chackler:

Thanks for the advice. I do intend on telling W all when it happens ... but geez, how and when do I do that? What a soap opera my life has become.

OK< so advice, friends. HOW did BS tell YOU? WHEN did it happen? Over the phone - seems safe! during dinner, in front of an emergency room?

WS ---- how did YOU do it?

I haven't a clue how to do it. I feel like when I finally get the guts I will open my mouth and nothing will come out. It's going to take more strength than I have ever known because I NEVER tried to hurt her before, and this is going out of my way to hurt her.

Even the way I broke up with OW was wimpy. She was bugging the heck out of me with crazy stories, real freaky stuff that I could not believe and I told her I did not believe some of the strange things she was saying and I walked away from her. I did not look back. She called after me that if I walked away it was over between un. That's what I wanted. kept on walking. But I would never had the guts to look her in the eyes and break it off. That would have been hard as hell. She had a strong grip on me. She probably would have started crying, I would have held her, and she would have started kissing me, and I would have melted. That's just the way it was. I have been tough in a lot of ways in my life, but when it comes to things like this, I'm just a jellyfish.

Hi WK,

My suggestion for getting support to help tell your W of the affair is to create a separate thread and post the title accordingly.

Example:

"White Knight needs help with disclosing A to W"

It should yield plenty of responses.

Good luck!
Jo

WK,

Well my H found out of the A the first time by asking. He told me that I had a pained look on my face and I looked like I just wasn't happy. So I just flat out told him that I was attracted to someone else - sat on the couch on a Sunday afternoon in March. He asked me to end it, which I said I did but did not(lie #1). Then two weeks ago he asked if I was still talking to OM. I lied (lie#2) and said I didn't. Come to find out I was talking about the guy in my sleep! Jeez - I am a HORRIBLE LIAR!!! Anyway H asks again on Tuesday if I talked to him and I said no (lie #3) and this time even tried to make him feel guilty and stupid for asking!!! Can you believe that? I am so ashamed of that and will be for the rest of my life. Then hubby goes on the computer and because of a problem the computer saved a chat from OM and I from this past Monday. It all came out, well most and then the rest came out yesterday. So I guess in answer to your question, it all came out in private - not in public thank goodness.

I feel like utter crap for how I handled this but at the same time so RELIEVED that it's finally all out. I feel like now we can seriously get back to our marriage and working things out. I'm telling ya White Knight, being rid of that burden will be a blessing to you...

Carol

<small>[ April 16, 2004, 05:39 PM: Message edited by: chackler ]</small>

Agree with Jo! Start a thread and get opinions on the best way to break it to her and set a date. It won't be easy no matter how you do it, but there are certain things you can do to make it better.

I have a question that may be a little off target at the moment but it has been bothering me ever since I read your original post. You had said something about OW being so hot and wild in bed, and how you think she's so beautiful. Well, you couldn't possibly have known what she was like in bed before you had sex. Just because someone can kiss good doesn't mean they're a good lover, and a pretty face is a dime a dozen, and a lot of people make me feel good but that doesn't mean I want to screw them. So I'm asking, are you in love with the person or the illusion of her? Obviously if you had known her psycho behavior before you went to bed would you be "so in love?" So what do us BS's do now that our S's have moved in with the OW? Any suggestions? I have to admit it was hard to hear what you wrote, but I happen to love sex and would have done just about anything if only I'd known what he wanted. Doesn't he have a responsibility to let me know if he is unhappy? How long does it take for the fog to lift? In some ways I wish I hadn't known about the A. It literally destroyed my life. Good luck and if you or anyone coule answer my questions I'd appreciate it.

my A story is posted under "new member-peaceandlove" if anyone wants to know details.pal

Haven't read the whole thread, but after the first couple pages, wanted to vent--

I got cheated again!

If being perverted and giving blow jobs is supposed to get the WS back, our recovery should have started like within a week! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

And how I found out--

I was napping on the couch, and he called the OW. I woke up and heard him talking really low, saying "don't worry, she's asleep". I already knew what was going on, had been questioning him for about a week, knew (and told him) he was lying, and that's all I needed for him to come clean.

I think he was surprised by my reaction--it wasn't a huge surprise because I already knew. I was very calm and actually relieved that he finally decided to be honest--the anger didn't come until later.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> are you in love with the person or the illusion of her? Obviously if you had known her psycho behavior before you went to bed would you be "so in love?"
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">


I am sure I answered this before. At first she was just a friend. The first kiss was weird. It was like kissing a sister. Was I in love with her? Geez, I don't know anymore. It was definately a great friendship and attraction and we got into the routine of talking together. There were definately strong feelings there. I am not the type of guy who could go and pick up a girl and have sex. I've only been with a handful in my life. I guess I've "loved" all my girlfriends, it was all just a matter of degree.

In my own defense, I sort of knew about her psycho behavior before hand. I mean, for crying out loud, she has been an aspiring actress and model for nearly 20 years! Very pretty, but sometimes I thought she had a box of rocks in her head. Very low self-esteem. Very insecure. Never worked except at Hooters. Lazy. Thinks she's going to be famous someday. Lots of emotional problems. She's no one's prize. I used to tell myself, "She's the perfect mistress, but would be a terrible wife!"


</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So what do us BS's do now that our S's have moved in with the OW? Any suggestions? I have to admit it was hard to hear what you wrote, but I happen to love sex and would have done just about anything if only I'd known what he wanted.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

I guess I wrote what I wrote because my terrible sex life with W is what led me to do what I did. I should have tried harder to fix things in my marriage, but an opportunity presented tself to me, and I am ashamed to say, I took advantage of it.

I don't know what the options ar eonce the H moves out. Especially if he is with OW. I know that if I would have left W for OW, I would definately missed W in the long run. W is who I trust. OW was a liar. I knew tht then, and I know that now.


</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Doesn't he have a responsibility to let me know if he is unhappy?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Golly, I sure as heck know that now! Actually, I told y W all the time how unhappy I was with our sex life. When I would tell her how long it was since we had sex, she would answer, "That's not true!" or "I don't count the days," etc. My W never cared. She just kept watching TV. She never took the time to find out how we can fix things.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How long does it take for the fog to lift? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If H is still with OW, he will remain in fog. It's not that he can't see his way out, but he probably doe snot want to admit it. I for one stayed in the A for a long time because I did not want to admit I made such a bad mistake. I alost wanted things to work out somehow so I would at least justify my bad behavior. Even now, when she is doing all these horrible things to me, it hurts a lot to know I once had a friend who I trusted and cared about and who can tun on me with fangs gleaming.

Either H needs to be driven away by OW, which cna happen once the "honey moon feeling" is over ... or he needs to realize where his true priorities are and return to the one who really cares about him.

I hope this helps.

Thanks Whiteknight it helped a lot. I just wish I knew what to do now. WS's affair started out as "just a piece of a**" and he supposedly fell in love in 3 days. OW told me this too. (Yeah, and she was so hot & wild in bed. He always told me I was great and no other woman could take my place). We were best friends before we ever had any kind of physical relationship. Neither one of us was seeing anyone else when we got together. Now I have to hear how he "never loved me" and she is the love of his life. All this after 13 yrs..

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Now I have to hear how he "never loved me" and she is the love of his life. All this after 13 yrs..
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So sorry to hear that. There is NO excuse for saying that to you. I had a girlfriend say that to me once and it was a knife right into my heart. Some things are better left unsaid; even if they are true. But it is probably not true.

Once again, he is very deep in FOG and he does not want to admit he made a mstake and will go out of his way to syat in the fog so his ego doesn't take such a blow. I did. Heck, I still do! I still don't want to admit my OW is a compulsive liar and monster because I don't want to admit I could be so stupid and see that.

In some ways I wonder what is worse --- someone HIDING somethin from their S or someone saying something cruel to their spouse to hurt them. I think I can forgive someone who did something wrong and did not want to hurt me quicker than I could forgive someone who went out of their way to hurt me.

Then again, I just saw on TV that JAMES BROWN is marrying his W again --- the one who filed restraining orders against him, had him thrwon in jail, etc! Wow, he really knows how to forgive!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Cyn1018:
So what do us BS's do now that our S's have moved in with the OW? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Go into Plan A! And do the BEST you can...that means no LBing at all! Call him, he's your H, you have a rigth to talk to him...Invite him over for dinner...do you have kids? If so, have him come by and put them to bed, give them bathes...that is if they are young...not sure if a teenager would want to have a bath given to him <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How long does it take for the fog to lift? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If the WS is still seeing the OW, then the fog will not lift. Ever. My H ended his affair on march 26 and he is still in Fogland...not as much as he was a month ago...but I can still see it...he even admits it. And it IS a rollercoaster ride.


Whitknight...how did I find out about my H affair...The weekend before he disclosed it he had gone racing and unbeknownst to me he took OW with him <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> he was not happy...Usually he LOVES to go racing. He was depressed when he left and depressed when he returned. He called me a few times from down there and he wasn't himself. Although the affair had been going on for weeks already. I was sleeping at the wheel as he told OW <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

That Monday, we got into an arguement and rather than apologizing to me as he normally does, he didn't. He asked if I wanted him to sleep in the bed with me that night and I said "do what you want to do" so he slept upstairs. The next day he came home late again from work. i told him I made an appt for counselling..he said we needed to talk, but then tried to back out of talking...so we sat down on opposite ends of the couch. I said "talk"...he didnt' say anything if I remember correctly...I said "are you in love with someone else" he said "NO" I said "are you ahving an affair" he said "NO" I repeated myself with a very firm voice...I dont know why I did that. but the second time he said "YES" I ran and cried my eyes out. He didn't come in the room...I cam back out and started questioning him...who is she, when, why...

so that is how ours was exposed. the next three weeks were living hell for me as H was still in the A...and the rest is history!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Cyn1018:
<strong> Now I have to hear how he "never loved me" and she is the love of his life. All this after 13 yrs.. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Cyn...this is all FOG TALK! that is all it is...he does not love the OW it is a fantasy. Do not listen to any of his FOG TALK...I know it is hard to hear, but you have to realize it is not true.

My H laughs at the crap he told me during his A...he actually told me the last day of it that he never wanted to see his kids again! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I just looked at him and said "OK, if that is what you want...I hope youknow what you are doing" a nd walked off.

You have to learn to just ignore it. Dont talk about the relationship, just do the BEST Plan A you can.

Want to know even more about how bad THE FOG and WITHDRAWEL is? I did not mention this before because sometimes thins just hit me, even now, but one of the reasons I did not end the A sooner is because I did not want OW to be with someone else! Isn't that crazy! We were both cheaters, but I was worried about her giving all that great sex and attention (which I thought was MINE!) to someone else.

And even now I sometimes wonder --- is she back with her H? The guy she despised so much that she was trying to divorce? Or was she so excited to see that there is another life outside of being with her H, that she is doing all sorts of guys now? Does she hate me today? Does she love me?

Based on what I have learned here at MB, it seems the ONLY people who have one A after another are serial Adulturers (sp?). Truth is, I hope she is back with her H and doing the best she can to make her M work (even though he has major, major, major issues with emotional abuse and sexual orientation), rather than jumping into bed with one guy after another insome twizted attempt to have great sex and find great love. I say this not so much because I wish her well, but because in some ways I'd actually be jelous! Sick, huh? I can't help it. I'm sure it will pass, however. I mean, I don;t care who my ex-girlfriends from H.S. are banging now.

The FOG follows. Withdrawel sucks and it drags on and pops up again and again.

The GOOD things I got out of the A, I could have gotten elsewhere. It was not worth all this drama.

Sometimes I wonder if my H feels the same about his OW. He's been in this EA for eight years now-off and on. His OW in the meanwhile got married, got divorced, broken engagement, several other BF's, is now engaged again. However, a few weeks ago, he told me that she also talks to other men about her issues as well, a few of them also married. Maybe she is just a woman who loves attention from other men. Many women do; it's just that some do not establish appropriate boundaries.

One of my husband's friends said to me at one time that he thinks my husband is pretty jealous, especially when it comes to other men showing interest in me, his wife. I find this very strange since HE is the one in the EA with OW.

How would you feel, WK, if you discovered that your W had an EA or a PA?

I would never cheat on my husband, but there have been times where I have wondered that maybe this A is not so much about me, but rather him and how he feels as a person.

Kati

So then is it fog first and then withdrawl???

The A is most definately about how the WS feels about himself / herself. I mean, during the A she told me she would never have cheated on her H before she met me and never will again if things didn't wor about between she and I. She was in love. I am not sure if I felt the same way. Truth is, I did see a lot of her flaws during A, and wish I had an A with someone else (Woe! That sounds crazy!!!!)

In my experience, the Fog is what I was in during the A, the Withdrawel obviously came afterword, but sometimes the Fog still follows. Sometimes I think WHAT IF concerning the A. Maybe my situation is a bit different because the OW won't take her clutches out of me and let me heal. She is still throwing flames at me from the pits of hell I escaped from.

That's why I suggested to PAL and others to lay off when the A ends. The last thing anyone wants is to be thought of as the FATAL ATTRACTION nutcase. Sadly, that is what OW is telling people I AM, even though I am the one who broke up with her!

No one here needs me to say this. You all know it; but --- there s something wrong with OW to hook up with a married M. And that goes the other way too; obviously. When should people hook up? When they're single! It's not a christian thing. It's not a jewish thing. It's not a muslim think. It's not a taoist thing. It has nothing to do with the 10 commandments. It's the RIGHT thing. And that's enough.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by chackler:
<strong> So then is it fog first and then withdrawl??? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The Fog is when the S is IN the affair...withdrawal comes AFTER the A has ENDED!

Think of it as a heroin addiction. The OP is the heroin...you are addicted to the OP(heroin) therefore are you the same as you were before you took the drug? NO, you are under the influence of the drug (OP, heroin)...when people are under the influence they do and say CRAZY things! So when the A is still going on the WS is in the FOG (under the influence)...once you give up the heroin, what happens? You go thru withdrawal...just like any other addiction...you have to go thru withdrawal.

HTH!

WK - do we have private messenging?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> WK - do we have private messenging? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't know. Sometimes I feel like a computer illiterate. I'm all for it, though. How do we do it?

I'll ask a mod...