Need a little advice I guess. I am so tired of the see-saw emotions that I have. I'm 10 months into recovery and just when I think I've got a grip, I'm right back to feeling as if I'm hanging on by a thread. Thank God I've got the house to myself for a few minutes so that I can let out everything that has been building all week. I try so hard to keep the happy face on but it's hard work.

The hurt that comes over me at times is overwhelming and feels like it's ripping my heart out all over again. I don't know what to do to make it stop.

lisa, is that because you see OM at work?? i think that is the situation you are in. I don't know what i can say to help you feel better except i hear you and i'm sorry you are struggling today.

do you ever talk to your H about it?

Lisa, hi there - you do sound down.

I noticed your post on anti-d's. Have you switched? They really are a god send you know. I don't know the other one you mentioned but as you know I'm on Paxil and still finding it great. I only take half a tablet a day so not too many side effects.

I agree with FL you really can't get better until you don't see OM every day.

I don't know if you've been following my post on H telling the wife but I tell you it helped us both INCREDIBLY.

How are things with you and your H?

Jenny

FL...thanks so much for replying. H and I never discuss anything related to the A..We are very much like we were pre-A. I knowing that having to see OM everyday is killing me. You see, I am way past the fog but I gave this man a part of me that I can't seem to get back <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I know that it's wrong and I hate myself more than I can say for still having feelings for him. I have no desire to ever get back into an A with him. I just don't know how to make these feelings go away. I sometimes think that maybe this is my penance...to have given myself to someone who totally used me. I'm not saying that the A would have been right if he had shared the same feelings that I did, I'm only saying that I think it would have helped the recovery process tremendously.

I don't know if that makes any sense to you. I sometimes can't even figure out my own self <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Kiwi...I am so glad that things are going well for you and H.

I'm just psycho this week I suppose. I'm just very depressed and feel like I would just like to go away for awhile by myself!! H has been fine and this has nothing to do with him. It's just me trying to deal with all of my feelings. I have always been the emotional type and this A is the absolute worst thing that I could have ever done to just make matters worst.

I wish that so badly that I could just find another job and not have to see him every day. It breaks my heart Jenny. I try so hard to put on the "I don't give a sh*t* attitude at work like he does so naturally. It's just really hard right now. I shouldn't have come off the Paxil and I definetely need to start taking something again. It seems as if the world is just passing me by and I'm watching it with absolutely no motivation to do anything other than what I absolutely have to do.

lisa, in my humble opinion, you and your H have to start talking more. every consider Retrouvaille?? look into it, i bet it would do you guys a ton of good. it is very focused on learning to share feelings.

let me know what you think. i am going to park now, be back later.

p.s. i too am struggling with thoughts about OM the last few days. i really HATE admitting that <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> i've even been tempted to call him. i can't for the life of me figure out why that is!!!! very frustrating, but the urges are there and i know i should stop trying to just ignore them. problem is, i don't know what to do about them.

You really do need to get back on the anti d's. They'll make such a difference.

I always felt you were very like me. We're both "good" girls and need to know that we were special to our OM's because it goes against our values code to even think of having an A.

I know you want the OM to give some indication that you were special. Just some indication somewhere that it wasn't a total waste of part of your life. But, from the sound of your OM and my OM, that ain't going to happen.

You are special you know - your goodness and caring come through every post.

It does get better - but you will have to get away from seeing him.

Jenny and FL....Thanks so much for caring enough to respond. This is my only method of really pouring my heart out and I know that some people might very well have the attitude of "you brought this on yourself" and they would be right, but that doesn't make the hurt go away.

Thanks again for replying.

I've just posted to you on a new thread LOL and then I saw you were back.

Stop beating yourself up girl <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I'm a master at it. Get well, get better - you will do it.

My IC said to me "you haven't taken a loaded gun and killed 20 people, you've had an affair."

Jenny

excellent point made by your IC. Jenny, there are so many things going own, my daughter's senior prom next weekend and she be graduating next month. I've got to pull it together and get myself focused on these happy and exciting functions. I just feel really removed this week and just generally depressed. I know that having to see OM every day is 90% of it. I'm much better when I'm away from the office.

I was reading your thread about your H talking to OM's wife. That did take B***S!!!!

Lisa we'll stay on this one shall we - I was getting giddy LOL

My D graduated from university in the middle of my A and I was like a zombie - I loved the day but was in a total mess. One of the proudest days of H and my life and I was barely there in my mind. Yuck.

The prom will be lovely - you are depressed you know - that's why things look so bleak.

Yes H has got b**ls - admiration is an EN and my admiration for him went sky high. D's language really made us laugh. She works in a department with a lot of young guys her age and has started talking like a sailor. I wouldn't have DARED use even minor swearing in front of my mother.

Jenny

KiwiJ...I know what you mean about the language issue. Times have certainly changed in that way <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I'm about to get off but I wanted to say thanks again for the encouragement!! I was a real mess earlier when I first posted this thread. Sometimes it just means the world to know that there is someone out there (clear across the world mind you) that cares...

God Bless!