assistance. Everything for our son runs me about 700 a month (daycare incl), not to mention the fact that I carry full medical coverage on all 3 of us for about 200 a month. I carry it for her just incase something happens to her.

I talked to her recently about apartments and she got real upset when I said "how would you handle it if all the brunt of child raising were on your shoulders?" She said, well, I'd have to get a 2BDR apt and YOU would have to pay the 300-400 a month difference cause I cant afford it.

Well, I need to approach this with her in a mature and rational adult manner.
She is of the opinion that who ever has him should bear all the responsibilites for him.

I figure that since she decided to leave the marital home (granted there were some issues but none of violence or phyical harm) and leave our son behind because she felt he would be better off with me cause I had more resources to take care of him (all I had was plain common sense, and a car), that was 2 years ago.

The fact of the matter is that she should contribute somehow to his future if she chooses to stay out of the home. If she won't contribute emotionally and nuturingly then she should at least contribute financially, I think this is at least fair.

I grew up without any support from my dad at all and I see how it affected my growing years and I was denied alot, I don't want my son to have to go thru the same thing because of an underwilling parent.

I really hate to turn this into a money issue but I think I have been more than fair carrying the full responsibility for over 2 years now.

Opinions?

hunter,,

gonna be painfully honest with you....

I ask this because as soon as she see's any financial difficulty or struggle on my part she finds more and more reasons to validate being seperated.

Your wife only knows how to validate being seperated from you...by blaming you for everything...

she takes not one iota of responsibility for the marraige, sepreration, her inability to drive, and now her newest tune...lack of schooling... etc....

all she knows is how to apply victim status to herself and blame blame blame....

you need to stop the powerstruggling with her insanity.

you need to stop all relationship talk with her.

her inaction and neglect of her child is her answer.....and you need to take her actions at face value...

wish I could help you but I have bills to pay also and you know how tight my income is" but she can still manage to spend $50-$75 a week at the bar with no problem. (i have access to her bank records).

You need to get yourself to Ala-non because your son is in for a lot of dissapointments from his mother as long as she continues down this path...

you need to learn the tools and skills you will need to raise your son healthily in the midst of her chaos that she is going to bring him...

I am so dead serious about this....

here are the answers to any questions you have of her...

During this time she has contributed all of 100.00 towards his daycare expenses.

why should I pay if I can't have my son".


On the 1 night a week she does have him 9 times out of 10 when I call har and tell her i'm on my way she asks me to pick up food for him so he can have dinner.

She is of the opinion that who ever has him should bear all the responsibilites for him.

If she won't contribute emotionally and nuturingly then she should at least contribute financially, I think this is at least fair.

well hunter...here is my thoughts on this line...

I think that when one does decide to go for child support that it's kind of saying to the other party that it is truely over and it is one step closer to divorce.

well that's just twisted thinking on your part..
cause I believe that when a parent CHOOSES a bar twice a week over their child and drinks till they have to stagger home....and neglect their children...

THAT'S kind of ACTING towards the other party that they have no interest in being a parent let alone married...

your wife is in an immature sick place...and you can't change her or save her...
but you sure as hell don't have to enable any of her behaviors any more.....

quit the talk....it's useless...

time for you to enact severe and strict boundaries...
time for you to become the protector of your child...
time for you to back way off and let her flounder on her own...and decide to change.....

keep up this pattern...without you getting the proper coping mechanisms and your child is in for a lifetime of disappointment from her...but she will be sure to blame you for it....

ark

Ark is right on the money here. (no pun intended)

She is of the opinion that who ever has him should bear all the responsibilites for him.

Well, that is her opinion. It is one of the most selfish, unrealistic opinions I've ever heard in my life. We are talking about the care of a child here, for crying out loud. You and she brought a life into this world, and that is a responsibility that cannot be shunted off with an opinion. If you weren't around, would she have just left him there in the crib and walked away, figuring, as soon as she walked out the door that he 'wasn't her problem anymore'? That's insane.

People should be nice to one another. People should tell the truth, and people should be faithful to their spouses. This matter goes a long ways beyond should.

Don't turn this into a money issue. Her willingness to recommit to the marriage has nothing to do with her OBLIGATIONS as a parent.

This is a marriage building site. As such, I will never (except in the case of abuse) advise someone to give up or move on. However, child support is a different issue altogether. Short term, I can understand. 2 years, with no end in sight... enough.

She is not the only one with a responsibility to this child.

You have one too. (I know you know that... don't misconstrue my point)

dewt

<small>[ May 01, 2004, 09:07 PM: Message edited by: dewt ]</small>

Points taken well, Thanks Dewt and Ark.

What absolutely tears me up is that our son was planned. We both agreed to have kids and we both wanted 2 or 3 total. We had planned and did everything we could at least a year before she got pregnant. We did classes, seminars the whole 9 yards. He is a great kid, a smart kid and a wonderful little boy. He is so full of life and you'll hardly ever see him not smiling.

It is incredibly hard because he genuinely wants his mommy and he asks for her, he asks me "are we going to mommys house" everyday when I pick him up from daycare, or "are we going to see mommy today?" on weekends?

He was visiting my mom for a few days and she told me he continually was asking for his mommy. She took me aside and told me "this boy needs his mother" I told her "i know that but you know that decision is hers and that I would never keep him from her but she is keeping herself from him".

What really gets me is that he has missed so much motherly nuturing from her and that she has missed out on so much of his life these past 2 years, she'll never get that back and he has been denied some of the basic fundamentals of nuturing by his mom.

She talks about her family life with her brothers and sisters and how much she enjoyed those years herself and she smiles when she talks about it. I think to myself "it was good enough for you but your going to deny your son that enjoyment he needs".

My mom told me "maybe you should drop him off with her and see how she handles it, make her take the responsibility of raising him, force her to grow the F*&^ up".

Sometimes I get so overwhelmed doing this all alone that I talk to my W about it and she tells me how much better a parent I am than her and that she has no problem with me raising him. She has no clue how hard it is to raise a child by yourself. I have been raising him since before he was able to feed himself and starting to wean off formula, now he is 4 1/2.

Sometimes I get so pissed at her I feel like telling her "look Sheil, you ARE going to come back home and we ARE going to raise this child together whether you like it or not!!!!!"

Ultimately it would be the best thing for him in the whole scheme of things and it would be in everybodys best interest.

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