posted April 13, 2004 03:32 PM
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HERE IT IS AGAIN. I AM SURE SOMEONE OUT THERE WOULD BE INTERESTED IN KNOWING WHAT THE WS THINKS; OUTSIDE OF YOUR FANTASY OF WHAT GOES ON IN THEIR HEAD.


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Let me begin by saying I am amazed that there is not a board here for CHEATERS and OPs to vent and ask questions about what they are going through. I understand that this site is about MARRIAGE BUILDING, but I think a lot of BS can learn a lot when they know what the OP and WS think. Sure our comments pop up a lot throughout the boards, but there isn't one place specifically where the BS can go and really dig in deep for some research.

Anyway, I have learned more about marriage and hope and recovery and so much more in the last couple of months by being here than I ever did while in the FOG of my A. But I have learned very little about what people like me are going through and how to deal with our emotions.

So let me tell all BS what you are up against.

Imagine you meet someone who has a crush on you. Whether of not YOU think the OP is ugly or pretty doesn't matter. There are plenty of ugly kids in the world, but no parent will admit their child is ugly. The simple truth of the matter is, when you care abut someone, they become beautiful in front of your eyes, and that is enough.

Imagine the person you meet smiles when they see you, they are happy to see you, they tell you how wonderful you are, and how attractive you are, that they always dreamed about meeting someone like you.

Imagine this person cares about how your day is and they want to know about your life and they tell you how proud they are of you.

Imagine this person leans in one day and kisses you and you feel like a 16 year old again. All these wonderful chemicals are zooming through your body. Your skin tingles. You feel warm and a bit sweaty.

Imagine the time comes when you can be alone with the OP. The OP slides their hand down your pants or up your shirt. The OP wraps their arms around you and squeezes you tight and tell you they want to make love with you.

Imagine having sex with someone like you never had sex before. Imagine the OP does things to you or allows you to do things that your S would never do ... or gave up doing. Imagine FINALLY having an amazing sex life!

Imagine having a secret. Yes, you know it is wrong and you might not consider yourself to be a liar, but imagine that your daily routine for so many years is suddenly different. Your life has been a walk in the desert for so long and you have finally come to an oasis. You can relax under a tree and refresh yourself in a cool waterfall. Close your eyes and imagine that someone has come along who takes you by the hand and leads you to the top of a mountain and shows you that there is more to life than what you have been immersed in for so long. Imagine how great this would be if you are tired and bored and restless and frustrated that time keeps passing you by.

Imagine feeling like you can have a new lease on life. No one goes into a marriage or starts a family and expects to fail ... but ...

Imagine meeting someone who makes you feel different from you ever felt or have felt in so long. Do you LOVE this person? You don't know. Do you care about this person? Yes, Do you see all the OP flaws right now? No. Are you looking for them? No. Will your S freak out if the A is revealed? yes, Do you freely admit it and hurt the S? NO! NO! NO!

Do you drag this out as long as you can? Of course you do! Are you aware that your judgment is bad? Yes, Are you aware that the OP is showing bad judgment? Yes,

ARE YOU IN A FOG! Of course you are! You can't see 10 feet in front of you! You have no idea what the future really holds, but you have your fantasies. You imagine the GOOD times lasting forever. You imagine your OP treating you wonderfully forever.

Imagine not knowing what to do. You have a S and a OP. Two people you care about and you know you have to choose one and the other will be terribly hurt. You don't want to hurt anyone.

BUT FOR WHATEVER REASON YOU FINALLY CHOOSE TO RETURN TO YOUR S and / or family.

Now you have to deal with WITHDRAWAL.

I have been suffering though withdrawal for nearly 6 months. Until I started taking LEXIPRO, I would sometimes be up all night and down all day. I could not concentrate on my work. I would stare into space, wondering where OW was and how she was. Sadly, she and her H files all sorts of false criminal allegations against me and got a RO!!!! She also went on a rampage to destroy my business. She has bugged the hell out of my family and friends. So there was no chance of my hooking up with her again, but I still thought about her. She was and sometimes still is the first thought in my head when I woke up in the morning and the last before I went (go) to sleep at night. I called suicide hotline once, but the lady just listened and wasn't very helpful. I am in IC right now, but I'm just dealing with some 25 year old grad student with no life experience who doesn't know what to say.

Withdrawal sucks. I miss the attention. I miss the sex. I miss the way she looked at me. I miss her phone calls. I miss her laugh. I miss my friend.

Yes, I am glad I have my honesty and integrity back, but I also miss what I lost.

The secret formula for getting though withdrawal? ADs, if necessary. Time. Lots of time! Love and attention from S and others. And a change of scenery, change of routine, something new and exciting to look forward to.

I am moving 3 states away and starting a new company. I am so excited about this, that it now consumes most of my time.

HOW CAN YOU MAKE YOUR SITUATION BETTER?

If your S chose the OP, he or she can go home every night and be with someone who is thrilled out of their mind to see them. A lot of love and attention and great sex is waiting for them.

But your WS chose you. And you are pissed. You are filled with resentment. You are suspicious, you are cold and distant. Sex might suck. Your S is NOT looking forward to coming home. Your S feels like a piece of garbage in your eyes.

So, my advice for anyone reading this is to balance the scales as quickly as possible. You need to win your WS back, but you also need to offer what your WS lost. You have to. There are no other options.

If your W was the WS, then based on what I have learned here, you better give her all the time and love and attention you can. Because she wants to be loved. She needs more attention than you ever gave her before. And you better et rolling with the sex too!

If your H was the WS, then based on what I have learned here, you better be prepared to spread your legs and go down on him and swallow or whatever. Let him spank you or tie you up or whatever he wants. I do not want to come across like some lowlife pervert, but that's what he's been getting from OW, and that's that. Of course, mixing in some interest in his life, and love and attention is important too.

In my case, my OW gave me things I never thought I needed. I always came from a very loving family and got lots of respect and attention and I took those things for granted. I never felt like I needed praise from anyone. I didn't think my ego needed it. But when I met OW and she looked at me like she loved me and told me I was special and respected me ad was proud of me, it felt really good. Sure, the sex was incredible too, but what I really craved was all the attention she showered upon me. It felt good.

As many of you know, my OW turned out to be a psycho after I broke it off. She has sought revenge in ways that defy explanation. But I still think about the good times. I still think about your eyes and her soft touches. Once you love someone, you can't UNlove them. I don't have kids, but I guess it's no different from parent forgiving their child for stealing from. The bond was created and it can't be broken. I don't know if it would help me to heal if I can persuade myself to HATE OW. I don't know what that would accomplish. In a way, I am glad I had a PA that had emotions in it than if I just went to a bar and banged some chick.

So, I may not have been as articulate as others on these boards, but for anyone who ever wanted to know what the WS thinks, what the FOG is and what WITHDRAWAL is like, there it is. I hope it helps. It sucks that it happens, but it happens. Where all human. But where there is life there is hope. And if there is a chance that anyone can make their marriages work following an A, then I wish you the best of luck.

OH, AND PLEASE REMEMBER, THE WORST THING YOU CAN DO IS TRY TO GET A RO against OP. Don't go down that road unless you are really afraid for your life. Otherwise it's a waste of time and $$$ for all involved. Let time and the NC letter do all the work. Don't drag the police and courts into your personal life. It's overrated. A piece of paper does not stop anyone from doing anything. If OP wants to kill you, a piece of paper in a filing cabinet at the court house will not stop it. If the OP goes to jail for violating the OR, then you have to watch your back for the rest of your life, because no one deserves even a day in jail.

Since I am both the WS and OP, let me tell you that I accept responsibility for anything I did wrong, but on behalf of all OP, kindly understand that we are hurt and frustrated too. OP rarely go out of their way to hurt others. They are trying to find some happiness too. Unfortunately bad judgment led them down the wrong path. No reason to ruin their life with court orders and police reports. Life is bad enough without all that. COOL YOUR HEELS and concentrate in your life, and as for the OP ---- your attitude should be "Out of sight, out of mind." YOUR life is the most important. Concentrate on your life and hopefully your life with your S and family.

<small>[ April 17, 2004, 06:04 PM: Message edited by: whiteknight ]</small>

White Knight,
Your interpetation of withdrawl and the fog is very upsetting to me. You give the BS no regard and if my WH came back to me only to have me go down on him and swallow he can hit the road running. You certainly leave very little room for recovery from an affair. If all WS feel the way you do then I would assume that an affair is the end - no matter what. I feel sorry for your BS - she obviously has no clue how selfish you are.

I believe that both the WS and BS must understand the depths and reasons of the affair, but your post not once addressed the devastation and betrayal involved in the aftermath of an affair. If you still have such strong emotions perhaps you and your pshyco OW belong together. It sounds like you both have a lot in common.

This may be all well and good but if you were unhappy in your marriage then why didn't you try and fix things? You will always love the OP well what about your S? Didn't you all love them at one time too? If love never dies then what about the love you had for them? What ever happened to talking and saying "Hey, I'm not happy, what can we do about it?" Instead you are willing to risk everything for someone you don't even know just because they make you feel good. So many BS's would have done anything to try and avoid an A but most don't know things are so bad until it happens. I think WS's take the easy way out because staying requires hard work and effort. Only when WS comes back do they want to try and do all of the things they should have been doing all along. If OP needs love and attention let them find it from someone who is free to give it to them. Why not give your S the same love you give OP and maybe everyone would be spared the nightmare of an A! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Hey Bummed, I agree!

Well goodness guy...maybe it's a 'gender' thing, but as for me..my A wasn't about the sex at all...as a matter of fact, sex with my H has been and continues to be better than it was with XOM....it was more about the attention, flattery, and all those fluttery feelings a new relationship brings...no long-term marriage can compete with that if we give into it...

I don't think all the wild sex in the world would have stopped me from cheating on my H..it was just too intense and too 'new' for me to see through that fog...I think it's more about a weakness within the cheater than it is a failure of the BS a lot of the time...nobody to blame but myself..jmho

<small>[ April 13, 2004, 01:33 PM: Message edited by: dreamcatcher ]</small>

Excuse me while I THROW UP! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

What sickening insight into the depths of depravity.Just because you fell for the smooth talking and promises of a destructive woman does not mean we should follow suit.It sounds like any other addiction that promotes this false sense of well being or excitment(I.e. CRACK).

In time this psycho would have shown her true colors only you happened to be the one that ended it first.Be GLAD.ALL relationships change over time,that is what WS's FAIL to see.You think you find the holy grail and life as you know it had never been this great! You destroy eveything in your wake and don't look back...THIS FEELING IS SO WORTH ALL OF EVERYONES PAIN!

And let's dispense with the protection of the OP shall we? Any person that enters into a relationship with the knowledge of that man/woman being married needs some serious introspection and counseling.

O

whiteknight,

There is a board for your kind .. TOW and you might want to post there.

<strong>Since I am both the WS and OP, let me tell you that I accept responsibility for anything I diod wrong, but on behalf of all OP, kindly understand that we are hurt and frustrated too. OP rarely go out of their way to hurt others. They are trying to find some happiness too. Unfortunately bad judgement led them down the wrong path. </strong>.

Yes, but your hurt is what you get and deserve meanwhile we BS got hurt from the action that thrust upon us both by WS and OP !.

You have no clue and no respect the damage that you had cause. So ON THE BEHAVE OF BS ... GIVE ME 5 MINUTES WITH YOU I WILL PUT YOU 6 feet under by then you know what HURT mean.

-rh-

Go get 'em Red Hat!

For a short while, White Knight almost had me thinking I had not been the perfect BS after DDay ....

But then I remembered that BSs need to keep their self respect and sanity, which would be near impossible if your WS was someone like White Knight!


Swallow that WhiteKnight.

WOW!!! I'm sorry that you are feeling this way. Have you thought about having your meds reevaluated? Have you thought about looking for a new counselor...perhaps one that can be of more help to you.

I'm no expert here but if your idea of recovery is having your W 'spread her legs and swollow and spank you' so that your pain of missing the OW goes away...oh boy...

To quote your words... </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">your attitude should be "Out of sight, out of mind." YOUR life is the most important. Concentrate on your life and hopefully your life with your S and family.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Perhaps you should practice what you preach. It's been 6 months and you haven't stopped thinking about the OW (and if I'm understanding she's out of sight...right?...so why isn't she out of mind?). How about concentratin on your life...the life you have with your wife...rather than concentrating on all that you lost?

WhiteKnight,

It disgusted me to read what you posted.

I have been strugglinh with the decision of whether or no to give up on my WH - to 'get on with my life'.

Like you he only thinks of good things about OW even though she has proven to be a controlling witch.

After reading what you posted, I feel it is hopeless (and like puking).

And IMO what you need to start imagining is what life will be like when your wife dumps you and moves on (which in all honesty I think she should do ASAP). You make the OW sound like such a dream come true but mention nothing about your wife's good qualities. And you know what Dr. Phil says about feeling 'bored' - it means YOU WERE BORING. So things got a little boring in your marriage and an adulteress spiced things up for ya. That's what adulteresses do - don't be naive. And it was your responsibility to keep your marriage interesting. You're still shamefully excusing your affair, keeping that psycho adulteress on a pedestal, and totally disrespecting your wife. IMO your wife shouldn't even want you back.

And after reading your post - I'm sure now I don't want my WH back either.

Your wife deserves much better than whatever leftovers a self-indulgent jerk like you has to offer. Me and my daughters deserve much more than what my foolish, selfish, love-struck (over a pig who spreads her legs for a married man) jerk of a 'husband' has to offer.

There are decent men out there who know how to protect themselves, their marriage and their families from the temptations that adulteresses offer. No women should have anything to do with the jerks like you and my WH. The problem is not that we shold compete with the sl*ts and 'go down'; weak, foolish men need to wise up and step up to the level of their faithful wives or risk losing the love of a decent woman. The OW was in NO WAY better than your wife and there's no way an adulteress can truly compete with a decent honest wife. If you and my WH are too stupid to realize that then it's your loss.

whiteknight, it was difficult for me to read your post. I actually think my H would probably relate to how you described the A beginning and progressing. That was painful for me to read because H and I might experience love and passion again, but it will never be the 1st time being with someone brand new. The fact that he allowed that is so very painful for me.

The thing about your post that disturbed me is your continued longing for your OW, even in spite of her awful character. If my H is pining away indefinitely I will not be with him. You sound like an alcoholic imagining how wonderful the drink was, how you long to have another drink.

As far as sex, I love sex. That is a killer for me too. Reading your post I wonder if H had the best sex of his entire life. Great! I'm not angry at you, but I kind of hope my H doesn't read your post. I feel like it will just remind him of his OW drug. CV

I'm given this one shot in to the depths of the still fog induced....

you better be prepared to spread your legs and go down on him and swallow or whatever. Let him spank you or tie you up or whatever he wants. I do not want to come across like some lowlife pervert, but that's what he's been getting from OW, and that's that.

see all of that...that's the easy stuff...way feel good touchy touchy easy easy stuff..
...
you want THAT....20dollar make you hollar...sold on many a city street corners....

and equating that with love from the OW>..that's easy also...and superficial....

OP may grab on to the sexual side of the relationship,..because it's the easy stuff...
it's the direct competition with the spouse in action ..
It is the OPs desperate attempt to impact their married lover...on a 'real' level...

.for it is the spouse at home with the history...
the memories...
the good times...
and the bad times that somehow also get muddled through......
and the cheating OP knows that to their soul...

when you equate this wild sex used to fill up otherwise what would be ackward moments and elevate them to be equal with useful love and other things of value...that's just your fog induced rationalization.....

All of these encounters you describe...are just escapes...not of a bleak reality...but of a reality with a balance of all things....

you speak so onesided of your affair...as if this OP came in to your life...and you were just there suffering at the hands of your mundane life and marriage...and they saved you and showed you the light...

yet each moment up to that meeting the OP...was of your creation....
you chose the attitude to meet each moment with...

and the OP filled nothing inside of you that you yourself did not create to be there...

your OP that gave you all that energy and attention...received it back from you...energy and attention YOU took from your spouse and your marriage....and your belief that you are some victim of seeing the light and a good life with the OP....as if you had no creation in your poorly perceived life prior to your affair is where YOU lack the inisight on fixing this and YOU yourself....

the irony whiteknight...is you will say that BS are too bitter
too hurt
to hear the truth in your words...

You will continue to suffer as long as you believe that someone came in to your life and created out of nothing all these wonders you spout in your post...
the power to create what you speak of lies with in you....

marriages do not exist outside of our beings..they are exactly what we create them to be...

my marriage...sounds exactly like your affair...because that is what happens when two people place their energy into the marriage and not outside of it....

except the equation of sex and love....

ARK

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Imagine you meet someone who has a crush on you. Whether of not YOU think the OP is ugly or pretty doesn't matter. There are plenty of ugly kids in the world, but no parent will admit their child is ugly. The simple truth of the matter is, when you care abut someone, they become beutiful in front of your eyes, and that is enough.

Imagine the person you meet smiles when they see you, they are happy to see you, they tell you how wonderful you are, and how attractive you are, that they always dreamed about meeting someone like you.

Imagine this person cares about how your day is and they want to know about your life and they tell you how proud they are of you.

Imagine this person leans in one day and kisses you and you feel like a 16 year old again. All these wonderful chemicals are zooming through your body. Your skin tingles. You feel warm and a bit sweaty.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Now, whiteknight, YOU imagine that I feel this way about my WW, and have every day for more than eight years. Yet as both a WS and OP, you have done everything that you possibly can to tear this down for (at least) two other people. Impressive....

Ethan

All I can gather enough strength to say is I am speechless. Totally and utterly speechless. I have been on this rollercoaster ride for so long now, and to read this just took the knife that has punctured my heart and twisted it. I don't know what to say. It takes a lot to make me speechless.

NY

Whiteknight,

Your post has been very painful for me to read and I'm sure many BS and probably some WS's feel the same...

I remember that you mentioned in some of your other postings that your W does not know about your A.

I can also feel a lot of pain in your message - not just withdrawal pain, but also pain from living with the guilt that you did something like this and I'm not so sure if you REALLY feel that this has really been worth it all the time.

My own H also told me that our life had become boring and routine and the relationship with OW was an escape from reality for him.

This is exactly what it is, Whiteknight:

AN ESCAPE FROM REALITY!

But eventually, it will reality will come back to haunt you. Unfortunately, it has its way of rearing its pretty head sooner or later.

I guess that is called LIFE!

Being married for a long time is not always easy because unfortunately the honeymoon period only lasts for so long - there are children to raise, businesss to run, jobs, unemployments, illnesses, deaths, bills, chores... The list is endless. It is what you make of this TOGETHER what amounts to a successful marriage and intimacy.

Of course it feels good to have someone who makes you feel good about yourself, strokes your ego, does the kamasutra in bed and much more...

You want the first six months of a relationship over and over again.... What a lonely and unfulfilling life that would be...

Think about it...

Kati

You know, I mentioned several times how helpful it was for WS and OP to be at this site and to see all the pain and destruction that has been caused. A lot of us see that and experienced that and made the effort to move on and fix the damage.

But based on the reaction here, it seems too may BS are filled with so much rage and hatred for the OP and obviously sickened by the actions of the WS, that you don't want to see what the S has gone through and is going through.

I gave you a glimpse into "what the enemy thinks" and instead of taking that information and figuring out the best game plan to help you win the war, you turned on me for being the enemy. I have seen this happen way too many times on these boards.

So whose advice and information do you want? Is it always going to be "misery loves company" and just take advice from other BS; some of whom made their relationships work, and others who are still struggling or failed.

Geez, you all need to take it easy! I'm not looking for friends here. I don't even have to come around anymore. But I am doing the best i can to offer some insight from THIS SIDE. Remember, NONE OF YOU BS have been on THIS SIDE! I have been! No one on THIS SIDE is giving you any useful advice on what it's like! And where has it gotten any of you?

Look at MOMTO3BOYS! Where has everyone's advice gotten her! No one knows what her H is going through, and how they can really help her reach her goals; but just keep telling her to tell him NC! NC! NC! As if that is the big answer to everything! It's NOT!

I am sorry that a lot of you are hurt. But your S had an A! That is NOT my fault! Your S hooked up with someon else and I wanted you to know what your S went through, and might still be going through. Sorry if you don't like it. That doesn't mean it doesn't exist or that nothing happened.

I'll just shut up from now on and watch everyone give the same damn advice day after day. They should change the name of this site to MISERY LOVES COMPANY because that's all anyone seems to want.

Maybe its all the BS who are really in the FOG, huh? Make believe your WS was really scammed by some jerk guy or some slut and that will make you feel better and everything will be wonderful again, right?

In the future ---- Don't shoot the messenger.

HERE IT IS AGAIN. I AM SURE SOMEONE OUT THERE WOULD BE INTERESTED IN KNOWING WHAT THE WS THINKS; OUTSIDE OF YOUR FANTASY OF WHAT GOES ON IN THEIR HEAD.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Let me begin by saying I am amazed that there is not a board here for CHEATERS and OPs to vent and ask questions about what they are going through. I understand that this site is about MARRIAGE BUILDING, but I think a lot of BS can learn a lot when they know what the OP and WS think. Sure our comments pop up a lot throughout the boards, but there isn't one place specifically where the BS can go and really dig in deep for some research.

Anyway, I have learned more about marriage and hope and recovery and so much more in the last couple of months by being here than I ever did while in the FOG of my A. But I have learned very little about what people like me are going through and how to deal with our emotions.

So let me tell all BS what you are up against.

Imagine you meet someone who has a crush on you. Whether of not YOU think the OP is ugly or pretty doesn't matter. There are plenty of ugly kids in the world, but no parent will admit their child is ugly. The simple truth of the matter is, when you care abut someone, they become beautiful in front of your eyes, and that is enough.

Imagine the person you meet smiles when they see you, they are happy to see you, they tell you how wonderful you are, and how attractive you are, that they always dreamed about meeting someone like you.

Imagine this person cares about how your day is and they want to know about your life and they tell you how proud they are of you.

Imagine this person leans in one day and kisses you and you feel like a 16 year old again. All these wonderful chemicals are zooming through your body. Your skin tingles. You feel warm and a bit sweaty.

Imagine the time comes when you can be alone with the OP. The OP slides their hand down your pants or up your shirt. The OP wraps their arms around you and squeezes you tight and tell you they want to make love with you.

Imagine having sex with someone like you never had sex before. Imagine the OP does things to you or allows you to do things that your S would never do ... or gave up doing. Imagine FINALLY having an amazing sex life!

Imagine having a secret. Yes, you know it is wrong and you might not consider yourself to be a liar, but imagine that your daily routine for so many years is suddenly different. Your life has been a walk in the desert for so long and you have finally come to an oasis. You can relax under a tree and refresh yourself in a cool waterfall. Close your eyes and imagine that someone has come along who takes you by the hand and leads you to the top of a mountain and shows you that there is more to life than what you have been immersed in for so long. Imagine how great this would be if you are tired and bored and restless and frustrated that time keeps passing you by.

Imagine feeling like you can have a new lease on life. No one goes into a marriage or starts a family and expects to fail ... but ...

Imagine meeting someone who makes you feel different from you ever felt or have felt in so long. Do you LOVE this person? You don't know. Do you care about this person? Yes, Do you see all the OP flaws right now? No. Are you looking for them? No. Will your S freak out if the A is revealed? yes, Do you freely admit it and hurt the S? NO! NO! NO!

Do you drag this out as long as you can? Of course you do! Are you aware that your judgment is bad? Yes, Are you aware that the OP is showing bad judgment? Yes,

ARE YOU IN A FOG! Of course you are! You can't see 10 feet in front of you! You have no idea what the future really holds, but you have your fantasies. You imagine the GOOD times lasting forever. You imagine your OP treating you wonderfully forever.

Imagine not knowing what to do. You have a S and a OP. Two people you care about and you know you have to choose one and the other will be terribly hurt. You don't want to hurt anyone.

BUT FOR WHATEVER REASON YOU FINALLY CHOOSE TO RETURN TO YOUR S and / or family.

Now you have to deal with WITHDRAWAL.

I have been suffering though withdrawal for nearly 6 months. Until I started taking LEXIPRO, I would sometimes be up all night and down all day. I could not concentrate on my work. I would stare into space, wondering where OW was and how she was. Sadly, she and her H files all sorts of false criminal allegations against me and got a RO!!!! She also went on a rampage to destroy my business. She has bugged the hell out of my family and friends. So there was no chance of my hooking up with her again, but I still thought about her. She was and sometimes still is the first thought in my head when I woke up in the morning and the last before I went (go) to sleep at night. I called suicide hotline once, but the lady just listened and wasn't very helpful. I am in IC right now, but I'm just dealing with some 25 year old grad student with no life experience who doesn't know what to say.

Withdrawal sucks. I miss the attention. I miss the sex. I miss the way she looked at me. I miss her phone calls. I miss her laugh. I miss my friend.

Yes, I am glad I have my honesty and integrity back, but I also miss what I lost.

The secret formula for getting though withdrawal? ADs, if necessary. Time. Lots of time! Love and attention from S and others. And a change of scenery, change of routine, something new and exciting to look forward to.

I am moving 3 states away and starting a new company. I am so excited about this, that it now consumes most of my time.

HOW CAN YOU MAKE YOUR SITUATION BETTER?

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> If your S chose the OP, he or she can go home every night and be with someone who is thrilled out of their mind to see them. A lot of love and attention and great sex is waiting for them.

But your WS chose you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> And you are pissed. You are filled with resentment. You are suspicious, you are cold and distant. Sex might suck. Your S is NOT looking forward to coming home. Your S feels like a piece of garbage in your eyes.

So, my advice for anyone reading this is to balance the scales as quickly as possible. You need to win your WS back, but you also need to offer what your WS lost. You have to. There are no other options.

If your W was the WS, then based on what I have learned here, you better give her all the time and love and attention you can. Because she wants to be loved. She needs more attention than you ever gave her before. And you better et rolling with the sex too!

If your H was the WS, then based on what I have learned here, you better be prepared to spread your legs and go down on him and swallow or whatever. Let him spank you or tie you up or whatever he wants. I do not want to come across like some lowlife pervert, but that's what he's been getting from OW, and that's that. Of course, mixing in some interest in his life, and love and attention is important too.

In my case, my OW gave me things I never thought I needed. I always came from a very loving family and got lots of respect and attention and I took those things for granted. I never felt like I needed praise from anyone. I didn't think my ego needed it. But when I met OW and she looked at me like she loved me and told me I was special and respected me ad was proud of me, it felt really good. Sure, the sex was incredible too, but what I really craved was all the attention she showered upon me. It felt good.

As many of you know, my OW turned out to be a psycho after I broke it off. She has sought revenge in ways that defy explanation. But I still think about the good times. I still think about your eyes and her soft touches. Once you love someone, you can't UNlove them. I don't have kids, but I guess it's no different from parent forgiving their child for stealing from. The bond was created and it can't be broken. I don't know if it would help me to heal if I can persuade myself to HATE OW. I don't know what that would accomplish. In a way, I am glad I had a PA that had emotions in it than if I just went to a bar and banged some chick.

So, I may not have been as articulate as others on these boards, but for anyone who ever wanted to know what the WS thinks, what the FOG is and what WITHDRAWAL is like, there it is. I hope it helps. It sucks that it happens, but it happens. Where all human. But where there is life there is hope. And if there is a chance that anyone can make their marriages work following an A, then I wish you the best of luck.

OH, AND PLEASE REMEMBER, THE WORST THING YOU CAN DO IS TRY TO GET A RO against OP. Don't go down that road unless you are really afraid for your life. Otherwise it's a waste of time and $$$ for all involved. Let time and the NC letter do all the work. Don't drag the police and courts into your personal life. It's overrated. A piece of paper does not stop anyone from doing anything. If OP wants to kill you, a piece of paper in a filing cabinet at the court house will not stop it. If the OP goes to jail for violating the OR, then you have to watch your back for the rest of your life, because no one deserves even a day in jail.

Since I am both the WS and OP, let me tell you that I accept responsibility for anything I did wrong, but on behalf of all OP, kindly understand that we are hurt and frustrated too. OP rarely go out of their way to hurt others. They are trying to find some happiness too. Unfortunately bad judgment led them down the wrong path. No reason to ruin their life with court orders and police reports. Life is bad enough without all that. COOL YOUR HEELS and concentrate in your life, and as for the OP ---- your attitude should be "Out of sight, out of mind." YOUR life is the most important. Concentrate on your life and hopefully your life with your S and family. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

whiteknight

I'm sure there are many others who care about the pain the BSs have gone through who will be happy to share in order to help them understand the mind of a WS.. I am sure they dont need you to try to help them gain any insight from someone 'who has been on this side of the fence' .. white give us all a break.

You cheated on a wife with someone you refer to in less than glowing terms and yet act as if you still miss her. You should be the one trying hard to make things work at home, you should be so full of remorse, and you should not post something so ignorant here again.

c_p

<small>[ April 13, 2004, 04:07 PM: Message edited by: craving_peace ]</small>

Whiteknight,

From my own perspective, I have to admit that it was helpful for me to read your post about the fog and withdrawal, eventhough I think that I already pretty much knew what it must be like. I remember breaking up with my first bf at age 18 because I knew there was not really any future for him and me and it hurt like hell because I
still loved him and cared for him and I missed the way he made me feel. Maybe it was not as strong as your feeling, but I think that I had at least a glimpse of this feeling.

I don't see you as the enemy and I actually found some of your words very interesting. If NC is not the answer though, then what is? Continue learning how to meet the needs of the WS, but then how can the BS ever compete with the newness of the relationship that you had with the OW? She can't; it's impossible. No matter if she spreads her legs every night, gives awesome BJ's and engages in tantric sex.

My question to you is why did you decide to stay with your wife and why did you decide not to tell her about your A? Maybe it is especially hard for you to recover because those needs of yours are not being met because your spouse has no idea? Tell me.

Kati

From the replies here, whiteknight must have erased and changed his beginning message???
Oh, I see it is back, I will read it now!

I found this message from whiteknight concerning someone that was suicidal so it shows he does have a caring heart underneath all his heartless words!

"whiteknight
Junior Member
Member # 34001

posted April 02, 2004 10:08 AM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"mtheart,

IF YOU ARE READING THIS, PLEASE REPLY RIGHT NOW. WE ARE ALL VERY CONCERNED ABOUT YOU.

Let us know if you are talking to anyone, or if you need one of us to call you. I will call you right now. I don't care where you are in the world.

LET US KNOW HOW YOU ARE.

You will be all right. Look at the big picture. Look at your life as more than TODAY. The future is more important than today. Believe me."

<small>[ April 13, 2004, 04:02 PM: Message edited by: Blessed TIME ]</small>