My wife discovered my affair in October. At the time I felt I really did love the OW but I have come to realize I do not.

I put my wife through hell with the withdrawls and made her feel like I had given up the love of my life so we could make our marriage work. I still had contact with the OW but only via e-mail.

My story is so long and drawn out. Bottom line I pushed my wife too far in January and she left the house. I left first to cool off after a huge fight we had. When I got back she was gone. She stayed gone the whole weekend. Her friends and family would not tell me where she was or even if they had heard from her.

Finally on Monday I went by her work and she was not there. I went back home and she was there packing her stuff and moving out. She said she was done and that she was seeing a lawyer and was filing for a divorce. I told her to calm down and that I would try harder. I would send a NC letter to the other woman and I would answer any questions she had. She said not to bother it was too late and that ship had sailed.

She moved in with her sister and BIL. She asked her boss to put her on a project that would require her to be out of the country. Before she left she got the divorce rolling and I was served.

I was really hoping that her time away would give her some persepctive. I wrote her an e-mail before she left and told her I would do ANYTHING if she would give us another chance. She never replied.

While she was on assignment she ended up meeting a man, her client actually. He is this rich, unmarried, womanzing business man from Europe.

When she came back she was even more determined to get a divorce. When I found out about her affair I was devastated. At first I thought it was about revenge but I think its more than that.

She views this man as her saviour. She says he makes her feel happy and he does not lie to her. She thinks he's an upstanding guy because he was honest about his past history with women and said they he views their relationship as temporary. I feel I don't know her anymore. The woman I knew would never have accepted anything so temporary. She is a small town girl and she is eating up the attention she is getting from this man. Her relationship with him has also done wonders for her career. She is on the fast track now. She always looked down at women who got ahead that way but now she is doing it herself.

I still want my marriage even after all this. I have thought about telling her boss about the affair but I have been told nothing would happen even though there are rules about this sort of thing. This guy is their biggest client and they would not do anything to upset him.

Hell I have even considered giving the story to the European press in my most angriest moments. They would go mad if they found out he was carrying on with a married woman.

I have not done that for 2 reasons my wife would never take me back after that and I had an affair myself. What right would I have to do that? None.

I have read the Plan A but its hard to do when my wife won't have any contact with me. This guy lives primarily in Rome but he flies to NY all the time and she files down there see him. Should I just wait the relationship out? I don't know how much more I can take. I have read everything on the internet I could possibly find out about this guy and his "relationships" don't seem to last more than a month. Well their relationship is going on 3 months. I have heard from a friend that there is a good chance my wife will eventually be transferred to the NY office. She is on the fast track after all. What do I do? I feel there is nothing I can do. She is so hooked on this guy and I can't get through.

LCV this is the first time I've seen a post like this. To go from WS to BS how surreal but I'm not here to put you down, you have now realized your mistake and hope you hold to that. I'm not an expert here but there will be people along to help you out. I wish you luck in your situation. Welcome to MB btw.

ICV,

I sat for awhile after reading this post and pondered how to respond to your request. There is a part of me that says: What did you expect? There is a part of me that says: Give it time, but you have NO control of this situation. There is part of me which says: It is time YOU started to learn a few things.

First an opinion: She is enjoying the attention, the boost to her career, a man that enjoys her, and she knows it will end. She really doesn't care what you think and she is filing divorce to makes sure what you think is of no matter.

Now you have not said if you two have children nor did you mention how long you were married. These things are important in a recovery process.

Upon thinking about this, I am leaning toward the third of the options. You need to learn a lot. I realize you want to "fix" this, but you cannot. So the next best thing is to LEARN so that if an opportunity presents itself in the future YOU will be prepared.

First, I would strongly suggest you read two books: His Needs Her Needs and Surviving an Affair by Harley. They along with the articles here will give you a better idea of why you had an affair, why you did NOT work on the marriage, and why she is having an affair now.

Next, you really need to understand why you had your A, what you got out of it, how you gave yourself permission to hurt your spouse, how you could NOT see the possibility that you would lose her. You need to understand those to a high degree. Then you need to understand the needs she was not meeting in the marriage, and more importantly the needs you were NOT meeting in the marriage. I don't mean during your affair (well then as well), but before the affair.

You see you made a decision to have an affair. You made decisions to continue contact with OW. You made decisions on how to treat your W both before and after the A started. Why did you make those decisions? YOu need to understand that.

Until you learn these things it is unlikely that you will be able to ride out her affair, or repair your marriage if you get a chance. Further, unless you understand these things, it is very likely (statistics of second marriages support this) that your next marriage will suffer the same fate. So unless you enjoy watching W's and soon to be exW's waltzing across Europe, and the US with other men, you need to learn these lessons and learn them well.

So Icv, read the bookd, read the articles here, read this forum. Ask questions, comment, and learn. It is your only hope of rebuilding your marriage, AND if this marriage does end in divorce as it is heading right now, then you will be much better prepared for a new relationship.

Frankly, it doesn't seem to me you fully comprehend how much you hurt her, but you are going to learn either by your efforts or hers. I would strongly recommend it be by your efforts.

I wish you the best and I do hope you get another chance.

God Bless,

JL

ICV, it is difficult to respond to your message without pointing out some things. You do not give much background about your affair, but if you were having an affair, you disrespected your wife and threw away the promises you had made to her and to God. Even after she discovered the affair, you maintained contact with the OW. Now, your wife is leaving. You said she is divorcing you, according to present day laws, but Biblically the moment you had intercourse with another woman, you divorced your wife. You opened the door for her to allow others in her life.
What can you do? First, show her sincerity and care. Remain by her side as her friend and DO NOT argue with her. No LBs. You need to show her that you still have romantic love feelings for her. The key is to SHOW not SAY that you love her. Let her know you want to correct all you did wrong and do not bring up what she is doing now because she will get defensive and will remind you that you had already broken the vows that kept you together. The OM may be rich, but you know her better and know her needs. Use that to your advantage.

Your wife is on the rebound as they say. Having been mentally and emotionally destroyed by your affair, she seeks healing. Sometimes people seek healing in the wrong places. Rather than find a support group, counselor, minister, friends, etc, they throw themselves into a romantic entanglement.

This is very tempting. As a BS, I am very tempted to find a woman, almost any woman, to get involved with. Fortunately, I know I am not a fit person right now for romantic escapades. And even better, most women know that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

You wife's hot romance will cool down, she will find it does not heal the pain. If you have reformed and learned to be a better husband you may be able to take advantage of that opportunity.