One of my biggest problems is not letting anger slip into my head when things are not going well with WW. Then I end up saying something stupid. You know, they hurt you so you lash back at them. I asked our marriage counselor to give me some pointers for dealing with this and her only response no matter how many times I ask is "just lay your anger down". If only it were that easy. Has anyone gotten any GOOD advice on dealing with the hurt and anger?

Good question!

My H looked around for an "anger management" counselor. He found one and went for a while. You might see if your employee benefits offer any kind of referral to counselors. His does for marital, personal, drug, whatever.

He's also been reading a book which he says helps as much or more than the counselor did - I haven't read it but he says it's geared toward counselors actually doing anger management, rather than geared toward the clients. But he really likes it. It's called "Anger Management" by Howard Kassinove and Raymond hip Tafrate. Here's a link to the book on amazon.com.

I would definitely recommend getting some appts. with an anger management counselor - someone who is specifically trained in anger management. The one my H saw gave my H a test to determine adult ADD, and my H scored really high. He's supposed to followup with a medical doctor and possible meds. My H is super bright, with a lot of impatience for strangers - especially slow drivers, people who leave their shopping cart in the middle of the aisle at the grocery store while they browse the shelves, or any act of inconsideration (inconsideration as defined by my H <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ). Apparently the ADD makes it difficult/impossible for him to settle down, relax, "lay down his anger" and have a more peaceful, forgiving, accepting attitude toward strangers.

Hope those ideas helped.

<small>[ April 14, 2004, 01:12 PM: Message edited by: turtlehead ]</small>

My H broke my arm and has been going to anger management since then. I was furious about his affair. I found that Love Busters and the POJA get to the root of anger.

ME TOO -

Bring it here and vent, write it down in a journal, or as someone wiser thatn ne advised he here "do you want to be married or right?" pick one, if you want to be married, stop letting the anger out (not easy I know)

Medication can help a lot. I've been taking LEXIPRO but will probably switch over to PAXEL soon, but I can feel it working. It has not robbed me of my emotions. I mean, if someone does or says something stupid, I am not a robot, but it has had an amazing effect on the chemicals in my body. It's incredible. I am much happier to feel calmer, considering all that is going on in my life right now. Most people would be hitting the roof and smashing toasters. Not me. I am cool as a cucumber.

Thanks for your input. Well I'm far from breaking arms and I'm not generally an angry person but I get tense or insecure and my WW looks at me and says I don't know what your problem is, it is very difficult not to come back with how bout the fact you lied, cheated, and stole, just for starters and that doesn't help either of us.

speaking on behalf of someone who has been on meds for awhile and as a nurse, you will be amazed at what meds can do for you. it's not even anything major, very subtle (given you are on one that works best for you). you begin to not worry about things like you used to. i used to cry when i was late for an appt but after i started RX it just help me relax and not get so worked up, plus i was going to counseling as well. not saying that meds are what you need but just that you shouldn't rule it out. the best offense is the best defense right? and the more things you have working for you and with you the better. prayers to you.

Thanks rough, I'm not real big on doctors. Go maybe once every few years. One of those strong silent types I guess that feels like I should be able to suck it up and tough it out. What do I tell them that I'm to tense? and they'll just give me something?

Mr. E..

perhaps you need a different counselor...

or perhaps you need to reword your question to her...

Also I think this something you need to talk with your spouse about...
the sharing of what triggers your anger and ways to communicate that pain to her....

people think that not lovebusting means sucking everything in and just shutting up about it...but that's not true....avoiding disrepectful judgements and lovebusting is all about learning to communicate your pain and anger without the needless useless words that shut down communication....

have you communicated with your wife what triggers your anger...
have you looked closesly at your anger...and can you identify what is behind the anger that hurts you...
are you taking on the role of "punisher" to your spouse....

also there is the trap of all partners falling into communication patterns that don't work...they exist often pre-affair...and if not addressed they exist post-affair....leading to just more years of miscommunication....

look at your self...your role in this...
see where your wife's receptiveness is in helping you deal with these things....

and then look in to re-wording your questions to the counselor...

tell her you are interested in learning new ways to communicate your pain and hurt that is productive for both parties...

ark

Thanks Ark sound advice I'm sure. I have done my best to communicate and communicate and communicate my issues with my W in a respectful calm manner and depending on the time of day and day of the week she is respectful of those thought and feelings. However, there are those times that she decides that she has done nothing wrong, she has admitted to an EA although she refuses to refer to it as an A during these times because "we didn't have sex". It is durning these times that I have my issues. I'm getting better but I'm far from perfect.