I have been without WH for 6 months now and he has been living with OW for this time. I have had this conversation with WH that I did not intend to have. WH has told me that he just clicked with the OW and that he intends to stay with her. WH says he will not cheat on her or leave her because he now knows the hurt it has caused. WH cannot explain why he left me he says that he just feels we were friends. He says that OW and him want the same things out of life and when I asked him didnt we he said we had grown apart. I asked WH why he chose her over me does the last 20 years not count for anything , what was it about her that he felt he had to chose her but of course he couldnt answer. I feel so upset I thought I was okay and was moving on that I didnt love WH anymore but I guess I do. Even though I know it would be hard if he did come back and the thought of recovery is frightening but I guess now I know this will not be the case. WH is one of the rare cases that really does love the OW and wants her. I have to deal with the fact that WH will not come home, does not want to come home and move on and find someone else.

I know believer and melodylane will be upset but I have just had to watch my children go with him to stay at his house for two days. I mean WH has said that he will stay with OW never matter what so what is the point of keeping them away. OW is going to be in picture always I might as well get used to it and the sooner the better. I really hate this situation and want to feel better.

Are you sure WS isn't just in the fog right now? I mean don't they all "love" the OW in some way? I don't believe it's really the OP it's the illusion of them. Is he trying to convince you or himself when he says he will never leave her? Didn't our S's tell us that too at some point in our relationships? I found a letter from my WS he had written a few years ago and it said, "You will never lose me." See my point? I think a lot of them are confused and just plain feel guilty so it's easier for them to stay with the OP. Pray the fog will lift and don't give up if you truly love this man. Only you can make that decision.

Cyn

WH sounded pretty convincing to me about his feelings towards OW. The fact that he told me he felt I was just his friend did it for me. He could not give me an answer to why he had left me once again. Or that the fact I had given him 20yrs of my life putting up with his infidently and his confusion about us and that the OW could suddenely fill his needs or whatever after just 6 months. I told him that I couldnt have him back and he said why would you want me back. I answered that I couldnt and so there you are another statistic to add to the divorce rate.

Sorry to hear things are this way. I know he feels this way now and there's not much you can do about it at the moment. Sometimes feelings can't be trusted. I personally don't believe you can "fall in love" in 3 days (my situation), or 6 months or whatever. Infatuation yes, real love no. Like I said at some point we were in the same place with WS and them telling us the same thing, how they loved us and that would never change. I honestly believe all WS's will eventually wake up and see the situation for what it is and most will never admit they made a mistake. But they will see. I know I was convinced I was "in love" with someone (not WS) and no one could tell me any different. Well, once I was out of the relationship for a while I could see how foolish I was and that I was not in love at all. And yeah, I felt like a fool. To me real and true love grows over time, not months but years. And it isn't the good times that bond us together but the bad. It's easy to love someone, or think we do when everything is going smoothly, it's when we are faced with the harsh realities of every day life that is the true test. Never underestimate the test of time. Good luck in whatever you decide. No matter what happens be good to yourself. I care about you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by feelingit:
<strong>
I know believer and melodylane will be upset but I have just had to watch my children go with him to stay at his house for two days. I mean WH has said that he will stay with OW never matter what so what is the point of keeping them away. OW is going to be in picture always I might as well get used to it and the sooner the better. I really hate this situation and want to feel better. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">First off, f, no matter what he says it is still an illicit affair. And your children should not be exposed to that.

Nor can you put any stock in what a fogged out WS says. Most affairs end and most WS's say exactly what your WS said. The chances of this affair working out are slim to none and then it will be onto the next affair partner. Your children should not be exposed to an illicit, sleazy affair or a revolving door of girlfriends.

Now, he can say all day long that he plans on being with her forever, but didn't he say to you too? So why would you put any faith in his word now?

Not that it makes any difference. It always comes back to one thing and one thing only: it is an illicit affair and you have a responsibility to protect your kids from it. You are only helping the affair along by allowing the OW and your H to normalize something that is far from normal.

feelingit, don't give up please. I know it is hard fighting city hall, but you owe it to yourself and your children to take a stand on this. Just because you have thrown in the towel on this one, does not mean you can't come back next day and win this one.

Another thing I would like to point out. If you don't allow your kids around the OW it puts pressure on the affair and emphasizes the inappopriateness of it all.

Melody I hear what you are saying and I agree whole heartedly. But I feel for the children and them not seeing their dad breaks my heart. It is not him that looks bad but me in their eyes and I cannot do that. I just feel done in with the whole situation and have to my children first and if it is their wish to see their dad and unfortunately it includes her then so be it. But if we are all proved right and the realtionship does fail I have the big amunition to not let it happen again with another person. WH and I have been together 20 yrs and if he feels he needs OW instead then I have to take his word for it but again I say if it does fail then I can make a stand. If it doesnt fail then I have had time to get used to it and the children have been spared anymore upset. But i do hear what you are saying and as much as we are not happy about it my hands are tied. By law (I have seen a solicitor)in the UK the children have a right to see their father and I have no right to say OW cannot be around, that is the hard truth and I have to deal with it. As long as the children are happy then that will do for me I will have to deal with my feelings about this one. I know he said that about me once but I do believe he has made his choice and WH is one of the ones who will stay with OW. So making a stand is really not worth it. I need a life too and how long do I keep fighting for something that just isn't happening. It is only me who keeps getting hurt noone else. The children are happy, he and OW are happy, I too desrve to be happy and keep dragging things up and making a fuss is not making me happy. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Dont think I am not listening to you I am and I appreciate what you are saying.

Time to put WH on the back burner and get on with taking care of you. Things will get better and you will feel great again, trust me. I have been going through this for too long, and finally starting to feel good.

Start taking care of yourself and doing things. It really helps to realize that WS is a part of your life, but not your whole life.

Thanks believer.

I am feeling much more positive today. I managed to take care of me throughout the original PlanB so after FIL funeral on Tuesday I will be dark once again. This is just a set back and I know I will be okay. WH has managed to put a few more nails in the coffin (excuse the use of words)and after his words which are still ringing in my head, my feelings have just gone down a few notches again. Soon there will be nothing left. I have just started posting on the divorce site as I feel that is where it will be heading now. Thanks to everyone for their continued support and please dont get mad with me if I dont always follow your advice (those people know who I'm talking to) I do appreciate all your comments and they do help.

I know you feel like giving up but before you do...let me give you another perspective

I read back some of your old postings. You only found out about his affair in oct 03 and broke a few plan B along the way. Counting back your story is only 7 months old.

My WH started his A in May 03 which means i have a 1 year and one month old story. How can you give up so soon??

When was the last time you broke plan B to speak to him? Each time you break plan B you have to start all over again and it will definately set you back.

I am now in 10th week of plan B. In my 4th week i broke plan B and it definately set me back to square one. Since then i have not broken plan B and i am much stronger and in control of my emotions. After breaking that one and only time..i realise immediately that i cannot break my plan B AGAIN because i knew that there is only a thin line holding me back from divorcing him. I think this is where you are now. Protect yourself from his fog talk by doing a strict plan B.

I also think you are still not strong emotionally to divorce him yet. You need to detach yourself emotionally from him and that takes sometime. Plan B is in a way to prepare you for divorce.

Please reconsider plan B...it is for you...what is the difference if you do plan B first...it is sort of divorcing him by not seeing or speaking to him and this is in a way to prepare you for the real thing.

Read Lostbirds posting to chestnut...he is a FWS and he explains clearly how Plan B works and his wife plan B him for almost a year before he came home. From there you can understand what you must do to keep sane. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I know what you feel like when he said those words that he is willing to live forever with OW and she is his soulmate etc etc. Don't let your pride win. I know it is hurtful to know you are second choice but that is how affairs works. In all affairs, OW is always first choice and BS is second.

Don't divorce him yet. Sit on it and do a great strict plan B. What else do you have to lose? Its not like you have another Mr right waiting for you tomorrow. But if there is then by all means please divorce WH tomorrow!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Enjoy your freedom and stop thinking about him.

Good luck and take care

F, please hang in there. I haven't been in plan B yet, but I already know it is a long and narrow path. But we have GOD, let's lean on him and get our strength. Lots of love.

Zizzy

I broke plan b after about seven weeks because of my FIL being ill and then dying. I have been part of WH family for 20yrs and as far as they are all concerned will continue to be so. The funeral is on Tuesday and after that I will go back to Plan B. I understand now that I was not as strong as I thought and my feelings fo WH is still as strong but were buried for a while. For my sake and the childrens this is what will happen. I know God has not intentially put me in this place and I shall trust in him to know my next chapter. Like you say Plan B is like a D anyway.