Short history here, I caught my H on 3/1/04 chatting online w/other women. I went through the history on the computer and found that he was exchanging pictures w/them, set his profile up that he wasn't married (and several other lies), etc. He lied at first but eventully came clean on that. Said he did it for an ego boost and to see if he still "had it". Needless to say our marriage wasn't perfect but this was not what I saw coming from him. He'd been cheated on in the past (not by me) and swore he'd never put me through that pain (Lies!). A couple days later I found out another secret of his, he's been downloading porn for the past three years. All this crushed me since I've been the only one dealing with our two young sons diagnosis of autism. He lived in denial and apparently porn was his escape.

Anyway, he eventually admitted what he did was wrong and we've been in MC and IC since the week after DDay.

Here's the problem, his family. Well not all of them but from what he told me last night his brother doesn't think what he did was "that bad" and at least he didn't have a physical affair b/c that is worse. Well I ask you all here, is it worse? I think EA and PA are equally painful and distructive to a marriage.

But what do you do with family/friends that think I'm overreacting and that H didn't do anything "that bad"? Is there something here on MB that addresses this issue? Or am I just being to sensitive? I get a little nervous b/c H originally didn't think what he was doing was cheating since it wasn't physical. If people keep telling him it wasn't that bad, is he going to eventually believe them?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

Jaded...
did you H actually HAVE an EA ? Was he emotionally attached to any of these women he was chatting with or exchanging pictures with ?

I'll explain more once I find out.

He wasn't in "deep" with any particular "one" woman. He had a few he chatted with over a three week period. Exchanged personal information, stories, they made him feel "good" about himself, etc. Does that answer your question? Our MC calls it an emotional affair, that's why I refer to it that way to.

Also wanted to add that he neglected me and his household duties during this time. Also made himself late to work just to chat with them. He said it was addictive. He "had" to go there.

<small>[ April 16, 2004, 10:47 AM: Message edited by: JadedOne ]</small>

Okay...

I think... MIND YOU...strictly my opinion...I'm not a professional... HOWEVER...

I don't think your husband was in an EA. EA is an emotional attachment.... sometimes even a greater betrayal than a PA.

HOWEVER...and I'm pretty tight on my rules of what marriage SHOULD be.... I think this was more about the beginning of something that you caught in TIME.

It sounds like you were going through a difficult time and may have detached personally from your H, and he withdrew from you and sought out conversation on the internet.

That internet...it can be an asset and a liability, and it's SO easy to connect with people through written word, there is no body language to read, nothing but words. In some cases, no... alot of cases...the people are sincere, and find a candid personality they didn't know they had.

I can understand why your H family thinks this wasn't "that bad"... and in the sense it could have escalated into something MUCH worse, there is a small truth in that.

The fact is....it's not about what other people perceive as acceptable behavior in YOUR marriage. You are the one to make that call. You may not be able to convince anyone, so don't try. You and your H are the ones in the M, not anyone else.

We all seek to have our feelings about something validated, but you don't NEED others validating what YOU feel. These are YOUR emotions, YOUR feelings, and you're entitled to feel whatever you want to feel.

Begin looking at where you 2 started to withdraw, and work really hard to reconnect. I think the reward will pay off well.

Furthermore...put this BEHIND you. You were in the right place, at the right time, and headed this off at the station. It could have easily been a runaway train.

Hang in there...I hope something I said helped.

Thanks it does help. But I must say that the type of conversation he was having w/these women was sexual in nature and I'm sorry, totally inappropriate. Although I'm finding more and more people that think I'm crazy and he did nothing wrong. Again my problem is that these people are siding with H and H will change his tune that what he did wasn't that bad. I asked him if a guy was saying to ME what he was saying to those women, would he be as upset as I am? He said yes. So maybe that's a good thing? I just don't know anything right now. Maybe this isn't a big deal? Maybe I am crazy? I just don't know.

Hello Jaded,

If it was addictive then it was an EA , as A's have the same effect on the brain as an addiction. I bet the porn became addictive as well. These are all forms of "escape".

I have a 13 year old son who is multiply handicapped and on the autistic spectrum. It was during the time when we began and ran a 2 year 30hr/week discrete trials program in our home that my H delved deep into his EA. He got to the point where he was ready to leave me and our children for his OW who lived almost 400 miles away. The had been involved by computer and phone for years, she was a single mother he had met in a bar on a business trip a few years before he started the EA with her. Your H's behavior is destructive to a marriage, both the chat and porn. Today people live in a world of relativity where nothing is "that bad" because there are so many other people behaving "worse". Frankly it doesn't matter what these other people think, it's YOUR marriage.

Raising an autistic child is exhausting and it's frustrating trying to get services and insure they are getting an appropriate education. When you have a children with a disability you get to deal with grief that keeps on giving as one milestone after another is missed. I commend you for getting right into marriage counseling. It was very hard for my H to come to terms with our son's disabilities even though he looked like he was coping like a champ on the outside. Hang in there. You are not being overly sensitive, you are being smart and proactive.

How old are your boys?

<small>[ April 16, 2004, 11:04 AM: Message edited by: mthrrhbard ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mthrrhbard:
<strong>
How old are your boys? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thank you for replying. It really helps me a lot to hear from parents who are also raising children with disabilites. It adds a whole new set of issues and feelings to deal with. My boys are now 3 years old (4 in June) and 27 months old. My oldest was dx w/delays at 25 months old and autism at 28 months old. My youngest was dx w/delays at 11 months old but has yet to receive the official 'label' of autism as we cannot afford the evaluation right now. Besides, the label doesn't do anything for them and we already know he's going to get it. So they were dx pretty young. I went from being a hopeful new mommy to devestated! Also during that time I was raising my stepson (who is now 12) and was dx w/ADHD/ODD but likely has Asperger's (autism spectrum as well). So he was a handful and H wasn't even raising HIM!!

I will say I'm sorry now for going "off" today. I have an autism specialist/consultant coming to my home this afternoon. It's never fun to sit and listen to someone tell you all the things your children will never do. Hearing what H's brother said last night just added to my depression today.

Jaded,

You may hear from many "experts" that your boys will never do this or that. I heard it for years regarding my own son as well. However, it wasn't until be bagan our 1:1 in-home program that my son blossomed and learned tons of things the "experts" said he never would. beware that experts oftren have hidden agendas depending on who they are employed by. Schools districts are NOTORIOUS for trying to put disabled kids in classrooms that do not provide educational benefit. You boys are legally entitled to make progress in school. If you do not know about discrete trial programs I urge you to do some research immediately. The sooner you start the more progress your boys will have. Some higher functioning autistic kids who start an in home program at 2-3 years old can do well enough to attend regular ed kindergarten when they are 5.

If you need any info I'd be more than happy to let you know what I know. I live in SoCal and had to sue our school district for appropriate education. We won hands down and our case has been used by many parents around the country to help then get home programs for their kids.It was the most stressful experience ( besides my H's A)of my life but we are reaping the benefits to our 13 year old on a daily basis! Good luck to you!

I found out in Feb. about W's EA. For a month we argued over if it was an affair or not. She allways saying it was not becasue "I didn't have sex with him", me saying it was because you decieved me. At one point I told her I could have better dealt with a one night stand then a 6 mo. EA but I think that's like saying I'd rather get run over by a bus than a train, as you pointed out they both hurt.

To your point though, if you look at the main MB site there is a heading something along the lines of what is an affair. In a nut shell Dr. Harley says that an affair is what ever the offended party defines it as. I liked that!

IMO if you wouldn't do it in front of your S don't do it behind their back.