Melody,
Ha ha- sometimes I feel nuts- I am overly sensitive sometimes- I am a worrier,( Taurus), I am stubborn and I always think the worst- all that he knew when he met me and he still loves me - no matter what- am I insecure- yes- but that is something I need to work on for myself- nobody can make you secure but yourself- my family life was never great growing up- I am a child of divorce- a bitter one- and the men in my life have let me down- my father left, my ex left- now the fear of my h leaving now is scary- but this he knows and he still tells me to let it go- he is the one with the problem- he has apologized to me for all of this- he is projecting his insecurities w/ himself through me- my therapist says this happens alot- women show outward signs of what their h is really feeling- I believe that and again, I am not stupid by any means, I just never dealt with the issues before- now I have to- that scares me too- because I have no control- and what has happened before is over and done- i need to let it go- I cannot compare my current h to my ex h- they are 2 differnt people...

Melody,
Ha ha- sometimes I feel nuts- I am overly sensitive sometimes- I am a worrier,( Taurus), I am stubborn and I always think the worst- all that he knew when he met me and he still loves me - no matter what- am I insecure- yes- but that is something I need to work on for myself- nobody can make you secure but yourself- my family life was never great growing up- I am a child of divorce- a bitter one- and the men in my life have let me down- my father left, my ex left- now the fear of my h leaving now is scary- but this he knows and he still tells me to let it go- he is the one with the problem- he has apologized to me for all of this- he is projecting his insecurities w/ himself through me- my therapist says this happens alot- women show outward signs of what their h is really feeling- I believe that and again, I am not stupid by any means, I just never dealt with the issues before- now I have to- that scares me too- because I have no control- and what has happened before is over and done- i need to let it go- I cannot compare my current h to my ex h- they are 2 differnt people...

josie, for what it is worth... I found out from my children that a guy had been visiting mommy at her business. When I asked she said he was just a friend and nothing more but if it bothered me she would ask him to stop coming by. This was last October. What she really did was ask him to be more sneaky about it and things escalated. I to would feel very guilty each time I would ask her if it was over and she would say that it was. And yes I got the same answer everytime. Well this past February her "friend" decided that I should know that they were much more than friends. Now I wish I had done more to find out what was going on but I trusted my wife. She claims it was never sexual but I told her that if it was something she had to hide from me it was wrong. Were working on it now but it got and remains pretty shaky. Check out my posts in I just found out. Anyway, if you keep asking the same questions you'll get the same answers. Maybe you need to take it upon yourself to find out the truth. Also in my case once I backed off she started to give me info that she wouldn't when I was pressuring her. Whatever you choose good luck but don't feel guilty for caring if your spouse is faithful or not.

Mr. E,
It is hard b/c I have been there b4- I was honest about how it hurt me- I feel betrayed- I have been told i am a beautiful woman- I have a good job, good personality and I am an outgoing person. So what's the problem- I wish I knew! I am backing off b/c right now i am kinda numb to what is going on- the ball is in his court- He knows where he stands w/ me- maybe I need to stop taking care of everyone else and start taking care of me. I will read your posts and being on shaky ground is not always a bad thing- it gets you in touch w/ your feelings- but the uncertainty is what causes the pain

I wondered the same type of things. I think by just about any standards I am better looking then the OM, more succesful, smarter, you name it I got it over him but none of that mattered. You do need to look out for yourself. I had said that was going to back off but until I got to the point that I was making myself sick I didn't. I decided to take care of myself and hoped and prayed that she would come around and luckly that is what appears to be happening. I look back now and realize I was just rehashing the same things with her and making us both miserable without accomplishing anything. This isn't some cop drama they aren't suddenly going to break down and admit everything. When you back off if nothing else you start to feel better about yourself becasue no one likes to feel desperate all the time and that is how I felt. It didn't mean I didn't care I just truly put the ball in WS hands. There is only so much we can control.
Hang in there and remember IT'S A GREAT DAY TO BE ALIVE.

Mr. E,
Thanks- that is what I am trying to do- I do keep rehashing it over and over- it has made me physically and emotionally ill- I am successful- I know I have it all over her- but I keep asking WHY????? I might never know- it is not about looks or anything- but in your mind- you try to change yourself- it is just hard for me to back off- I get so far- then I start again, i canm't help it- i am consumed- and you are right- there is no bright light and interrogation room- I know i have to believe what he says, hope that he will realize what we have and get it together, that is all I can do- but like I said- it is not always that easy- how did you do it???

This is so bizzare because last week I was on this very site asking others for the same advice. I was at the end of my rope and that may be the key. I like you was consumed, it took over my entire life and I couldn't understand why my W wasn't consumed as well. In fact, that is one of the signs that I read to mean she didn't love me anymore. Here's what worked for me. By reading on this site I realized that if in fact there had been an A then my wife was probably not in a position to let my love in even if the A was over. She needed some time. I also realized that by continually asking questions that I already knew the answer to I was causing her to send up emotional walls that would not allow my love in. Lastly I knew that I could not go on the way I was. I forced myself to realize that all the little questions and all the little tests I was giving her were not going to keep her from cheating or make her love me. She either was or was not. You said you have to believe him... you do not. You have to accept what he says. That does not mean it is gospel. Back off and see if given time he comes to you. Tell him this is what you are doing and that the ball is in his court. Then as best you can stick to it. I told my W if I was getting hurt or angry I might have to leave for short periods of time to get over it and I did have to do that at least once. Just the act of telling her what I was doing and meaning it made me feel better. Rather than watching every action and reading something into it I removed all expectations so I didn't get hurt near as much because she hadn't passed some test she didn't know she was taking.
Hang in there and remeber IT'S A GREAT DAY TO BE ALIVE!

Mr. E,
he is in Florida visiting my MIL- I miss him- he left Friday afternoon- called me Sat pm after he went to dinner and I have not heard from him since- do i want to call- oh yeah- but I feel like it would only make it worse- I have told him I would let it go in the past- he tells me that I can't- because I go back to the rehash and have done it twice already- now as hard as it is- I resist the temptation to call- and I hope the OW has given up- but it creeps up on me alot when I think about it- I hate her for still pursuing it knowing that he is married- and I am so angry at him for letting her continue all along- knowing that it hurt me like it does- I sometimes feel like walking away- but the problem would never be resolved- I also think he is selfish- he is not just in this by himself and his actions affect me and my 17 yr old daughter. IT is unfair- it makes me want to scream and sometimes the numbness just takes over- but then for some odd reason- i settle down and come to my senses- I guess all I can do is try.....

Good advice Mr.E I'm currently in the position you were but it took me about a month in a half of my W living with the OM to realize that I have no control and I have to worry about myself. I got counseling here from Jennifer and she told me to give a Plan B letter to my wife. I think she did this due to the fact that I don't have any control of this situation and I need to worry about me for now. Not trying to steal the thread just saying good advice. Oh one other good piece of advice is if you talk of your marriage or relationship with a WS you might as well talk to a wall, you have to wait till they open up to you.

<small>[ April 12, 2004, 03:21 PM: Message edited by: The Tinman ]</small>

Well I'm far from having all the anwers for myself let alone anyone else. Right now things are going well, for four whole days, not perfect but well.
Josie, I would trick myself into making those calls you are talking about and I would always have the best intentions but when she didn't react the way I thought she should or would the hurt and anger would come out and we would take a step or two back. Hang in there if you can. I know it's hard. Work at getting your mind in the right place and hopefully his will follow. You can only control yoourself. There's an old saying... someone else's head is no place for my happiness to be.

Mr. E,
You are so right- happinessin life is what you do for yourself- right now i just feel tired- I have lost alot of weight- my stomach is constantly in knots- and my sleep schedule is not always great- I function, but it is just so hard- you wonder what the hell happened- how did you get here- do i really know this person,etc? I am scared- that is all- and it is tough to take.