Well today I got my wellbutrin so I can keep my plan A together. No more meltdowns, lb's etc. Has anyone noticed that the printing on the pills looks a bit like a smiley face? Anyhow, I think it's real ironic that my emotionally stunted, depressed, Internet EA WH isn't the one taking these. I get to because of HIS depression. I know that I am doing the best I can to take care of myself, but it ******'s me off that because of his inability to be happy, I am doing something I'd never thought I would need to do. And I can't tell him because I think it would be viewed as a LB. At least it would the way I would like to tell him. Aaargh!
Those of you BS's on meds., how did you handle this? Did you keep it secret or tell them?
And how long till this stuff works? I feel really crappy and unhopeful tonight.
On a good note, tomorrow will be 4 weeks without a drink for him.
Plan A'ing till he gets a job, then maybe, maybe not.

ms-dian,

I am not on any medication but when I needed to talk to the depressed WS, I did so without facing him. While in bed, I turned to face the wall, poured out my heart and cried.

In time the wall answered. Gently and softly. I even said if the Ws thinks this funny, I needed to talk to the wall because I found it too hurtful to talk to the WS.

L.

Aw Orchid,
I'm glad you had the wall so to speak and got some comfort there. He knows how I feel and no amount of talking, reasoning and crying will do anything. We just go in circles. I just need to keep the resolve to not "make him feel unsafe" (his words) when around me. Even though he may never come to feel safe, I gotta be able to say I tried.
Putting on my happy face now, he's due home soon....

ms_dian,

U have the same wall. Maybe a different hue or color but you can do the same.

What I left out was during that time I had to talk to the wall because talking to the H was too hurtful. He would get angry just because I asked how he was. I couldn't even look at him without some sarcastic comment about my having a bad attitude. Until I talked to the wall (within earshot of the WS), he would yell at me. Mind you, my H is a fairly gentle guy but the A virus really cranked up his vocal chords and gave him some bad speach habits.

Try it. I highly recommend the wall remedy.

L.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> And how long till this stuff works? I feel really crappy and unhopeful tonight.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, I am on LEXIPRO and I know people on PAXEL, and i think it takes about two weeks to kick in. That freaked me out. But it started working for me after a few days. Also, as time passes, you'll feel better anyway. If you need to get rolling a little quicker, head over to the health food store and buy KAVA KAVA or ST. JOHN'S WORT. That will affect the chemicals in you rbody too, and you'll feel better.

Good luck!

Yeah Orchid, I can't ask him even how he is right now. He's so closed off. Last weekend he yelled at me to "stay out of his stuff, his life". Then a couple days later, he sends an email explaining how messed up etc he is. I answered, very carefully, on Tuesday. Nothing back yet. Just keeping my head down.

I did try St Johns, but needed to kick it up a notch and to doc said to not take both.

What I really want to do is put them in his food <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Dian, how much longer are you going to endure this? What are you doing to make this stop? Nothing will change unless you do something. He tells you to shut up and you shut up.

He has been getting away with his little internet infidelities and secret life for years. Why?

Here was our last discussion from last month and it looks not a thing has changed:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=027350;p=1#000000

Yes, he has been doing this for years. And yes I have allowed it. Right now we are in a holding pattern until he gets a job, I do know he is trying and he has a interview Tues. What I'm trying to do now is really do a plan A like recommended. There has been some movement on his part, he has complied with 2 of my 4 requests. The drinking and housework. The contact with her and email passwords etc, not yet and probably never. After he gets a job, that's when I will request that he either decide to work on us or move out. Yes, I must look like a wimp to you, but I figure what is a little more time in the big scheme of things. And I mean a little, I will not let this drag on this way forever. I am not the most patient person. I know I will be fine without him, I just wish he could be happy. It's really so sad.

Put St. John's Wort in his food? LOL! That would be interesting!

My attitude about AD has completely changed since I have been here. They work. It's that simple. Sometimes all the therapy in the world won't do as much as balancing the chemicals in the body. If you can get him to take some, it might help him think clearer. He is lost in emotions right now.

You need to do whatever ultimately makes you happy. You only get one life and it's not a dress rehearsal. I am sorry your H is the way he is. Maybe is is upset about it too. People don't like to admit their mistakes.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ms_dian:
<strong> Yes, he has been doing this for years. And yes I have allowed it. Right now we are in a holding pattern until he gets a job, I do know he is trying and he has a interview Tues. What I'm trying to do now is really do a plan A like recommended. There has been some movement on his part, he has complied with 2 of my 4 requests. The drinking and housework. The contact with her and email passwords etc, not yet and probably never. After he gets a job, that's when I will request that he either decide to work on us or move out. Yes, I must look like a wimp to you, but I figure what is a little more time in the big scheme of things. And I mean a little, I will not let this drag on this way forever. I am not the most patient person. I know I will be fine without him, I just wish he could be happy. It's really so sad. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dian, I think a 7 year Plan A was probably sufficient so I wouldn't worry too much about that at this point. Plan A can actually be destructive if conducted longer than a certain period of time, as we have seen in your case.

He has already seen your best side and still refuses to end his internet affairs. And why would he? He has no reason to end them. He doesn't want a marriage, he wants a sugar mommy to support him while he sits at home all day and surfs for chicks on the internet. You have contributed to his demise for years by enabling this.

I would suggest sitting down and telling him the party is over now. You will no longer support his internet life and it is time for him to look for new digs unless he quits it NOW.

He has made no changes here at all except he has called for a job interview and cut back on his drinking. That is just enough to get you off his back temporarily while he continues to chase chicks on the internet.

Dian, I am seriously concerned that you allow this to happen. You have not helped him by supporting his descent into this sick existance. Stop this now. Quit messing around.

Thanks for your replies everybody.
I know that everything has a time. Just to clear things up, I did not do a plan A for 7 years, my head was in the sand. Kicking him out at this stage of the game will not help. Yes it is quite tempting sometimes. Yes, I do suspect that he's appeasing me to buy himself some time. But, that's fine with me for now. It gives me time to really show my stuff. And in the end, if my stuff is not enough, it'll be too bad for him. I am trying to look at this whole thing as not him trying to hurt me, he is basically mentally ill in emotional things. With that mindset, I am trying to take the high road and show compassion. It is hard but if we have any hope of making a good marriage, I need to be patient and not jump the gun. I will know when it's time and it's not quite yet. I'll try not to whine too much on here till then. But we gotta vent somewhere eh?

ms d

This is what stuck out in your inital post.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">On a good note, tomorrow will be 4 weeks without a drink for him. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If drinking is one of his problems then you need to be going to Al Anon. You will hear from people who know how to handle the problem drinkers because if he has stopped on his own it won't be long before he will drink again. Even with help you can't be sure that he'll stay sober.
H

OMG Just read more of your posts
Your a saint
If this was the best vent that you could muster up you are a double saint
H

Thanks Hiker. No, I'm not a saint, but thanks. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I've done Al-Anon and have the books. I also took some Codependancy classes. I have been really good these last few years about not focusing on his stuff and just trying to live my life. Basically we were both content to just coast along.
I do wish that he would do AA or get meds for depression. But I can't make him do that. If he starts up again, it's his problem to solve. But now he knows my boundary about that.
I have had a lot of time to think about things and to put them in perspective. Basically he is a good man who has never learned to handle emotions. So he stuffed them. Then he self medicated. Then he found willing ears on the internet. He is trying to learn how to deal with emotions. He won't share much with me because for whatever reason he doesn't feel safe. He can't even tell me why. So the more I push, the more he stuffs. So here we are. Knowing how he feels, how can I claim to love him and still try to keep him in a marraige that he doesn't feel safe in. I could very easily wait out this EA and let things go back to where they were (until the next one). I wish I could help him, but he won't let me. Probably best to lovingly release him.