It's been nearly a month since I found out about the affair. My WW was in Soul Mate mode, and has respected the NC for 2 weeks now. She has also agreed to do counseling, but none of the counselors I talked to know much about MB principles, and are more of generalists, than marriage specialists.

So now my problem is I asked my WW to read Surviving an Affair, to see what she thought, if she agreed it was as relevant to our situation as I did, then I would pursue phone counseling with Dr Harley. She flat out refused to read it. Said reading books like that made her unhappy. She added that she was going to counseling so I could get help getting over this, because to her it was in the past and she didn't live in the past. We had this conversation through email, so I have already replied that could she please read it for my sake. Unfortunately I also put in a line about how it makes me unhappy to wake up every morning and wonder if today is the day she will do it again. She hasn't replied yet, but I know she is not going to read it, and probably going to reply back with a few LB of her own.

So my question is does it make sense to go to counseling if she is not going to participate? Does it make sense to use Harley in this situation?

Please any advice will be appreciated.

Life,

Your W is going to have to work with you, something like this just can't be swept under the rug. I saw a post once where someone discribed the affair as a elephant. You put the elephant under the rug and you can still see it even if it is under the rug. Sounds like you both need to sit down and discuss (not argue) about what is the best way to recover. Brainstorm together and try to work out a plan. I know you wish your wife would read SAA maybe if you came on a different approach something like "It would mean an awful lot to me if you would read this. Then if she doesn't like the book figure something else out. Other people will post with better ideas I'm sure hang in there.

LWNBTS,

It is a really bad idea to try and education your WW. She will fight it as you can see. However, there is something you need to discuss with her and I think she will see the wisdom of your approach. It is the FUTURE. You need to discuss the future and make plans on how to get there in a way that makes her happy and you happy.

In order to do that you MUST avoid the errors of the past. So addressing the past is NOT an exercise in punishment, she needs to see it as a way to move to the future. I think she will admit that she was NOT happy in the marriage. So you and she need to know why and then make a plan to make the marriage better. I think she will agree she will NOT be happy in the future if you cannot learn to trust her, and love her as she needs. If she agrees then she has to work WITH you to address the issues of the affair (why she had it, what she proposes to change to protect you, how you can change your perspective to protect her, and how both of you are going to protect your marriage.).

In short, I think the point you need to address is the FUTURE and what it will look like, and the best way to do that is to LEARN from the past, NOT just the affair, but before that as well. If she figures out this is NOT an exercise to beat her up or make her feel worse, she might decide to do some reading.

I think it is also fair to state to her, that you don't want to go back to the marriage you had, it failed. You want a better one, and clearly she was not happy with the old marriage, and you think a new and better one will suit her as well. The only issue is how to make this happen, and that is where planning, the concept of "radical honesty" and the Policy of Joint Agreement, POJA, are useful tools to make this happen.

She doesn't have to buy the terminology or even MB but she needs to buy the idea that the seeds for a good future lie in learning from the past.

Think about that and then if you agree discuss that with her.

God Bless,

JL

PS: Also realize that she is probably still in the fog, and definitely in withdrawal. During this period little obvious progress will be made in the marriage, but YOU can plant seeds. You can show patience, and you can nurture those seeds until she comes out of withdrawal, that can take up to 6 months, but usually starts within a month or two.

Ah JL you say things so well, see I told you Life someone would be along with good advice.

JL and Tinman,

Thanks for the advice. I agree with you whole heartedly. In my email to her on why I wanted her to read the book (actually just asked her to read chapters 1&2) I focus on us finding out why this occurred only to build a stronger marriage in the future. I still don't know why it occurred. And she refuses to talk about it (only really discussed it twice).

JL you hit all my reasoning on the head. I don't want to go back to what we had, it was at best a peaceful co-existence. At times I felt like we were single parents, her on the am shift and me on the pm. I also can't just sweep this under the rug, because it will eat me up. Unfortunately I know that is what she wants me to do. Pretend it didn't happen and then go back to the way it was. That way our lives and our kids lives are not tossed upside down.

I guess I really need patience here, and after all of this patience is hard to find. It is also tough to distinguish patience with getting walked on.

When I first found out about the affair, I found MB, and looked at all the success stories. I thought, this is exactly what we need, not to get back to where we were, but to make it stronger. It was a light at the end of the tunnel. Yet it seems that light is getting dimmer day by day.

So JL, does it make any sense to start MC with a spouse that is really only going so that I can get over the affair? Or do we just delay it till the fog clears?

If she is not in the A, GO to MC. Find a good promarriage one that you BOTH like and trust. You will need the help as much as she will. You will feel walked on because if this marriage makes it you will do most of the work for quite awhile.

Do the work and you cannot lose. I will tell you why. If you decide to leave you will KNOW you did all you could do. If it works you will have a better marriage. You need to avoid LB's but definitely tell here what you are going to need to rebuild. No threats, ulitmatums whatever, just let her know what you need. And leave it alone. That is the type of seed I am talking about planting. You mentioned the book, leave it alone now.

Do your best to meet HER needs while you are in counseling.

Notice this all about you doing the work? IT is the way, but you don't have to settle for less than you want. She will have to open up to you and discuss this or eventually you will find yourself wanting to leave. You won't have to push this, it will happen naturally. Whether you leave now or later, it will happen if she does NOT come around. So do you best to make any memories she has of you good ones, and maybe she will remember why she married you before you run out of gas.

Hunker down, you may feel like a doormat, but this stuff is NOT for wimps. You have decided to do something very difficult and very painful, it is a man sized job for sure.

I would also give yourself deadlines to reevaluate the situation, and here is where a good counselor can really help; in the evaluation process. I would say pick a date 3 months out. Do your best, take notes, and then in 3 months see if there is progress. You pick the period, but give it time.

Also, it is very common at least as posted on this site for those in withdrawal to NOT to want to do anything but sweep it under the rug. Let it rid for now, you will see changes in her before you will see a willingness to examine what has happened.

Time and patience, the old T&P is required.

God Bless,

JL

JL

Thank you so much, I think I will need to read your words everyday to make it through this. Any advice on finding a good MC. My IC was all about relieving me of guilt, not about working at keeping the marriage. I went through the article on MB on finding a good one, but couldn't find anyone who followed these principles. The one I did find I'm afraid might not work out, because in talking to her she said she gives out assignments and readings that we need to do on our own. With my wife's attitude I'm afraid that is not going to work out. I asked my wife to participate in the interview, and she declined. I would go to the church to get recommendations, but my wife is very active there, and I don't want to put her through the embarassment.

As for meeting her needs, I love doing that. I just hope what I'm doing (compliments, cards, freedom), are the needs she want's.

Thanks again