Notice the little d in divorce. I hate to give it respect. But I do think it's where I'm headed.<P>It's late, after 10:00 and I have to be up at 5:10 am. I can't sleep. I posted earlier about my life lately, esp. with my H. He has stopped saying he loves me at the end of phone calls, he's still insanely jealous for reasons I don't understand anymore because he DOES NOT LOVE me and has asked to move on the first of the month. <P>I'm not gonna bit*ch and complain on this post. I'm just gonna lay it on the line. He doesn't love me. I've tried to be there, to comfort, to promise to be his, to apologize over and over, to make love to him, to hold him when he's hurting, to listen to his attractions to other women, and to listen to his fears about other men. I have come here so often that he honestly thinks I'm having an affair with someone on this board. HONESTLY. I live here because I'm TRYING to gleen from others, trying to find the truth, trying to get support and caring from others in my position (and some not in my place, but in his), trying to find my way back to a happy loving marriage. He won't let me. He tells me he loved me - "ed" being the operative part of the word, but doesn't any longer. He just doesn't want me any more. It hurts, but frankly I'm just so tired. Too tired.<P>Tonight I did something I have only done once before in my life. I talked to a man in a chat room. I stay away from chat rooms because they are dangerous places for lonely women. But tonight, I went there and chatted with a man. Nothing happened, no cyber sex crap or anything, just talking about (what else but) his marriage and mine. Another happy camper, you can guess. Did I feel better? NO, not really. But here's what I felt. I'm not alone. That's all I felt. I'm not alone.<P>And so, at the beginning of next month I will be alone in reality and in spirit. Without the man I've spent my entire adult life with. Without the man who fathered my children. Without the man who made me whole, who saved me from myself when I was 21, who I forgave when he strayed, but who can't forgive me.<P>And where will I go? That, dear friends, remains to be seen. I will hang around here, if not only to rip apart the Carlton's of the world who think they have the world in their hands. And I'll be here to offer support to those who have failed, like I have, but who want to get up and try again. I will be here to share your ambitions, your hopes and dreams, your victories... and yes, I'll be here when you fall, when you hurt, when you crash and burn. <P>Thank you all for hanging with me for this short time. I really thought my H and I could beat this. I guess I came too late.<P>Love and hugs to all,<BR>~Sheryl

I'm pretty new to posting replies but I'm no newbie to this board, and I can say that it WAS encouraging to see the lower case "D" in your post! How do YOU feel? Are your feelings the same as H's? If not, and judging from the lower case "D", you still have the desire to go forth from this indespicably painful place to full and complete restoration! It CAN happen and it does! It is a process, you know this already I'm sure! But when all hope is lost, just around the bend lies our "second wind"! Hang on to that. Your name you've chosen signifies that! "New Beginings"! Don't forget that. Hang in and LOVE LOVE LOVE! I truly believe that this is the key! How many times have I felt like giving up because of some comment or argument we have had. But when we all settle down with our emotions in tact, we come to that fence again and swing our leg over once again and start over! Would you rather have one moment of "Loveliness" or a lifetime of "Really Good"?! We all have to make that decision for ourselves, but I'm pretty sure that many of us would love the lifetime of "Pretty good"! Take stock of what you both DO have and leave the rest behind, forgive, love, have patience, and let God do the rest! He IS able! Most imortantly when we are not. I pray that he will bring healing to your torn hearts.<BR>God Bless. <BR>Me

Dear Sheryl<BR>I am so sorry for you you sound so down, don't let it get you down rise above the sh*ty situation you will come out on top I know that. Why you may ask do I know that? Because you are strong.<BR>I will pray for for you for the strenght to carry on and to forward from here to better things happy things, I am sorry for your loss.<P>Jenny<P>------------------<BR>Where have all the cowboys gone ?<BR>Paula Cole<P><BR>

You are better than that. You deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. If loser husband guy won't, then you are better off without him. I've been there and been through the whole 9 yards (separation, eligible for divorce in December). It was probably the hardest thing I have ever done. But now that I don't have to live with this "I love you but I'm not in love with you" crap, (what the hell does that mean anyway?), I feel a lot better. Once you start over and put your life back together you will begin to feel a whole lot better. From my experience, it will be months before your husband starts to realize what he gave up, a year before he stops blaming you, another year before he starts to see the other woman for what she is. And he will still have and a long long way before he can start to take some of his responsibility for what happened. Have you got 5 years to live like this?

new beginning - <P>I am so sorry for what is happening to you. You have been through so much and it seems that it can only go down more. Don't despair! A divorce is not necessarily inevitable. My W filed as you know, but I have not given up hope.<P>It's a shame...here you are the (current) betrayer in your situation wanting to make your marriage work while your H wants out; at the same time my W (the betrayer) wants out while I want the marriage to work. I say it's a shame because if we had each other's spouses, all four of us would be doing what we really want to do!<P>I know it appears bleak now, please don't give up hope. God knows how you feel and if you believe in His promise to you, things will work out. It may not be with your H, but things WILL get better. Give your problems to Him and ask for His help.<P>I'll be praying for you.

well... H left me a note this morning. He read a couple of posts of mine last night (don't know which ones but they all say how lonely, sad, etc. I am). He says he loves me but can't get over this. He wants to, but he can't. I have no idea what it means, but at least he doesn't hate me.<P>And so I go, once again, to the workplace from hell where the OM resides. Another day of "we're friends, no we're co-workers, no we're nothing, stay away, no come back". Literally, every day there is the same. It begins in the parking lot. Where to park the car. Seriously. Far away from his because H could come by and he gets mad if our car is in the same row. I'm not kidding. In fairness, H hasn't done that in a couple of weeks though. But it was that bad.<P>As always, thanks for listening and caring. I feel like such an Eeyore (from Winnie the Pooh??) Oh, woe is me... <P>I have never felt so consistently gawd-awful in my entire life. I am SO SORRY. This is not my personality at all. Really, I'm nice and funny and fun! Now, if only I could find those qualities again!

i understand how you feel...i am separating also because my husband has stayed involved in his affair largely because i think he didn't really try to forgive me for mine...<BR>BUT one thing did jump out at me...YOU STILL WORK WITH THE OM!!! get out of there...for yourself..and i might add i think it is probably impossible for your H to deal with the anxiety every day of the two of you being in the same place...he can't even begin to heal until you make more of a separation. and i don't care if 'nothing' is really going on..(and i know better)...get out of there.<P>------------------<BR>Kellie<BR>Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough<P>

nb<BR>First of all don't be sorry!!!<BR>You are allowed to be down. This is the place for you to get it out.<BR>Now forgive me but I'm a little irritated with your H. He says he CAN'T get over it?<BR>That is a cop out. Does he think this is all magically going to go away if you separate? He is still going to have to get over it one way or another. Wouldn't it be better to get over it together? I've been there. I know it isn't easy to get over. But I knew that the pain would be there even if our marriage ended. Probably more pain.<BR>I'm sure you know this and I guess what I'm saying is more directed at your H. Have you asked him if he thinks that it will all disappear if you quit trying together? <BR>I'm sorry if I'm out of line. I just think it's better if one can look beyond this moment and consider the consequences. I get the feeling he isn't doing that.<BR>Take care of yourelf. You are that fun person you were talking about. You are just buried in your pain right now.<BR>

kelstill,<P>read my second post on "right back where I started from" it explains why I work with OM. Long story, but you'll understand.<P>Thanks everyone for your concern and wisdom, as always.<P>I'll keep you posted. Very, very bad day again. H called this morning - at work - and it's another stuffed sinus day since I can't burst into tears at work. Too much pain.