Hi,
My girlfriend (21) and I (24) are going out for the over 2 years . 5 weeks ago we found out she was pregnant. I was looking forward to it big time. But then we decided to be straight and she told me a few things and then i told her that i i had drunken one night stand 1.5 years ago. I'm not sure why i did it but back then I never had the feeling she'd respect me at all or liked anything i said or did. Why i didnt tell her i dont know and why I didnt break up i dont know either. Then months after it happened I started loving her and a while later I loved her really bad.Most of ye might not believe that but it is true cause i know it in my heart and i still do. when i told her she wanted to abort and i know i broke her heart but i needed to tell her although it was the worst possible time but i needed to. Now after a lot of talks and stuff we are trying to sort this out. She says she might only get over this by doing it herself. I frankly dont know what to do i'm not a monster and i wont do it again. And what hurt me most was when a week ago she siad shed go for an abortion a day later and when i called her after a sleepless night she said she just got it done which messed me up big time cause i was really looking forward to my first one. the 3 hours later she called and said she didnt do it, which made me happy but really angry too cause i thought revenge wise that went too far.
Well now we are talking and are going for the first scan tomorrow. But things are still hard.

Please help, we wanna work it out i just need some help on what to do. HELP PLEASE!!

She sounds like she would be a wonderful mother for your children!

How about doing the baby a big favor and putting it up for adoption? Do the compassionate thing for your child and let some grown ups raise him. You and your girlfriend are no where near grown up enough for marriage.

In the meantime, you and your girlfriend could take a few more years to gain the needed maturity for marriage and sexual relations. Your situation is one of the reasons that premaritial sex is such a bad deal. Anybody can have sex, but not everybody is mature enough or committed enough to handle the consequences. And y'all are neither.

i dont think you should write a comment like this if u dont even know me.i'm well ready to bring up a child and i definitly wont give it up for adoption.

Rave -

I am glad you came here for help. Please keep in mind that what you will find on this board is an honest response and reaction from other members. We are not here to make you feel good about your decisions to cheat or allow you to use excuses for you actions. Cheating is wrong and very selfish. Your GF had every right to be upset when you told her you cheated...especially since she is carrying your child. Try to understand that. You cannot judge her at this point for her actions because she is very hurt.

The thought of abortion makes me cringe...this is not the place to have that discussion. I am glad she did not have the procedure and I will pray for you to be good parents.

I would suggest that you read the articles and other information on this site. Try to learn how best to meet your partners emotional needs. Hang around on this board and read others' stories as well. You will greatly benefit from this information.

I wish you and your girlfriend the best of luck. I pray you also seek guidance in parenting skills. Your lives are about to change. That baby will not allow you to be selfish. Focus on making yourself the best person possible to ensure you leave the kind of legacy for your children that you can be proud of....that your children can be proud of.

Spaceman,
Melody's advice may sound harsh to you, but bringing a baby into the world in the circumstances you describe would be more than harsh!

You are not married, you have cheated on your girlfriend while you were drunk, you say that she does not like anything that you do, she threatens to have an abortion out of revenge towards you...

Go back and read your post, do you really believe that as a couple you are mature enough to be responsible parents for the next 18-plus years?

Raising a child in a stable home requires maturity, patience and love. An unstable environment like the one you describe is a tragic place for a child to live in.

Please consider adoption, it is a loving alternative that could give your child a better future.

No one is here to hurt you, just to offer advice that is objective.

RaveSpaceMan,

Since I am a little older and have a step-son your age, I'm going to throw in my $.02.

Neither your girlfriend nor you can change the past. You two can only assess your present situation, decide where you want to be in the next 5, 10, 20, and more years. Then do the right things to get there.

Since I don't know your full situation I can only throw out basics.

1. Be a MAN.
2. Get a job you can support your family on.
3. Marry the mother of your child.
4. Love her always like there will be no tomorrow.
5. Raise your child in a loving way.
6. When your child(ren) are raised and out on their own, your wife and you will be left with each other. Execute #4 and build a life while raising your child(ren) so when they are gone, your wife and you will not be straingers to each other.

I think you get the idea. Bringing a child into the world is a rest-of-your life affair. Make it the best for all concerned, and bless God.

alright...lets put this in to perspective...

You got bigger issues in front of you than some one and half year old disgression...

you got a baby coming...
no game playing...
no dramatics
time to get really real...

yeah you can say you cheated..but it was a year and a half ago...
with a GIRLFRIEND that you had only been seeing six months at that time...
and you and she aren't married...

so you haven't broken any convenants with God...
and now there is a baby involved and your girlfriend who you still aren't married to and committed legally to...

is playing emotional blackmail on the birth of your child..

the "affair"...which is more like typical 22 year old drunken behavior...is the least of your big issues and concerns....

YOU need to learn to set clear boundaries that puts the health of the baby first...
that you will not engage in insane and insanely selfish powerstruggles over her leaving you and taking the baby....
that you establish yourself as the father here and now...and plan that to be your life...whether she walks from you or not....that you will pursue legal access to YOUr child...

YOU need to grow up and real fast...
you need to learn to weed through and past the childish behaviors both of you are prone to pulling on one another and get serious about your priorities...

you need a mentor...someone who can guide you through all of this...
you both need to commit...

are you planning on getting married...

I suggest strongly you and she contact a local minister priest for guidance..
I suggest you both find a support agency that deals pregnancy and assists young un-married people treading through these waters...

how often does she use the emotional black mail against you...

you might want to seriousl decide to dig deeper and come up with answers to her questions that go a little farther than I don't know... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />
trust me on that one...

what is the relationship like between you two..
do you fight a lot
do you get along
do you live together
do your parents know
does her's
what support system do you both have...

are you employed
is she employed..etc etc...

I barely think of what you did as an affair...
so the two of you better decide to get through that hurdle...and get ready to face some real challenges...

ark

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ravespaceman:
<strong> i dont think you should write a comment like this if u dont even know me.i'm well ready to bring up a child and i definitly wont give it up for adoption. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know it's probably not what you want to hear, but when you ask for opinions, you risk hearing something you might not like.

Perhaps you can bring up a child at your very young age, but as you can see, your girlfriend is woefully unequipped to raise a child, much less be in a committed marriage.

The last thing she is thinking about is this child, she is too busy thinking of ways to settle the score. Which only reflects her immaturity. That is not marriage material and that is not mommy material, rave. You would be doing your child, yourself and any future children, a huge disservice by choosing her for the mother of your children.

Think of the baby first. Give it to grown up parents who can put the baby's best interest first.

yes i think we are. we made it so far.I wanted the baby from the start she wants it as well. And we will both love the child. I also stopped the drinking as well as smoking. I cant wait for it to come. So there is no way I would give my child away, because i dont see a real reason to do that.We are no druk addicts or any of that sort.We are both finishing our degreed in 2 months and i will have a job to take care of them. My parents will help too. So there is no way I will give my baby to someone I dont know if there is no hardcore reason for it to do so. We will work it out. And I dont wanna hear from my child one day: Why did yuo not even try to work it out and just gave me away?"So We will try first and if we dont work out i will stil suport them and see my child we already decided on that. And I have friends who grew up like that and are very happy it was their parents that brought them up. So I will give it all i can to bring it up together first and I dont think that is wrong.

thank you for your advice

Umm, I've got to put my $.02 in about your "I would NEVER put this child up for adoption" comment. Geez dude, you acted like putting the baby up for adoption was a worse solution than having an abortion. Our son is adopted and we are a STABLE, LOVING family. He is happy and loved. Our birthmom and birthfather get pictures from us and they enjoy seeing him grow up and hearing the stories of how he gets in to mischief and how he tries to get out! I respect the birthmom IMMENSLY for her strength in knowing what the best thing for her baby was.

It's NOT ABOUT YOU, buddy.

I posted in reaction to your first comment - now I just read your latest post.

You obviously know NOTHING about adoption. As an adoptive parent we jump through 800 hoops just to be ACCEPTED AS A POSSIBLITY - then they put our entire life under a microscope. I understand why they do it - but it's a painful experience.

There are also VERY FEW closed adoptions these days. That means that you have CONTACT with the adoptive parents - which means you GET TO KNOW THEM. We talked with our birthmom over the phone and had a great talk. She decided she liked us (she also had a several page write up about who we were). We then talked with her weekly to keep up with how she was doing. I assured her that if she changed her mind we would understand and she needed to do what she felt she could live with - what was best for her. We got to know each other over the months of her pregnancy. When she had the baby, we gave her time to make sure she was still ok with her decision. She knew this was the best thing for her baby. We all spent time together in the hospital and have pictures together. We keep up with her more than we do some old friends and family!

We don't have an extra arm, or tenticles or a hump on our back. I'm an attractive, intelligent 33 year old woman who just doesn't happen to be able to have children. And there are TONS more couples just like us out there. We have some VERY dear friends who have been trying to adopt for YEARS. They would be FANTASTIC parents. Our son would like a sibling - we ARE fantastic parents! And there are MANY MORE COUPLES OUT THERE.

You are very prejudiced towards something you know nothing about. I say again, this is not about you.

Mr. Spaceman:

You need to chill, dude. You came to this board and asked for advice and you're getting it. SUre, no one here would recognize you if they bumped into you on the street, but people here are sharp as tacks and have seen situations like yours before.

Hate to break it to you, but your story is not original. Any 13 year old crack addict in the ghetto can get pregnant. You've got some healthy sperm and she's got an egg. Woop-de-doo! Wecome to the world. There is nothing amazing about that. The AMAZING thing is having a family. A real family.

Let me ask you --- would you go out tomorrow and open up a book store? Do you have the experience and $$$? Do you have a business plan? LIFE REQUIRES A PLAN if you want to succeed. Have a child is a huge responsibility. It's not just about having some little thing there to smile and drool and have fun with.

You need to be prepared to start a whole new life. You need 100% honestly with your family. No more $$$ can be wasted on anything. You have a child that's going to require thousands of dollars. You need to save up for child's college.

There is no shame in admitted that you and GF might not be ready at this time to take on these hardships. Don't get so defensive, man. I've got $$$ and experience and a support system, and I don't think I'm ready for all that.

Are you prepared for all this? I don't want to be rude, dude, but you can barely construct a sentence, how in the world are you supposed to raise a child? Don't freak out. Take a breath. Take an honest evaluation of your life and your situation. Your child can have a great life with someone who can raise the child better.

Your time will come when you have the money and the education and the employment and the stability to have a loving family. Based on what you told us, and the way you lashed out at those trying to help, you just don't seem mature enough for this life-altering experience.

I wish you luck.

<small>[ April 15, 2004, 10:38 AM: Message edited by: whiteknight ]</small>