<small>[ April 16, 2004, 02:24 PM: Message edited by: Liana47 ]</small>

How odd....

You have the same name as my DD, and so I'll write this as if I were writing to her about it. (Well, she's only 15 months old, so I'll pretend she's a bit older! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )

I know how much you're hurting write now, and I know that the hurt feels like it's going to become agony if you give this man up.

And the truth is that it will hurt, and it'll hurt a lot. There's no way to get around that part.

There's more to it than that, though. I'm so sorry for your pain, but you're not the only one who will be hurt. There are four people who are going to be devastated by this -- you, your husband, your affair partner, and his wife.

You've done the right thing so far; you're thinking about whether this is right or wrong, and you've figured out that there's something really wrong here.

Here's what I would ask you to do, and please know that I know how much it will hurt -- I've been where you are now. Please, tell your husband about what's going on. Tell him about your feelings for this man, and tell him what you've learned about how much it will hurt him and your marriage. Tell him you're sorry, and mean it. Tell him you love him, and mean it. And tell him that you're going to make it right, and mean that, too.

Then write to your affair partner. It can be a short note. Something like this:

"I love my husband, and I know that you love your wife. The relationship that we had is certain to hurt us and the people we love even more if we continue it. I recommend that you purchase and read "NOT Just Friends" by Shirley Glass and Surviving An Affair" by Willard Harley. They'll help you understand our relationship and the damage it will do to us and our spouses. Because of the damage that is likely to occur, please do not contact me again. I have told my husband about our relationship and he will be helping me by monitoring my e-mail and telephone to make sure that we don't contact each other. I hope that you and your wife recover from this pain, and I apologize to you and her for my part in this."

And then walk away from him. I know how much it hurts, I really do. But I've done it the other way... and I know just how much more pain there is on that other road.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Liana47:
<strong> WAT

I really dont see this as 'a dirty secret'.. this was a friendship that became very close due to the circumstances in which we met, and I dont have bad feelings about him.. am I now supposed to hate him because he and I got close? Sorry I cant do that.</strong> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If its not a dirty little secret, then why are you reluctant to tell your H? Tell him how sweet and romantic your emotional affair was. He will understand, right?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Melody
You too thought I was planning to 'see' him next week but we have never met. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It doesn't change my answer. No contact should be done with just that, no contact. Send a letter and end it and never ever talk to him again.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thank you for your responses and support.. I wish more of you could support the way I want to handle this but obviously not. ]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Liana, we are supporting you. We are trying to encourage you to do the right thing, not the wrong thing. We would not be very supportive if we encouraged you to do the wrong thing. And the wrong thing is to continue to lie to your H. That is cruel and manipulative and if you cared about him at all, you would tell him the truth and put his best interest ahead of your fear.

You obviously have something to be defensive about. Bet it's that "secret".

No one here hates WS, quite the opposite as a matter of fact. They share and contribute much here, but they certainly never get supported in continuing to deceive their spouses.

If you don't remember a name of someone who didn't tell and went on to have a thriving marriage, certainly we'd recognize the circumstances because that kind of situation would be such a HUGE anomoly here one would never forget it.

if my little comment upset you---to bad. your being nothing but selfish and superior. YOUR CHOICE. JUST LIKE ITS MY CHOICE TO STAND UP FOR WHAT I BELIEVE IN AND DONT BACK DOWN WHEN SOMEONE THROWS A TANTRUM. yes thats what you are doing. that superior attitude is gonna get you nowhere. and by the way---how disrespectful of you to say the things you are to a woman who is in the position that soldiers wife is in. dont give her the fake im sorry's----she probably gets enough of them from the ow in her own life. im sorry, i didnt know we were gonna fall in love...im sorry i didnt mean to hurt you...well what the heck did you think was gonna happen? grow up

now onto the supperior attitude over your husband...of course you know better than him. he should only know what you want him to. poor guy.

if you have any dignity or honor left in you----do the right thing. tell the om to bug off and tell your husband the truth. you screwed up---now its time to be a grown up and take the consequences of your choices.

Liana

Dont go you do have support here and those who want to hear your story. You will also find many who are very angry but I believe you are on your way if you have made a decision to let go of the OM and you can stick with it I commend you and wish you well.

I do believe you are sincere in the things you said to Kati too. You do seem remorseful but I too hope you will send the OM an email rather than talk by phone. As far as telling or not telling I think it is an individual decision.

Please let us know how it goes. Good luck.

c_p

Nikko,

When I just read what you wrote, I started to cry because these are the EXACT words that my husband's OW has said. I read them in the emails... It is not your fault, but it just opened a floodgate for me.

You know, I know that sometimes people just fall in love, but in this case, I would have loved if she would have stopped him before it went to far. I really hope that Liana is able to do that.

As far as telling her own husband, there is something that I would like to say. If my H would have been able to find this site and posted his concerns and if he would have been able to stop his EA with OW and instead turn to me and TELL me that there are some deep deep problems in our marriage that need to be worked out ASAP, then I would have preferred not knowing about the EA.... Nothing good has come out of this for me, him as well as our M so far....

Liana will need to figure out what she was missing in her relationship to her husband that made her vulnerable for this A and I hope that by coming here and talking to people, that she will be able to sit down and think about all those things and then make a decision how her marriage is going to continue. If not, then there may not be much hope anyways.....

Kati
BS 34
WS 45
M 14y
EA off/on 8 years
D-Day 9/03


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by nikko:
and by the way---how disrespectful of you to say the things you are to a woman who is in the position that soldiers wife is in. dont give her the fake im sorry's----she probably gets enough of them from the ow in her own life. im sorry, i didnt know we were gonna fall in love...im sorry i didnt mean to hurt you...[/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Liana,
One the main principles of Marriage Builders is being honest with one's spouse, so if you come here, you will be strongly encourage to be honest. It is the way MB works.

You could make a thread asking for the names of anyone who didn't tell and went on to a happy, recovered marriage.

5 1/2 years here and no names come to my mind either.

However, if Dr. Laura Schlesinger has a forum, she supports keeping the secret...if it is over. However she also supports & encourages the betrayed spouse to instantly dump the cheater too, which has often seemed contradictory to me.

One of other main reasons for not keeping the the secret of having had an affair, or any other secrets, besides the honesty factor is that it is a barrier complete emotional intimacy.

<small>[ April 16, 2004, 03:39 PM: Message edited by: Liana47 ]</small>

i never claimed to be perfect----but i am honest. can you say that? i am not perfect but i have my dignity---do you??? you seem to want to blame this on anything but yourself....this is all on you.
as far as judging you---come on, you want us to support your decision when you know what our policies are. you want us to go against what we believe because its uncomfortable for you. this is a marriage building site---you've lurked here--what did you think you were gonna get told. go ahead---the decisions you've made so far have been stellar, continue on. if youve got all the answers---why are you here??? to support the oposite of what we believe---not gonna happen. you need a dose of reality---your an infidel--deal with it. you chose that path. you are now chosing to stay a lier and not a true partner to your marriage.

maybe i came on to strong---but hunny---what did you think we would say--its ok to lie. if that other site supports it and your IC---fine. stay with them. here we are going to try to build your character along with your marriage. and its hard---but you need to hear some honest truth---not just what you want to hear.

if you stay i will back off and let you do whatever...if you go---your choice. you do have every right to be here----you dont have the right to hurt others.