Hello, this is my first time posting and I have a situation quite similar to most of you who are seperated.
I have been seperated for 3 years and I am raising our son basically by myself.

I have had a suspicion for a while that she may be seeing or talking to other guys that she has been meeting and now I have proof.

I listened to her voice mail and there are 3 messages that she has saved from 3 different guys.

We both have agreed not to get a divorce and work on our marriage slowly but how can I justify working on it now when I know for a fact she has been unfaithful?

I really feel I need to approach her about this because quite frankly this could and may be the final straw that pushes me to go ahead and file.

I have been loyal and not broken any vows since we have seperated but now I dont know what to do.

I need answers and I need some advice.

I have written down these 3 numbers and I am tempted to call these animals and tell them that they are dealing with a married woman. I have a feeling she is telling them she is single and has no children.

Right now I don't know who I am more peeved at.

Should I call these jokers? Cause if I do then she'll know I'm onto her little game.

1. Start reading the stuff on this site.

2. Yes, call the men (they're not animals, particularly if they don't know that she's married!) on the phone. TOMORROW. After you've composed a carefully respectful speech to use. Something like this: "Hello, X? My name is Mr. LostNAlone. You may not realize this, but my wife is Mrs. LostNAlone. We are separated and trying to heal our marriage. I love my wife very much, and I do not want our marriage to end. I'm asking for your help in this, even though I don't know you. Will you please end your relationship and all contact with my wife?"

3. Explain to your wife what you've done and how you knew to do it. And then explan how very, very hurt you are by her relationships with these men. And then STOP TALKING. You must continue to be respectful of her, even if you feel like it's going to kill you.

4. Make an appointment with someone like Penny Tupy (www.saveyourmarriagecentral.com) or Steve Harley (click on "Counsel" in the header above). You and your wife should never have been separated for three years. Let's get you both out of limbo and into something else.

5. Welcome to MB. I'm sorry you have to be here, but I'm glad you found the place.

I am sorry you are here, but you came to an excellent source of wisdom, support, and friendship on this board. I mean it...I would not have survived half as long as I have so far without this board.

My prayers are with you.

I really really want to talk to these guys and tell them who they are dealing with and I like the way you put the sentence. I will use that verbatim.

Now, IF I call them and my W finds out about it then that will be a HUGE breach of trust and may end up pushing her further and further away from working on us. BUT on the other hand how can we even work on US if she is giving out her number so freely?

I whole heartedly agree with you that we should never have been seperated for 3 years, she has missed alot of her own son's growing up. I have been loyal and stood by her thru alot, even as bad as it hurts I have made it a point to be there even when she didnt want me to be.

This is SUCH a huge slap in the face, but I still want to save my marriage, she just doenst know how badly I want that.

Why did you two separate in the first place. Perhaps there were other men even then (steve harley says majority of the time, when one spouse is requesting a separation, it is due to infidelity). Perhaps she has been at this "game" a long time, and you are just now seeing it.

She will be mad, and at first she will pull away. But when she questions you, you can say "I love you so much, and am so committed to our marriage, that I knew the first real step would be to disclose what was going on, to these other men, to our family, and to anyone else that would actively participate in supporting the recovery of our relationship." And when she says she is angry, just validate her feelings, and leave it at that.. "I understand why you would feel that way."

You can do this. At least you know one of the MAJOR barriers that is barring any type of reconciliation in your marraige, and you can move on from here (where ever that path may lead you).

<small>[ April 12, 2004, 09:56 PM: Message edited by: ChristyV ]</small>

ChristyV:
"I love you so much, and am so committed to our marriage, that I knew the first real step would be to disclose what was going on, to these other men, to our family, and to anyone else that would actively participate in supporting the recovery of our relationship."

How is other men calling her supporting any kind of recovery? Let alone she has to be giving her number to them in the first place.

<small>[ April 12, 2004, 10:09 PM: Message edited by: LostNAlone ]</small>

Because, chances are they don't know the real deal...that is, that she is married...and entertaining extramarital relationships with SEVERAL different men. And they probably don't want to be a part of that. And so, that is a reality you need to bring to light to rebuild this marriage. And chances are, they would bow out (especially if it was not serious) and respect your wish to want to rebuild the marriage. And even if they were not gentlemen about it, they probably would not want to be just another one of the pack (another one of her boy toys). Bottom line is, as far as you are concerned, letting them know allows them the chance to exit stage left, bringing you and your wife one small step closer to recovery. And so, that is a tactic you must be willing to employ to fight for her and your marriage. And what would be more "knightly" for a woman...a man who fights for her, doing whatever it takes, however uncomfortable, or a man who just says, that takes the cake...see ya. So if it is easier to say, "I love you so much and am so committed to our marriage that I reached out to these men to let them know that I loved you, wanted you, and would not give up on us without a fight."

Say what feels right to you...but that is the truth...you are not calling them to hurt her...but to keep her.

I agree with you whole heartedly and truthfully. Now the question is that she will know how I got their numbers and that will make her trust of her privacy feel violated.

I got into her voicemail only because I know her passcode. So how do I get around that? It wont take long for her to figure it out and further take away any trust she has in me right now.

That is tough one. I remember when my WH got home from his international trip, I was paying bills, and happened to notice a same time instant message from a number in india (which was where he had just returned from, and where I later found out, he had his EA/PA). I asked him who the number was, and he GOT TOTALLY angry, saying don't I trust him, etc. I remembered feeling totally awful that I had questioned him. I had asked him several more times, as other weird things came to light, and he would respond just as put off that I was questioning him. Then, one night, I just could not take it anymore, so I hacked into his hotmail account. There I found love letters between them, an account of their plans for the future, etc.

Well, wouldn't you know, he did not even mention that I had accessed his e-mail account until much later. It was a detail that did not seem to mater much when I confronted him, because, well, he knew he was WRONG and he knew he had lied, and he knew it took me stone cold busting him for him to finally admit the truth.

When he did approach me about the breach of privacy, I simply calmly said to him, "Well, my intuition, my gut told me something was going on. And I tried to approach you and flush out the truth several times, but you vehemently denied it, lied to my face. I am sorry I invaded your privacy. I am sorry that it had to come to that. I am sorry that you did not feel that you could disclose it the dozen or so times I questioned you. But, I was right about my instincts. And the reality of this situation was what we both needed in order to make some choices and move on. And maybe I took the pressure off of you to disclose it. But, I did what I did, and I hope someday, you will willingly give me access to your whole life, because you will have nothing to hide." Of course that has not happened for me yet, but that was my heartfelt, honest, loving reply. And he seemed ok with that.

So where does your relationship stand now? I am assuming that your discovery and confronting before he moved out and you got the D. Its a totally different situation when there is a small childs life that will be affected also.
I really want to have a truthful heart to heart talk with my W but she is so moody that I feel like I am on eggshells with her.
Maybe what its going to take is getting right in her face about it and getting mad about it but NOT mad at her about it, if that makes sense.

<small>[ April 12, 2004, 11:19 PM: Message edited by: LostNAlone ]</small>

why are you sepererated for three years...what's the deal with that...
why the original seperation?

exactly how are you two working on this marriage....

what are the plans/goals to rebuild this marriage...?

ARK

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by LostNAlone:
<strong> Maybe what its going to take is getting right in her face about it and getting mad about it but NOT mad at her about it, if that makes sense. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Alarm bells went off when I read this. Be sure to read on this site about 'love busting' and 'Plan A'. Getting mad may trigger her to react in the opposite way you want her too. Maybe you are right, though. All I'm saying is do not react out of desperation or without carefully thinking things through.

dewt

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ark^^:
<strong> why are you sepererated for three years...what's the deal with that...
why the original seperation?

exactly how are you two working on this marriage....

what are the plans/goals to rebuild this marriage...?

ARK </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why seperated for almost 3 years?
I really wish I had the answer to that one. I have been doing all I can to try and keep our marriage together and at the same time looking at what I want to put back into it. After we seperated we immediately went back into counseling, she kept being prodded along by "friends" that it was a "bad thing", get out while the gettings good.

So, she did exactly that and left our son behind at the same time. Her parting shot as she left for the last time was "I hope he can forgive us for this", I looked at our son and he looked up at me and said "mommy????? go bye bye???"

When we talk about us and the future she is still so unsure, she says things like "I dont wnat to give you false hopes and I don't want you to assume that we are going to get back together, I just don't know yet". I on the other hand am committed to my marriage and working on us, I see a lot of potential for betterment, but on the other hand Limbo is taking its toll.

eep...

When we talk about us and the future she is still so unsure, she says things like "I dont wnat to give you false hopes and I don't want you to assume that we are going to get back together, I just don't know yet". I on the other hand am committed to my marriage and working on us, I see a lot of potential for betterment, but on the other hand Limbo is taking its toll.

That's pretty much a sum up of my situation too.

I understand when you say you feel like you have put so much into it. One thing that I'm beginning to realize is that I put most of my efforts into the wrong things. I was motivated and felt like I was doing the right things but (I've got a lot of time now to think about these things) was missing the mark.

It's frustrating. It's scary. I'm so worried that it's just too late. But what can I do? I love this woman... I mean I LOVE her, and she is the mother of my child. I'm resolved to do my effective best right up until the end. I do not know how much fight I've got left in me. My main consolation is that she is so not acting like herself, and I keep hoping that the real Dylan will soon stand up.

Till then... day by day.

dewt.

<small>[ April 17, 2004, 09:42 PM: Message edited by: dewt ]</small>

A lot of times I feel like throwing in the towel and saying "ya know, if you dont want to work this thru then fine, I have spent a lot of time working on us and you have done nothing but given me grief about something you say you want so badly and still you do nothing. I'll find someone else who will because family is important to me and if you no longer care to be part of my family then I'm sorry, I hope you understand how I feel"

the only problem with that is my W is the one I want that with, but she cant see it.

One thing I have learned during this seperation is how to look for red flags in a marriage and not to let them be its downfall.