Tinman, I read your other thread. You are really brave. I wish I have done that. But I am on the edge of plan B now. Only to see how to arrange the kids. Thank you fro your hugs.

Hi CristyV

It is just FOG TALK! Please read MB as I know you do. In the end you'll be convinced of that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I can not do this anymore. I am just emotionally tired. I am hoping that a real Plan B will free me from some of it. Either way, I am ready to move on.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Plan B will free you from it. At the begining it will be very hard, look out for friends and family.

Let me tell you about my messed up plan B. I know I didn't did a good or even bad plan B, mine was the worst of them all. I needed to have his fix so badly, that I ended up contacting him every once in a while with excuses. Of course he also needed to some degree my fix (sad to say not as badly as I did). In the end it only prolonged my hurt and agony <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> . How blind I was. And I can tell you I did that without even realizing it. It took a dear friend to tell me this for me to realize it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> .

Just when I sort of stuck to my guns is when H saw the difference. It took me a whole year to understand this and many things, and I still do not others. It is a proccess. I know you want this to end fast, so you can recover fast. But none of this things are going to happen. Your M has been on the down slope for some time, the result was the A. Yes I know bad choice. Is going to take a long way up and some time to get even on regular territory. Do not pay attention to his words now.

In many aspects I feel like I lost a year of my life.

Plan B will work for you to get better even without him, and for him to miss you.

I came to believe one of the most important aspects on why the WS returns home sadly is because the fear to loose it all. Plan B, gives that perspective.

Do not procede with D yet. You have not earned that right, besides what is your hurry? You have someone who is with you now? I guess not. So in the meantime, ok think on Plan B as you were already D, and move on with your life, do other things, let him think, let them LB big time, let her meet all your H's needs. I know and you know she can't, but your WH doesn't know. Let him feel that. I can promise you after a while he will, and he might be giving you the part of the "script" you wish to hear at the time.

Meanwhile, work on you and get better and stronger. I can also assure you you are going to need that. Recovery is harder than this and you will need all the patience, streght and knowledge you have gained in all this time.

Take good care

<small>[ April 14, 2004, 12:35 PM: Message edited by: matilde ]</small>

I agree with the other posters: go to plan B and stay there.

It won't be easy, especially at first (or any time you slip and make contact) but it will get much easier.

The fog talk - don't listen to it. If you're not in contact with him he can't hurt you with more fog talk. And as somebody said, the more he says it, the more he believes it. Plus he's just trying to get you to love-bust and to give up on him so he can blame it all on you. My WH is doing the same thing. Don't fall for that! HE and OW can choose to continue adultery and there's really nothing we can do about that - NOTHING (this is hard to accept). BUT it's their choice and their responsibility.

I don't know how long you've been at this but somebody posted that it's still early for you - to hang in there but go to plan B. In my case I'm pretty sure it's too late and my WH will never 'get it' and do what's needed for recovery.
But even if that happens, I can take some comfort from knowing he didn't really get what he wanted. He wanted to dump me and blame it all on me, for him and the adulteress to pretend they did nothing wrong, didn't hurt anyone, that he 'tried' to end affair and come home... But everyone (who matters) knows the truth now and knows that I was the one who stood by him much longer than anyone expected. So ironically I will get what he was after: a new life, a new marriage to somebody better, none of the blame and all of the respect and support (from the people who matter). They say living well is the best revenge.

Sometimes people post here askign if Plan B really works... I say if you really follow it (do NOT call the WS) then it will work (whether or not the WS comes back. Because the purpose of Plan B is to protect the BS from the WS's hurtful fog talk and to help the BS not be dependent on the WS for their happiness anymore. So even if the WS never comes home the BS Plan B will help the WS have a happier future.

Maybe you should just think of Plan B as getting on with your life - with or without your WS? They have total control and total responsibility for that decision. It might sound selfish but all you really need to concentrate on now is takign care of yourself (and your children if there are any). Don't worry - be happy. Enjoy what yourself, your family, your friends, family traditions and get-togethers, and if you think of him at all pity him for foolishly missing out on all the fun he could be sharing with you.

Has anyone got a Plan B success story? That led to recover. Please, let me live vicariously through you!!!

Yes, I will try and look it up it was MiMi1254.
She did it and her story is worth reading. She is one great woman.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ChristyV:
<strong> Has anyone got a Plan B success story? That led to recover. Please, let me live vicariously through you!!! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Actually there are a LOT of successful Plan B stories on here!

Unfortunately, once they get their M's sort of back on track, they go away to WORK ON THEM. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

If you can find an old post by Mimi###(some # after this, but don't remember it), and also Mortarman. From time to time you will see people attempt to make contact w/Mortarman..........

This is why. We used to call him the King Of Plan B. He was FLAWLESS at it, and taught it to Mimi very well.

Try to look for some old posts of theirs. They are both gone at least 4 months or so.........

Mimi, especially, struggled sooo much with Plan B. She missed her WH sooooooooo much, and was in so much pain, and she was soooo sure it wouldn't work and he would never "snap out of it" - BUT HE DID!!!

And now they are recovering, and working to repair the damage done to the M by the A. Same story w/Mortarman..........his W was the WW.

Keep posting, keep seeking. Other "success" stores surface from time to time.

God Bless,

<small>[ April 14, 2004, 03:24 PM: Message edited by: lupolady ]</small>

Mortarman's MB number is

20493

Do a search on his posts.... he wins my Plan-B award hands down!

Pep

This is one of MiMi last post

I hope this works for ya.

MiMi member # is 24433

<small>[ April 14, 2004, 04:17 PM: Message edited by: No2nos ]</small>

Ok...Day one of reinstated Plan B. Day one....how pathetic. I just wasted a month of with all my antics since I delivered the Plan B letter.

I switched around the Wednesday child visitation arrangements yesterday (when we had YET ANOTHER AND THE LAST painful conversation I want to have for awhile). I suggested that the kids spend the night and WH get 4th grader on the bus and 4 year old to sitters on Thursday am's, and that we do this from now on (he gets kids 1st & 3rd weekends, and every Wednesday). I did this for two reasons. Firstly, that way I would not have to see him (he gets S at MIL's house, as she takes him after school and gets D at the sitters, so I don't have to get involved in pick up exchange face time) and if he has to be responsible for getting them off to their respective places in the am, I do not have to see him during what would normally be the drop off face time. And Secondly, because he should have some real parenting responsibilities. Getting up at the crack of dawn to clothe, feed, shuttle, and coordinate the lives of two small kids ain't no walk in the park, and he should not be absolved of any of the hard work. Plus, added bonus is that he gets more time with the kids (which they desperately need right now). I also asked for this arrangement on the Sunday's he has them (just get them off to school/sitters on Monday).

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO... one guess on who called me FOUR TIMES tonight to ask me a real, real, real, real stupid question about my S's school uniform. That my son could have easily answered. BINGO...Big Fat Loser, I mean, WH.

I did not answer the phone. I am done. I love him, but every time I talk to him it is instant darts, and they have poisonous tips, to the heart.

He left increasingly irritated messages on the machine that I was not answering. Finally, I called his Mom and gave her the answer to his question, and asked her to call him with it. She seemed confused and irritated (probably because even she knew it was a stupid question, and because she "doesn't want to get involved.") Fine with me....be irritated. This is the reality of what your son has done, and you can probably expect a lot more ignorant calls from him as he tries to figure out all the details about the kids that I have gladly and graciously kept together as the mother of this family and his loving wife.

I was so proud of myself. I know you guys are thinking "Duh...we've said it for weeks." But this really was big for me. I did not cave. Even though I felt the anxiety as I heard his anger. Even though I was negotiating in my own head why I am "allowed" to take this call and answer him. I functioned counterintuitively, and really felt safe and empowered. I am fighting for this marriage, just a different plan of attack.

Thanks all for your words of encouragement.

Way to go Christy!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> You did it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I am so proud of you! Good idea to call his mom and use her as the intermediary. I especially like how you ensured his schedule with the kids includes two early mornings so he gets all of the "perks" of being a parent.

Battle #1 of reinstated plan B successfully won. Good luck as you advance further through the landmines I'm sure he'll try to lay out.

Jen

One thought, Christy. Maybe you want to turn off the answerphone altogether for a few days. I know, I know ... in these days, it's considered horrible to miss a few calls. But most of your friends will call back, or send an email. And it will get you through the first few days of him calling every half hour.

Or just plan to be out of the house lots. It's better than sweating and weeping by the phone as he leaves increasingly angry messages.

Ok Christy I'm here rooting you on stay in Plan B and be strong. Hugs to you.

Christy,

Delete WH's messages w/o even listening, go totally dark on both side.

-rh-

Christy you back in Plan B yet?

Woohoo. Did not take his calls last night. Did not hear from him today. Turned off my answering machine (AMM, I was a step ahead of ya). Life is good. This weekend I have plans with a client/friend Friday night, a bridal shower luncheon Saturday (hmmm...ironic), and I work in advertising, and one of our media partners just smoozed us with baseball luxury box tickets on Saturday night. Sunday, I will have church, and have to come home and pay bills, clean the house, run some errands, will probably do some gardening, etc. So I have held tight, and have a weekend chock full of activities.

I also asked Just J and Penny from SYMC to help me as an e-mail intermediary and provide some coaching.

I feel in control. Which to a control freak like me, feels real damn good (since I have learned real quick I have NO control over any of this situation).