I am a BS (betrayed spouse)...although right now, you might want to refer to me as a BS(Bi*chy Spouse)...I would like to post what we as BS's go thru before, during and After an A.

All of us think "my S would NEVER cheat on ME...they would leave me before they did that" we never think it will happen to us. But on March 2, I found that to be untrue in my case. I always trusted my H...he would NEVER cheat on me. When he told me about his A I was Shocked! I could not believe what I was hearing. I was angry at first. I told him to leave. I asked him "WHY???" I was hysterical. I just could not grasp the reality of this WAS happening to me.

I didn't sleep for weeks and I didn't eat anything that first week. I lost almost 15 pounds due to the "INFIDELITY" diet! I am sure all the signs were there...but I chose to ignore them. Him coming home later and later...saying he had more patients to see, or he had to run by the clinic, etc...I believed him...why would I, he had never lied to me before, RIGHT? coming home to take a shower...well, he had been in the ER all night, right? More distant towards me? Well, that had been going on BEFORE the A...out in "la la land" which I now know is FOGLAND...He was angry, bitter, and unloving all the time. But this too had been going on for months.

Once the shock wore off, the next day I wanted nothing more than My husband to return to me and forget this ever happened. I wanted to do ANYTHING and EVERYTING I could do to save this marriage. Whatever I did to cause tha A, I wanted to fix it. H came home the next morning and was very apologetic. BUT he was still deep in his A. Anything he said to me, was to make ME happy. He had no intentions of ending his A at that time. I then found this site and started Plan Aing my butt off. I was very good at it...But like any human being I had my moments.

Eventually I created the Alien abduction theory. Later finding out that actually WAT created it...I thought I was sooo original with that one too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> I honestly believed in my mind that this WAS NOT my Husband. My husband was buried inside this aliens body TRYING to get out, but he couldn't.

We tried MC, but the one we were seeing was PRO DIVORCE! Boy would I like to give her a piece right now! WH had given up on me and our kids...He was very deep into his fantasy land living. coming by less and less. Occassionally teling me that He ALMOST came home today...giving me only false hope. He was very good at that. When I would break down, he would hold me. I broke down often. I just could not function...The only thing getting me out of bed everyday was my kids.

You see we as BS are supposed to be loving, supportive and not LB our WH during Plan A. I did this...I worked my butt off. I wrote him love letters and I printed things off of this forum. Although while still in his fog induced state, he was not even comprehending it. I even sent him pictures of the kids. Didn't even phase him. All he wanted was his fix.

He even told me one day, the last day of his A, that he never wanted to see his children again. By this point, I had completely withdrawn myself from the situation and put all my faith into God's hands. I was calm around him, just saying things like..

Oh really
ah huh
sure dear
whatever you say
ok you have fun now

Completely ignoring what was coming out of his mouth...BS's have to learn to live with the lies and we have to learn to accept the fact that what the WS is telling us is NOT TRUE..It is FOG TALK at its best. They are very convincing and what is so funny is they all think they are so original...Using the lines only THEY themselves come up with...

I love you, but I'm not IN LOVE with you
We have nothing in common
I fell out of love with you a long time ago
and many, many more....

These are all the same lines we as BS's have to live with. They are so convincing and they leave us feeling hurt and betrayed each time one of these lines comes out of their mouths...

Once the WS decides to come back to the marriage and work things out...it is like a ticking time bomb. We as the BS's have to sit back and try not to LB the WS. Giving all of our love and making as many deposits into their love banks... all the while the WS does nothing to make deposits into our love banks.

It is very difficult doing this. We as the the BS are doing everything to change on our part, while the WS is doing everything NOT to change on their part. What got us into this position to begin with? The way EACH of us were BEFORE the Affair. So why is it that the BS has to do everything. BS's seem to be the ones who are being punished for WS's actions. Is that fair?

What makes us angrier is the fact that we as BS's are having to clean up the mess that WS put us in...Were we responsible for their actions? Some WS might say YES we were...but NO we were not. We had NOTHING, repeat NOTHING to do with WS actions. WS let their guards down. They should have never crossed that line. And once they did, they knew full well the impact it would have on us as BS. But they did it anyway. WS should have come to US first. Now we are stuck with the mess.

We cant dish the OP, cuz that will throw them deeper into their arms. WE are angry, bitter, you name it. We can only give so much and not get anything in return. We WANT so badly for this marriage to work. We have stuck by you, the WS, thru thick and thin. We have showed you our TRUE love. WE have given you our souls, our hearts...We stick by you thru this withdrawal. But you still cannot see us for who we are. You want the easy way out...Go live in your fantasy world. We cant do that. We have a responsibility here...We have kids to raise, spouses to take care of...we have houses to clean, laundry to do...all the while WS wants to just get up and go. Is that reality? Maybe in the eyes of a WS it is...but not to a BS.

When a WS steps over that line...they dont realize the pain and suffering the BS will go thru. Having found out about my H Affair was the WORST thing that could EVER happen to me. It is like finding out you only have 3 months to live. Just imagining someone other woman touching my H, let alone sleeping with him <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> The thoughts that go thru our minds. The agony we face each day. The look on our childrens faces when WS leaves AGAIN. We are left to pick up the pieces and hold our children at night when they wonoder why WS is with OP instead of us. Why WS loves OP instead of us. Why WS is playing with their kids instead of us. Do WS think of all this? NO they dont. They say they did, but they didn't. The children will get over it they say! More Fog Talk.

I am sure I could go on and on with this thread...I am at a state right now that I am confused. confused about what the future holds. My H seems commited right now, but he has not been making any deposits and I feel betrayed again. Unfortunately I will always hold the title of a "BETRAYED SPOUSE" now. Something I am not proud of...

{{{{MOM}}}}

You sound like me a couple months ago.I have transcended that phase and am now sitting in numbness and indifference.I have stopped crying almost completely now except a few short spells here and there and I no longer am obsessed with morbid curiosity or the details of the disgusting A.I think we all are on a different plane of awareness.

I am realizing just how much a person can hurt another,especially a loved one.I never knew there could be such pain and devastation,ever.I think I read that the more "clueless" a spouse is to an A the worse it is.I had NO clue.There were no signs beforehand for me.I even have the e-mails to prove that WH was loving and caring,at the time.Then BAM the next week my life caved in on me.

Out of all that has happened,I think for me,the worst part is the betrayal.It is the most heinous of crimes because it was done by the one person in the world that we loved and trusted the most.It is shocking.It is unspeakable at least it was for me for a while.I couldn't talk about it initially,it was so horrifying.I'll never forget that.

Betrayal Betrayal

Even the very definition in the dictionary doesn't seem to grasp the SCOPE,the MAGNITUDE of what happens in Adultery.It almost makes me glad that I am not around WH because he is the cause,as is the homewrecker,of such pain.How can you go back to someone who hurts you so? It is extremely difficult to recover from something like this.

O

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Unfortunately I will always hold the title of a "BETRAYED SPOUSE" now. Something I am not proud of...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ok, now you listen to me (since I read your lament). Right now you are caught up in the horror (yes, horror) of the moment. Recovery takes time for both of you. Your M will NEVER be the same as it was; it can't, the two of you have been changed forever!

You and your WH may be able to save your M and maybe you won't but, the important thing to remember about recovery is that it is about making yourself stronger, learning from these awful lessons and going on to have the best life you possibly can.

I know what you are going through, been there. The advantage I have right now is that I'm almost 3years past dday and this has given me perspective and time to heal.

So, my point is don't be ashamed of being a BS. I'm certainly not; I now consider it a badge of honour! I went through h*ll and survived. I came out of it a stronger person. I know understand my boundaries and my limitations. I know myself better now than I ever did before the A. This is can be like a metamorphisis for you if you want it to be. Sort of like a butterfly coming out of a cocoon.

Find a pro-M MC/IC, IMHO it's vital. As well, IMHO your H needs to see a good IC on his own. Maybe, you should too, it can only help at this point.

Mom,

You're a good writer. Everything you said is relevant. I think you should fax this to SH as well as communicate to him EVERYTHING you have told us on this site. It will help him coach your H.

Have faith...SH will address all of this and more with your H. I don't know if you've read any postings from JL; but he's been around here forever.

What he told me finally came true. I came to a point where I actually felt sorry for my FWH as the consequences of having the affair finally hit him at a conscious level. He could finally see how his actions caused me the same pain that you describe in this thread.

I actually had the empathy to comfort H as he struggled with the pain he caused me, our children, OW, and himself.

SH wil hold your WH accountable for his actions and how you perceive recovery is going.

Have faith in the process, know it takes time, BELIEVE that SH will handle your H to your satisfaction; and above all - keep communicating important information to SH.

You're doing better than you give yourself credit for sometimes!!

Oh, and you will graduate to being a FBS. (former BS) and will be able to help others "newbies" make it though the pain you're experiencing.

Counseling with SH, and supporting your H through the process is the very best chance you can give yourselves. Countless times he saved us from ourselves - from the counter-intuitive stuff that is so hard to get without the right counseling!

The hardest part of being a BS is not just the amount of work you have to put into the WS (cos don't we feel like we were the one's to blame for this!) but having to build our own self esteem up.

When Dr Harley spoke of it as the worst possible thing that could happen I felt truly as if someone had died in my life. having suffered the loss of my dad I really understood the pain element of it. The trouble is that it takes so much energy to build your love banks up in your relationship at the same time as trying to rebuild yourself. Exhausting all this analysing, self recrimination massaging egos etc.

The conclusion I have come to is that we are all human and can all make mistakes in our realtionships, we are all work in progress and some will chose not to put in this hard work. You can't take a horse to water and make them drink.

However you must remember that to feel as hurt as you do shows that you have a genuine loving heart, and the phenomenal amount of work you are prepared to do demonstrates your belief in the power of love.

I am just recovering from the revelation of a second PA at Xmas and have had to go to Plan B (he chose to move out). Although I have very bad days I am focussing on the true value of myself and maybe if I learn to love myself first I won't be held in suspended animation. Thats what it felt like the 1st time and I lost so much of my soul and identity, which interestingly enough got my WS to have another A.

Seems to me like we have to deal with our own inner consciousness first. Out of this comes something stronger but what it is going to be we don't always know.

So sisters under the skin hang in there but never forget how special you all are in the eyes of our Creator.

oops.
put this on the wrong thread.

L.

<small>[ April 13, 2004, 09:34 PM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>