My WH wants me to leave our home & move 3000 miles to live for a short period of time w/ my parents, get a job & help decrease our bills. All this while a single friend (Male) moves into our place w/ him to help pay the rent so we can financially get back on our feet. He has agreed to NC w/ OW (former friend) and show me all cell phone bills. WH said last night he wants us to work out - never really loved OW, actually realized that she was only half the woman I was.
My question is - is this more BS and just a way to get rid of me? Would it be a plan B? Am I buying into a stupid plan? Shouldn't WH want to keep us close even if we are swimming hopelessly in debt?

<strong>BB2: My WH wants me to leave our home & move 3000 miles to live for a short period of time w/ my parents, get a job & help decrease our bills. </strong>

Orchid: Doesn't sound right. Moving incurs expenses. Why can't you get a job where you are at for the same reason?

<strong>BB2: All this while a single friend (Male) moves into our place w/ him to help pay the rent so we can financially get back on our feet. He has agreed to NC w/ OW (former friend) and show me all cell phone bills. </strong>

Orchid: Sounds like he had a plan and if you mess it up with reason (like staying in your home) you are messing with his A. Do you feel safe with this plan? If you don't you should let him know. Cell bills are only one item. What else is he doing to restore your trust?

<strong>BB2: WH said last night he wants us to work out - never really loved OW, actually realized that she was only half the woman I was. </strong>

Orchid: Good words. Now ask for actions to match. Remember he needs to prove to you not visa versa. You need to know his needs and meet the right ones but you also need to know when he is handing you empty data. You already knew she isn't a lady. Female only by her birth gender. The OWs action's don't qualify her to rank in your status.


<strong>BB2: My question is - is this more BS and just a way to get rid of me? Would it be a plan B? Am I buying into a stupid plan? Shouldn't WH want to keep us close even if we are swimming hopelessly in debt? </strong>

Orchid: Some of it is. You need to get to the real reason. If you have doubts on his plan, let him know. Try not to LB but ask questions. The will be hard to do without blowing up. He may get angry no matter how nicely you put it.
When he does, keep calm and let his anger be seen by him. Don't step in. Let him spew until he stops. Then step in and say your piece.

L.

He called from work a few minutes ago (He has been checking in several times a day now - use to call in sick to be w/OW) - I told him I was going over all the things w/ discussed last night. Told him I felt I was the one making all the consessions, felt like I had to leave or he would DV me - He said No, it was only a suggestion.

We have been living from check to check & going into overdraft - he felt if we were working - my mother helping w/ daycare. rent split in half we could get ahead while he waited to transfer w/ his job. He's federal & the gov't is hurry up & wait for a job. His attitude & manners seem to suggest he may be out of the "fog" and last night it seemed like the first conversation were he told me the truth. He admitted to contacting OW in March - but that was the last time - He said it was just to say Hi - doesn't want anything with her. I half believe that - told him every contact was a betrayal. I calmly asked - did not demand - no LBing to please try & stop C - her agreed. Knew it was not fair to me. I think some progress is occurring. But I have doubts about leaving my stuff & running to Mommy.
I don't know what to do - I love him & he seems to be getting better. He has been great the last weeks - just 1 LB session on both parts. I am just so confused.

The A leaves many in greater debt of many types. Let him know that keeping your family together is even a greater priority than reducing the debt but that debt ranks up there also.

What are the chances of you finding work in where you are at and good daycare?

If your H is coming out of the fog that is good. Need to let you know that some slip back. So be prepared. If that happens you will feel hurt but your personal recovery will be stronger.

Also let him know of your fears in regards to separation. He managed to have the A right under your nose. 3k miles apart makes it waaay to tempting. He should know that better than anyone. If not with this OW then maybe another one. Keeping the doubt of his trust in his mind may help him to see the need to rebuild it sooner and stronger. However you don't want to nag him on this matter. Say your peace and move forward.

Reassure him of your love and support, providing he is doing the same. Don't do his recovery work for him.

L.

Told him WH & D were the most important thing to me & Money was the most important thing to him. Agin he repeated it was only a suggestion - he thought it would help our situation.
We only have 1 car & WH works long days - I have been submitting my resume everywhere & for anything - problem is our location - pay would be lower than daycare costs. Defeats the purpose.
OW has a new boyfriend (supposedly) but she only used my WH. Toyed w/ him told him repeatedly he was a lousy H & lousy friend. She had actually hit on my Brother when he was visiting only the month before she spread her legs for my WH. My B told me she had bad mouthed me saying I was spoiled & didn't know what I had- he told me she was going to jump on the 1st man to pass her way -Of course, it would be my Stupid WH!!
I told my mother she is flipping out - thinks he is just going to play around - so that wouldn't be a great environment to be in either - I would constantly be in anxiety mode.
How do you know if they slipped - if the lying for a year has gotten so easy for them??

You don't know. That is why he needs to restore your trust in him.

Can you setup a baby sitting service in your area? That would allow you time at home and bring in some income.

L.

I really don't know anyone around here - We are from the east coast (as was OW - longtime friends who happened to move to San Diego at different times)and people are so transient here - mostly Navy people in my complex that have onbase daycare - very inexpensive. I thought about doing home computer work - but everywhere I turn they want upfront money which sounded fishy. Maybe I just don't trust anyone anymore?!

BB2,

Well let's see what other opportunities there are to explore. R U on base or in a city? There are several MBers in the So Cal area.

Let's see if we can hook you up with some to get some closer support. ok?

L.

Orchid-
I need to give you a big hug - I was lurking for a year when I finally started posting - this week is anniversary week of hell - 1 yr ago tomorrow is initial cheat day - DD was 9 days later. This has been hell - whole family is always yelling to get out - too long, etc, etc. - but they have never been in this situation - how the hell do they know what I should do?! You have heard my pleas & assisted in calming me down w/ such insight - I wish I started earlier. Thank yo so very much!!!!!!!
Now, w/ regards to your question - my WH is with Fed not navy - so we are not on any base - my complex is just loaded w/ military - San Diego is a big military town.

Thank you again from the bottom of my heart - I really appreciate you & MB. Thank God for all the help!!!!!

BB2,

Well no guarantees made but we will certainly give it a good 'ol MB try, ok? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Let's leave it out there asking for military help. Who knows what info will be provided. Maybe there are some civil service jobs you can do on the nearby bases?

SD is a big town. I have a few friends living near there. Work s/b available.

I live in the Bay Area so we just a bit north of you all. Weekends are slow so it may take a while to hail all the folks down your way.

Please be patient and take care. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hugz,
L.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by betrayed by 2:
<strong> I really don't know anyone around here - We are from the east coast (as was OW - longtime friends who happened to move to San Diego at different times)and people are so transient here - mostly Navy people in my complex that have onbase daycare - very inexpensive. I thought about doing home computer work - but everywhere I turn they want upfront money which sounded fishy. Maybe I just don't trust anyone anymore?! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think you are smart not to trust. Seems if they wanted you to work they would provide the software, etc.

Or at the very least take a small part of your compensation to repay for the computer hardware or software you might need.

However, I can't see money up front. That's my $0.02

Tony

Be

I think that seperation, in the best of circumstances, puts a huge strain on relationships. You guys are on shakey ground a seperation isn't worth the $ you may be able to earn in another location. If you need help with your finances I am sure you should be able to find advice where you live for free.

I see in a later post you asked about lieing. My w had to catch me in the act and when put face to face with the evidence it was still hard to get to the truth. I think that WS's become oblivious to their lies. What I mean is that feel that they are protecting their S and protecting their OP and especially the new found relationship.
H

I live in Oceanside, just north of San Diego. I work for civil service at the Navy Hospital at Camp Pendleton. I can help you put in a resume through the Navy jobsite.

Also if your husband is a federal worker, you should be eligible for onbase childcare. Both of my kids were in it and it is great. However you will be at the bottom of the list, so try to sign up soon.

My last suggestion is to file for bankruptcy. That is what I did. My WH stopped giving me any money at all and I could not make bill payments. It is not pleasant, but I feel very relieved.

BB2,

I was clued to this thread by Orchard. I wrote a nice long reply, only to find out I was not logged on that thread!

To avoid repeating myself, even though I don't live in CA any more, I lived there for 24 years, and spend 12 years on active Army duty there. We still have contacts in the area. How can we be of help?

PS.

I just read Believer's reply to you. I think she can help you the most. I have a daughter who lives with her family in rancho Barnardo, and a som in Palm Springs.

Also, one of our firends at church is a retired Marine who's wife is from Believer's area, and who's son is going in the Marines after high school graduation. Maybe they have some contacts in the area too.

PS.

I just read Believer's reply to you. I think she can help you the most. I have a daughter who lives with her family in Rancho Bernardo, and a son in Palm Springs.

Also, one of our firends at church is a retired Marine who's wife is from Believer's area, and who's son is going in the Marines after high school graduation. Maybe they have some contacts in the area too.

Thank you everone for your support & guidance - I know everyone here is in pain - I appreciate all of you & your assistance.

My WH just called, still working 13 hours straight on Easter, very hard. The Easter Bunny just delivered my 3yr D's basket - waited long enough for Daddy. But he said he was thinking today w/ a clearer head about conversation last night and has a few suggestions - none w/ me leaving home. Wants to talk when he gets home w/in hour. Hopefully, this is a true recovery period we are entering into.

I appreciate all the help re: working near home - I am definitely interested - I have worked for close to 10 yrs as an Office Administrator & no one seems to be interested as of yet.

One more question before I log off for night - does the anxiety stop for anyone while WH is out working or out of home??? He should have been off around 4:30 & he didn't call till 7:30 - but he is very good about calling from the station so I know he's still there. But those 3hrs are hell. At the end of his call he said "I love you we'll have a good two days off" I sure hope so!!

Greatly appreciate the guidance & help!
Take Care,
BB2

My WH had 2 days off & they went pretty well - both days we did family things.

We had a very long discussion yesterday. I told him that I loved him dearly & wanted our M to work out. He stated he saw his future w/ me & our DD. I told him I was tired of having 3 in our M and that 1 yr of being hurt was enough. We talked about rebuilding trust & he got a bit angry - but I mentally counted to 100 and calmly got up & went into the shower. (I was not going to be goated into any sort of angry outburst)

While in the shower I was about to peak my head out & say "let's just get a Dv and put me out of my misery!!" But WH came into bathroom & said how could he earn my trust - what a turnaround. We discussed small things, little gestures - typical trust building steps. He left went to the gym. Had a quiet dinner when he returned. Continued discussing me going to stay w/ parents on east coast for a few months to save cash. Told him my reservations calmly and he listened.

Later that evening, after putting daughter to bed, he looked like a deer caught in someone's headlights - it looked like he was on his cell phone. I asked who was he talking to - "No One" standard reply. He went to bed & I lay next to him doing my usual sleepless dwelling. This morning when he was in the shower, I checked his cell - looked like he only checked his voicemail - but #s are easy to delete!!

Sat him down told him that for the past year I have been extremely lonely w/ him right beside me, it really would not be that lonely for me to be on my own w/ DD. I could make a wonderful life for DD being a single mom. I went on further explaining to him that I loved my H more than any other man in the world - but I disliked the Cheater that had taken over my H's body. Told him if H was to come back I would take him w/ arms wide open - but if the Cheater stayed in his place it was the highway. Again I told him I wanted our M to work & I wanted to trust him again but it was up to him. I then told him I snooped on his phone - was not angry - said his phone had a message light - my call from earlier in day - didn't delete. Hmmmmmm - when do you believe?

I acutally felt a bit empowered after our conversation. He didn't say much - took in all in (never was one to talk alot - I'm the chatty cathy) then told me he loved me, would talk to me later and kissed me good bye. He went to the door & I got out of bed (5am) and he appeared to be happy that I walked to the door to say good bye. Kissed me goodbye again & smiled.

Now I just have to keep up the strong exterior & maybe even I'll believe it. I read WhiteKnight's post & almost lost it. That sure is pretty hard to work w/ if my former friend/OW is still that much in my WH's head. I guess I'll keep posting & reading and really work hard on Plan A & if the WH is still Lying (But for some unknown reason - I think Saturday night he acutually started telling the truth)the it will be time for Plan B!!!!!!