This is my first post. I'm the OW. I still feel like I'm a good person. I doubt most of you will agree- but I'm in fog, pain, depression, mood swings, etc. He broke it off with me, sort of. He said things have to be like this, for now. But he still called me, said he still loved me...it's complicated. Overwhelming. I am trying NC. It's hell. OW need help too, when we know it's got to be over. Somebody please tell me I can get through NC , and not be an idiot by calling him

jetgirl...

you can get through no contact...

it's not easy (now there's a understatement), but you can do it...

oaktown...

<small>[ April 12, 2004, 08:47 PM: Message edited by: oaktown ]</small>

If NC gets you upset, think about this...it is not a complement to be chosen as someone's extramarital affair partner. It's disrespectful and cowardly. You are being treated in a disrespectful manner. That should be incentive not to call.

Find a single man (provided you aren't M too) and allow yourself to be treated with the dignity and respect that all of us deserve.

As time goes by and you begin a new chapter in your life you'll be happier and wonder what you ever saw in the MM.

I bet there are very few cases where a person actually sets out with the intent to rip apart a marriage. I applaud your efforts to maintain a no-contact situation. If you can stick to it, it will be a point that you could stand up and be proud of.

dewt

Jetgirl, a lot of us here have been there, done that.

NC is the only answer. Of course it's complicated - it was complicated for all of us WS's. By the way are you single or married?

Withdrawal and fog and all the other things you are going through are very, very painful, just like grief. And, just like grief, you have to work through it, there's no way over it or under it. Remember, NC, NC, NC.

Tell us a bit more. You will find a lot of wonderful people here.

Jenny

Thanks guys. Well, I'm married too. This is so terrible to say, the rejection by him hurt the most. I just can't believe its over. How could he be done? I'm telling you, having an affair has got to be as painful as being the spouse...

Welcome to MB jetgirl,

We all know that it is going to be really hard for you.Being an OW is just not a decent,respectable place to be.You made a bad decision getting involved with a married man but you can do the right thing now and get out of it and stay out.You need to have a man who is single and can devote all of his attention to you and in the process you will not continue to be the cause of another woman's and perhaps childrens pain and suffering.You don't want that on your conscience do you? Can you live with that?

No matter what this man is telling you or requesting of you,please remind yourself that he is forbidden to you.Unless he is divorced,you have no business being with him or contacting him in any way.Withdrawal is horrible,we all have heard from others here but you need to do it and it will lessen over time.Any addiction is very difficult to get over but you need to get some help.

If you are willing to be honest with us and really want help,we will try to help you but do be **forwarned.If this is an attempt to cause more suffering or pain here you will not be welcomed any longer.Be careful what you say because most of us here are BS's(betrayed spouses) and we will not condone any flaming or hurtful responses.

O

Guys, let me tell you more. We met 5 years ago at work. At that time, my husband was working long hours in retail. (we have 2 kids now 11 and 12). We flirted for a year..He says he's never been faithful to his wife, except for the first year. I was faithful for 15 years, and madly in love with H. But, slowly I slipped down the list- First job, kids, money, dog, then me. And thats when I met him. Bam I was hot for him and the attention he gave me. I can't believe its gone on for 5 years. Its hard to even admit it. I now know from this website, that H didn't meet my EN. Well, most he did and OM met the rest. Long story short, He has a new baby, and older child. Last month I texted him and his wife saw it. There ya have it. She texted me back to stay away, or else. Well, we continued on for 6 more weeks, then he started less contact, less everything. He was going through hell at home, and I felt bad for him. But I was so addicted to him, I couldn't see straight. It's pretty much over, but I still feel him everywhere...Do you know what I mean? I feel less pain today, so maybe I will begin to heal..

jetgirl,

As the wife of a man who has another woman, I am not the best one to give advice. But the fact is, I pity you as I pity the woman who got involved with my H.

He lies to her as much as he lies to me. He promises and underdelivers as much to her as he does to me. He betrays her as much as he betrays me.

But the one difference is, she knew this when she entered the relationship...she took that risk. I, on the other hand, did not sign up for this. I still feel bad for her, however, because I have read some of the crap he has told her, and he really worked hard to convince her he would make this right, give all of himself, be proud of "them" one day, even telling her this outlandish story of how he will ask her father for her hand in marriage one day. He has had countless times to do that, go to her, make this good...almost with my blessing, I was so sick of it, and he didn't. Because he never had the intention of doing that. And he would argue a million reasons with me right now why he has not committed to their relationship, but the fact is, he could have, and he hasn't or probably never will.

So, with that being said, look at this situation for what it is. You would be lying to yourself if you said you deserved him. You don't. You have no right to him. And if he has children, you are causing permanent damage that they, also, did not sign up for. You would be lying to yourself if you said your relationship could one day be something you could really be proud of. The foundation of a healthy relationship will never be the quicksand of lies, betrayal, hurt, pain, broken homes, and heart ache that comes to all parties in an A. Something innocent and pure will never come out of such pain. You would be lying to yourself if you thought he would be better with you than he says he was in his marriage. Bottom line is, whatever issues HE contributed to his marriage are still there, because he did not take the time to investigate, heal, or fix these problems...he ran from them instead by escaping into a fantasy of a relationship with you. But the likelihood of him creating many of the problems with you that he is now facing in his marriage is highly likely, and you would further have the deck stacked against you because he would have to live with this fact that you could not equal total utopia for him, and it cost him his marriage, his wife, and his family to find that out. So imagine how imbittered this man would be TOWARD YOU when he find that out. And imagine how much of a burden that will be for you to try and bear (because he would probably rather you carry that, than himself, as evidenced in his escapism behavior so far).

And lastly, you would be lying to yourself if you did not believe that you deserved better. You deserve more than someone's broken leftovers. You deserve a man who can proudly, in front of the world, from the mountaintops, profess his love and affection to you. You deserve to fall asleep in the arms of a man who has not dealt the most painful blow to an unsuspecting wife or even more innocent children, but had the right to seek a relationship with you, was free to invest his love and attention with you, and was in a place in his life where he had the right to dream about building a life with you...that would be all your own...just the two of you...without anyone, anything, overshadowing you. And you deserve to be in a relationship that you can be proud of. I doubt you want to be "the other woman" or live in the shroud and secrecy that the A dictates...doesn't it piss you off that your relationship with him is something he must hide or be ashamed of????? Don't you want it to be something you can both be proud of.

I'm Christian, and I believe that nothing will ever have God's blessing on it, if it is obtained in direct rebellion to God's will. I believe that God did NOT give you each other. And life, family, marriage are hard enough without having the big man upstairs in your corner.

You deserve better. If you want to investigate what this does to the people on the other side of this triangle, I encourage you to read their stories. You do not deserve to be a part of, or worse, blamed, for so much pain and unhappiness.

I respect you for reaching out on the board...and thank's for listening. Hang in there...you will not regret wanting more for yourself than this A can ever give you.

Originally posted by jetgirl:
Well, I'm married too.

I'm sorry your marriage had unravled to the point where you have lowered your personal standards to such a low.

This is so terrible to say, the rejection by him hurt the most.

You were an affair partner. That means you were never number one ... NEVER. You were always the second ... an "extra" woman he enjoyed having in his life... on the sly. Your existance was his dirty little secret. When you realize this rejection comes as a result of your selling yourself too cheaply, it might strengthen your resolve to mind your own marriage, and to keep yourself out of other people's families.

I just can't believe its over. How could he be done?

He has a wife and a family .... they mean more to him than you ... his second, secret woman. Good for him. His family is where he belongs.

I'm telling you, having an affair has got to be as painful as being the spouse...

Yes, I imagine it is painful to realize you've given yourself away cheaply. Devalued yourself. You were a secret pleasure ... and knowing your actual status in this relationship makes you hurt. Some of this is your pride.

But, this is what you signed on for when you made the decision to be with a married man.

Everything has consequences. You chose these consequences by having an affair.

The pain the betrayed spouse experiences .... is as a result of choices made by others ....

You earned all of this pain. Use this pain as a guide to better choices in the future.

When are you planning to confess to your husband?

Pep

pep...I knew I wasn't number 1. I never wanted to be. He didn't either. We never wanted to leave our spouses. But we did fall in love, and that was so wrong. For me, my H wasn't there for me, meeting my EN like he used to. But I still loved him. For the OM, he's had 4 A. Left his wife twice, went back. He told me he wasn't in love with her, but they had a child, no money, and that his family loved his wife, so he stayed. I never went there with him. We did talk for hours about him, his family. I felt he wasn't being fair to his wife, that she deserved a man that loved her. And him too! Anyway, I wonder if this site is where I can express how I feel-I see there are alot of hurt spouses here...

Jetgirl, there are a lot of hurting betrayed spouses here but there are also a lot of WS's (wandering spouses) as well.

All of us WS's (the majority) anyway are here because we want to rebuild our marriages. We do get together on posts quite often and support each other but it is an unspoken rule amongst us that we work on building our relationships with our spouses and try not to go down the path of "how much we miss the OP." We often talk about how awful withdrawal feels and how we can best deal with it but "wishing" the OP back is a no-no.

I know that's not what you're doing - you just want to know how to deal with your feelings and your pain.

Personally, I have been strict about NC, I have read on here about meeting each other's needs, I have spent time with my H, I have read a lot of posts from a lot of people, BS's and WS's, the hard yards basically.

Just knowing other people have been where you are helps - so please keep posting.

Jenny

[Anyway, I wonder if this site is where I can express how I feel-I see there are alot of hurt spouses here...

You ARE a "hurt spouse" yourself.

You are a WW. Wandering wife. Your feelings are terribly hurt. But more importantly, your authentic self has been injured. You trashed your own integrity. This hurts the real you. The self that will endure after this affair hurt has faded.

The real damage is deeper than your feelings. You've wounded your soul.

You can express how you feel.... that's just so easy. Your feelings, all of them are valid.

Are you open to learning how to have a better marriage?
How to recover from this awful event?

Remember, this is a site that is pro-marriage. Anti-affair.

We want your marriage to succeed and flourish. That goal is more demanding of you than just expressing your feelings.

Ask more of yourself. Learn about what it takes to have a fantastic marriage ... far beyond this unfortunate disaster you created.

Pep

All i can say or offer is prayers to you and it does say a lot about you by coming here.

Jetgirl,
Your statement below :

I'm telling you, having an affair has got to be as painful as being the spouse...

Can't be more wrong. HOWEVER.... remember...you have a spouse that has been betrayed as well.

Has your H ever had an A ? I hope you find peace, and I hope something lifts your FOG, to realize where it is you truly want to be.

I will tell you this.... ALL AFFAIRS ARE BASED ON LIES...THE FOUNDATION IS WEAK....IT'S ALL AN ILLUSION.

What you had with the MM is NOT love, it's a fantasy....find out what emotional needs the MM met, and try to get them from your H. Furthermore, look at what is missing in YOUR marriage...in my experience.... once a couple reaches the stage of withdrawal....the marriage is very vulnerable to an A.

I don't think you're here because of the A and your feelings for the MM...I think deeply buried beneath your FOG, is the desire to save your OWN marriage... <----JUST A THOUGHT

Hi jetgirl,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He broke it off with me, sort of. He said things have to be like this, for now. But he still called me, said he still loved me...it's complicated. Overwhelming. I am trying NC. It's hell.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">NC is definitely the way to go. I see big places where your NC can be improved.

He said things have to be like this for now. He's wrong; they have to be like this forever. YOU be the one to realize this, and to act accordingly. That way you can be proud of yourself and your strength in taking the right steps to get the real you back.

I know it's hard. I know it hurts to the point of physical pain. I also know it doesn't last forever, and that there are things you can do to help yourself get through this withdrawal.

Where does he call you? I'm guessing since you're married he's not calling you at home. Can you change your work number? Can you change your cellphone? Change your pager. Change your email address.

His statements that he still loves you do neither of you any good. You don't need to hear that. He needs to be involved in his own M, and you need to be involved in yours. Yours needs a lot of work, but that can come later, in a few weeks, after you've gotten okay with NC. For now you need to protect yourself from statements like that.

Also you need to delete any emails he ever sent you, delete any voice mails you have saved, throw away any cards or gifts he ever gave you, and get rid of any reminders of him - ticket stubs, posters in your office, EVERYTHING that is a trigger. It all has to go, and the sooner the better.

When you find yourself missing the OM, engage yourself in a loving activity directed at your H. Write him a note, send him an email, give him a quick call, pick up a favorite snack of his, rub his feet... replace the sad thoughts of OM with positive activities aimed toward your H.

Please don't let the hurt on this board scare you away. There is great wisdom and compassion here, in addition to pain. You will learn from all of it when you are ready.

it's complicated
No, it's not. You are both married to other people.
It is difficult, but not complicated.

I'm telling you, having an affair has got to be as painful as being the spouse
Not even close...

the rejection by him hurt the most.
Then try to imagine how rejection by your spouse feels. About 1000 times worse.

You need to stop ALL contact with him.
You need to read the principles here on this website. (see the links below)
You WILL have to tell your husband. ("Oh, I will never tell him. It would devastate him!") It's not the truth that will hurt him.

If you want help, you WILL find it here.
Some of it will not be easy to hear.
Some posters (very few) will not be nice.
But stick it out and you will be able to more than get through it all and make your marriage far better than it ever was.

If you feel like contacting the om, call your husband immediately and talk to HIM instead. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi Jetgirl.
Although I am a BS, I still feel your pain!
I have always had the ability to put myself in another person's shoes!

In a marriage, we have the opportunity to take the scattered broken pieces and mend them back together into an even better marriage; whereas with an affair, the pieces have to be thrown away, never to be put back together again.
And that makes pain in the affair person's heart!

Right now, you are feeling severe rejection.
I imagine you have knots in your stomach and fear of the future without this man that has been your friend and confidant for so many many years.

Somehow, you have to go back to before the OM, before the problems in your marriage, back to the beginning when you were madly in love with your husband.

If there once was this passionate love between you, I promise, with effort, it can be restored.

And the advice to tell your husband is good advice.
For one thing, it will help with the temptation to keep from talking with or meeting up with the OM.

Keep posting and TIME will be what it takes for you to re-gain your peace of mind.

You will have to get over a lot of this withdrawal though, before you can once again devote your life and your love to your husband.
Sincerely, Julie

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Anyway, I wonder if this site is where I can express how I feel </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">YES, YES, YES and YES

you are extremely welcomed here. I am a WW too, I know how hard it is to accept it is over, very important needs were being met by OM, but at what cost. i am sure you have felt the cost all along too, right?

5yrs is a long time, it will be hard to let go but you CAN do it. Mine lasted 2 1/2 yrs and we never let it get too emotional, always acknowledged that we were just using each other, although i felt a friendship for him, i never felt he was someone i wanted a future with (ok, every once in a while the thought would creep in, but mostly i kept it in some kind of perspective). The OM was single (and much younger) in my case so there was no W or family on his side that i was hurting, just my own <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I can't imagine how much more intense it is when a full-fledge EA is occuring too.

People will start to talk to you about confessing to your H. IF you are like me, you will react with NO WAY!!! but i challange you to make that NOT NOW. work on yourself, free yourself from this addiction, post here, learn from others. you never know what might be the right thing to do in the future, worry about today right now and for today, you need to work on yourself and beat this addiction.

you can do it, i am here cheering you on.

Karen