My children stayed at their dads (WH) and I thought I was okay with it all until today when they started saying about how wonderful the OW was etc it OW this and OW that. I just lost it and was trying to straighen my D's hair as the OW had doen but I couldn't do it. So I shouted at D and said some horrible things, so much so I can't even tell you as I feel so ashamed. I got my mum round to help the situation and she calmed us both sat us down and really helped I explained why I feeling how I was and that I was sorry for saying such horrible things and that she should feel okay to go to her dads etc etc and she understood. I myself am a child from Divorce so understand how she is feeling but now I understand how my mum felt and still does. I am still feeling really bad and very tearful and worried how I am going to cope with future visits. The children should be able to tell me about their experiences without me getting upset shouldn't they. How do I detach myself?

Just stick with us. Right now the children think she is wonderful. She is going out of her way to woo them over to her. Give it some time, and the fireworks will start.

I know, I raised 4 step-children. There will be lots of problems. In the meantime, I know you are a good mother, so let your kids continue to see their dad. I realize how infuriating it can be, but it is best for your children.

When it gets too much for you, come here and scream at us. We understand.

feelingit, are you in a legal separation where you cannot control visitations? Because often, judges can order that the children NOT be exposed to the OP. It is really not good for the children to be exposed to a sleazy, sordid affair unless forced by law. And certainly the OW would not be a good role model for your children.

Can you talk to the judge about such an order? This is not good for your children, nor is it good for you.

The odds of this relationship "sticking" are slim to none so it makes no sense to expose your kids to revolving door girlfriends of dubious character. You obviously can't trust his judgement about who he exposes these kids to.

It also sends the message to your kids that adultery is acceptable. Really, you should be protecting them from situations like this since your H refuses to protect his family in pursuit of his lust.

Thank you believer. Luckily I have a really good relationship with my children and we can talk about things. Peace has come back to the household and we are back to normal. I shall never stop the children from seeing their dad I could not do that.

Melody

Here in the UK there is no such order unless violence has been used. I wish there were. I was appearing to the children to be the bad one and being awkward in not letting them go to their dads. I had to back down for the childrens sake.

All I can do and continue to do is say to my children that what their dad has done and continues to do is not right. I have explained the best I can what love is and how it come by etc etc. They appear to understand what I am saying and I know this because when they have spoken to other people about the situation they are saying the right things, and they are not using my words. All I can do is conitnue to do my best is teaching them right from wrong and sometimes you do the best learning from being exposed to the wrong.

Feelinit-
Don't worry- everyone goes to pieces once in a while- my D is 17- she has seen so much between my marriage to her dad and my current h- she realizes that life is what you make it and also gives me advice, believe it or not from just observing- just reinforce wit hyour kids that you love them- explain how you feel, without the outbursts- but maintain a positive approach regarding you h- because you don't want to put your kids through the mill- and he will look better if you say the worst about him- I know it is hard- but everyone has their own way of dealing- it takes time.
Good luck!

feelingit,

One rule that you could do in your household, never mention of OW unless there is a abused or problem. Her name is not worth mentioning in your household. Whatever they do in his household it should be kept in there and never brought up in yours and vice versa.

-rh-

Thanks Josie I always remember not to bad mouth my WH in front of the children. It is harded not to do so about OW but I don't think I say anything too bad.

Redhat that would be great but I wouldn't want to stop them talking to me or make them worry about what to say etc.

We have had a big talk and we have agreed that they will think about what they are saying before they say it and maybe wait a few days after they have visited before telling me anything. Instead of coming in and telling me everything at once and in such excitement.

Hopefully things will get easier and we will all cope better.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by feelingit:
<strong> Melody

Here in the UK there is no such order unless violence has been used. I wish there were. I was appearing to the children to be the bad one and being awkward in not letting them go to their dads. I had to back down for the childrens sake.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">feelingit, I agree they should be able to see their dad, but my concern was about them seeing the OW. I don't think you should prevent them from seeing their dad.

Their exposure to her results in no good and almost condones her presence. It sends a message to her, him and your kids that adultery is really ok and there are no consequences.

Letting the kids see them together helps them justify their affair and adds a very inappropriate patina of respectibility. I mean, this is not a RE marriage situation or a divorced situation, it is a SLEAZY AFFAIR.

Preventing contact wakes up the WS when he sees that gee, my situation is really too sleazy for even my kids and causes him to question him behavior. Preventing the kids from seeing HER serves to apply PRESSURE on him to end to affair.

feelingit, please don't let your H and his OW use your children to normalize a sleazy affair at their expense. It's ok if you look awkward protecting your children. Their best interest comes before feelings of awkwardness.

<small>[ April 12, 2004, 10:01 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Melody
I am not trying to justify my actions or seem to appear to accept their sleazy affair but the children were suffering.

I stated my feelings about OW seeing the children and I said OW could not be around when the visited their home (OW and WH live together) I also made my WH come to the family home to sleep when looking after the children, whilst I was working nights. It started off okay then WH said it was causing him problems at home (what a shame) and then it got to the fact that he had to choose between OW and seeing his children. He did not see the children for nearly four weeks no phone calls, nothing and the children then started to get very upset over this and I started to feel bad. So what do I do?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by feelingit:
<strong> It started off okay then WH said it was causing him problems at home (what a shame) and then it got to the fact that he had to choose between OW and seeing his children. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">feelingit, he never had to make a choice between them, he did it because it was more convenient for he and the OW. Personally, if it were me, I wouldn't accommodate their convenience at the expense of my children. He is the one who CHOSE to leave, make him pay the price. To enable him here only protects him from the consequences of his actions and helps normalize his affair.