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and I am still shaking. Please tell me we've done the right thing.
Last night H and I had a very bad night. He asked if I still thought about OM all the time and I said yes.
We discussed separation and it was all awful. Then he said I'm going to put a stop to this once and for all. I'm going to ring OM's wife tomorrow.
She took it very calmly but I have asked reception to announce all my calls to me today. I feel at peace at last. It was eating both of us up - H because he couldn't live with the fact that OM had got away scot free and me because I was always frightened OM would contact me or I would contact him.
Jenny
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hi Jenny....I'm shaking for you!! I know that makes you very nervous but I truly think that your H has every right to handle that the way he chooses. My H wanted to confront the OM after I confessed and so did my 22 year old son. They really weren't interested in the his W as much as they were in confronting him.
Jenny, OM's wife has the right to know. Wouldn't you want to know if were the other way around?
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Yes I would.
Lisa, this is all so awful. Of course, it's still morning here in New Zealand so I still have the day to get through.
I rang H a while ago and asked him how he was. Already we are closer. We even had a giggle about how much s**t OM is going to be in today.
I really, really do feel for his W though. I wouldn't wish all this on anybody.
Jenny
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Jenny - did you write a NC letter? If so, send her a copy, if not, write one addressed to both of them. It will help OM's W, believe me.
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WAT, I've always been terrified to come up against you in a post LOL you have a reputation.
But thank you sincerely for that advice. I will think about it - I need to concentrate on H and me at the moment. I can only see it making things worse if I get involved with OM and his W at this stage.
Jenny
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Hmmm, a reputation? Let me guess, for holding WSs accountable?
Yes, I can be demanding. But I try to be equal opportunity demanding to BOTH WSs and BSs.
Nonetheless, if you're concerned about OM's W, as anyone would be, and you want to help her, a NC letter can relieve her of the threat that you may return. That said, I understand you rationale to limit contact to even less than this.
Perhaps keep this idea in mind depending on what contatc either of them initiate.
WAT
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That's what I thought. If she needs any help from me at all I am completely prepared to give it.
I wanted to tell H to tell her to come on here. Not to talk to me, I would retire.
Jenny
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Please don't retire.
This forum could not be successful without the participation of forner WSs. You have valuable insight to offer others - 10X more than I. The very best advice I got on this forum was from former WSs. I literally would not have survived without their help.
I may be coming your way in a few years on my circumnavigation. What's for dinner?
WAT
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I only meant I'd retire if OM's wife came here.
I wouldn't want to go. This place has been far too valuable to me.
As for what's for dinner - our best New Zealand lamb, fresh veges, roast potatoes and pumpkin and our beautiful sweet potato. I put a link on here a while ago to our tourist website. It'll make you drool.
Jenny
<small>[ April 14, 2004, 05:28 PM: Message edited by: KiwiJ ]</small>
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by KiwiJ: <strong> WAT, I've always been terrified to come up against you in a post LOL you have a reputation. But thank you sincerely for that advice. I will think about it - I need to concentrate on H and me at the moment. I can only see it making things worse if I get involved with OM and his W at this stage. Jenny </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi Jenny, I would also second WAT's suggestion about the no contact letter. It would calm his wife and your H down. I think his W would actually appreciate it and feel relieved. I know your H would be relieved and it would go a long way in restoring trust. I think the timing is ideal right now since the OMW just found out. Something to consider.. Here are some sample letters: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=018918
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Thanks Melody - I have another formidable MBer on my thread. Gosh. LOL
I will look at the letters - I do want to help her any way I can.
Jenny
<small>[ April 14, 2004, 06:14 PM: Message edited by: KiwiJ ]</small>
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Jenny, WAT is a [censored] cat. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> He and I have hoisted a few together. And the plan is to do so again. My recommendation, have a brew or two ready for him, when he circumnavigates by. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I am glad that your H did this. It will help OM's W alot. It may even make their marriage better as you know these events have a way of opening doors, painful yes, but the potential for good is there. You will see as you and H sort this out and move closer than ever. Just a point of curiosity when you think of OM all of the time, what are you thinking about? Does your H know? Are you missing him or is it more just thoughts? Again, I think your H did the right thing and I am glad you are in agreement with him. If OM's W contacts you do what WAT suggested send her the NC letter you sent OM. And an apology to her may not help, but it is a classy thing to do and you are a classy lady right? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> God Bless, JL
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Oh, JL this has really set me spinning.
I wanted H to do it and I'm glad he has. We were barely speaking when he left for work this morning and then when I rang him a while ago we were talking more closely than we have for ages.
Yes, I have been missing OM and trying very hard to push it away. I knew if he contacted me again - I would NEVER have contacted him - I could well have given in.
Well, I just need to get through today - it's only 11.28 am here. Going out for lunch with my lunch group from work - can't wait.
Jenny
<small>[ April 14, 2004, 06:49 PM: Message edited by: KiwiJ ]</small>
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Jenny, Here is something to consider. The idea is NOT to forget OM, it is to relegate him to insignificance. A good way to do this is talk with your H about your thoughts: " darn it! when I heard ****, OM poped into my head. H give me a hug, a kiss, a squeeze." What will happen is that as you bring OM into the light with your H, your H will start to replace him in your thoughts, and more importantly your H will begin to realize that these thoughts ARE NOT actions. It may help him to realize that you struggle but OM is NOT going to wisk you away. If you and H ever ran into OM, you might be surprised at your response. Nerves Yes! Passion, probably not. Think about that. Talk with H, let him know you want to use him to rid yourself of OM. You will be surprised at how ordinary OM will become compared to the man you are talking to. It will be tough on your H for awhile, but I think as he sees things progress he will understand that this is just another case where you need to lean on him. Guys like good looking girls leaning on them. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Have fun at lunch. JL <small>[ April 14, 2004, 06:53 PM: Message edited by: Just Learning ]</small>
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Thanks JL (for the good looking girl remark) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I am feeling sick but relieved and I need all the normality I can get. Every time the phone goes I jump - I'm so glad reception are screening my calls.
This rollercoaster sucks. I've never been on a real one - too scared - can't be worse than this. What happened to the nice quiet carousel?
Jenny
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Jenny - JL is formidable to ME! Imagine having him and SKM slurping magaritas at the same table with you.
Please read his wise words again - that which I can not duplicate.
USE your H to prop you up. Rely on him. Guys dig that. Well, real guys do.
You will never forget OM - nor should you. Just like we should never forget our past mistakes. How else are we do remember not to repeat them? Lord help me learn from the mistakes of others, for I have not time to make them all myself!!!
Some memories are not pleasant, but if we learn from them, the resultant pleasant memories become dominant.
Hmmm, lamb sounds really nice. Do you make pumpkin soup like the OZs do? And eat beets on your burgers? I understand the "competition" between Kiwis and OZs - I don't want o get between that!
WAT
<small>[ April 14, 2004, 07:33 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>
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WAT, I'm so dazed from what I have done to four people's lives that I can't even think of any smart**s remarks about Aussies.
Dear "old" JL - (and you're not even that old - you let your age slip the other day you know) you always have the right thing to say.
Did we really do the right thing? OM's wife's life is now changed forever.
Jenny
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Hey WAT, They try to make it the same, but our pumpkins are bigger & better <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> (Just foolin) Jenny. I am so glad your H told OM wife, now she at least has the opportunity to decide what she wants to do. As someone else pointed out...if you were the BS you would want to know. I wish you both well, I am sure this is just one step closer to a great recovery. You and your H DID DO the right thing. cheers mtheart (From OZ) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
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Dear mtheart thanks for taking the time to reply. I really appreciate it. This has all thrown me a bit. I do know for sure that if it was me I would want to know.
Better pumpkin soup eh? that's fighting talk. How do I admit this, my sister learned to make pumpkin soup when she lived in Sydney years ago - and it was soooo good we all use the recipe.
I hope your health is much better now - we were all very worried about you.
Jenny
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LOL, Sydney was where I learnt to make it too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> So what time of the day is it over there? I am praying for the hours to fly for you so that you can get home from work. Obviously she hasn't rang you as yet, which is a good sign. She's probably too busy giving him the rounds of the kitchen, but I would guess that if you haven't heard from her by knock off time...You won't. I am feeling a whole lot better now thankyou for asking. The doc upped my meds and they are having the desired affect, the depression passed and was replaced by 3 days of mania but am stable now. I have to say though 3 days manic and I have the cleanest house in the neighbourhood <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Anyway, take care and keep us posted. Cheers mtheart
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