What happened to your last post? Maybe I'm on the wrong board? I can't find it. The one where you said you have called OM several times today and he's not taking your calls. You really need to let him go as that is clearly what he wants.

in another post you wrote "We met again at bar, my husband there too. OM acted weird-nervous, wouldnt talk to me directly. Kept touching his wife & focused on her. He went to bar & I followed him, I said what is going on, he said he couldnt talk-she was jealous of him talking to me-he said "I will make it up to you Tues," he was going to come to my house so we could talk, he never showed up. I called his mother's, he was ?gone?-I found out later from my sister who talked to OM mother-he refused my calls because of W-so it would look like I was pursuing him"

guess what? You ARE pursuing him! You followed him to the bar!? You call his MOTHER? I hate to say it but it sounds to me like he was just having a fling and you fell in love. Now that his wife knows a little bit about the affair, he wants to back out and continue his life as it was before, but you aren't letting him do that. You are setting yourself up to look like the "crazy stalker OW".

toomanylies:

PAL's last post was at the end of WANT TO KNOW ABOUT THE FOG AND WITHDRAWEL --- HERE YA GO! I am waiting to hear the rest of her story, too. We agree with you. She is coming across like the crazy OW. She needs to stop it ASAP and get a grip. And the sonner the better.

Following is Peace and Love's message from last night:

peaceandlove
Junior Member
Member # 34181

posted April 15, 2004 09:53 PM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
all this hurt from so many people. I can feel the pain from everyone tonite. I did call OM again today-6 times! I am crazy-the intensity wont let go of me. I want to know what he is doing-what he thinking, when he had sex with his wife last. I NEED to talk to him for a fix. I tell myself not to call, I am being desperate-I know this, but it is consuming me. I told him on voicemail I would keep calling until he picks up-now I have to follow thru with my threat. He hates me I know, he has Unloved me. I think about running my fingers thru his hair and going down on him while taking a shower together, I too am sick, my addiction is taking me over & no one knows but me-pal

Dear Peace and Love.
The only hope I see of you not coming off in his mind as Glenn Close from "Fatal Attraction" would be to call him ONE MORE TIME and say something like:

Hi (OM's name) This is (your name)
I just wanted to call one more time to say I am so sorry for all my desperate phone calls yesterday...I am scared of our friendship ending.
Yet I respect and admire you for wanting to make your marriage the best it can be. I want to do that also with my H. And we can't do that if the affair or contact continues!

If you could just call or write, ONE MORE TIME, to say "Good-bye" and let me know you did care about me and you weren't just using me, it will help me so much with the closure of our love affair.

My e-mail address is: (In case he doesn't know)
Bye (OM/s name)
Something like that or maybe JUST the first sentence!

Hang in there, dear, time will heal your heart if you put forth an effort to improve your marriage.

If your H knew of your affair and what you are going through, you would be SURPRISED at the love he would show you! I am sure your H does not want to lose you, your presence in his life OR he does not want to lose your mind to another man.
Sincerely, Julie

Moving up for more helpful suggestions for 'peaceandlove'!

PAL-
We met again at bar, my husband there too. OM acted weird-nervous, wouldnt talk to me directly. Kept touching his wife & focused on her.

I'm sure that that hurt your heart... but I have to tell you - that's the way that he's supposed to act. If he wants his marriage to work, he has to focus on his wife. He has to let her know that she is the most important woman to him. That's the way that it's supposed to be...

What did your H say and/or think of that whole situation? Just wondering if the 2 of you were able to talk about it.

I posted to whiteknight's thread for you earlier.

CW

peace and love, I thought you may not have noticed this thread started for you the other day by too many lies.
Sincerely, Julie

Hang in there, dear, time is a GREAT healer of broken hearts! WS AND BS both get hurt deeply!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

OM obviously has no interest in any further contact. PAL should respect that and take it as an opportunity to put her focus where it should be.

Newsflash... OM was using her. Like she was using him. Like all waywards and their OPs are using each other... to meet needs. We can couch it in lovey dovey terms as much as we like but cheating is an inherently selfish act. One where we put our own desires ahead of others without regard for the consequences. What final words could overcome those truths?

I don't like coming across with a 2x4, but sheesh.

dewt

I'm back. Its seems I'm here & there on this board.
My A story is under "new member-peaceandlove" Everyone has their advice, this I can understand, but please don't think of me as some psycho. I have put myself and my M back together. I have been married for 26+ yrs, since I was barely 17 & have never experienced this kind of feeling before.
I just have had some weak moments lately, & I think some of that is because all of this is in my face from reading all this. I was remembering the way OM made me feel, & I thought for a weak moment I could talk to him & everything would be OK.
Please don't beat me up, I am being as honest with this as I have ever been. You need to help me in a kind loving manner-because of the kind of person I am, I just can't to be enemies with OM, he is from my town, & still has family here. So, eventually, maybe years, I will see him again, and I just want to look at him, and not feel any anomosity.
When we were still in A, we exchanged christmas gifts. He gave me a beautiful diamond necklace, I gave him a bible, with his name on front. He told me he had never owned one, so I thought I would be the one to help him begin his journey to faith.
He knows that I am a believer, & I wanted to show him that having a faith will help him deal with things in his life. When I visited OM town, we went to a church he was thinking about attending. So I am not completely hopeless.
But who knows by now what has happened to bible, he had told me after we decided to end A, that his wife wanted him to send back to me, so who knows by now.
thanks again for listening-pal

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> he had told me after we decided to end A, that his wife wanted him to send back to me, so who knows by now.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So does OM W know about A? If so, will she tell your H? Are you going to tell him? If OM knows about you and your cousin, and he has told his W, then if and when she tells your H, your H is going to be hit pretty hard with this evidence.

What is your game plan if this happens?

OM W only knows of EA. She is one that discovered pictures of me that I had sent & pictures of us together when I visited him. OM had kept hotel key & he explained to his W that it was for his business. When she discovered all this, he told me she tore up house & made him burn pictures. She asked if he f**ked me-he denied & said he always will. He did a complete 180 with me after all this, never again has said he loved me, never has spoken with any compassion. He said he would never live thru what she put him thru that weekend. He gave his W access to his email, & I could never send anything without her screening.
So NC since 3-12-04 when he told me not to tell my H of PA. I hate him & love him at the same time. I am better than what ever I thought he was to me. I just want to move forward. I'm trying.pal

peaceandlove -

I know you are really hurting right now. I can feel the pain you are going through. But trust me, things will get better. Keep posting and reading here.

When you want to contact him, come here and vent to us. We will understand. There are a number of people going through the same thing you are. Hang in there, you won't always feel this bad.

Hi,

You will have to accept that the OM can never have contact with you again - not even to just say 'hi' at a bar, not to say goodbye to you or that he ever really cared about you in any way, not to be just friends - nothing.

He has decided to devote himself to his marriage and to his wife. He was doing the right thing by giving his wife access to his e-mail and by avoiding you at the bar. (He also should return any gifts you gave him, including the Bible AND confess to his wife that the affair was physical too... hopefully he will but is afraid of her reaction right now?)

You need to do what the OM is doing so far: ignore the person you committed adultery with and focus on your spouse instead.

PAL:

I am torn between what kind of advice to give at this point. I know you never want your H to know about your PA. I don't blame you. I don't my W to know about my A either. However, IF OM ever tells W about PH, do bout SHE ill tell your H.

That is another reason for you not to contact OM. You don't want topiss him or his W off. If you continue to contact him, his W will really suspect something, and you're done for.

So I guess the fear now is if he ever breaks his promise, tells his W, and your H finds out. How do you want your H to find out?

Has your cousin pursued you in any way? You don't mention him, so I guess there ar eno strong feelings there, huh? What will be his reaction if and when you see him again?

Hang in there. Time heals all wounds.

Incidentally, I love and hate my OP too. I'm sure she feels the same way about me. It's normal.

no sexual feelings for cousin. It is just an embarassment at this point. I dont know how I would react to him-thats a wait & see thing. I feel better today about me. finishing up my spring classes & starting summer classes on 5-17, so I do what I can to stay occupied.
do you think your W suspects anything? I am letting go of all this sh** today-DONE!

PAL -

My W may suspect something, but if so, she is deep in denial. I doubt if it will be much of a shock when I tell her about it. She'll cry, but she won't flip out. She'll be glad that I chose to end A to be with her. She'll hate OW even more than she already does, but I doubt if she'll do anything about it. OW's H already knows about A. She doens't have a job or anything, so there is nothing to take away.

But when my legal problems are over, I do have a plan that I would rather not discuss here and now. Don't worry, it's nothing illegal; all though it would be nice if someone threw boiling acid on her pretty face. Wow, I'm pissed off today. Better go take my AD.

hold on today-tomorrow is new day.
I just posted about movie on Lifetime tonite.
we are quite a pair.
I am glad to hear your words.
I just drank a beer to relax -
maybe that can be my thing -
just to mellow.
I say whatever works to get me thru the day...

PAL:

You need to find a more upbeat and happy film to watch. May I suggest HARVEY or ARSENIC AND OLD LACE or some mindless fun film like ROBIN HOOD with ERROL FLYNN. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Want to know something weird? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I never drank a beer in my life! I tasted it a couple of times while in Europe, but it's not my thing. I don't drink wine either, and certainly not alcohol. It's not a religous thing, it's just not something I do. I have never done drugs either.

However --- When OW went to court and told the judge she needed a restraining order against me, she also asked that I attend a drug and alcohol program, and the judge ordered me to go! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I only mention this because you mention you drank a beer. Watch out! A judge might acuse you of being an alcoholic and sentence you to a rehab program! LOL! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ April 20, 2004, 12:48 AM: Message edited by: whiteknight ]</small>

HAHA-my H was drinking a beer last night & I was stressed about an assignment I was having trouble with in my calc class-MISERY!So, I thought I would join him!
I cant believe you dont drink & have never done drugs! WOW-that is super for you!
I like to "smoke"- it relaxs me & is a awesome aphrodisiac! we all so different.
you sound like a great guy-I pray you & your wife get back to the great time like being newlyweds.
Life can be so cruel-why do we add to our pain with an A. I know my H has had overwhelming guilt himself for the attention he wasnt giving me-& I found with OM. I just enjoyed talking & dreaming & sharing all my interests. We started as good friends-(dont we all) I dont need friends like that anymore-have a good day today...pal