This last few days have been very good. Today I have been depressed all day. Last Saturday night WH was very open, told me I that OW wasn't half the woman I was and he wanted us to work out. Promised he would show me cell phone bill, admitted to calling her - last time supposedly the end of March.

I stayed all week in Plan A - then today I asked him if he was going to show me bill - tried to do it calmly. He said "eventually". I didn't respond. As he was going to gym, he said you don't look so happy. I responded that nothing changed - he was still hiding things. He said you know what's on it why the hurry to see it!

I then Lbed - said if he couldn't be honest why not admit that he just wants to continue being the "cheater" and get a DV! He left in a huff.

I then called his cell - 3 times - of course he didn't pk-up. Left a message trying to repair - but ended up LBing on message that OW maybe right he was going to torture me till I filed for DV because he was such a coward. She said that to my mother a yr ago! What am I going to do - I feel like he wants to pretend nothing happened - the "Elephant under the Rug".

How do I get him to see what he is doing to us? This is not the way for us to be together. He's the one that said he saw his future w/ me & D!

Sit back and breathe..... calm down. You are trying to shove recovery down his throat.

Ok.... you calm yet? Now where is he?

L.

Calm yes!

No - I definitly have not tried to shove recovery done the WH's throat.

I called cell # again - this time just said I love you so very much & want to trust in "us" again. Told him he had promised to work on trust & this was a big issue. I asked if he wanted me to go back east at the end of May for 3 months - how was this helping to release my anxiety.

He got home about 20 minutes ago - didn't check messages. Basicly told him gist of messages - he would listen tomorrow. He said "I told you I will show eventually!" I didn't say anything - just went to get laundry. Then I asked if he wanted dinner - said yes.

I think I am beginning to think I am just better off starting out on my own w/ daughter. I am so depressed. I have to go the doctors on May 11th - follow-up to the STD he has now given me (HPV) I think anti-depressants are in order. I haven't eaten in 2 days - I have anxiety whenever he is out. I do not trust her (OW) & I half believe him when he says he realizes he didn't love her at all - then why the secrets?

When does the tears end?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> follow-up to the STD he has now given me (HPV)</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe I'm not as smart as I thought. What on earth is HPV?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I think anti-depressants are in order. I haven't eaten in 2 days - I have anxiety whenever he is out. I do not trust her (OW) & I half believe him when he says he realizes he didn't love her at all - then why the secrets?

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Take care of your health. That is top priority. You should not trust her, and if he has not done anything to gain your trust, then you have no reason to trust him. You should ask him what his game plan is. He is keeping secrets because he does not want to hurt you. I kept a ton of secrets from W during my A because I wanted the A to continue, I did not want to hurt W, and I did not want any more drama in my life. In the end, however, the more I dragged out the A, the worse life got.

What does your H really want to do?

U R heaping it on him whether you realize it or not. Kinda smothering actually.

Notice his reactions. He isn't listening enough to be motivated to do the right thing so all your energy is wasted at this time.

Conserve, strategize carefully. For now you need to pull further back.

L.

HPV- Human Papillomavirus (HPV)

In the United States, HPV is considered to be the most common sexually transmitted disease (STD). Some studies estimate that the majority of the sexually active population is exposed to at least one or more types of HPV - although most do not develop symptoms. Because HPV is so common and prevalent, a person does not need have to have a lot of sexual partners to come into contact with this virus.

<small>[ April 17, 2004, 01:16 AM: Message edited by: apache03 ]</small>

UGH...HPV. WH needs to get a grip. This feedback is not helping you, but that makes me SOOOO mad. Not only did he betray you, is NOT in recovery, but he made you sick with his antics.

AAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHH! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Plus, if I remember your story, OW was your best friend! AAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHH!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Hang in there. Are you on anti-depressants? Sometimes it makes you numb enough to weather these storms.

MY Wh has always avoided conflict - if he was mad at me he would say some nasty things & go to bed for the night (even if it was 6pm)! Then he would wake up happy & say sorry - typical conflict avoider. I would try & talk about it & he'd say everything was fine - I being stupid - accepted that. So who's the fool.

He keeps saying he wants us to work & we'll be fine. He said on numerous occassions this past year that there was a reason he didn't leave - it was because he still loved me & wanted me. He was just under so much financial stress. He keeps saying things like I never ever saw us divorced. Then he sights everything that we have in common,etc.

He says he'll show the cell phone bill "eventually"! But I know her - even if she has a new boyfriend - I want to see if she is calling him. I am ready to write to her & tell her stay away. I never did anything to her for her to still be playing w/ his head - but she thought so little of him to use a bloody condom - knowing full well he was sleeping w/ his Fool of a wife. How can either one look at themselves in the mirror.

I have been do depressed this past week because all this BS started last yr at this time and I am still contending w/ it. I never let him see the depression - but last night I snapped.

He is a man of contradictions! Am I being impatient regarding the stupid bill? This is how it all started in the first place.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by betrayed by 2:
MY Wh has always avoided conflict - if he was mad at me he would say some nasty things & go to bed for the night (even if it was 6pm)! Then he would wake up happy & say sorry - typical conflict avoider. I would try & talk about it & he'd say everything was fine - I being stupid - accepted that. So who's the fool.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is what my WH used to do to me. he was always the one to apologize, when i wanted toapologize, he would not accept until HE was ready.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He keeps saying he wants us to work & we'll be fine. He said on numerous occassions this past year that there was a reason he didn't leave - it was because he still loved me & wanted me. He was just under so much financial stress. He keeps saying things like I never ever saw us divorced. Then he sights everything that we have in common,etc.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You need to just trust him on this at the moment. You are trying to do what I did, rush things. This takes months even years. It will not happen overnight. Right now, you have to be the strong one. You have to sit back and relax...STOP with the LB's. I know it is sooo hard sometimes. Believe be...I have done my share...but we are only human. Are you sure he is not still seeing OW? ARe you sure he was at the gym last night?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He says he'll show the cell phone bill "eventually"!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This one bothers me...why cant he show you the bill NOW...if he hasn't called her, then he has nothing to hide...you know you can register online and view the minutes, right? That is what I have done...and to this day I still check up on my H phone bill...he has to prove his trust to you again, and holding the phone bill is not going to get it back![/quote]

I believe he went to the gym - always goes, the past 5 weeks we have been going together (Mon, Wed, Fri) but D & I are both sick w/ some sort of flu/cold.

He says I know what's on the bill - I was going to log on to his plan & view it but I decided against it. I want him to be the one to show it to me. My WH has a tendency to lash out when threatened. I guess that's how he felt when I brooched the subject. Maybe it's the last stand.

How do I trust he wants us when he is still calling her? I did not demand he stop - I told him he was not giving us a real chance at recovery. I asked nicely that he end it soon. I told him I wanted the H back that I loved, would accept w/ arms wide opened (even joked about the creed song) but I would not accept the Cheater. I told him the H I know is the most ethical, moral man I know w/ so much intregity. I went on to say that the Cheater was cruel,unkind & that I was so lonely this past yr & I had no problem w/ continuing to be that way. I went on to say that was not what I wanted, that I loved him so very much & did not want a divorce but 3 in a marriage doesn't work.

So do I go the DV route? That is basicly what I proposed if he wanted to continue being the Cheater - and would he just think I am bluffing if I don't do anything about his ongoing behavior? How do I trust him now? He hasn't earned any trust. I told him yesterday that calling her showed me no respect - I think he believes it's all right to call her because she doesn't want him & has a boyfriend. How do I get thru to him?

I feel so bad today - I think at times I should give up! We can't even go to Plan B because of our financial situation & we do not have a friend/family to fall back on - He slept w/ my only friend in this horrible lonely state. (used to love it here in San Diego - but he of course made it difficult to survive here - too many triggers)

Have you read Surviving an Affair? If not, you need to read it! You also need to start on a Plan A! Do the best Plan A you can!!! Has your WH written a NC letter? If not, he needs to...no ifs, ands or buts...If he wants to work on the marriage then he needs to STOP contact with her...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> How do I trust he wants us when he is still calling her? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">you cant..simply put...if he is still calling her, he is still in the A! You cant trust him if has not made a NC letter! He must do that first. NC means NC!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I did not demand he stop - I told him he was not giving us a real chance at recovery. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">recovery cant begin until your WH stops calling her or seeing her. He is still in the A right now. he is not thinking about you, he is only thinking about himself and OW. He must stop calling her in order to work on the marriage. Right now he is fence sitting. He needs to give her up before he can give the marriage a fair chance.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I asked nicely that he end it soon. I told him I wanted the H back that I loved, would accept w/ arms wide opened (even joked about the creed song) but I would not accept the Cheater. I told him the H I know is the most ethical, moral man I know w/ so much intregity. I went on to say that the Cheater was cruel,unkind & that I was so lonely this past yr & I had no problem w/ continuing to be that way. I went on to say that was not what I wanted, that I loved him so very much & did not want a divorce but 3 in a marriage doesn't work.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dont try to educate him...He will not listen and he may even move further away. This is hard on a BS, I KNOW...Believe me, I have had many 2x4's come my way and I still have them coming <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

You are right, this is not your H, this is the WH, he is the alien...he is still way deep in fogland and he is telling you what you want to hear. I know it hurts...But you have got to stop with the LB's..You need to go into Plan A immediately and do it the best way you can. Stop asking for the phone bill. there is nothing wrong with going online to see the bill, but remember IF he is still talking to her, each time you see the number, it will HURT.

You just need to go buy that book, read it...You can read it in one day, it is very easy to read. Then go into PLAN A NOW...

If your husband really wants to work on the marriage then he must write a NC letter...Period. Explain to him that you cannot begin reconciliation until he has ended C with OW.

I hope this helps. I know where you are, I was just there and I still am there. H is finally coming out of the Fog now. He is much better than he was last week...Hang in there.

<small>[ April 17, 2004, 11:15 AM: Message edited by: momto3boys ]</small>

I have been doing a Plan A since this began. We have has setbacks w/ Lbing. But it is human nature to LB when you find letters from the *hore telling him to leave. I was trying real hard everytime he tried to bait me into an arguement, I would count to 100 then begin again till I was calm. But I am human. I am so lonely trying to save something that I believe in & just be his doormat.

Maybe I am pitying myself today - but my family is beginning to think I have cracked & am fighting for a complete liar who has disappointed everyone - maybe they are right - my MIL even thinks I have put up w/ too much. She thanked me for being so patient - she thinks he'll come around eventually - but doesn't blame me for filing for a DV.

This website is the only support I have in fighting for my M. I have to defend my WH to everyone. This makes it harder - all the negative feedback I'm getting & I've told all of naysayers as such to no avail.

Hang in there, you will get through this. I no longer talk about WH with my friends or family anymore. Until someone has been through this, they just don't understand. That is why it is best to come here and be with others who are going through the same thing.

Thank you!

When this all began I was like a deer caught in someone's headlights. My H was always telling me loved me, we always had a great sex life & at the time were house hunting & planning another child. Then he told me all the fog talk lines & destroyed some much. This website actually helped & the thread about fog talk was like dawn breaking on rocks.

But yr later & I am still fighting to rid her from my life. It is so depressing. I know I have to be strong if I want "our" future to be together. BUt why does the BS have to be the Doormat? The sad thing is I am doing pretty much the same things I have been doing for yrs. - making his lunches (putting love notes in w/ it, doing his laundry, cleaning the house - now I am doing his duties - all to show him that I have always & will always love him?!

If he can make comments like she is only half the woman you are - then why call her??? He said he hasn't called since March - but he does nothing to help me trust him.

Thank you everyone - my venting & crying here is the only saving grace. Could this site be considered an "Addiction"?

Yep, this is an addiction. It is, for many, the only place to vent and get support. And the whole thing is very unfair, but necessary if you want to stay married.

However it does help to keep busy and do things for yourself. That way you get some self-esteem back, and have something to feel good about.

My MIL told me on Thursday that the changes that I have gone through this past year is amazing. I have lost 50lbs thanks to the "infidelity diet" & my WH started training me in the gym 3 nights a week. Sometimes I see him from the corner of my eye watching me. That does feel good. And my self esteem has risen when I noticed other men watch too.

I am looking hard for a job - but difficult here - over qualified for many of the positions I have applied to. But I only want to work 24-30 hrs/wk. My daughter is still young (3). Maybe if I can work - my mind will not be rested solely on saving my M.

My sister will be here on Monday for 8 days - Disneyland here I come!!!!!

The six days have been the worst. WH is a complete #sswhole. He is miserable, combative & after Plan Aing for a year. I tried the 180 approach. But I am the stupid idiot that has enabled the jerk to call OW.

Is this withdrawal or just him really trying to get me to file for DV or could it be he's a coward & my sister is flying into for 8 days?? Does he think she's going to beat him up??? He only has about 75lbs on her!!!!!!!

Remember this is the same WH that let the other woman ply me w/ alcohol then told me she slept w/ my H - but it was a mistake(DDay#1) Then 3 months later again the OW calls & tells me she is still sleeping w/ the FOOL (DDay #2)!!!! Telling me to leave him that he was no good!!!!

When is enough - enough??? Can you do a Plan B & still live in the same house?????