I am really going crazy here. I have read many of your posts. Momto3boys, your story sounds just like mine except at least your H has decided to really try. Mine refuses to acknowledge that he needs help and must give her up completely! He still comes home and crawls in bed with me sometimes snuggles, but mostly pulls away. One minute I think he really wants to work this out and the next he just wants to hang around for who knows what. Well, He has gone out of town for three days with his dad. He had a death in the family. I know he will not see her those three days, but will probably call her. I told him before he left that when he gets back he needs to have made a decision as to which he wants--her or me! I can't take the ups and downs anymore. He didn't like it that I gave him this ultimatum, but right now I'm so fed up I don't care. I start counseling tomorrow, but he refuses this. Will he ever see the light?

You are still very early in this. Read all about Plan A. Then stick with us, we will help you through this.

When I gave him the ultimatum this morning, he was very aggitated. He tried to blame this not working on ME! He also said that I was trying to turn his whole family against him just because they are very upset with him in this whole situation. They ask me stuff and I tell them. Does it shame him? Where can I find plan A?

Hurt:

I feel your pain. My husband was a first class cake eater and we sat in this house under the same roof while he waffled back and force, making no moves either way, but basically being content to simply exist, for almost 6 months.

Here is the article onPlan A & Plan B. Read it.

Plan A calls for the BS to try and determine the WS top emotional needs (there is plenty of info on that in the basic concepts pages of this site...complete with a Emotional Needs questionaire, etc...read it); try to meet those needs, not to have Relationship talk (except maybe during counseling), stop any withdrawals from the WS's emotional bank accounts (Love Busters, read up on it on the site), and basically prove to the WS that the marriage CAN be great, you CAN change and try to meet their needs, and that recovery and happiness IS possible within the Marriage. Plan A also calls for the BS to OUT THE AFFAIR so that it can no longer exist in all the secrecy, fantasy, and mystery that it is currently flourishing in. So, you should tell his family, his coworkers or boss (if the OW is a colleague), your pastor, and anyone else that could positively influence your H. You do this while you are still in Plan A and together, so that you can do some damage control (because the WS will be pissed that you have told people).

Then, if he instead get comfortable with you meeting some of his needs, and the OW meeting some of his needs, and he become a "cake eater," after a solid period of time, you go to Plan B.

Plan A can be fun. Just figure that you are putting deposits for your future in his account. He could later squander it, but you will have the peace of mind of knowing that you really could change to meet his needs, and that you did a solid job of demonstrating that.

I tried plan A--giving him what he needed. That seemed to work for a couple days, then I found out he was still talking to and seeing OW. That hurt, so I went to the I'm going to worry about myself and do whatever I want. Well, I was told that wasn't me either. I think that giving WS the ultimatum this morning is the beginning of plan B. I am so scared that he is going to chose to leave. He did not even call tonight to check on the boys. That is not like him at all. Although I'm not sure I would have answered the phone if he had. This place is a God-send...

What is your story? When did you find out...when did you start plan A. Kids? How long have you been married? How long ago did the A start? etc. You may want to be in Plan B, but ONLY after a GOOD Plan A (and plan a for a few days and then SCREW it, does not consitute a good plan a). Plan B saved me, because I felt like I was selling myself off piece by piece all those months with him at home and me "meeting all his needs." But I have done a piss poor job of Plan B since I've been in it, because it IS terrifying. But you have just as much a chance losing him either way.

And your comment about not checking in with the kids...not being like him...well, I bet you thought an A was not like him either...we get the unfortunate pleasure of seeing our spouses do and say LOTS of horrifying things we never thought they were capable of.

R U SURE he is with his dad???

OMG! Sounds so much like what I am going thru. My H's PA started 2 years ago in July and lasted 3 months. I found out & he said it was over and wanted to work on our marriage. I thought things were going OK and then he pulled away again, moved out for a while, came back... you've heard the deal. I found out that he's still been in contact w/ her, seeing her, talking to her, sending her flowers, etc. And he thinks that that has nothing to do with his inability to want to make our marriage work!! Says he tried. Yeah right, while he was still carrying on with her?! He also can't admit what's going on and that his A is affecting us and how he feels about me.
I printed out excerpts from some of these posts and he at least admitted to feeling some of the things that people posted. (I think it's all dead on the mark!) So I feel that is a start.
However, tomorrow we are going to see the therapist together and I also plan on giving him an ultimatum as he has thus far refused to stop contact with her. He is leaving for a business trip on Wed. to the city where she lives. He told me last week that he would see her. Thus, the need for my ultimatum.
I, like you, can't go on like this. Sitting at home alone (he has his own place now) wondering if he's talking to her. It kills! Doesn't he care at all about my feelings? I'm so nervous about tomorrow. I wonder how he can ignore what everyone is telling him and what he's read. And how he can look at our children and not want to try and work things out. None of our friends can believe it either. They, like me, thought we were good together. I'll admit to problems, not meeting ENs, being too wrapped up in the kids, the house, etc. But still, how can he throw it all away. Everyone's right when they talk about the fog. I'm just praying that it is starting to lift.
Wish me luck tomorrow. I hope your H's fog starts lifting too.

Christy,
I am positive he is with his dad. His car is here and his dad came in to talk with me before they left. I really didn't do plan A for long. I tried being very loving and giving him what I thought he needed for a few days, then found out he was still talking to OW. He had said that he would do whatever it takes to make our marriage work. Well, not talking to her was my response. He occasionally shows some affection toward me even now. He still wears wedding ring and gets in bed with me every night. He is warm one night and the next he is very cold. I wasn't dealing with this very well. That is why I told him when he left to decide what he wanted. By the way...he did call tonight. I let our 6 year old answer the phone. He talked for a few minutes then hung up. This made our 3 year old very angry, so I dialed his number for him. Son was still in a fit so hung up. WH called back and talked to S3 then talked to me for about half and hour. I would have loved to tell him I loved him when we hung up, but I didn't. Should I have? I hope he has had time to think and has decided to work on our marriage without OW.

This whole thing is so confusing and such a mind game. Do you talk to him or not?? Is it helping him to realize that he still loves you or just making him feel better cause you don't seem so miserable?? I couldn't take it anymore so I told him I needed to minimize contact w/ him. He said "well, why don't you call just to talk? That would be great." I said "Because you are having an AFFAIR" (DUH!) And if I talk to you and have a nice conversation then I get my hopes up. And then I hang up and think OMG, he's probably going to call her next. Plus now he's off in another city and said he is going to see her. So why stay on that emotional rollercoaster?

My WH is back from his trip and seems to wnat to keep our marriage together. We had some conversations, not about A, but nonetheless we are speaking. We even snuggled and had sex. I'm not sure it was making love on his part, but it was on mine. Is this bad? Any suggestions?

hurtnp have you and your H wrote a NC letter to the other woman?

No. He really won't talk much about it. I have to drag anything out of him. I have this feeling he has talked to her even today. I just don't trust him to go anywhere.

This is something that needs to be done hurtnp, your H has the best of both worlds right now you and OW he's getting all of his needs met by both. He's cake eating right now, if he really wanted to work on the M he would have no problem doing this as a building block for the trust he's broke. If you talk about this as an option remember to discuss it not argue or LB when you do it. Have you started a Plan A yet?

<small>[ April 15, 2004, 06:01 PM: Message edited by: The Tinman ]</small>

Tinman,
I think I tried plan A the first few days, but then I went cracko when I found out he was still talking to OW. I think I am back to plan A. I have been very sweet and we've had good conversations. Not about A, that is not an option with him. If he finds out that I'm checking up on him he gets very angry. Is this an LB? Should I just not check and hope that my Plan A pulls him away from her? I have to get on this site when he is not here, so if I disappear for a while that is why. Thanks for your help.

hurtnp
BW 32
WH 35
2 children S6 & S3
married 7 years, together 16 years
Found out 3-19-04
WH never moved out or acted like he wanted to

okay, how do I not sit here every time he leaves the house and think is he on the cell phone to her? It is driving me crazy.

Bs-32, WS-35
children 2S 6,3
m-7yrs tgthr-16 yrs
found out EA 3-19-04
WS says he doesn't want to leave, but continues to talk with OW

hurtnp he hasn't given you any reason to trust him yet if there has been no NC letter given to the OW. Maybe you should get the LB book and read what they are, that's my next book to read so I don't do them if my W comes back. You should be able to look at the cell phone bill to see who he's calling or who he's getting calls from, and in order to build that trust he should not have a problem with this.

Hurt:
Plan A for a few days is NOT ENOUGH. This has to be seared into their tiny little brains good and hard (and you are working with a fogminded man here, so you need to do this and do it right). My WH was here for months, while I knew DAMN WELL he was talking to her every single solitary day. And somehow, I got into a groove in plan A, learned to vent here, and did a damn good job of it until he finally moved out. So, does Plan A always work, no. Sometimes it does...sometimes the love a BS sows a WS is enough to win them back, and they end the A on their own. But I would wager most of the time it is not enough. So that is why Plan B is waiting around in the reserves if Plan A fails.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE read up on Plan A. Go under the main site and read about it in the articles, search the discussion board and read up on it (in fact, there is a great post up there today from 2ofakind called "why MB works, recovery for dummies... a great post, so read it too). Plan A is to show that you CAN meet his EN's, time for your to OUT THE AFFAIR TO EVERYONE AND ANYONE THAT CAN PUT PRESSURE ON IT TO END, and to minimize relationship talk and just try to be for awhile.

You can do this. DO NOT DO WHAT YOU FEEL LIKE DOING, because most of the time, it these principles are very counterintuitive.

We will help you. Hang in there.

Plan A for a few days is not enough. It takes time to sink in, then time to take effect. No-one here is saying it will be easy. Many feel that it is worth it. I've been trying to Plan A for about 5 months now... only in the past week have I gotten it right(and I blew it today- <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> )

If you want to try this MB stuff, great! I have a lot of faith in it. (Which would explain my presence) But you HAVE to understand what it's all about... what the terms mean and how to do them properly. Misinterpreting what Plan A is can very easily do you more harm than good.

I know it's not easy and sometimes you probably feel like you are going to literally crack at the seams, but somehow you get through each day... and it does get easier as you learn how to do it and how to handle it you get stronger and over time you see progress. You have to allow for time. (I should take my own advice)

dewt

okay, I get plan A. But are your WH still sleeping with you? Mine is and one day he wants to cuddle and be close and the next he wants to be really distant. I feel like this is when he has talked to OW. Should I quit sleeping with him? He has been very sweet for two days--what is going on?

Is anyone there to respond? My H still comes home and sleeps with me. Should I continue to sleep with him? What should I do? Advice please................