</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by whiteknight:
<strong> Hope:

Well, the reason I mentioned all those things about her is obviously because someone's life and background makes them the way they are. She is not s sex maniac, she is not a party girl, she is content with her two best friends and has no interest in anyone else.

Flowers and candy seem like a small price to pay for happiness and I would be happy to do it, but let's balance the scales shall we? I have done a lot more for her than anyone who could ONLY give flowers and candy, and thos ethings haven't mattered.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ok, now you really have me thinking. With my last H of 20 years, I was a cold, disinterested dead fish. He used to call me "frigid." He was lucky to get sex once a month and then my attitude was "get on, get it over with and get off." I never felt turned on by him.

Fast forward to current H. I have a VORACIOUS sexual appetite with him and our SF is fun, different, naughty and exciting. We have christened every new car that we have purchased out in the country. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> We have a VERY active and thrilling sex life. He definitely woke something up in me!

The difference? I had no respect for my last H. He was wimpy and completely turned me off. It's hard to get worked up over a doormat. On the other hand, I respect this new H as a man. He meets my EN's of admiration and affection and that serves to stimulate me in a sexual way.

And what is my point? I think most women can be turned on if you meet their needs and act like a man. So I would suggest really examining how you approach her. Something is just not ringing her bell and with some work, you might be able to figure out why you can't turn her on and make changes.

A good start would be the emotional needs questionaire.

P.S. I should add that H #1 was a gorgeous man with a muscular body, DH #2, while tall, is overweight, balding, with a huge pot belly. But I think he is cuter than hell! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

WhiteKnight--

I think you and your wife should really check out this book:

The Sex Starved Marriage

It may just save your marriage! ~Marie

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by whiteknight:
<strong> OK, you all have inspired me. I can't believe it, but I am going to zoom out of here and be in 5 O'clock traffic and spend some $$$. Two things I hate to do. I'm off to buy some flowers and dessert and some expensive pasta and clean the house and light some candles and put on Air Supply (LOL!)

I'll be back later. Just so you know, if I waste all this $$$ and don't have sex this month, it's all your fault. I could have spent it on a prostitute! Just kidding!
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

And remember to FLIRT with her!! I love it when my DH calls me during the day and flirts with me. Or sends me naughty pages. I love it!

melody said...

We have christened every new car that we have purchased out in the country.

Does VEHIX-dot.com...KNOW about this??????????
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

ARK

oh crap, she will NEVER let me live that one down!! DUH! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

<small>[ April 16, 2004, 03:52 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

You guys are too funny!

I agree completely with Melody. For me, my passions were awakend by a life stage. I was READY to find out what my body was capable of. I bragged to all my friends and most of my relatives when I had my first orgasm! I finally felt like there was really nothing WRONG with me. Then, unfortunatly, I blamed the lack of having had one on my husband and our relationship. More of that "I'm with the wrong person" cr@p.

Hubby and I had gotten in a rut and had formed some ineffective relationship skills, just like MOST people do. It had nothing to do with incompatibility. Things are just fine now and we still have the same personality types as before!

Geez, everyone here is so smart. Why didn't you all come beating down my door before I had the affair with the Psycho ***** from hell? (actually, Miami, but close enough!)

Forget about Curves! There should be a MB franchise where people can get together for a 1/2 hour every day and work on their marriages!

LOL - yea I can picture it now. Melody sharing her 'christening' stories while I talk about how I managed to have my first big O..... I'm pretty sure we can share a little more openly right here!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by hope4future:
<strong> LOL - yea I can picture it now. Melody sharing her 'christening' stories while I talk about how I managed to have my first big O..... I'm pretty sure we can share a little more openly right here!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Aren't we just a pack of ho's?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

WhiteKnight...You have got to expose the A to your W. I am really nervous about you giving her the flowers, dessert and making a romantic evening and then BAM she finds out about the A. What will this tell her? You are just trying to kiss up to her? All the sudden you give her flowers out of no where!

Your wife is just like me. Could be same person here. Only I am not an only child and I was not an army brat. I am very quiet and shy..I have about 4 good friends here, but lots of people I talk to...

The other posters are right. It is not about what YOU want to please her with, it is what SHE NEEDS to be pleased. I always told my H that I didn't want flowers...so he never got them for me...But after awhile I missed them. I wanted them again...but he still never got them. You need to touch her, call her for goodness sake. Just to say I love you hohney. My heart skips a beat each time I see it is my H on the line. I love it when he calls me now. Before the A, I could care less though. I would cringe if he touched me before the A...now I crave him touching me. We are much more loving now towards each other than ever before.

You have got to tell your wife about your A before it is too late...trust me on this one...she needs to know. What are you afraid of? Get over it! And have fun tonight!

mtwb:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> What are you afraid of? Get over it! And have fun tonight!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I guess that's a PEP talk?

I guess my biggest contribution to MB is getting everyone to write some soft-core porn, huh?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by whiteknight:
<strong> mtwb:


I guess my biggest contribution to MB is getting everyone to write some soft-core porn, huh? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good grief, you turned us into a pack of ho-bags! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

hey whitey---as far as us helping you before you went down the bit*& from he// path...look at our sig lines....most of us that are bothering to help you were here.....yo werent. back then you were the smart one with all the answers. you had it all figured out....in most post you seem like you still do.

i am not buying it. you are scared sh&tless right now and you ought to be. you have got to find a way to get this out and truelly fall in love(both of you) again. and i bet if we were to talk to your wife we would get a very different story. trust us as women...we see all the signs in your wife we've seen in ourselves. as wonderful as you are----she's settled for you. i bet she dreams and fantasizes of another life. she is extremely vulnerable herself right now. if she hasnt had an affair allready....it is probably her integrity alone keeping her from it.

im going to try this again. im even gonna use my own story---never posted this here in all the years...feel honored. way back when i swore off relationships...never again. divorce was to be final in a week. i had a 2 yr old and i wouldnt put him through a string of guys. wasnt gonna do it. and for the record...i am very ok being alone.(i was also ok with acting like a guy then...have sex on the weekends son was away---then get out. no strings. it was wonderful.) i was fine. then in comes hubby dearest----told him the night we met i had a 2 yr old and was in the middle of divorce. tried everything in my power to send him running. guess what---the idiot tracked me down. i never gave him the number but he found me anyway. didnt give up----so i figured i add him to the stable. what the heck. told him right off---never come around unless i say to and never call when son is awake. we could only see each other maybe everyother weekend...thats it. dont fall in love with me cause the first time i see that gushy look---IM OUTTA HERE!! (yes i really said all this) he was 22 and i was 26. [censored] fell in love and so did i. he actually persued me like mad. flowers and dom perignone every date. phone calls. time alone and away. on the nights he was lucky enough to stay we would stay up all night talking. i finally gave in and let myself fall. we were unstoppable. we had a home and all the stuff and cars and he was only 24. i finally married him after he was 25. it all started changing soon after. i know the jokes you all have about women after the marriage....well let me tell you its your own fault your not gettin any. no phone calls, worked until at least 11pm, never came home for emergency's or ball games. no flowers no champagne. nothing. he worked his a$$ off for all the toys in life. i got pregnant, i found out on my 30th birthday. i was so excited..i thought maybe this will bring him closer. nope. only caused him to pull away further. was never hear, didnt help with anything. never had time for us. basically we were allways way down on the list. AND HE WANTED SEX. big surprise...i could have cared less. kinda like---oh now your nice to me for a few minutes and wham, bam, thank you mam back to being sh*& on the list agsin. this went on for a long time. throw in a whole bunch of miscarriages, him asking if one of them was even his, tons of hurt and guess what....right before d-day i was planning on leaving. had it all in place. couldnt have cared if he fell off a cliff. in fact it would have been great! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> i hatd him. guess what----he never knew. all he knew was he wasnt getting any--poor him. this sounding familiar. then guess what----dday. i fell apart. absolutely killed me. i had a nervous breakdown. i believe in the beginning he only stayed because of that. (probably the only thing that also saved him) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
to be continued....

OMG! And all this is happening in my turf? LOL

nikko! Where is the rest??

i was absolutely broken. i didnt even know how to breathe. the pain came from somewhere so primitive in my soul. i actually felt my heart breaking. (i cant go any further with this thought--sorry <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> )i went to the bookstore and stubled upon dr harleys book surviving an affair. found this site and since have been working my [censored] of for anything out of my husband. hes not with the program. i will be leaving him soon, and its a shame. if he only listened and took advice when it was offered or sought out help. but he didnt. so i healed alone. and with him not doing anything guess what....i am right where i was just before d-day. ready to leave for all the same reasons and a plan to do so. only this time i am taking way more baggage with me. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> its sad really.

anyway---what i was trying to point out was the husband i fell in love with was a lure. it wasnt the real him. why he did it i'll never know. he knew all i had been through and then some. but he put on the lets win her over act and then didnt follow through.....sounds like maybe your wife and i have something else in common other than being betrayed by our partners. she has shut down....we need to figure out why. we need you to get honest and a plan together to tell her...i got the blurted out version with a vengance to hurt me in the worst possible way(his words). maybe we can figure out something different. but you have to let go og the sarcasm and the jokes and get serious...you have some very busy wise people trying here with you....take advantage of it. dont blow this. you can change it.

nikko:

"ready to leave for all the same reasons and a plan to do so. only this time i am taking way more baggage with me."

I don't agree. Your his2ry is baggage only if you let it define you. I don't believe you do.

best,
-ol' 2long

Whiteknight

I don't know what is it with you. You came to MB, and you are willing to restore your M, even so, you refuse to listen. Well we all somehow do that at the begining out of pride, denial or whatever, but really, if you don't listen and are willing to try different things, your situation is not going to improve.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> So I am in LOVE with W after breakup and now. Before that, it wasn't love. But as for her ... I don't know. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well it seems to me there are a lot of things you don't know. The candies and flowers thing is a big opener. See? You don't know if she is that kind of gal, so you decided to go your way and making her love you because the things you THOUGTH made her happy. But have you ever asked?

The workaholic issue, I think you have to work on that. My H is also that, but do you really believe I'm going to stop there everytime? I mean is cool for a day but constantly it would be nagging.
Besides, that is over the point, she is not going to do it, because she is not "in love" with you, like nikko said, she settled.

Whiteknight, we can't promise, if you do the cleaning, and get her flowers and candles, she will jump into your bones, for certain, it will improve your M, and I guess all women need that "cheap" kind of love if you want to call it that way.

What we are telling you, is go ahead and find out what "floats her boat", because frankly you don't have a clue.

2long--my old friend. how are you. ive kinda followed your threads. i was waiting for you to show up on my other thread....come on over.
thank you for the encouragement...your right. its not really baggage.....scars and anputations is more appropriate.
thanks

Hey nikko

You have learned a lot too! Cut yourself some slack will you? Granted it was not the best way for us to learn and maybe we didn't wanted to learn in the first place, but all happens for a reason, and well... you still don't see the whole picture. Not that I see it myself, but when I'm 80 I think I will be able to see it. Until then, and for now I refuse to call this and that scars and anputations.

whiteknight...ok, bring out that 2x4! I've had it used on me a few times too, and it hurts! Now listen to me...You HAVE GOT TO TELL YOUR WIFE! reason being...She needs to know and she needs a BIG wake up call...She doesn't think you would cheat on her, she is "sleeping at the wheel" as my H told OW.

Now, that is NOT to say you W is at fault for you affair...but it will wake her up. That is what it took for me. dont you see this whiteknight. She cant fix anything if she doesn't think anything is wrong. Right now, she is not going to give you what you need because you have gone so long without, so why not longer. If she knows you have already gone elsewhere, then MAYBE just MAYBE she will wake up a little. See that what YOU need and then you can see what SHE needs.

I am not saying that she going to be happy that you had the A and accept you back with open arms. That is not going to happen. Maybe you are afraid of telling her becuase things are OK right now, and yes things will get worse after the exposure...but things will get even better after that. You have one advantage and one disadvantage on your part. You have ended your A. most WS are still in their affairs when it is exposed in which case the BS has time to research and work a good Plan A. Your W wont have that opportunity.

I am not saying that the A was her fault in any way, shape or form and you must let her know that. BUT, she cannot fix anything that she doesn't think is broken. You can talk to her til you are blue in the face. She isnt' going to listen. She needs a 2x4 if you will.

WHY WONT YOU LISTEN TO US! You need to tell her. Swallow your pride WK...respect your wife...this is not about you...this about HER. All we here from you is what YOU want...sex, sex, sex...well, yes, most H do want that...but you aint gonna get it if you aren't doing anything for her. We as woman get aroused by affection, not SEX. all you have to do is say something nice to us or look at us with those gorgeous eyes or do something nice for us and we will be aroused. We NEED affection. REad about Affection on the homepage here. that is our #1 need. No, i am not saying to buy her flowers everyday. call her, meet her for lunch, tell her how nice she looks, hold her hand (we love that) touch her while you are sitting next to her...you get the picture.

You ahve gotten the same advice over and over again...now use it!