Hi all. I can't believe the mess I have gotten into. After lots of praying, I decided to take the higher road, and let my WH retire. I told him I would hold up on the D, and continue to carry him on my health insurance.

I told him he was a good man and I hoped we could work together. He is getting a bonus of $25,000. and was going to pay off his Harley and give me a couple thousand for home repairs.

So last month I had dental work ($800.) and car work ($650.), so I was short $385. which he said he would give me. Then he said he could only give me $300, and that he had to scrape to get that.

He didn't know that I can monitor his banking account. Well he got $1500. on Friday. He took out $300. to wine and dine OW over the weekend, then another $100. for a tatoo on Monday.

(Sorry this is so long). So tonight I got home from work, went to Moneytree to get a payday advance, went to my bank to deposit it so my checks won't bounce, and came home an hour later to get a 3-day notice to move on my front door, all because the rent was $35.00 short.

So here is the problem, I promised him I would not file for D and instead help him. He has continued to be untrustworthy. Do I still have to honor my promise? I don't want to spend my life scrambling for money while he is out wining and dining the OW. I gave him a big break and thought that he would realize it and reciprocate.

Believer, I am so sorry for what happened. I worry about your moving. Do you have to move in 3 days?

This guy is not worthy, in my opinion. But I don't know whether my experience is enough to say so. But I will support you no matter what you decide.

I am moving more toward Plan B now. I will hang in till 4/23, then go to cruise, then to MB weekend, then it is over.

Plan B is like a D. Since he has proven untrustworthy with money, file for a legal separation to protect your credit and keep you in the income that you need. That may be a wake-up call, but I don't know. It seems to me that he may have used you as an inexpensive nanny and now he is done with that service.

As for me, I face the possibility that H is staying in the M because nanny services are so expensive and D is financially limiting when you have 4 kids. People can have motives for stalling other than I need to think about this, and your H's seems to be that he has the best possible situation for now since you are not pursuing legal action.

Believer girl you know I am no expert here, but I would say you have had enough. I have to say that if he is so inconsiderate as to leave you with no place to live then he!! no don't uphold your promise.

You have to take care of you! Who else is going to? Ask yourself! Who is taking care of believer these days? You are.....and you are the only one that will from now on. Just take care of you and the heck with him and OW, he has done enough to you.

NY

I just can't believe this. Even a crazy person would realize that the best thing to do would be to try to cooperate. I mean we are talking about $85. as opposed to the $25,000 he is due to get.

When I confronted him, he told me nothing he does is ever enough.

Believer,

It seems to me that nothing he does is good enough because he really doesn't try very hard. You need to pick yourself up and move forward. Take the money and run! Get yourself out of there, you are such a great person. You deserve so much more out of life. I know what your heart says, but you need to think with your mind when it comes to the financial stuff. Just take care of yourself.

NY

You are right. I have tried to be a good Christian and helpmate through all of this. But all he sees is someone he can run over with a tank.

When you try to do the right thing, how can it come out so bad?

Not that you would ever want to decide about D based on this, but maybe that would be the wake up call that your WH needs. Then again, he may be relieved to be free of the responsibility of making that choice, and alas, your M is officially over.

My best advice is wait. I know the moving out thing prohibits waiting, but maybe you can go talk to your leasing office and get some help. Go to Catholic Ministries or your local church if you are a member, I bet they could help you short term. Get your housing situation settled and then wait and pray on it. You know decisions made in the heat of intense emotions are rarely right. And if you sleep on it, pray on it, really take a minute to be still and silent, then you should have some clarity, maybe get your answer from God, and just know what the right path for you is, so you can make that decision without regrets. You know, the whole, don't say D unless you really, really, really are READY for D (if you can really ever get ready for that).

You said pick days for meltdowns...am I assuming this one is yours! :-)

I o

Believer, There is a difference between tolerance and forgiveness. You are tolerating bad behavior in the name of forgiveness. He needs to know there are consequences to his actions.

Thanks for the advice. I KNOW, how crazy is this. I was supposed to have my meltdown on the 22nd.

I make good money and could not qualify for charity, and wouldn't want to take money from those truly in need.

My problem is that I have 2 mobile homes to pay on. My kids are going to college and live in one. They both work, but need help for all of the expenses.

I live in the other one, which is in WH's name, but we bought it together. So if I get a D, I would get half of this one, half his retirement bonus, a couple of Harleys, half his bonus - you get the point.

I have been waiting and trying to hang in here. But WH is in his fantasy and will not help at all. In the last 13 months, he has given me $320. Meanwhile he spends $300. a week on going out with OW. I know, I'm stupid.

Believer, you are not stupid, you are not. You are kind and generous. But you should persude the legal action. Doesn't he have to give you money when you legally seperate?

believer, I do not believe you have to honor a bad promise. You made a bad promise and the situation is only made WORSE by honoring it. I would break it in a heartbeat.

Whoa, Nellie. Ok. I see clearer now. Well, then I say do what you gotta do. Your WH has broken MORE THAN A MILLION promises to you (we are NOT even counting the A, but he promised, on your wedding day, to love and protect, and I hardly think $320 in 13 months, is loving or protecting you). It may be time. You have been patient.

You know my son had a girlfriend once a couple of years ago whose parents were heroin addicts.

The stuff the parents did was unbelieveable. They left both the girl and her brother a week before Christmas. The girl was still in her last year of highschool. She went to work, school, AND took care of her little brother.

We had them for Christmas at our house. I gave them presents and money. Guess what? The parents came by at 10:00 pm, Christmas night and got the money I gave the kids.

They say an A is like being a drug addict, and I really believe it now.

$35.00??? That's insane. That reminds me of a collection letter I got once for an outstanding balance of 25 cents. Less than the cost of the stamp.

Though I don't know your story fully, I get the sense you would be pretty well justified in any course of action you chose to take. Promise or no promise. Would a written agreement regarding important issues stave off a divorce?

I would like to offer one black sheep idea... Is it possible he is just thoughtless about this? His thoughts are where he is and although you are in financial crisis mode right now, he is unable to empathize with you. If you were to reconcile, is this one more behaviour that would become a part of the past? If so, do you really want it to be the straw that broke the camel's back?

Furthermore, a lot can be said for faith. Even if it doesn't pan out in the end, somehow exercising it is good for you. It's a choice we make, realizing that we may be let down and if that happens, we have to make our peace with it. I think that's a lot different than 'stupid'.

dewt

<small>[ April 15, 2004, 09:48 PM: Message edited by: dewt ]</small>

dewt - I guess I have had it with him. I tried to do the right thing, but he is on a whole different program.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

dewt

Believer, I don't think that giving your H consequences for his actions (instead of silently suffering while he runs around like a teenager)is in any way being un-christian. Protecting yourself and your children IS the right thing to do. Being a doormat is not. File for a legal seperation or a DV, whichever you're prepared to see through - and let him sweat it for a while.

Believer,

I'm getting in late on this post, but tough spot I admit. I'm fortunate in that my WH has agreed to pay child support at the rate specified on Iowas's tables. But it still irks me when he now decides instead of us selling our camper as we'd planned so that I could pay off the home equity loan that leaves me pinched each month, he's going to live in the camper this summer. So his rent goes to $211/month (the cost of the camper payment) and it leaves him with lots of spending money (and btw, he spends about $150/wk on his OW), and I'm still stuck with the home equity loan forever.

However, that is NOT as bad as what your WH has done to you. And yet, I also wonder if he's so deep in the fog that he really, truly just doesn't 'get it'.

If you truly are ready to D, Christian or not, because he's being actively unfaithful, it's my belief you are fully justified. And you deserve to be happy.

But if you're not ready to D, you may regret it later if you let this situation be the deciding factor.

You are NOT stupid. You have strong beliefs in M and you love the man you married and want him back.

The only answers I can give are what Jennifer told me last night (because I see a few similarities between your situation and mine):

1) A's almost always end, but it may take 2 or even 3 years (I'm not even sure I'm up to that yet).

2) "Step back, be patient, and BREATHE"

I am having a really tough time today. I'll admit, the idea of D has crossed through my mind more than once. But I can't get past all those memories we had during all the years when he WAS faithful. It's too difficult for me yet to believe that the man he once was is gone forever.

I don't know...sort of feels like a gamble to me sometimes. Wait--he may come back, or we may waste the next 2 years of our lives. Move on--we may find true happiness, or WH may change AFTER we've gone too far, and we'll lose the chance to really be happy with them.

I think the answer is do a LOT of praying and just believe that this is God's plan for us at this moment. Ask for guidance on what he wants you to do. And then just make the best decisions you are able to make and trust God to work.

Easier said than done, for me...

LL

H, in order for this to work ,and me not divorce you, I need you to do X, Y, Z. If you don't I won't have the funds to make this work and I will D you anyway. Your choice.

It's always nice to give them a choice. If he defaults, you can do what you need to do.

It's no sin to make conditional agreements.

SS