Mom...I do not think a single one of us said that you should have left the loaded gun in the car!!! Most of us here are parents and would never say such a thing.

I think taking the gun to a safe place was a GOOD idea! I would never have left a gun anywhere near my children or others.

Since you already had the gun in a safe place...we were addressing your interaction with your H.

I would suggest going back and reading this post and others and count how many times you come across demanding or controlling. I even admitted that I am a recovering "control freak". I couldn't break it by myself it took, IC, reading lots about the subject, MC and the patience of my H.

I think I pointed out last week that I believe that both you and your H have personal issues that you need to see an IC for...in order to have a complete recovery.

Both of you act inappropriately under stress...most of us do...question is do you acknowledge this and if you do...is it acceptable to you...if not what are you going to do about it????

It's tough to get a grip on controlling LBing behaviour...even after counseling and all the self education and even with very strong will power my H or I still catch me doing it on occasion...difference now is that instead of getting defensive...I apologize and restate whatever I previously stated.

And...if you H wasn't upset with how you handled it why did you post that he was? That is very misleading...we aren't there so all we ever have to go by is what's posted.

My very wise IC/MC once asked me a very good question.....do I always want to be right and miserable or do I want to change???? I chose the long hard battle of change...it is I admit a never ending battle but one I am determined to keep fighting.

Remember...I of all people (remember my H was the poster of BS be strong and don't take all the WS crap...since I rarely took his crap) wouldn't have come down on you so hard for your reactions if I didn't see a serious pattern that I am very familiar with....one that almost destroyed my M and my H's love for me!

See an occasional LBing fest is survivable but day to day controlling behavior really lowers your marriage's survival rates!

Anyway I apologize if I came across as thinking it was okay to leave a loaded gun around...I would never think that was acceptable!!

Forever...thanks for your post...apology accepted...We have an appt next week with a councellor for our DS5, I am going to talk to her about IC for ourselves. been trying to get H to take stress management courses since we got married. In the past few years at best, I have had a problem with my anger.

I should have said H wasn't made at the way I treated him, but the fact I took the gun from the car. THAT is why he was so upset. NOT about the way I treated him and I dont think I ever mentioned he was angry about the way I treated him. Fact being he was angry about the gun not being in his car and the fact that I took it. Like I said, this has been about the gun all along...not about the way I treated him...

I also left the house cuz I was on my way out to the grocery store anyway.

posted April 15, 2004 by mt3b
-------------------------------------------------

-------------------------------
Posted by mt3b
WH had a gun in lock box...WH took lock box to get lock box broken....WH had loaded gun in car...BS took loaded gun next door, cuz I didn't know how to take bullets out...neighbor kept gun in her lockbox...

C&S
mt3b did this after many posts from members of this forum urging her to do something about the gun in the car. Many posters came across as alarmed and concerned for safety of mt3b and family

posted by mt3b
WH just realized loaded gun is gone....came home irate that I took his gun next door...

C&S
NOTE H was irate when he came home about this situation. This is in first post of this thread.

mt3b
H: This is crap...you cannot run my life...you cannot tell me what to do with MY gun

C&S
Does mt3b have any rights here. What do you suggest she should have done?
Who was lovebusting who here?
The rest of the converstation seems to me to be about mt3b not giving in to demand to cough up the gun. She also calls friend to ensure H does not get gun back.

Yes she acted independantly. She was acting out of concern and safety for all in her family.

Yes, conversation could have been better and was not handled well by either party. However, mt3b was under attack from when her h came home. She is new to this. She was fearful of this situation.
Cut her some slack. It would be very difficult not to over react in this situation. Yes she needs to learn better ways of communicating and how to avoid LBs, but being basically being challenged about the authenticity of her posts and her motives is not a good way to encourage her to develop this. And I feel is somewhat of a disrespectful judgement in itself.

I thought this forum is a place for us to support each other and gently guide each other to take on and practice the philosophies of this MB appraoch to improving our marriages. I have witnessed this woman go through a lot of pain and trauma. We all have our breaking points and if pushed may lose it. I did not like the way that mt3b was treated in this thread.

I usually back away from confrontation but I feel that mt3b needs our help and guidance, not our condemnation. Maybe I am being too sensitive on her behalf.

And I do agree that she needs to learn to avoid the LBs, controlling behaviour and how to POJA issues. As we all did and still do need to learn and practice. I just found some of the posts here a bit over the top.

We are all fragile people here please remember that. And yes we do need firm words sometimes to wake us up. But when someone calls out for help we can be repectful in the way we word this.

C&S

"I thought this forum is a place for us to support each other and gently guide each other to take on and practice the philosophies of this MB appraoch to improving our marriages"

That is exactly what people are trying to do, we are all human and when she does come here for support and advice and then comes back and asks for support/advice again, and then comes back again, and "we" see all the same things being repeated, "we" also get discouraged. mt3b is all too aware that 2x4 will come her way or to anyone else for that matter. IMO the problem is not solved.

maybe a break from the forums is needed, i don't know but counseling, counseling, and more counseling for all of the family needs to saught. many people see a counselor 2-3 times a week. not saying this would be for a long time period but i think given the circumstances that both spouses need IC at least once a week, and MC at least once a week. we are all just giving OUR opionions here and "beating" up others for giving "their" opinions is in itself not supportive. prayers to all.

YES -

WH and I are each seeing IC once a week and MC once a week. Out MC and my IC are 75 min each!

We are in a crisis time in our marriage. The financial, emotional and perosonal investment is worth it!

I don't recall saying you were incorrect to act the way you did to the gun; I would have done the same thing. I merely pointed out that our percepttions of what happened are tainted by a lack of detail and the tone in the way you write. What you do with this feedback is up to you. Use it (or not) as you see fit.