Hi All, wondering if anyone can point me in the direction of any posts about getting into relationships after the marriage has ended after infidelity.

Have a few issues moving into a new relationship and need help - Its me, its not them (sorry the pun).

Liz

Seahorse,

I haven't a clue but I see you haven't gotten any responses so I'm guessing no one else has either <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Have you tried the divorced/divorcing board? I've never hung out there but it seems like they'd have some tips.

Wish I could help more - this is one I have not studied much.

You may also visit Jante's thread on GQ2 and ask her what problems she has had to cope with - she is post D, and dating now.

Often wonder about you, pray for you. Was hoping you you were doing so well you wouldn't be back. (though it is nice to see you again.) Thought about Forgiver too, wondering how she is.

How was the trip to Mexico, or were you not able to go?

How is your dad?

If you have time, catch us up - and now that I have typed this, I better go to JFO and see if you already did.

SS

Hi Lizzie! Howzit? Chased any sharks lately?

So, thinking of sticking that toe back in the relationship pool? Good girl. Easier than a vegemite sandwhich. Considering the things you do for fun, this ought to be a piece of pie. Or is that a piece of cake?

I successfully navigated this minefield, though it seems highly individual and not one size fits all. I haven't yet convinced Resilient to give it a try. I just practiced tried and true honesty and tried not to label ALL women for ALL time as betrayers ready to betray.

In fact, I believe what BSs learn in the process of dealing with infidelity - if they do it the right way, e.g., follow these MB principles - give us an "unfair advantage" in our future relationships - particularly during the dating process! We know WAY more about what promotes healthy relationships over those "lucky" folks who didn't have our struggle.

non-BS male to female attraction: Hey babe, wanna go upstairs and see my etchings?

BS male versed in MB to female attraction: Which is the more important emotional need of yours, conversation or companionship?

See?

You have every reason to be optimistic and courageous in this endeavor. Just get started, be yourself, and apply what you've learned. No worries!

WAT

Hi Turtlehead, SS and WAT - thanks for the info. I tried the D/D board but no replies. Yes I've pulled out some of the EN stuff, and I recognise what needs he has but I think I tend to be a bit full on and he pulls away. That's what I can't deal with, the thought of being left again. In fact its tieing me in knots, so I'm trying to remember all the stuff I learned from MB about surviving.

The trip to Mexico was great overall, although in true Seahorse style I had a couple of dramas - the biggest being my car being stolen on the morning I was to leave, and my bag being randsacked in customs. Still as usual I sorted those and things have worked out better.

Dived with a shark in Mexico WAT, and planning to do some more in a couple of weeks. Funny though, getting into a relationship is far harder than anything else I've done so far and instills far more fear in my heart, so much so I'm seriously thinking it would be better to run right now! Maybe I am not ready.

Well SS, my dad is well and enjoying the company of my dog. I am out just about every night of the week doing Salsa and ChaCha dancing and was even invited to an advanced class, so I was stoked! On Saturdays I'm learning Spanish and really enjoying it. I'm off to visit a friend in Queensland in a couple of weeks, shes just had twins, so it won't be a relaxing holiday. Work is good. I have a new boss, so I'm seeing if things will turn around here. If not, I'm out of here.

Anyway, I'll check out those posts you mentioned.

Give us a little more to work with - is it that you are chasing him, and it scares him, or .......
well, tell us a little more.

Liz, I am not really afraid for you - because I think you are the kind of person that will do well. I am ......whats the right word?

I am sorry whenever you have troubles, and it sounds like they haven't stopped yet.

I thought you would be in a new job by now, but I am glad you have a boss you like - though it is always hard to train a new boss.

Hey, we still like you even if you struggle, don't be afraid to tell us what is going on. I think WAT has a steady girl now, he may be able to help quite a bit.

Do you understand why you fear? I mean, what does he do that gives you these feelings?

SS

Hi Seahorse!

good 2 hear from you. I've wondered many times myself what I would do if I were 2 find myself single at some point. early on in this "experience", I would have thought I'd want 2 start dating right away and begin a new, serious relationship. But now I'm not so sure. Hopefully I'll never have 2 find out, but I suspect that I'd rather enjoy being single and persuing hobbies and other activities rather than a relationship.

'cept for my friends, that is!
best,
-ol' 2long

Hi SS, this guy has liked me for about six months. I started Salsa back in June last year and we met then. I have made very good friends with him and another lady, who lost her husband about the same time I split with XH. We’ve all been very good for each other. All three of us are great dancers and love it with a passion and have so much fun when we go out. Basically when I dance I'm happy and they are the same.

About six months ago, even though he was going out with other women he liked me. We've got to know each other as friends, we have common interests and a common outlook on life. I like him a lot as a person above anything else and he likes me and knows all that happened to me in the past two years.

Anyway, things progressed and we were spending more time dancing and I realised he liked me. He talks to our other friend and she was also dropping hints to me. She’s been instrumental in us getting together. I've been very reluctant to go down that track with a guy and especially with him because he is much younger than me. I didn't realise he was much younger when I first met him because he has an outlook on life that most 40 year olds fail to achieve. He has his own landscaping business that he started at 18 - he's known what he wanted to do since he was 5.

He just kept fullfilling my needs - recreation, conversation and admiration - although I didn't realise he was doing that - see how easy it is! He snuck in while I wasn’t looking and busy trying to keep others out. I was at a stage that I had decided that I was OK by myself. Although it saddened me a bit, I felt that I’d rather be alone for the rest of my life that have people in my life that didn’t value me.

Anyway, about a month ago I called him when normally I wouldn’t and showed him I was interested. I didn't need to do much more than that and other than a bit of cold feet from me it all went ahead. For the past few weeks its been full on and we can’t get enough of each other then all of a sudden it changed last weekend.

We spent Monday together and he was grumpy. He does have a few big issues with his business which is hard for me to understand as I work for someone else. I know it weighs heavily on those young shoulders and as my friend (who has her own business told me) its not like me where I can leave it at the office. For a business owner that never really happens.

For me once I’ve committed to someone, that’s it and they come first. I took a long time to decide but now I’ve made that decision I’m all gun-ho. I just don’t understand what changed? I know he’s honest, he says it how it is and he’s saying I worry to much, but how can I not? I know I can’t bring the past into this relationship, but the fear is overwhelming at times.

I decided that I’d risk the pain of a relationship and not live my life alone forever. I don’t know how long it will last and I know God’s brought him to me so that I can learn to love again. I’ll stick it out but I keep wondering if its too soon.

Why does this have to be so hard? I should be enjoying this not suffering it.
Why does he suddenly seem to have cold feet – is he rethinking it? He made a comment that I’m too nice. How does someone not be nice? Should I become a b….? The only time I’m like that is when I’m stressed to the max.

By the way WAT, he has a boat and he’s teaching me to drive the darned thing. It hasn’t got sails but we can get away from the sharks pretty quick! So far I’ve learnt that I drive it on the right of oncoming traffic and what ‘the plane’ is and that I should keep the boat there. Apparently its important to him that I learn to drive the boat – recreational companionship. He likes to talk – and me to listen – conversation. He says sex is not so important but I wonder about that. He also likes me to look good and said as much and also that he like that I like him being affectionate with me and me him – yes, we MB’ers do have an unfair advantage don’t we?

I don’t know, I think this is me more than him, I’m just not sure how to get through the insecurity of these first few weeks? I don’t want to do something stupid just because I’m reacting to fear. A friend told me just to be consistent and to remember that he is younger. The lady we are friends with assures me that he likes me a hell of a lot and that I need to keep perspective and not jump to conclusions and maybe not tell him that I think he is wonderful so often.

I was with my x for 10 years but now I feel like I don’t know how to keep someone anymore.

Hi 2long, yes, being single is a lot of fun, but it is nice to have someone there

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Seahorse:
<strong>Should I become a b….?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, you should stay "Liz." She's not a b....!

Seriously, please be your self and go slow. It sounds like you're being understandably cautious.

As for his unexpected coolness, ride it out, keep your self on that plane, stay to the "right" of the channel, and see what happens.

Here's something I did with my sweetie when I realized we were more likely than not entering a long term relationship: I introduced her to this site, we each filled out the EN questionaire and shared it with each other, and I bought her a copy of "Fall in Love, Stay in Love." An unfair advantage, indeed!

Now, about his serious flaw - no sails. Oh well. Could be LOTS worse! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

WAT

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Seahorse:
<strong>For me once I’ve committed to someone, that’s it and they come first. I took a long time to decide but now I’ve made that decision I’m all gun-ho. I just don’t understand what changed? I know he’s honest, he says it how it is and he’s saying I worry to much, but how can I not? I know I can’t bring the past into this relationship, but the fear is overwhelming at times.

I decided that I’d risk the pain of a relationship and not live my life alone forever. I don’t know how long it will last and I know God’s brought him to me so that I can learn to love again. I’ll stick it out but I keep wondering if its too soon.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My suggestions ?. Stay clear of him for a while and guards your ENs. If there is no improvement, move on. There are more eligible men than sharks in the tank you know ... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> . I know it is hard when that person already deposit some LU$.

Read Buyer, renter & freloader from Harley, it is a good book for us, single, available and looking.

-rh-

<small>[ April 15, 2004, 12:18 PM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

Hi WAT and Redhat and thanks for the advice. From all angles to me it seems its over. He hasn't said as much but I know the signs.

So if I've learnt one thing its not to chase. I'll just leave it alone and see what happens. Got plenty to keep me busy with dancing and spanish.

Guess I should have made sure the boat had sails for when the fuel ran out!

Will come back soon and see what needs to be done here.

Liz

rh - your broken English gives me never ending smiles. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Just had to say that. Please don't improve one bit!!!

I can picture, er, hear you speaking the same way you write.

You are one warm hearted trip!!

WAT

Hi Liz - we were posting at the same time.

Sorry to hear it may have ended.

But I imagine you as a desireable lady and other opportunities will arise. PLEASE be picky!!!

Don't get me wrong - power boaters can be acceptable - as long as you're on the water, anything is better than a land lubber.

Keep smiling,
WAT

WAT:

Ah, but there's nothing like the sound of the wind through the sails, and the knowledge that you're "getting there" without burning dinosaur 2rds 2 do it! I'm not a sailor, ac2ally. Just happened 2 be a deck carpenter for a yacht manufac2rer about 28 years ago! ...very pretty boats.

Seahorse: I predict you will do fine! And maybe he'll come back. Who knows? How could anybody want 2 be away from an MB-educated person for any length of time? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

-ol' 2long

2long - no $hit $herlock!!!!

$ail$ any day over stink potters!!!

But Liz is one classy lady and old farts like us (and JL) can't really relate to the preferences she has in her men. We should remain as father figures. If we're lucky, she'll invite us to her wedding.

WAT

I'd like to live somewhere near water. Rain would be nice too - not for me, I have seen rain in my lifetime, but for my kids. It would be nice for my kids to see rain before I die.

Liz, there are too many b****** in the world already, we don't need any more. In fact, more sweet guys like WAT and 2long would be nice because there are enought cranky ones like me already too.

If you figure it is over you can just ask him why - and if he is honest he will either say he doesn't know, or give you something useful. Remember, if it IS over you won't make it worse, and you may learn something.

I did learn something about you once though, when your heart is involved, it is hard to think that way. Not being negative, just thinking and talking.

What would you do differently, and how do you figure you came on too strong?

Maybe it is something else, I would hate for it to be him, and you think it was you.

SS

<small>[ April 14, 2004, 11:57 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Don't feel bad, ss. Where I work, it hasn't rained in a 2ple billion years, probably. Besides, doesn't it come down just up the hill a few miles from there? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Import a bottle of water, have it with some of that Bumbleberry pie from down the road a piece, and reminisce about that day when you were a small boy and you witnessed, first-hand, water falling out of the air <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

-ol' 2long

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by worthatry:
<strong> rh - your broken English gives me never ending smiles. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Just had to say that. Please don't improve one bit!!!
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I edited my reply because I someone might lurk <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> and not because of your comment <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> . I am comfortable with my own skin <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . Unless my next mate wants me to change I will stick with what I have <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> .

Liz, If you have time you should watch "Under the Tuscan Sun" . Lady bugs will come to you if you just let it.

-rh-

Now look, all you fellas have completely high-jacked my thread and turned it in to a discussion about water!

OK, I overreacted slightly, which I've done once or twice before <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />
There is still some of the xfiles-Stuff inside me that I didn't know was there, so I'm going to see a counsellor and have another chat.

Turns out it was both of us.

A couple of people got in his ear about 33 year old women wanting babies which scared the poor guy, so he pulled away. I told him to refer such questions to me from now on. I was also told that he is very busy with growing his busines and that women come and go and he needs to support himself - I think that as an MBer none of us could argue with that. Not to say I'm not high on the priority list - apparently I am his princess, and rightly so. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I can live with being second on his list and really he is second on mine (I have to support myself too).

He's very honest and I'm learning how to deal with that. I have to remember he's not my xH and that if he pulls away from me its not always about me. He layed it all on the line for me yesterday, take it or leave it and I did the same for him, take it or leave it and basically we're both taking it and not leaving it. It alls sounds unromantic, but I'm thinking this is actually a good way to start a relationship. Maybe there was a set of sails hidden that I couldn't see for the storm I brewed up.

Anyway, its Friday lunch time here and I'm now looking foward to a good weekend especially with Salsa class on tonight.

I'm glad I did the MB thing when x was leaving me, I've come a long way since then and there only little bits of mental house cleaning now not like the big mess that was there two years ago.

SS, I hope you see some rain soon. I get negative when I'm depressed which is also something I need to speak to a counsellor about, but its a good warning sign for me.
2long, you really are a crack-up (that's Aussie speak for really funny).
WAT, please don't talk about weddings, that scares the hell out of me! Its comforting to know where all on the same ocean.
Redhat I've never heard of that film. I will let any good bug come to me!

Seahorse,

I heard that before ... it is called POJA <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ... LOL!. It is a good start for both of you & take it easy !. I hope either of you would be honest too when you want to go to "the next page" in the relationship.

Under the Tuscan Sun already out in the DvD here. Hmm ... speaking about DvD, someone has mine and also I brought her a new one and she hasn't has a chance to pay me yet. She has 2 copies!.

FYI ... I am taking Salsa dance too & I just came back from Cozumel last month <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . But I won't swim with the shark <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> .

Live Love & Learn
-rh-