Hmmmm...

Sounds pretty bad. Is there anyway to check up on her recent activity? I'm not a big fan of snooping, but when honesty is in question it's understandable.

If you did call this guys wife, what would you say?

dewt

I would just explain my situation and my thoughts and see if she has noticed a change in her husband. My wife just tells me I'm very insecure and all these thoughts are just crazy. I know I have an insecurity problem but how is this helping it?

I can't check her activity until her new phone statement comes in but I do know they haven't been talking much at all just because I have been looking at her phone when she gets home but then again she knows that I will look at her phone statement when it comes so I think if anything is going on they are going to be very cautious right now.

Well, is it still paranoia if they are out to get you?

Seriously. Insecurity is something I know a little about. (wry grin) But when you are facing the kind of information you have, coupled with your wife's dishonesty and add on her desire that you not snoop or look under any rugs... I dunno. I would be very very suspicious.

If you do call, be very careful not to make any accusations. Present what you know and express your concerns... do you know this woman at all?

dewt

Yeah we have went out with them a couple of times for drinks so I have met her anyway. I don't know her that well. It makes me want to call her even more simply because my wife goes nuts when I mention calling her. She tells me that she will just think I'm some "crazy, psycho insecure husband" as she put it.

kdfeild

If I were you, I'd be very suspicious. The phone calls are a dead giveaway. Right after she leaves for work, and right before she gets home. YOu have on your hands, at the very least, a very strong emotional attachment between you W and this OM.

If I were in your shoes, I'd be looking for other signs. Look through her purse, look at credit card bills, check mileage on her car, look into a keyboard logger. YOu have the right to know what your spouse is doing.

Most of what you describe is textbook, if you've read through the MB site. The sooner you have concrete evidence, if indeed, something is going on here, the better. And when you have that concrete evidence, the FIRST thing you do is show it to the OM's wife. Not in a threatening manner, but cool, calm and collected... you share your suspicions, cell phone bill, other evidence.

If anything at all is going on, she should know about it, and it will make thing much more difficult for an A to develop further, or for that matter, even continue. If this is indeed an affair, and I would be inclined to believe it is a least and EA, and they are working together, it's going to be tough. One of them will have to get another job. No Contact is of biblical proportions when healing after an affair.

One other thought... take a day off of work, and follow her in a buddies car, or a rental. Or hire a PI. You need to get to the bottom of this, sooner rather than later.

Best of luck,

SD

Don't mention it anymore. Mentioning it is probably a huge lovebuster. If you are going to call, do it without consulting her anymore on the matter. You already know how she feels about it and bringing it up repeatedly can do no good.

On a separate note, are you taking any steps towards improving your marriage? Hopefully she is not cheating, but if she is, it is not enough to deal with the affair, you have to tackle the things that made it an attractive option in the first place. If she is not cheating, all the more reason to get to work...

dewt

Dude, she's having an affair. Whether or not it's physical, we don't know yet, but she obviously is more concerned about that man's feelings than yours. Call his wife. Put an dend to this now before your Marriage sprals out of control. If your wife freaks out, too bad. You need to defend your fort.

Let us know how it goes.

And let us know what's wrong in your marriage so some of the great people here can help you with that. My advice isn't always that could. I'm either loved or hated here. But I'll throw in my two cents if I think it will help.

She is your wife.
He is not her hurband.
He has a wife.

Now go fight what is yours.

<small>[ April 16, 2004, 11:15 PM: Message edited by: whiteknight ]</small>

She has her first counseling session next Wed. I have already been to one twice but didn't like the counselor so we found another one and she says she wants to go the first time by herself then we are going to start together if we stay married. I'm having a very very hard time dealing with it and it's hard to not come home from work and discuss this everyday because I feel like I have to ask her if she talked to him everyday and for how long and why. So it always blows up into an argument.

well, everything you are feeling is perfectly normal. I am not the BS so I cna't relate too much, but I know how someone cheats and lies about it and I can offer you advice from across the enemy lines.

OK, let's say it is just an AE; not a physical one. It doens't matter. What matter sis that she is confiding in someone else the things she should be sharing with you. She is torn between you and him and she does not want to hurt you. She does not think you are an idiot and she probably knows you are smart enough to not really believe her, but she has to defend herself. That is normal. She also probably assumed your next move is to either get her to leave her job or you will try to get OM to lose his.

Based on what I have read here, you might want to see if she makes the offer to leave the job, that way you can guage her committment to you and your marriage.

I haven't been here long, but I have read a lot of couples that hav gone through a lot more than you are and they pulled themselves together and came out with a stornger marriage in the end. Decide what you want. Find out what she wants, and hold on to what you want until there is nothing left to try. You owe it to yourself to try your best.

I appreciate all the advice from everyone. We have both talked and we both want to work through this. I can't imagine my life without her and she tells me the same but at the same time she still lies to me. If I do decide to contact his wife I plan on being very calm and explaining my point of view on it and sharing all the info I have just so we can maybe together get a better understanding of what's going on.

so far so good. Everyone is going to suggest to you that she write a NC letter or e-mail to him that she and he must adhere to. No options. She MUST shut this man out of her life, because he plays no role in your having a happy marriage.

Tell your wife she is welcome here too. She can get advice from a lot of people. She can sign in under her own name and she'll get great advice.

Believe me, the people here are awesome.

Yeah I let her read the site and she just said that it's just a bunch of people on here with nothing better to do than destroy other peoples marriages........I disagree.

...with nothing better to do than destroy other peoples marriages???

er...

uh...

...dang, she found me out.

Have you read through the site about Emotional Needs? Now would be a good time to go and review that, identify hers and make sure you are meeting them. Plan A would be another tactic to adopt. Plan A (no angry outbursts, disrespectful judgements or demands) will smooth over your evening conversations. Meeting her needs will help love grow between you. Even if she won't come here, you can still put the info to good use.

dewt

Destroy other people's marriages? She could not have been reading, only pretending to...

I have seen so many people come here with little hope of saving their marriage. They get the help of caring MB'ers who give their time to explain MB principles and how they work, they HAVE saved marriages, mine included.

The advice people get here is not always easy to hear but most who give it have lived through the situation and are here to try to help others understand and help their own marriages.

I am sorry that your wife cannot see the good in this site now, maybe when she is not so defensive she will come here for help. She needs to open her heart to you and see the damage her contact with this man is causing to your marriage. If she could see this place with an open mind and heart, she could be helped here also.

huh .... what site did she go to? This one? Were here eyes closed? THIS SITE is about saving marriages; but nothing can be done until the mercury comes together. To put together apuzzle, we need all the pieces. She is hiding some of the pieces from you. You need 100% honesty before you can do anything.

Destroy marriages, huh? Has she seen her cel phone bill lately? We're not calling OM. She is.

Well, I have decided to take what my wife tells me as the truth and move forward. She tells me he was nothing more than a friend and someone she can talk too. I did not contact the OM's wife because the counselor told me that is the wrong thing to do at this moment. By me constantly making an issue out of the situation it is only doing more damage to our marriage. Am I doing the right thing?

kd -

I just caught your post and sorry, but my immediate reaction was to see RED FLAGS everywhere.

If nothing is going on with the OM, then why is your W lying?

If nothing is going on with the OM, then why is your W so secretive?

If nothing is going on with the OM, then why do you feel that something wrong is going on?

If you go back and read your posts...specifically things that your W has said to you, you will find it to be textbook WS-speak.

Please keep your eyes wide open and be prepared to learn of an A. I sincerely hope not, but all the signs seem to be there.

Take care.

sss

Oh, BTW, I had my H check out this site after I found out about his last A. Guess what he said? Didn't think I should spend time at this site, didn't see how it could help me/us...only hurt, said it would be too upsetting for me so that I would never "get over" his last A, blah, blah, blah! H now says that he's glad I have this site to come to for advice, to vent, get opinions, etc.

She said that she lied to me because she didn't want to fight about it. I am a very insecure person and everytime she even talks to a man in the past I have always asked her 20 questions about him and this and that. I can understand her point of view in the fact that she doesn't want to fight about it and I turn every situation involving another man into a fight.

My two cents.

I have stood in your shoes and there is no easy answer. Be on guard your mind can be your own worst enemy right now. 'What if' thinking about what she may have done can kill you. Deal only with facts. If you don't have them, get smart and get more OR decide that this is enough and focus on the future.

Try these steps...the worked for me.

1. Cry if you feel like it. Go somewhere quite and let it go.

2. Dedicate yourself to a clean break in your life and accept that only time and persistance is going to make you 'whole' again.

While your waitng try, making investments in yourself. It will help keep you from thinking about all those questions you have.

A. Get in shape, start working out. If you now work out, set a new goal and go for it
B. Consider getting spiritual. If you are, go deeper (really works)
C. Invest heavily in your marriage. You have some things to work out yourself about what to do and may need to (see 1) a little or a lot, but sooner or later you gotta move forward. As you grow closer to her, this will get farther away.
D. Maybe a new hobby, one she might like later on.

This is just my opinion, but the next 6 months is key in where you guys go. Feel sorry for yourself as long as you need to, it is part of the process, but when it's done..it's done. Make a new a better you!