I've posted here for a while now and I'm so grateful for this site. Sometimes it makes me sad to read all of the painful stories of BS's and WS's and I wish that there is something that I could say or do to make it better for everyone here. Sometimes I feel so helpless for myself and for others. I don't understand how love could turn into such uglyness, hate and sadness.

I'm only hanging on by a threat right now and I can bearly make it through one day. I've called a counselor to make an appointment and hopefully I can see someone soon. I feel hopeless and I feel that my H does not love me anymore. I have such a difficult time letting go of the things that have happend during the last six months and even though he sent me flowers and a beautiful card for Easter, I still feel numb and unloved. I get mixed messages from him and it confuses the heck out of me. One minute, I get roses and cards and then he tells me that he wants to be away and rejoin the military. I don't think that he has ever been open and honest with me about his feelings, dreams and thoughts. I don't even know how to speak to him anymore. I could cry all day and if I loose any more weight then I am just going to disappear. Last weekend, I went out with some mutual friends and they were shocked and concerned about my weight loss. I tried to play it off and act normal, but two of my close friends said that there is a very dark aura hanging over me. For the first time ever I broke down in front of people and cried. I told them what was going on and they are so worried about me, my husband, us... Now I feel so bad for having had this break-down, not being strong enough.

Sometimes I just want out of this life. I do not see any hope for me. I'm 4000 miles away from my family, in another country, I can't go back home because there are no jobs. I'm afraid that I will never find anyone to love me again; I will never have children (one thing that I've always dreamed about) and that I will never be happy again. I feel overwhelmed and I can't even talk to my H on the phone anymore without sounding crying. I take everything personal and it's no wonder why he finds everything with us boring. My friends tell me to not take it so personal; that it's him and not me and that he is not my problem to solve, but it is so hard when you love someone and you feel them slipping away and there is nothing that you can say or do. I feel like such a looser that I could not keep my husband from the arms of another woman.

Kati

Feeling totally unloved like you do right now is a spiritual crisis.

I think the answer to this crisis is:

~*Turn toward God*~

Perhaps that's the reason for this crisis ?????

A call for you to strengthen your spiritual life ????

What can you learn from this crisis?
Your strength to overcome .... with God's guidance.

You humbly face your own humanity, knowing you cannot make life meaningful without God's hand on you.

After all .... isn't that what we are all doing? Searching to make our lives meaningful?

Pep

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't understand how love could turn into such uglyness, hate and sadness. [QUOTE]

Kati:

Honey, you need to take a deep breath and be happy that you are amongst frineds now. We understand what you are going through. Welcome to the club. We have all felt what you have felt.

[QUOTE]
I could cry all day and if I loose any more weight then I am just going to disappear. Last weekend, I went out with some mutual friends and they were shocked and concerned about my weight loss.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OK, forst you should not wait to see a counselor. Go to a DR. Go to an emergency clinic. Tell the Dr. what's going on and get some Anti-Ds. I take LEXIPRO. Works great. I look at them now and think, "Yummy!" It'll stop you from feeling so sad and you'll get your appetitie back. TAKE CARE OF YOUR HEALTH. In the end, that's all anyone really needs. Without it, there's nothing. Get it?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

I tried to play it off and act normal, but two of my close friends said that there is a very dark aura hanging over me. For the first time ever I broke down in front of people and cried. I told them what was going on and they are so worried about me, my husband, us... Now I feel so bad for having had this break-down, not being strong enough.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can't go back home because there are no jobs.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

That's a cop out. There are a ton of jobs out there. No one said you have to do one thing your whole life. Move to Ft. Lauderdale os somewhere in Florida. Something like 300,000 move down there a year. Businesses need to hir epeople. There are few better places to be than in sunny Florida!!!!!

[QUOTE]
I'm afraid that I will never find anyone to love me again; I will never have children (one thing that I've always dreamed about) and that I will never be happy again.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OK, now you're being silly, honey. A lot of people have felt that way. There are over 7 billion people on the planet. Ther'es lots of love out there.

I don't know about your "children" situation, but my brother was told he would never have kids. Low sperm count. He now has 2 kids. MY cousin was told she would never be able to get pregnant. She just had twins! There is hope. Dr. are some of the stupidest people I know (sorry, any Drs out there, but it's true!)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I feel like such a looser that I could not keep my husband from the arms of another woman.

Kati </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, you are wrong about that, dear. If that were the case, this place would be filled with losers. My W is not a loser because I cheated. It was my decision. Mine. I screwed up. Yes, I can blame her all day long, but I put my d-ck in another man's W. hat was wrong.

YOU ARE NOT A LOSER. Sit down and talk to your H. Find out what he really wants. Tell him what you want. See what you can do to pick up the pieces of your life and do whatever you feel will make you happy. But stop the negative thoughts. YOU AR EIN CONTROL OF YOUR HAPPINESS AND LIFE. You need to conjure up all the goodness in you and spend your time and energy in making your M work, if possible. If all else fails, you still have you, and you still have us. And those things have value. Let's go to the bank and cash in all you have to offer. I bet you have a lot to offer.

Oh my... I came on here to vent about my situation but after reading your post I'm not sure I need to anymore.
I don't have an answer for you other than it seems obvious that you need professinal guidence. Please get it as soon as possible.
I do know your pain as many of us on here do. Hang in there, believe it or not it can and will get better with or without your H.

Thanks WK and Pepper. I have never been particulary spiritual and I don't think that I've ever been close to God. I have been trying to communicate with him and I have asked him to show me the way, whatever way it may be.

I just don't want to feel like this anymore. Sometimes I'm okay for a few days, but then I crash and it is hard to get out of this hole.

WK, I will call my GP today and see if he can expedite things for me. I've never taken any meds and until now I've been determined to do it by myself, but I have to admit that I may not be able to go without help. I hope that I can find support within a counselor because I don't want to dump this onto my friends. They have busy lives to lead and the last thing I want anybody to think of me is that I'm a burden.

I just want to go back to the woman that I used to be - funny, happy, outgoing, interesting. I'll have to find that woman again.

I feel so rejected. I feel like my H is not interested in making love with me. I know that he is in withdrawal (or maybe even still in contact with OW), but I need to feel him physically. Sex is important to me and even if all else is going bad, this has been one thing to help me cope. He's been gone for one month on business and last night I told him that I've bought a few new sexy outfits and that I have a few surprises for him. He did not seem interested at all. I felt so hurt and rejected. I'm 34 years old, healthy, petite with a cute body and I love to please him and be pleased. I've always dreamed of having children, even though at this time, it is actually the furthest thing from my mind because I would only bring a child into a healthy relationship.

I know that I sounded silly and childish when I said that I'm afraid that I wouldn't find anyone to love me anymore. I know I would; there are guys actually NOW who are interested in me, but I don't want them. I want my H. I have never loved anyone like my H before. We met when I was barely 18 and he is almost 11 years older than I am. He'd been married and divorced when we met. I'm not from this country and that is what I meant by saying that I cannot go back that easily. I do have a good job here and good friends. This is what makes me look forward to the next day.

Kati

Kati:

Sounds like you know wat you need to do. I don't have any advice on how to make a marriage work after an A, because I was the WS, and still haven't told W yet. It's scary. Check out my post WANT TO KNOW ABOUT THE FOG AND WITHDRAWEL --- HERE YA GO! You'll learn a lot about what your H is going through. I don't want to be repetitive, so go check it out and I'll answer any questions you have.

What couuntry are you from? Where are you now? Germany? Someone around here might know of a great counselor near where you are. Just ask.

Don't try to get revenge on your H by hooking up with another guy; and as sad as it may seem, do be careful who you tell about your situation. If things work out, you don't want your H to be mad that you told people who might lose respect for him. Don't give H any excuses to freak out on you or start an argument. You're going to be OK.

Talk to your H. Find out where he's at. Tell him you understand about Withdrawel and that you are sympathetic to what he is going through. Tell him you know how difficult it is to lose a friend. Don't let him think you think he is scum; because he will avoid you in fear of a confrontation. No one wants to be made to feel bad. Believe me, deep down, he feels bad about what he did. No one takes any pride in cheating and hurting others.

Check back after you read my post, or follow up with me over there.

is this the same kati who so lovingly posted to me about her GYN problems? oh kati if it's you i'm going to send you some extra prayers and know that you will get your strenght back. remember it's a rollercoaster (ups and downs) but your also in a race. it's a marathon and not a sprint and you have to do what you need to do to FINISH the race. more replies will come because we care about you and your M and want to support you. prayers again to you.

Hi WK,

I live in the U.S., but I'm from Germany. I've been following your other thread and I found it painful to read, but at the same time very eye-opening. I do not know if my husband is in NC with OW. It seems to be off an on. There was NC for about two months and then she contacted him again in February and they had contact basically every day. He has a deep EA with this woman.

I'm not going to have an A on my husband; I would never do that because it wouldn't solve anything and I have eaten it all up inside of me and never told anybody about anything since last September when it all happened until last Saturday when I broke down with some friends of ours. It is hard to keep all of this inside when it hurts so much. I've done it for six months and I've lived in hell. Sometimes it just helps to hear someone's advice who knows my husband well. I would never say anything to his co-workers or bosses. That would not be acceptable.

I do try to talk to my H to find out where he is at and what he is feeling, but he does not open up to me. He just sits there and stares; says he doesn't want to talk about it anymore. He once said that he wishes none of that had ever happened and he fears that I will never get over it and that there is no chance for our marriage. I would be able to let go and heal if he were to give me a chance and really commit to me and our marriage. But instead I have trusted him, started feeling better and then boom! found out that he is still in contact with OW. How can it get better? He told all of our friends that he wants to have a baby with me this year and then he starts withdrawing from me and acting strange. It is so hard. If I at least knew what I was up against then I could protect myself. How can I help with if he doesn't let me?

Kati

Kati,

I feel for you, this is a hard time for all here, the bummer is that we have to be strong for our WS and ourselfs multitasking as they say. Right now you have to realize that you must take care of yourself first and formost. One of the things that helped me get through this is to realize that it's your emotions taking over, I was there nights without sleep and on the infedility diet. The one thing you have to know this is not about you or anything you've done even if you H tells you this, he's rationalizing the A so he doesn't feel bad about it. I know you want your H back with you and home with you, and that's your want's and desires taking over, I know it's hard getting over that it took me about a month. I don't know if you have read the books here or not but they help I would suggest you read Surviving An Affair and His Needs/Her Needs. If you need to vent or just talk people will read and reply hang with us ok you'll be alright.

One other word of advice who know's about the affair? If the OW is married you need to tell her H. Outing the affair takes the fantasy out of it, I know you think I can't do that I thought the same thing. I did it though yes it was hard but had to be done.

I have not done that, Tinman. One time, when I was angry, I told my husband that I was going to and he said that if I did then that would be 'it' between us. He said that I have no right to ruin her life. Honestly, I do not even know where she lives; I know her parents address and her cell phone number and that is it. My husband says that she is engaged and he knows her fiancee. Right now, I do not really want to contact her. I don't even really think all that much about her. Truthfully, this is not really all about her. It could be any OW and there ARE several other women that my husband confides in, but with her he has the deep loving emotional connection. This entire thing is all about US - him and me, needing to sort out what is going on in our marriage and how it can get better.

I know where my shortcomings were in our marriage and I've worked hard to overcome them and I did - all by myself. But the rest I cannot do by myself.

I think one of the biggest problems is that my husband does not think that he had an A since there was no sex involved. He admits saying "I love you" and all the other stuff is wrong, but according to him, it does not constitute an affair since he did not run off with her and hide in hotel rooms.

Kati


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by The Tinman:
<strong> One other word of advice who know's about the affair? If the OW is married you need to tell her H. Outing the affair takes the fantasy out of it, I know you think I can't do that I thought the same thing. I did it though yes it was hard but had to be done. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Oh Kati-
Have I been where you are- in fact just recently- my 17 yr old daughter gave me some real good advice- pick yourself up- dust yourself off- join the real world again- live your life for you- imagine that from someone who is just starting to live life- I lost 14 lbs in a matter of 8 days- I was forcefeeding myself- that is how bad my depression was- it was so bad- my friends were afraid for me- I am 35 in 2 weeks- I had a heart attack at 23 -so they were scared for me- the light did not seem at the end of any tunnel I was walking in-but when I decided to just be selfish and live- it started to get better-tell the OW h about what is going on- he deserves to know- as far as nobody loving you again- that is BS <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> if your h makes you feel that way- that is even more reason to be selfish for yourself- if you have to- come home- get a job- it will make you feel better- not doing anything gives you more time to think... Take care and many (((((hugs))))) to you- I will pray for you to get through this... Friends are always near no matter how far you are.

Kati you have to know your not dealing with a rational person, you can try to but it does no good. Trust me I did I might as well have been talking to a wall and all I did was push my W away more. I told her family and mine, yes my W was mad at me but I saw it this way if your so proud of this relationship and your so in love with the OM (yuck) why shouldn't everyone know. People on here told me that by me not saying anything to anyone about the affair I was just helping her hide her dirty little secret and like I said it let's the fantasy live when people know bye bye fantasy. When you do tell you have to do it nicely. When I told my W parents I told them I loved thier daughter very much and that she was having an affair but I wanted to work on our M and have her back in my life. Other people will read this and tell you the same thing.

Kati:

For starters, the general consensus here is that BS should tell the OW's family and H. Your H should be ashamed of himself. What doe she mean you have no right to ruin HER life? What about her ruining YOUR life?

Go tell her fiance. You want your H and Marriage back.

Also, please don't buy this nonesense that they are not having a PA. I am sure a lot of pople just have EA out there, but your H is young, right? He's not 90 years old? They meet, right? They don't just chat over the internet from across the world, right?

If you read my posts, you know I am dead honest. My only contribution here is to share what it's like to be a WS. I am going to tell you that I had a very intense EA with my OW, but if you think I did not spend my time talking and laughing with OW and not thinking about when we would reach the point where she would spread her legs or go down on me, you are wrong. It was on my mind. It ws on her mind too. That's what an A is.

If your H is giving OW his time and attention and sharing emotions; he's likely giving more, or thinking about it. Don't freak out on me. That's just the way it is. Ask you H is he really expects you to believe that it is just an EA, and see how he reacts.

Get him into MC. Try everything you can until there is nothing left to try.

And get yourself a gig and make some $$$. No reason why any woman in this day and age shouldhave to depend on a man for anything. You can do it.

<small>[ April 15, 2004, 04:41 PM: Message edited by: whiteknight ]</small>

WK,

I cannot go and tell her fiancee because I do not know where they live. They live in another state, approximately 2 1/2 hours away from where we live.

Most of his contact with OW is via the internet (IM's) and via the phone. I have asked him about a million times whether or not he has made love with her and he says no and gets very upset when I tell him that I'm not sure if I can believe it. But you know, strangely, I do believe it because I also have not found any evidence that he did have sex with her. Not that I'm looking or snooping, but it's just a gut feeling. Throughout all of this, we still have pretty good sex at home. That is the one thing that keeps me sane. ;-) I'm not sure how I would be able to tell if he did have a PA with her. Nothing in the emails ever pointed to anything like that. I do believe though that he has thought about it. That would only be a natural course if you really like someone. It's mainly just chat about every day stuff and then the occassional I love you etc. I do believe though that he is emotionally attached to her and she to him. Her fiancee is an amateur athlete and he is often gone, so she feels lonely and upset. She calls my H for advice on her relationship problems with fiancee. A couple weeks ago, my H said that she makes him mad sometimes because she does not listen and goes over the same thing over and over again. All this crap just confuses the heck out of me.

BTW, I do have a job - actually a pretty good one, so don't worry, I'm not financially dependent on my husband at all. ;-)

Kati

Kati, i'm going to be starting a new thread for you because you need it. it's going to be about exposure. also, you still haven't addressed the counseling issue. have you been in counseling w/MB? if you can do it asap! even if it's just you it will help sooooooo much. it would also help us if you could update your signature line to give us some background info (ages, length of m, kids, etc.). if you don't feel comfortable doing this, we understand but it would help when anybody just "pops" in on a thread to give us a small picture of what's going on. much prayers to you kiddo.

Hi RR,

I have an appointment with a counselor next Wednesday. So we'll see how that goes. Unfortunately, I cannot afford MB counseling, but right now I feel that I need to just take care of myself and my own emotions before I can do anything about the M.

BTW, how are YOU doing, RR? How are things going for you and your H. I think of you often and I'll keep you in my prayers as well.

Kati
WS 45
BS 34
M 14y
no children
D-Day 9/03

<small>[ April 16, 2004, 08:51 AM: Message edited by: Kati ]</small>

I know totally how you feel about the cost of MB, in fact i have "vented" about that several times on these forums <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> no matter how much i think it's helpful or how much i think SH is worth it, i STILL think it's overpriced. Simply for the reason that everyone should be able to counsel w/him even if it's on a limited basis (2 or 3 sessions). what makes the issues of a couple who can't afford SH less important than a couple or someone who can? it doesn't and we are getting on another topic entirely. but anyway.........i ended up having to increase my credit card limit and will probably start using one of my other credit cards again to pay for it but that is what I feel i need to do.

kudos to you for getting an appt and write down any questions you might have before hand or anything you would like to discuss and take it w/you to your appt. I do agree that you have to work on yourself before on your M, just that some people are able to do this at the same time (of course, some more than others). at the same time, reading about the pros and cons to exposure and ways to do it or strategies can still help you in preparation for whatever you have to do, whether or not you end up doing any of that or not. does that make sense?

as far as how things are going w/me, wish i knew how to do the link thing but haven't figured that out yet. but read my post about 4th session w/SH and the plan on this forum and that will probably give you an idea. i'm basically just practicing patience, working on myself, taking one day at a time, and praying A LOT. thanks for updating your signature line, i think that will help. just one more tip, make sure it's clear to who "kati" is because depending on whether or not we know if we are talking to the WS or the BS is how we reply to people <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ April 16, 2004, 09:16 AM: Message edited by: roughroad ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Kati:
<strong> I have not done that, Tinman. One time, when I was angry, I told my husband that I was going to and he said that if I did then that would be 'it' between us.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We've heard this so many times that it's just about 100% predictable. It shows he's 100% afraid that exposure will ruin things for HIM with OW.

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He said that I have no right to ruin her life.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Classic WS foglatin.

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Honestly, I do not even know where she lives; I know her parents address and her cell phone number and that is it. My husband says that she is engaged and he knows her fiancee.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Kati - exposure is ABSOLUTELY necessary.

This may be a case where the BS (you) need to call the OW on her cell phone and "inform" her that you will be informing her parents and fiancee.

A couple of points:

First, your H may be lying to her that he is NOT married. Have you seen any evidence that confirms she knows that he IS married? If he's been lying to her about this, she may drop him like a rock.

Second - do not under ANY circumstance threaten him again with exposure of the affair. Reason: he may alert the OW that a "crazy woman may contact you claiming to be my wife - she's nuts, don't believe a thing she says. She's just a secretary at work who has a crush on me."

Hi WAT,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by worthatry:
First, your H may be lying to her that he is NOT married. Have you seen any evidence that confirms she knows that he IS married? If he's been lying to her about this, she may drop him like a rock.


Oh, she knows that he is married. She's known for the last eight years. In one of their email threats that I discovered online, she even said 'oops, I almost got you caught'. When I was in the hospital, she even called my H's cell together with her fiancee to let him know that they are praying for me. <PUKE> ;-)


Second - do not under ANY circumstance threaten him again with exposure of the affair. Reason: he may alert the OW that a "crazy woman may contact you claiming to be my wife - she's nuts, don't believe a thing she says. She's just a secretary at work who has a crush on me." [/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, I only said that once, but if I were to call her, I would not tell him first. Believe me, she would know that I'm not a crazy woman. I'm actually pretty good with confrontations and I am very sure that I would be cool and collected and not come across as a maniac.

Kati