Hello,

For those of you who know me well and have kept on top of my story, thank-you. I hope this finds you well.

Ark, I wanted to let you know that I am "busy". I have started going back to the gym. Once a week is all I can handle right now but I hope to move to 2x as the weather gets better. I am also coaching my D's soccer team on Monday evenings. I know what you're thinking Ark...I just have to start slow. My mother is not well and fairly dependent so the plate is a little full between career and dependents.

Had to share my "unchristanlike" behaviour for feedback...H calls me to yell that I've used OUR line of credit, etc...calls to berate me that D is wants to rent the movie "Uptown Girl" and it's all my fault...calls to berate me that he had the runs and it might have been something I cooked so watch my D....okay, the reason I'm sharing this? As you know, holidays are difficult. Actually, they've become worse with time, not better.

So...on Easter morning, H calls. I have D answer. No problem. I never stand in the way. D wants to call him. No problem. I help her dial.

He calls Easter evening. He had spent it with his mother. I hosted my family and some friends. D couldn't get to the phone. I answered. He says curtly, "Happy Easter". I didn't respond. (I know...I was wrong) He becomes SO angry. I told him politely that he had to earn the response. He tells me I'm exactly like my father and hangs up.

I felt rotten about myself afterwards but why does he think I have to be cordial? Does it make him feel better? And why does he continue to compare me to my father? That hurts like hell.

My father was an abusive tyrant.

Just had to vent...

Thanks and happy Easter Monday to all of you.

Hey Terri! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I was going to put out a post to you this week, after a reminder on the ladies board about all the people who have helped us out during our MB 'stay'. LOL.

You're taking on your H's bad energy as your own.

Why?

It's not yours to own.

And the fact that you're feeling guilty over one TEENY TINY (lack of) response on the telephone last night??? What's THAT all about??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

This may be extremely bold of me to say, considering that I don't know the situation regarding your father... but tell me if I'm wrong here... it sounds like your H is the one who is just like your father.

He's only saying that to you b/c he knows it's a sore spot. My stbxH said the same thing to me, one time inparticular, when we had been out for lunch and were sharing a pitcher of beer. It was still 1/2 full, and I wanted to stay to finish at least another glass... and he looked at me and said, "Okay Charlie" (my dad is an alcoholic). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Myself, I rarely drink (I grew up from that phase during my college days. LOL).

Have you arranged for regular visitation through a mediator or lawyer? How about child support?

Karen

I have to agree with Topie on this...Why are you taking responsibility and "owning" his bad behaviour as your own?? I also believe that your H is more like your father than you are! He doesn't seem to recognize the fact that he left and you no longer owe him anything except a relationship with his D.

Plain and simple, he compares you to your father because he knows it hurts you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Terrified:
<strong>He says curtly, "Happy Easter". I didn't respond. (I know...I was wrong) He becomes SO angry. I told him politely that he had to earn the response. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Terri, do you think he was annoyed because you were so rude to him? I know I would probably be a bit annoyed if someone was rude to me by ignoring my greeting. Could that have set him off? Would he have responded better if you could have simply said "thank you," and then moved on?

Hello and thank-you for your replies.

Topie, Sounds like you're doing so well despite the legal setbacks. How's the ladies' board?

Yes, my H definitely has similarities to my father.

No lawyer, no mediation...nothing.

MGM, So, why does he continue to want to hurt me? I just don't get it.

Melody, He wanted me to respond with a Happy Easter back...I guess it would make him feel better. Yes, it could have been interpreted as rude but I'm not a rude person by nature. And besides, I spent Saturday with his family, my niece...etc. So, it's just him I can't stomach to any degree and of course, when he calls me by my full name instead of his short form, it sounds SO phony...that's what sets me off.

Thanks.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">MGM, So, why does he continue to want to hurt me? I just don't get it.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't get it either...wish I knew 'cuz if I did you'd be the first I'd tell!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Could be he's a control freak and thinks he can control you this way.

Could be he's just mean, insensitive and abusive. If that's the case there's nothing you can do, it's his problem.

Could be he's upset and frustrated and he feels you are a safe target. He knows that in the past there have been few or no consequences for this behaviour to you.

Wish I knew the "why" but, I don't.

Terrified:
I was lurking on your post and read your story in your signature. Am I seeing things right. This crap has been going on for THREE YEARS with you two??? I am simply TERRIFIED because my WH's OW lives in India, and I know that the fantasy of it all will be hard pressed to wear off under those circumstances. So this could go on forever and ever.

I really hand it to you. There is no way I could do this for 3 years.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Terrified:
<strong>

MGM, So, why does he continue to want to hurt me? I just don't get it.

Melody, He wanted me to respond with a Happy Easter back...I guess it would make him feel better. Yes, it could have been interpreted as rude but I'm not a rude person by nature. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Terri, I amjust suggesting that it was probably your behavior that caused him to be angry. Personally, I get angry when someone treats me rudely and maybe he does too. And maybe you didn't feel like saying Happy Easter, that's ok, you could have simply said Thank you and he wouldn't have been offended. Or was your silence intended to make him angry?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Terrified:
<strong> ...calls to berate me that he had the runs and it might have been something I cooked so watch my D....okay, .....Just had to vent...
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My dear Terri,

You now have the ability to cause the runs? Wow, can I have the recipe? I think we should post is so other BS can inflict this on other WS?!??!? LOL!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Oh dear, this guy is still running on stupid, 'eh? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

However, you sound much stronger and bounced back better. Regardless if the holidays are getting harder, you are getting better, much better.

Hugz to you and your little one.

L.

T,

He is extremely emotionally abusive. That's who he is. He yells at you for nothing and he yells at you for being "rude". Do you even care anymore whether or not he has a reason? You have tried to work things out with him despite his continuous efforts to sabotage your marriage.
I wouldn't call what you did "unChristian like". His treatment of you is unChristian.

That comparison to your father was nothing more than a cheap attempt to hit you where it hurts. That's all he knows. Very very immature tactics. Let your machine pick up if you daughter can't make it to the phone. When he wants to talk to you, be "indisposed". Correspond by email or something other than direct contact. At the very least, you will have written record of his abusive behavior.

Stop worrying about his feelings, he stopped worrrying about yours a long time ago. You deserve some peace!

Terrified, since I don't know your story (other than what's in your sig line and in the post) I may be a tad offbase here. If so, forgive me.

There was nothing wrong in your not wishing him a "Happy Easter." Easter celebrates the resurrection of our Lord and Savior. It is a decidely Christian event (the Easter Bunny attempt at secularization notwithstanding) that honors God.

His actions are anything but "honoring to God."

So, as we are told in the Scripture, "if the unbelieving spouse wishes to leave, let him." You are freed from such an unevenly yoked marriage.

Remember the "point" of Easter. Justifiable and righteous anger over sin that your husband is commiting is perfectly fine. Not demeaning the reason for Easter by not blandly responding to your husband's less than sincere "Happy Easter" is actually supportive of God and not trivializing the great gift that He gave us. You should be proud, not embarrassed, by your action.

Perhaps with enough of that your husband will come to understand that his relationship with God is non-existant, and that obedience to God should be his first priority.

And I'll also bet that his "anger" is motivated by feelings of guilt. Rather than admit it, he uses anger to "defend" himself from himself.

God bless and stay strong.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I felt rotten about myself afterwards but why does he think I have to be cordial? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Because you're supposed to be. Aren't you the one that is supposed to rise above it all and be the bigger person? Aren't you the one that is supposed to put all that you have learned here at MB to good use and avoid LBs?

You felt rotten because you know your behavior was no better than his has been. You can be cordial without being personal. If a stranger on the street had wished you a Happy Easter would you not have replied back?

Your behavior was not inhuman but it certainly defeats your purpose here at MB if you are serious about saving your M. Upon reading your sig line and your length of stay here at MB I would venture to say that you are not serious about it at all.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> No lawyer, no mediation...nothing.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you don't like your H enough to be cordial or civil with him any longer than maybe it's time to do "something".

Its me! Long time no see!

Little girls always marry someone just like dear old dad. (oh no....watch out in 20 years when your lil gal brings a beau home!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> )

Really T...do you have the energy to deal with this crap anymore? I just haven't got the time to deal with anyone so crabby. Life is short sweet and wonderful! I feel sorry for anyone that brings such misery to people -- but I've got some boundries. I won't let them have an impact on me.

Sorry to say this, but your WH is like drinking poison. He just brings no joy to your life anymore. He doesn't deserve a place in your life anymore.

I know you don't write here very often, but I'd sure like to know what you're doing now. Have you made any changes? Do you make him take his daughter ELSEWHERE for visitation?

A few questions/comments about your initial post:

Line of Credit?? I say SPEND IT ALL!! Why shouldn't you?

Why is he eating anything you cooked? ugh.

Probably immature of me, but anytime he's acting up I'd call him Gary (my dad's name - suggest you replace it with your dad's name) Just say "yeah ok Gary, talk to you later" hee hee. I know I've got an evil streak. Your WH's buttons would be pretty easy to push. Why let him do all the button pushing? I'd get a kick out of watching him boil, especially knowing he can't effect me back. No matter what he said, I'd be able to laugh at him. Cuz he's pretty funny actually.

He takes himself so serious. And he's caused so much pain and heartbreak all around him. How sad. Life is too short to spend this much time on someone so messed up. Move on T -- I'll help ya! Lets have some fun!

Won't take me but 5 minutes to pack! Tell me when! I'm ready!

H calls me to yell that I've used OUR line of credit, etc...

is this what you meant to say???

so I use that line to segway into opening up the lines of communicating and committing to having some serious discussions about ending this bi-partisan self inflicted pergertory we are both in since we are both too afraid to discuss reality.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Is that what you meant to say...??

It is isn't it....??


and Terr..just the fact that holidays gets worse each time...has nothing to do with reality...it has to do with the perpetual same old same old...
and that should motivate you enough to want to address some of these things...

nothing changes on it's own...
nothing...
ark

Terri,

I think you are missing something in all of this. Your response was rude and it hurt... YOU.

You are still stewing over it because you KNOW it was wrong. My advice be polite, it will make YOU feel better. Your H??? That is a different issue.

I will offer you a story to consider. I don't know where you live, but I live in CA. My daughter plays sports in college and last winter played in Atlanta. Most of the girls on her team are from CA.

They all commented and impressed with how polite everyone there was. Now one doesn't usually think of CA as being a place where people are impolite, but the emphasis on being polite struck all of them, and I might say very favorably.

So she asked my why people there were so polite. I explained in the South specifically, that politeness was an attribute that people strived to achieve. They extend to to anyone because it is not important who the person is. The politeness is extended because it is important to the person doing it.

I think you know you behaved poorly and got the expected poor response from your H. If you want to feel better about this, then do what is important to you. I would say from your post that being polite is something you respect, so do it. Do it for yourself and to teach your children. It is not important whether he deserves it or not.

Just a thought. Hope it helps.

JL

<small>[ April 14, 2004, 11:58 AM: Message edited by: Just Learning ]</small>

Terri,
It isn't like he said Happy Easter and you said "screw you". You followed the Thumper Rule of Politeness, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all."

He stomps you when you are nice, he stomps you when you cry, he stomps you when you are angry.

This time you didn't say anything, and that was wrong too and he hurled a particularly painful verbal dart at you.

He's a lose/lose proposition.

The 2 of you have been battling so long neither one of you have any humor toward one another. Though, I suspect it would also make him mad for you to say anything light-hearted.

Let yourself off the hook for this one and be polite in the future only because YOU will feel better about it.

As for his "runs"...to blame it on you, he must have eaten something you cooked? How did that go?

Hugs to you & D.