.........how 'bout a progress report?

Ah WAT...I have missed you. How are things going with you? How's NID?

Things are going good. I've had some busy weeks lately. Clients are in town (my office location) and looking to me for entertainment. I'm back home (new duty station locaiton) now and plan on staying here for a while.

This was the first overnight trip I've had away from my family since recovery began. It was a true test for both of us. For me I saw that I was finally able to focus on my job without having constant panic attacks about what was going on back home. Usually I would have called him 1000x by lunch. Not this time! I did my job and was the perfect host for my clients.

My H on the other hand had a more difficult time. He called me repeatedly. Asking if I was OK and telling me how much he missed me. He was really down. One night he called my cell and I couldn't answer the phone. He called my parents house. My dad told him I was getting something to eat, so my H calls my cell back and leaves this message: "Hey Baby, called your mom's and you dad said you were getting something to eat. You never eat this late." He ended with a slight grunt.

I took that as he was worried that I was in the perfect position to do the exact thing he did.

I wouldn't do that. I've assured him of that.

Interesting thing though. While I'm happy for his change of heart and his new found love for me there's a part of me that is holding on to the anger. I do not express this to him. I'm just hurt because of it all. The anger I feel now is very different from the anger prior to recovery.

I've also had nightmares. Some are really terrible. I never had these before recovery. He's awakened me in the night comforting me. I guess I was crying in my dream. I'm usually pretty out of it for the entire day after a dream like that.

I'm not sure if nightmares about A's are common in recovery?

So there's my update. No very exciting. We are going to a Love Language seminar this weekend...yes he read the book!!!! This was a great sign for me too. Next weekend I am playing in a tournament out of state. He is going with me. So we'll have an entire weekend without children. Before the A he would never have offered to go to a tournament with me especially out of state.

So I think recovery is going well for me.

What do you think?

Hi hw - first, nid has taken a sabattical from MB, apparently.

Second, remember that I have zero recovery experience (the marriage variety) so I can't really advise you on this, but it sounds as if it couldn't be much better at this point! But of course you realize that it's long from being over.

Your H seems to be experiencing some turmoil - it makes sense to me that he may be needing some extra reassurances from you, and some for you from him.

Maybe you're already doing this, but posting on the Recovery board may be helpful for you to process your latent feelings of anger, etc.

Also, are you participating in any counseling? All these aspects of your individual reactions and behaviors ought to be fair game with your counselor.

Continued well wishes for you both.

WAT

if you don't mind sharing, what's the tournament you're referring to? my thoughts have been w/you as well and i did reply to your reply to me (make sense?) is your H coming here to the forums at all? continued prayers to you.

I do not mind sharing at all. It's a softball tournament.

I've found that softball has given me an outlet. My teammates are great. They have been very helpful. Only one of them knows what I'm going through. Either way, just having friends in my new city has been helpful.

My H does not post here. He is really not the type to post on a board. He's very private. Having said that I'll say that he was never the type to have an A either!!! I guess you never really know.

We are going to a marriage conference this weekend. The Five Love Languages. It's similar to MB principles. I've read the book and saw that the auther was going to be here so I booked up quickly. I'm really excited about it. My H even finished the book. I am proud of his efforts.

make sure and let us know how it goes! and give specifics too like cost, agenda, etc. thanks!

I will be sure to post how it goes.

Tickets were 45$ each but I received a $5 discount per ticket because I purchased them on the net.

I would recommend this book to anyone. It's light reading and the stories Gary incorporated into the book hit the nail on the head. This is very similar to MB principles on the Love Bank.

My H is honestly looking forward to this. He wouldn't read anything related to an A. This book was easier for him to commit to because it's main focus was on making your spouse happy and learning how to meet their needs.

I can already see the impact in the way he treats me. He is very appreciative of me and his commpliments never seem to end. I hope that this weekend he will have a better understanding of my ENs. I think he is focused more on words of affirmation and admiration. I'll take anything I can get at this point.

I have to say that right now our relationship is better then it ever has been.

I give credit to all of you and MB.

My thoughts and prayers are with you Rough. Do not forget that. You will make it through all of this and you will be a much stronger person (if that's possible) for having gone through it.

Sending a big hug and lots of prayers your way.

thanks as always HW, is "Gary" Gary Smalley? have you ever posted to momto3boys? a lot of spiraling going on, i think EVERYONE is at a loss on what to do or say regarding her situation. anyway, is the name of the book "love languages?" prayers to you.

think i figured out the author is gary chapman. anyway i bought the 5 love languages over the weekend and will start reading it this week. let us know how the seminar went. prayers to you.

Rr -

You are right it is Gary Chapman. The book is wonderful but I was not prepared for the greatness of the conference.

It just blew me away. Dr. Chapman is a very funny and entertaining man but he gets his point across clearly. I've been to conferences before where I find myself bored or just plain sleepy but he was so funny it would have taken serious effort not to enjoy it.

Saturday was well worth the money we spent and our time. I would recommend this type of conference to anyone on this site.

Toward a Growing Marriage was the title. He has also written a book with the same title. I bought it Saturday and will post here if I think it will be helpful.

Dr. Chapman touched on A's and how they start and what the impact is to all those involved. The scenario he walked us through was the exact situation I found myself in last year. I was hurt and did cry a little to hear it spelled out so bluntly. I didn't bother to look around to see if anyone noticed me crying. I had to fight the urge not to get up and walk out. It just brought back the anger. That was when I thought of SH and the principles taught on this board. To walk out would have been a HUGE LB and wouldn't have done anything but take us two steps back in my recovery. So instead of walking out I noticed my H shifting in his seat as if he were uncomfortable. I just reached over and grabbed his hand. I held his hand and squeezed it. Hoping to say..."it's behind us, let's move on".

So if nothing else comes of that conference I know I can look the challenge of this A in the face and remain strong for my marriage.

By the way, my H sent me a huge flower arrangement Friday the day before the conference. No reason, he just said I deserved it and that he loved me.

I don't care what your love language or your top EN is...when you've been through what I've been through those flowers filled my love tank and made me praise God for having such a wonderful husband. 3 months ago I would have never thought that was possible.

OK so there's my update on Dr. Chapman.

HW - very glad to read of your continuing progress.

At the conference, did you hear anything that conflicts with what we "preach" here regarding affair stuff?

Please tell us more so that we can learn more.

WAT

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> At the conference, did you hear anything that conflicts with what we "preach" here regarding affair stuff?

Please tell us more so that we can learn more. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not at all. This conference really addressed ways to grow in a marriage and facing the difficulties of a lasting marriage.

He addressed the following areas -
My Mate won't talk to me: this was stressing communication and how to avoid holding things inside. He also gave us several communication excersises that were very helpful (out of the box solutions).

I don't love him/her anymore: he talked about how you can grow apart in a marriage but that with help you can regain that closeness.

If my spouse would just shape up: this was not about physical shape but changing the way we see our spouses faults and recognizing our own.

All he thinks about is sex: stresses the importance of sex and inticimacy in a marriage.

How to share the things that bug you: this was very much along SH's LoveBusters. He recommended that we understand that we all know we can work on things about ourselves that can make our mates happier. He suggested that nagging too much and constantly complaining can make our mates become resistant to change anything. Dr. Chapman suggested that we come up with a schedule on how best to communicate the things we wish our spouses would do differently. Once a week we ask our spouses if they would mind hearing of a criticisim. If they are open to that then we just say...I wish you would help me around the house more or I wish you would call if you are going to be more then 20 minutes for dinner. Our mates in return recognize this and work on it. They have the same option to voice one criticisim a week...like I wish you would not scream at me for not closing the closet door when I'm done in there.

This makes the whole changing process less impacting and the person doesn't feel like they are being overwhelmed with requests to change.

I am just summarizing the conference but I think you get the gist of it.

I would highly recommend Love Talks for Couples, More Love Talks for Couples and Love Talks for Families. These a little books geared toward increasing communication in a marraige or family.

Dr. Chapman is very focused on children. He has also written The Five Love Languages for Children. I'm reading this book now.

HW,
its great to hear things are going so well!
it seems your feelings of hurt and the nightmares are a delayed reaction to the A. You were so strong prior to recovery, and know you are lettings those feelings creep in.

Im sure you will be fine, as long as there is plenty of love and affection between you.

Your H is feeling very guilty for the hurt he has caused you, make sure you comfort him.

I hope you are feeling proud of yourself and are holding your head up high. I look forward to hearing about your further progress.

Sending lots of love

Thank you KS.

I have to say I feel silly reading your post considering my actions today. I have had a LB feast today. I'm not sure why....I mean I can point out the obvious reasons but we all know that those aren't enough to cause me to be so angry.

H will be leaving soon for several weeks. We didn't have much notice. It came down to my H going on this trip or OW going on this trip. Since she's the leader it was my thought that she should go but naturally she couldn't go so my H is leaving. I'm not allowed to have an opinion here because of all that's happened so I should have kept my mouth shut but I didn't.

I spoke up and he defended her. That's all it took. I lost it. If medals were awarded for the worst LB's on the battle field I would on CNN tonight.

I feel terrible. I made him feel terrible. Now I feel terrible but at the same time I'm just so mad.

How can he defend her to me? I want to just say...well if she's so great (now that he's seen all her warts) then maybe she can join you on the trip and when you get back you will have an empty house to deal with.

One other point to note here:

I met my new boss this past week. This person accepted the position I was offered but turned down to be with my H. Now I'm having to train someone to do the job that I should be doing but sacrificed for my marriage. So yes I am a little bitter about that as well.

And not to mention that I am coordinating a household on my own. It's like he'll do wahtever I tell him but he won't make a decision or do anything without me saying something. It's like he's lost. I've been good. We have been doing fine. I'm not sure waht is going on here.

Where's my anger coming from (all of the sudden) and why is he so lost?

of course i don't feel like i have any words of wisdom to offer other than hang in there and remember you want to be able to look back and say that you did everything you could to recover and preserve your M. we're all human and LB's will happen, just pick yourself up and start fresh again the next day. I don't remember for sure but I think you said y'all are in counseling, is that right? if so when's your next appt? probably should be real soon giving the current situation (your H leaving for 7 wks) and what plan/strategy to use. maybe training someone will help you keep busy and not allow you to dwell on things.

also, look back at how far you've come and know how happy we all are for you and that we want to give you support and your H too. thanks for all the words you've given me. prayers to you and your H.

It seems strange that he is defending her even after the fog has supposedly lifted. Are you sure he has not broken NC? Dont beat yourself up too much, even thoigh you shouldnt have LBed you do have a right to be upset.

Merely a hiccup. x

KS / RR -

It seems I have over reacted in this situation. I received some very interesting information from someone inside his unit yesterday. It seems my H didn't really give me the entire story and I'm sure I'm the reason he didn't. As soon as he made the statement that she was willing to go instead of him I just lost it. From there I said some very hurtful things to my H and he never said another word.

Someone told me that he said point blank he didn't want to go. She was packed and ready to go but was told by the chain of command that she could not go because of her position and the fact that another soldier was available...my H.

Anyway, after I flew off the handle and LB'ed like nobody's business my H came home and crawled into bed. He was very depressed. He was leaving this week for 3 weeks and he didn't want to go and on top of that I was angry. He didn't know how to handle that. So instead of arguing with me he just crawled into bed and went to sleep. He was just depressed. This was confusing for me.

I went into the bedroom and told him why I was angry. I told him I felt like he was defending her. He was blown away. He told me that I didn't give him a chance to finish before I went off on him. That he was not defending her. He told me he was upset that he was having to leave the girls and me for so long and then on top of that I was mad at him and he didn't know why. I hurt him. He doesn't want me to be mad at him but in the same respect he told me he didn't blame me for being mad considering what he's put me through.

We talked about it and I apologized. I knew I had overreacted.

I just can't let myself get like that again. I hurt him Monday. I did a lot of damage. The old me would have reacted like that. I've learned too much from all of this to go back to my old ways.

I can't let my hurt turn into anger.

So those are the lessons I learned from this.

I'm silly and could have destroyed my recovery.

Thanks for listening all.

yes, lessons learned, and the more we practice the better we get right? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> you still know what you need to do and still have the same goal. stay the course and if you vere(sp?) of it every once and awhile that's okay just fight your way back. the most important thing is to finish the course not to get there the fastest and w/the least amount of damage (well that would be nice though).

back to the counseling question, are you guys in MC? it's just a consideration. i know we BS want to do the one thing that helps the M and we want to be able to look back and know that we did everything that we could and right now I just feel that counseling w/SH in my case is accomplishing this. Of course you know who the best counselor of all is, God. start fresh today and prayers to you.

A good marriage is defined by how you handle conflict, not whether it happens or not. Dont let these minor blips spoil your recovery, because they need not.

You are both under huge pressure at the moment from many different aspects of your lives, this is bound to result in tension between you and a few arguements.

Its just like being on a diet: would having one piece of chocolate fudge cake make you give up?

Dont walk on eggshells round your husband just to aviod conflict, but try a be a bit calmer and listen to him more. I completely sympathise as my moods are a force to be reckoned with when H2B annoys me! I am working to try and reduce my outbursts by combatting them at the source: stress and worry from the combined pressure of my studies, the wedding plans and my job.

Find things to help you relax: you have a very busy life. Once a week, have a 2 hour long bath complete with bubbles, candles and a glass of red wine. Ask your H to join you if your bath is big enough! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Sending lots of love xxx

Ks and Rr -

You are sooo right. Bumps in the road to recovery will happen and the way I deal with these bumps will alter my M. I have decided to take a new approach to my fears and address them before they turn to angry outbursts. My previous approach was seek and destroy...I'm not looking to better myself and learn how best to react. Getting angry and saying hurtful things is how I was raised. I know firsthand that this does not help. I've prayed for the stregnth to better handle myself in these situation in my marriage an in life.

I learned during this whole situation that people find me intimidating....people I love..like my pastor and his wife...my mother and some of my friends. I had myself convinced that I was the sweetest person in the world and never really saw that side of myself. That was a very rude awakening for me. I do not want people to see me as intimidating. I can see now where they got this image of me. When I'm passionate about something you can see it in my face when I talk or debate the subject. I'll listen to other people's views but I will never waver in my convictions. I have a low tolerance for people I see and ignorant and rarely give them the opportunity to change my view after I've made that judgement. That is just stubborn of me.

RR -

We are in counceling and we do go to all the marriage conferences close by. This has been very helpful for us. We haven't called SH. My insurance pays for almost 100% but would not pay for SH.

A 2 hour bubble bath! That's a great idea. We have a garden tub in the bath room. My H usually sits on the sink counter while I take a bath and I do the same for him. That's usually our alone time. I think I'll add candles and wine to my next bath. That's an excellent idea. Thank you for the suggestion.

Thank you both for talking me through this bump in the road to recovery. I plan to address the next bump differently.