Again, I didn't know what to call this thread! We are doing better now that H is starting to emerge from the fog...Although I dont know how much of it is FAKE and how much of it is real at this point. But apparently SH told him to start doing something about his marriage. He has been incredible this week...Calling me, touching me, kissing me, etc...Thing is, how do I know if it is real. He tells me something or one thing, then tells you all the complete opposite. I still dont know if he TRULLY wants this or not. I gave him every opportunitly to leave last week and even told him that I DO NOT WANT TO WORK MY A$$ off for this and then in two months him say "sorry, I dont love you still, I am outa here"...he still came back home and told me he wanted to work on it and even said "he thinks it will work out"...he knew I was serious about moving on without him.

anyway, my original question was what can we, the BS expect as far as OUR own feelings go. Will I be getting more depressed as he becomes more in love with me...will I get angry, will I distance myself, will I want revenge...

Everyone says that a WS is textbook and from what I have witnessed, that seems to be true. Is a BS textbook as well? We seem to be as far as how we react to the exposure of the A, and what we do to get our spouses back, etc...

I asked this before, but how do I know when WH has become H again and he has fallen back in love with me?

Well, you will know when he falls back in love with you. How could you not know that? As he withdraws from the OW, he will become more and more interested in you as time goes by as long as you aren't lovebusting him. But it will take time and a lot of work. It took a long time to get your marriage in this mess, Mom, it won't be fixed overnight.

Just know that if you follow this program, you have a chance of having a fabulous marriage. The first year after my D-Day, my H was withdrawn and sullen and now he is all over me all the time and calls me his "soulmate!" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Just hang in there and be patient.

Hi Melody <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ! Ahhh, I cant wait til my H is all over me and calls me HIS soulmate! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Mom,

Much of MarriageBuilders is based on behavioral therapy. Realizing that your behaviors have direct consequences in a relationship, and if they need to be changed, you should do so. Learning new behaviors is not easy---and when starting it, it won't feel natural to the person learning them, or to the person on the receiving end. But within a few months, you'll find the effort is gone, and these new behaviors have become "new good habits" if you've been successful.

It sounds like your husband is embarking on this effort, on behalf of your marriage. Is it "FAKE"? Yes, if what you mean is that it's an effortless, thoughtless behavior that comes to him naturally. It's not fake if you consider that he's making a conscious effort to modify his behaviors to make a better marriage under relatively difficult circumstances. The issue boils down to a false belief in "real love"---that it's an effortless, natural process that allows you to love a person for "who they are". Romantic love is created because your romantic partner fulfills a certain set of stimuli (needs, avoids lovebusting, spends time with you). If you change, or they change---the natural suggestion is that they no longer love you. I'd suggest that what your husband is doing is trying to learn to love you.

At this point, you're both fragile. You need to encourage this with positive reinforcement. Your feelings are natural---but you don't want to let your feelings drive your behavior (and Steve will stress this to you). You are acting "textbook". Recovery is often harder for a BS, because of these bottled-up emotions and resentments. You need to let them go, because they WILL NOT HELP YOU GET TO WHERE YOU WANT TO BE.

When you no longer have to ask these questions on the forum, you'll know that the two of you have fallen in love with one another. If you both diligently work on this, you'll make amazing progress in the first three months. It typically will take up to a year (and then beyond), especially if you let your emotions get in the way of doing what's best for your marriage.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by momto3boys:
<strong> Hi Melody <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ! Ahhh, I cant wait til my H is all over me and calls me HIS soulmate! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It will come, it will come, oh Queen of Lovebusters!

How did your session with SH go this week? Sounds like his went great!

no expert but from what i understand the harley's say that you can't worry about whether or not what your H says or does is real because if YOU do what you need to do (continue to work on yourself, NOT LB, etc.) then eventually it will be real whether or not it started out that way or not. also, you know you can't hold onto statistics but just hypothetically speaking if you hold onto the creed that recovery takes an average of 2 years, look at where you are. it hasn't even been a month yet. don't take this the wrong way i wish i was in recovery but i'm just trying to help you "save" your energy to "finish" the race and you're still in a race. but it's a marathon and not a sprint. one day at a time or one session w/SH at a time and hang in there. prayers to you.

PEP,
I love it- that is sooooo true- there are ups and downs that sometimes you feel like screaming- but the inner peace is what you need to strive for- the more people tell me that- the better I understand- scary huh? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />