Hello Everyone,

This is my first post on these boards. I hope you can help me make sense of these feelings. I am 22 years old (23 in August) and H is 27. We will have been married 4 years this October 28th. We have one daughter. I am working and in college right now. My H and I both work in warehouses, although not the same companies.

For the last two years H and I have been having a lot of issues. He has begun talking a lot about religious issues. I am religious myself, but this new zeal for righteousness of his has really gone beyond what I can accept. He is determined that I conform to his new lifestyle.

He also refuses to allow me any personal time for myself and becomes extremely volatile and accuses me of family abandonment anytime I try to be alone. I am hardly ever apart from this man. He says I do not need friends other than him. He hates my mother. He hates my friends. He is an equal opportunist because anyone spends time with me is a threat to his dominance.

He is a poor lover. I know that seems a cheap shot and I admit that. However, he always satisfies himself and then acts indignant and claims that I should be satisfied because he is. I am so disgusted by this self serving nature he has that I will not sleep in the same bedroom with him.

I loved him. I am not in love with him anymore. Last week I came home and he blew up at me in the garage because he could not wait for me to come into the house. I had worked all day and all I wanted to do was go upstairs and change and see our daughter. He began guilting me for being late, etc.. It was during this latest tirade that I felt...nothing. Normally, I would feel guilty. I am an internalizer by nature and when he starts in on me I feel overwhelmed. I looked at him with his narrowed eyes and his finger pointing at me and I thought, I do NOT have to take this anymore. I am a grown woman, this man is not my father, if he loved me, he would not scream at me daily.

I was so shocked by my lack of response. And to be honest he was, too. He is so used to tears, backing down, etc that he was thrown off. He won't say that, but I know that is what disconcerted him. He needs my submission to feel good about himself. I looked at him and I told him that because he refuses to attend counseling and because he refuses to work on any issues in our marriage I refuse to be belittled.

Since this last argument I have been thinking seriously of a seperation. I am not in love with him. For years when I would think of myself without him I would feel so panicked, so lost. Now, I am at peace. I would rather be alone with my daughter than his personal emotional punching bag. I would say I would like to work this out, but the accumulated hurts of four years make me hesitant to consider this. He has over the years, made very short attempts to reform. He only attempts to keep me from leaving.

I know I am rambling, but any advice for those of you who have been there? I am so tired. I am so empty. I just want peace. I cannot leave for another year until I finish my degree because I cannot afford to support myself and my daughter. I would not deny him the right to see her because despite his attitude towards me, he loves her and is a great father. I feel somewhat disgusted with myself for staying in the marriage until I am financially stable, but I feel justified in wanting the best possible start for my daughter and myself.

I just don't know what to do.

Beyond Caring

I wanted to say thank you to those who posted to me on the divorced/divorcing board.

little girl- I understand completely about going with the flow. His face was livid after the statement I made about belittling me. I thought he might just have a stroke right on the spot. I did lower my eyes which for me is a trademark move. I will try and find the book you suggested.

daybreak- I am fairly certain that if things do not improve by the time I finish school, I will leave. I have thought this over time and time again. I love our daughter, but I am not willing to sacrifice my identity, happiness, emotional stability so that she can have two full time parents. I also wonder how his behavior towards her will change when she starts having ideas of her own. I want to protect her from that.

A side note: I feel like I married my step-father. I was talking to my mother yesterday and she said, 'Thank God, you are finally waking up.' I was surprised that she had seen so much of his behavior. She and my step-father have been divorced for five years, but she said it was the darkest years of her life. That's how I feel. Like everytime I let myself come out, express myself, he crushes me under his heel and forces me back into the dark. I never thought I would be the victim of such rampant emotional abuse. I feel like I am living with a wild tiger who at the slightest move pounces on me. He is determined now that I should have another baby. I did try reasoning with him and now I have secretly visited my OBGYN and had norplant put in. I don't need another reason for him to pen me in.

Beyond Caring

Quick question - why did you put this thread on the infidelity board? Accidental or is there something else going on???

It was suggested I post here by daybreak. She thought I would get more responses here I guess. As far as I know, my H is not having and has never had an affair. I know I am not.

I am not interested in any more problems than I already have.

It doesn't sound like you have much of a marriage worth saving. At your age, you're probably better off moving on and finding happiness elsewhere. I don't know what kind of advice you expect here. Most people here WANT their marriage to work. At best, you don't care. For the most part, I think you just want someone to tell you you are right and you should get away from this jerk. Well, if you are not at all in love with this man and he doesn't like you; then you've gt my permission to go.